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she will not lift a finger to help in anyway in the house . she refuses to use the washer or dryer i do her laundry, run her bathwater, clean her sheets on bed, make her toast, get her drinks during the day , pick up after her all day long, take her shopping when she wants to go , of course give her her medications, pay her bills for her, and many more things. she is doing MUCH better with the new shots for the schizophrenia , and her other ailments are not that far along yet that she needs me to be doing these things for her. I think shes just enjoying being waited on hand and foot. I mention things to my husband , like her smoking in the bathroom upstairs, nothing said, she has Totally ruined my new 32,000 car yeah the one i was waiting to buy because i have no more children at home and can afford it now ! it smells like a nasty bar now. she smokes in the garage, out front on the porch. if i say anything hes like ok ok i will tell her she has to go , is that what you want ? or i get i know but what do you want me to do about it ? we are selling the house and move to a very nice apartment complex in two weeks. we went there yesterday and yep low and behold she is already telling him oh i want to put a table and chairs out on the patio and hanging baskets with flowers, and i want my bathroom with the purple flowers and you had to see the two of them going on and on . i was looking forward to moving and decorating MY apartment but i basically have no say , shes taking over everything and he is letting her. he says it makes her happy. My mother always told me blood is thicker than water. Oh and dont let me forget to add that i am her primary care giver and i do all this while i have a chronic illness of my own . i make sure she gets and has everythings she needs , and in the process i sometimes forget to take my meds and then hubby gets upset when i get sick. His brother wont help because he cant deal with it , and his sister cant help she did two yrs ago but she has younger teens and they all have issues of thier own so mom cant live with them and she was deemed incompetent to live on her own. She has a trailor house in a nice park in florida but cant live there alone anymore. anyway thanks for letting me vent. i know there are no real answers to this problem but it just feels better to vent.

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I understand you are venting, but here are my ideas on this.

Your husband is putting his mother ahead of you as his wife which is not right. It also sounds like you are getting used as the caretaker without any concern for your own health issues. It's time for a heart to heart discussion with your husband about his mom and you two as a couple. Tell him that he can't have you taking care of her and then get mad at you for not taking your meds. That is not fair. I also think it is time for some boundaries with your MIL by saying know to doing everything for her. That will not be easy, but you need to take care of yourself.

I don't know what kind of nursing home would take her given her mental health issues, but she is obviously too much for one person. Is there such a thing as a psychiatric nursing home?
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she wont go to a assited living home or nursing home. first she is stubborn and own her home in florida in the park where she lived, shes not willing to sell that . the excuse is we can keep it incase anyone wants to go to disney land/world wichever one it is. shes paying 565 a month for an empty house. uughh. then she wont quailfy for nursing home because she can do the basics for herself. bathe, feed, an so on . Just cant do them here ! but why would she want to when shes got a full time maid cook driver, and so on. we are going soon for guardianship and we will see what happens after that. I have NO intentions of getting my hopes up for things to change. but we will see. Thank you for answering my post.
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That $565 would pay for a housekeeper, taxi fare to shop AND a laundry service!
I would communicate something important like this in a letter form. This way you can make all your points clearly without being interrupted and losing your train of thought. It helps me anyway. He will have time to digest and understand your point of view before discussing it together.. Start positive (ie; I love you and helping take care of your Mom is something I do out of that love.BUT....This is my life too, and we need to make some compromises) Make all your points as clearly and precisely as you can. Then set a time for THE NEXT DAY to sit and talk about solutions. Just a suggestion, hope it helps. Sometimes just the writing itself takes a big load off.
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Get your own apartment and let your husband move in with mom.
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I learned a long time ago that the bond between a mother and a son is stronger than the love between a wife and her husband. A wife should never ask a husband to chose between her or his mother she if she is smart and truly loves him. Not only that, but a wife has to understand that as the mother of the husband ages she might have to assist him with her care and if she doesn't try to develope a friendship with her mother- in-law then resentment and alienation will set in and possibly even break up your marriage.
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You very much need to go see a counselor/therapist to work on ths issue. Ask for a referral from your GP. Go see someone alone. With the help of that person, decide if you want to go see someone together with your husband, or if it's time to cut your losses and move out. There's a lot of space between setting bounderies with your mother in law/his mother and telling her to "git".
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I think you need to sit down and write out the pro and cons of this situation for your husband. But ask him if the shoe was in reverse what would happen then, although you would still be the caregiver. This is a person that he has known and loved all of his life understandable however it is putting a tremendous strain on your marriage and you need to point that out to him. What about talking to an assisted living manager on how to deal with the situation. They may be able to put you in contact with a counselor or something. But most of all you need to sit your husband down and really get his full attention and advise him on what it is doing to you in the meantime.
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Your husband seems to have no clue what to do. Talk to your physician about it and have him recommend a family counselor. If he won't go with you, go yourself. These co-dependent relationships suck the life out of you. Maybe all 3 of you can go together and learn how to make the relationship work. Of course, everyone needs to apply what they learn and cooperate, but a counselor and help you develop healthy coping skills if some parties are not doing their part.
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It is my understanding that in healthy relationships there is no need to pick or choose between people. There is enough love for everyone, most important in my opinion is the love of the self, this is first and foremost before we can love, help or do for anyone else.
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I'd get my own apartment in the same complex and let him and his Mother live together in another apartment in the same complex . Win , Win. You can invite him over if you'd like to see him. Its time for you to think about what's BEST for You, not him or her they have each other. I've said this a million times , I would never take care of a spouse's parents. ( NEVER) . But I will say my Husband has been wonderful with both my parents. My Daddy passed last summer and spent his final 3 months in our home and my Mummy has ALZ and 3 months into it , I put her in a Group Home ( she has very bad Sun Downing). I could not deal with her. My Daddy was a doctor himself and so is my Husband. My hubby goes to see my Mummy more than me. Thank G-d their is money for care. We were paying 10 grand a month for in-home care for my Daddy and found out that most of the caregivers had no training at all. They were being paid 10 dollars a hour and the company was taking the rest. Most were recovering addicts. Hospice was WONDERFUL to my Daddy and all of us. My Mother did not get along with many of the nurses that came into my parents home but on the unit she liked them . They were wonderfully kind to let my Daddy stay longer , we only have 5 day turn around units here where I live. Sadly you pass away in those 5 days or go back to where you were before and they come to You. Good Luck . Its hard to pick but , your husband is your life partner not his Mothers. You should matter more. JMHO. Its one thing Mothers and sons and Daughters and their Daddy's but when it is husband and wife that's should be FIRST! If not I would be getting out of this one for sure. But that's me. You don't need to sit down , you need to stand up for yourself and your own well being!!!!!! As woman we put our families first for many years and then when they are Grown and GONE and moved Out , then its our parents turn to need us. Baby Boomers will spend more time ( its now said) taking care of their parents than they did their own children. Good Luck and I hope you start to think about your own Life and what's important to YOU and only YOU! Also tell your Mother in-law if she keeps smoking she will no longer be allowed in your car. She has money let her take a cab or a bus. Nasty habit , I'm shocked someone her age still does it.
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Why don't YOU go live in the nice trailer in Florida and let HIM take care of his mother. After all, they wouldn't want that nice trailer to fall into disrepair. ;)
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If you can afford to live in the same apt. building then do it.I could not handle your problem. I'd leave. God Bless
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Dear Kiernan30,

Your husband is being passive because it's easier for him to ignore the problem. Unfortunately, ignoring your feelings will kill your marriage. As others have pointed out, it's time for a non-threatening sit-down with your husband. Get your thoughts organized about what you want to change (no smoking in apt or car, mom has to contribute by selling her trailer and helping to pay household expenses, doing certain chores, etc.) It is perfectly reasonable for her to help out financially and with chores. Everyone in the household needs to respect each other. You are not a servant and your life is important too.

You can make sure MIL has a designated area to smoke in the complex. If she wants to live with you, she needs to abide by the rules of the house.

It doesn't have to be confrontational, your husband needs to understand that this needs to be fair to all. He needs to do his part to manage his mother and respect you. But you will really need to stick to your guns.

Now, if he doesn't get it, then it's time for counseling. You and he both will need to decide how you want the marriage to go. It will either get stronger or it will continue to sour until one of you decides to end it.
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I recommend that you and your husband read the book, Boundaries in Marriage by Townsend and Cloud. It has a very good chapter about relating with elderly parents. I'd also recommend looking in the yellow pages for a marriage and family counselor.
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My thought too as Ms. Dag.. said, I'd go to Florida too, see ya wouldn't want ta be ya
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You sound as if you feel you are without power. Counseling can be very helpful in such a situation. You can learn how to leverage your strengths and resolve this painful conflict. And please hang in there if you don't like the first therapist you try. Find the right one for you and enjoy the freedom of having an ally to help lift this heavy burden.
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You need to learn to set boundaries. The problem is with you not with them. When you learn to set your boundaries and stick to them you will stop being abused by your mother in law and your husband. Yes I said abused. you are in an abusive relationship and the only one who can help you get out is yourself. This is your life. You are the only one who decides how you will live it. Get help from a Life Coach or a Counselor.
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I agree that a spouse should be first in each other's lives. However I believe that a spouse should also agree that if possible that they should assist each other in the care of one another's parents where possible. Look at the story of Ruth in the Bible where she stayed with her mother-in-law when her husband died. Ruth refused to leave Naomi when she insisted that she return to her family because she had no one to take care of her. All of Naomi's son's had died. Ruth insisted on staying to take care of Naomi in her old age. Ruth was her daughter-in-law. Naomi wasn't Ruth's responsibility, yet she chose to stay with her and look after her. We forget that life isn't all about us and what we want at times. It's a harsh thing to grasp at times. Sometimes' it isn't fair. I think to myself one day I'm going to be there.
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I agree with a couple comments that you should move into your own apartment (if it's economically feasible). I don't agree with the one person who said that your husband and his mother are the priority relationship. God said the husband shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife. You are his priority. granted it's kind and selfless when you offer to take care of his mother, but sounds like you are being used. Caretaking no longer has any value because now it's a chore and burdensome duty, an obligation, not something you are obviously not enjoying anymore. Stop doing things immediately for your MIL (the things that she can do for herself). If she starts to light up in your car, wherever you are turn the car around and go home (if it's before you leave, don't even let her in the car and tell her you're not going anyway until she stops smoking). Second hand smoke is toxic to everyone around who doesn't smoke. It's a huge health hazard. You might want to print out some information and show it to your hubby. I know it sounds harsh, but it will only help her in her last days on earth. My sister used to do everything for my mom because my felt she earned being waited on. I would never do anything because I didn't want my mom to become so lazy yet so dependent that if she were in a place where her only choice was to do something for herself, then she would be a wreck. she already suffered from depression/anxiety but I didn't want her to give up on life if she were forced to do one thing that my sister always took care of. And sure enough, my mom did give up and made no efforts to recover when she was seriously ill from a botched operation. I mentioned to my sister that that was what i feared. It's hard to see your loved ones give up and go through hell during that process. We always want to be strong even in the end. That $500/mo. would help purchase groceries/gas/etc. or even the sale of the trailer would bring in cash that could be set aside in a bank account for expenses while earning some type of interest. Your husband is unfortunately not seeing that right now there is no balance. Yes it's noble to take care of your MIL, but God never intended us to be lopsided. He knows we are uncapable of handling all the pressures at once. So, if you can just lay down the law to him, whatever it is you need, then act on it. Telling him won't work, you have to do it to show him you meant business. I hope you find relief soon.
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I absolutely agree with the writing a letter to your husband and setting a specific time to discuss, seeing a therapist to help empower and set healthy boundaries for yourself and for heaven's sake JUST STOP DOING EVERY THING FOR HER! Start by cutting the things she can be doing for herself in half at first to wean yourself away. Then do ONLY what you can do that would not rob you of your energy, dignity or leave you feeling resentful. You DO have a voice use it and used it to write the above letter so use it to express your feelings to your man. I also think it is past time for him to tell her she can no longer smoke inside your home or car. Her smoking should also be monitored because of her specific MH condition for overall safety reasons.

All the best to you! ((Hugs))
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Kiernan30 - You have gotten all very good suggestions from those above me, and I am wondering, why are you allowing yourself to be used like this? Perhaps you need counseling, perhaps you need a vacation, but most of all you have to figure out what you need and want the most for yourself BEFORE you can decide what to do. I would never allow anyone to destroy my health with smoking (secondhand smoking is worse than actually smoking), and I would not tolerate a husband who would allow his mother to dominate me without addressing her behaviors. But, that is me. You have to decide, no one else can motivate you, but you. I really understand about the schizophrenia and I was not aware there were injections for it now (my husband's ex-spouse has that disease). So you know her diagnosis will not change. The only two people who can change in this picture are you and your husband, and the only one you have power over to change is you. No one can make another change. Good luck!
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How old is this woman? There are users and abusers out there shes sounds like one. Stop her now or she has to go. It's his mother make him make the call. if she can not be a lone have your husband hire some one to hepl you out
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Leave. Is there a relative or friend you can visit for 5-7 days? Go for a visit. Alone. Stock up the refrigerator, give your husband some notice and get out of town.

Sometimes people can't (or won't) understand a situation without living it themselves. Some call these people narcissists, I think they're just plain self-centered. If something isn't rocking their world, it's not a problem. So, let the situation rock your husband's and mother-in-law's world for a week or so. Then, have a discussion about it.
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kiernan30,
I had a very similar situation..didn't involve caretaking, however; everything else fits.
You really need to sit down and talk to your husband! If he will not listen, write it down and give it to him, watch him read it!! This is the type of situation that can break up marriages! REALLY!!
We talked to a counselor about it and it was suppose to change, never did... Talking to a counselor did not change the fact that it was hard for the hubby to approach his mom / dad.
Somehow you need too open his eyes and ears so that he will listen sincerely to you with the focus of the conversation being about "change".
It is so easy to get stuck in a rutt and gripe and complain and then our hubby's ( most of them) just block it out and hear "whaa whha whaa whha whaa..whaa..whaa). Try and start off a new day with a note book and take notes of what happenes through out the day, list events by time.. That way you can just go to him and show him the facts! With the facts, you can now ask for a SOLUTION!!
Hold him accountable, this is his parent.. He really needs to step up.. Good Luck!!
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I don't have that problem. My wife immediately tells me what's on her mind loudly, clearly, and repeats it until the problem is solved.
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You pretty much explained my mother in a nutshell, I do wait on her hand and foot as does my husband even more so. However, there are times he will put his foot down gently and tell her things that annoy us and then she's better for like three to five days and then it starts up again when my lousy sister calls her. I want to help her by getting her things, I enjoy it a lot, but I want to do it when I want to, not when it is demanded. Once the demands fly in, I fly out and sign out. I think she is getting this now if she wants this new relationship to work otherwise her and my lousy sister can get their own place.
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I know what I suggest is going to sound harsh, but it sounds like you need to stand up for yourself. Why do you run her bath? Leave it undone or she can do it. Why do you do her laundry? Leave it undone. You are consenting to be her maid, cook and driver. Stop. Just stop doing the things she can do for herself. If she wants her sheets changed, let them stay dirty until she decides to change them herself. Tough love! Don't expect support from your husband, she has lots of practice manipulating him. If you need support, go to a counselor. She's a narcissist so she will use you until there is nothing left and move on to the next victim. Stop being a victim. When she see's that she can't push you around and treat you like her servant, she will probably decide assisted living or some other arrangement is not so bad. Things will change when YOU change. Good luck Sweetie, I hope you find a solution that works for you.
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Now that she's doing better, there's no excuse for this behavior. And yes, I'd start kicking some butt about this too!
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My husband complains about things to me about my mother and it is very hard for me to tell her without her getting her feelings hurt. He doesn't complain much but he would like to sit on his own couch sometimes without my mom sitting there 24/7, he would like her not to put dirty knifes and spoons on the counter, he would like her to shut the closest door, he would like her to put her medications away, etc., etc. It is a hard situation because some of the things I don't think are worth mentioning he does. I don't want my mother to come between my husband and I but it is very hard for me to talk to my mom about these things. I do sympathize with your husband Kiernan30 because it's not easy to be in the middle but if you are that unhappy with the situation your husband is really going to have to help you. If it comes down to it I will have to get my mom to change because my husband comes first.
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Why don't you take a nice long vacation in your MIL's trailer house in Florida? Only way I see to give your husband a reality check and your MIL an appreciation for what you have done. Time for those two to tackle it alone for awhile and you get a great much needed relaxing vacation!
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