My mother refuses to do anything. How can I get her to be more active and involved with things?

Thank you and part of the issue is that she'll do it for others but not for us, those that live with her. The comments are all helpful, especially the generational ones and she is accomplished at taking care, in her own small ways, others. Thank you all so much, I am truly appreciative. She'll be 80 in Feb 2010 and it won't be changing. Yet I've talked her into going to a play for the holidays, so now we'll just need to be sure she gets well rested, mentally prepared and be sure she knows we don't expect her to get up there and play the pig...just enjoy the performance. Just kidding, she's trying a bit harder, so that is good1

My mother used to be so active with our church, taking care of family, women's groups, shopping etc. Now at 80 she is done. She and my dad are mentally fine, health wise could be better but also could be a lot worse. But it's frustrating to me that she won't let me take her shopping anymore. What used to be fun to her is not fun anymore. I miss my 'old' mom these days, but she and dad seem to be fine. She isn't depressed, she's just tired of 'running around' like she used to. I guess I'd want to slow down and smell the roses so to speak too when I get old. My opinion, if she's NOT depressed, give her her space and some peace and quiet. You do your thing, let her do hers.

Years ago, we all knew, as children, our friends' grandmothers or grandfathers who lived in the child's home. The parents had more traditional schecules -- the father employed, the mother at home, the kids after school, etc. "Grandma" would sit in her own room and knit, read, watch t.v., and sometimes come out to talk. She might cook meals and do housework. She was "grandma," "old," and her husband had died -- the family took her in to care for her and give her a stable life.

Now, women of my generation who came of age when women's rights were finally addressed with any sense, from banking to employment to being able to run a business by herself, have had so many opportunities that our mothers and grandmothers did not have that we have busier lives, more involved relationships (we have coworkers to contend with, for example), and we might look at our mothers today as they age and enter their 70's and 80's and think -- "Oh my, she doesn't do ANYTHING."

Well, back when I was a kid, that's what happened. Grandma was not doing anything. She lived in your house with that nicely decorated room in the back and maybe she met you in the kitchen when you came home from school.

So flash forward and today people still in their working years look at activity and look at society much differently. We have become a frenetically paced world, and women my age (I'm 49) have all the bells and whistles attached to them 24/7, the phone, the email, the fax, the internet, the super safe car or the loaded SUV, the kids in every possible after school activity known to mankind, we have "careers" and not just jobs, we have high community involvement....we're BUSY.

Our mothers were not, compared to us.

Sometimes when I see that women who see their own mothers sitting back and kicking back and hunkering down in their aging years are frustrated with their mothers, I offer a gentle reminder -- your world is more different, more challenging, more hectic that a woman's world ever was before your generation. If you were late 60's/early 70's in junior high school, you have a life now that reflects Gloria Steinem or Bella Abzug or their opposites fighting over what women's roles were going to be. Your mothers had housework, often never attended college, and stayed home and did not have careers. Thus their concept of activity is much, much differen than yours.

Another point I make is that very elderly women did not grow up with minivans and SUVs, tons of structured professionally designed activities for their kids, their own banking or pension for retirement (hubby might have handled all of it), and they certainly didn't have internet, Blackberries, etc. They know WE have these things and use them - they spent DECADES as adults not having them and not even thinking such things would ever be necessary.

I've taken my mother out to doctor appointments enough to notice that she thinks young women dress like "tramps," that certain minorities must not be around her, and that men should always drive the car. Her biases and prejudices remain unchanged from her early 20's in the 1950's. How she was raised, and what she was taught, truly shaped her views on life. And her view is to sit and wait for everyone to rush her to the doctor for her lastest health catastrophe. That's her social life and she will never change. Sometimes her opinions are so crass -- truly, I've watched her refuse to let a doctor from India come near her -- that I have been tempted to berate her, but the bottom line is that at age 79, this is who she is, this is who she's always been, and I accept that my mother thinks it's terrible and scandalous that men are nurses and women are bank managers.

So our parents are our parents, and they might be completely different people than we are. That happens.

The mother in the first post who does not want to "do anything" might very well believe that she IS doing something, and why doesn't anyone notice that? Housework, for many of my mother's late friends, was EVERYTHING to them! I recall realizing that several of my mother's friends literally never, ever read a book once they were out of high school. One of my mother's childhood friends died two years ago at age 80, and her children discovered that she had never once known that her husband had a life insurance policy. She had signed something to receive the death benefit when one of her kids handled estate and other paperwork, and she would have signed a cocktail napkin if asked to do so. The money arrived and she assumed her husband "had it in the bank." She never saw or tried to see a bank statement!!

This is incredible to a lot of people, but it's not rare. I work with seniors in my job, and they can be fascinating people, or they can be so inactive and so disinterested in the outside world, and everything in between.

I'd say to the mom and daughter -- live your lives and get all you can from life -- but the isolation of the older mother needs to possibly just be respected. It might just be her way of living the last years of her life, or she might have been that way ALL her life.

In other words, if she's healthy, eating well, safe, and seems secure and content, is there then a problem at all?

If she's none of the above, and her isolation is fairly recent (was she active before the last five year or so?), then issues like depression can be explored.

I really appreciated the previous comments. I just wanted to add my two cents worth. Our parents have different needs and expectations than we do. I think that it would be a good idea to invite Mom on occasion to things you think she would enjoy, however don't feel guilty if she refuses. She is an adult and should be allowed to make her own choices. take care, J

I just had to say this - without changing a thing, cherish every moment you have with your mom who is still doing things and being a mom. There may be a time when all of those little things are a distant memory.

Re-reading your email made me smile - remembering a time when my mother cooked, cleaned, cared and did all the mom stuff - like making hor duoevre plates for us when we came home from kindergarten and all of the other stuff. Many of the things she did for us kids that were special, I now do for her -

cherish what you have & give your mom a hug from all of us caregivers who remember when having our mom still doing things and smile a little

If you're goal is to have her come along, then you're probably going to have to think of an outing where she feels needed. I think she's hanging out at home because she feels productive and valuable there. It's a hard thing when you have to go places with people who are always better at everything than you! She needs to feel as though she's contributing as well. May-be if you told her you were going on a picnic and need her to cook for you and come to help serve. She might feel as though she were a valuable part of that day. We all need to feel important and needed. If you're as active and successful as you say (and I'm sure you are) than it would be very hard for anyone especially an elderly mother to feel needed.

She seems to want to stay in the place where she feels most needed and accomplished, which is home. Was she a stay at home mother while you were growing up? She may just want to keep taking care of her family because that's what she has always done, and she's good at it. It's a terrible thing when you grow old and feel obsolete, but it's a great thing when someone cares enough to make you feel important, useful and valuable. That's a healing for everyone! Even if she still doesn't want to go places with you, ask her to make your favorite dish (which only she can) or complement her on the way your clothes always smell so clean. The point is to notice her accomplishments with gratitude. You may notice a huge change in her as she begins to stand straighter and smile more. Best of luck to you and your family.

This is great advice. I have a good friend in his early 60s with some hearing impairment, and I see these very things happening to him. He knows he needs hearing aids, but hasn't been ready to get them. The aids get better all the time, so he's been right to wait awhile, but the time comes when people need to get them in order to enjoy being around other people.

First thing to do is to make sure that you've done your best to help her hearing problem. The second thing is to try to understand your mother's hearing loss. When I went with my mother to the audiologist I learned something. I thought hearing loss for her was like when I listen to the TV and the volume is too low. It's not like that. There were certain sounds that she misunderstood. For example, when the audiologist said child, she heard mild. She didn't ask her to speak up. She thought she heard her corectly. Every case is different.

It makes a person look stupid, or disconected when in converstions with others they misunderstand what people are saying. It isn't worth the effort or embarresment to make converstion. When she cooks, cleans etc. she feels competant and succesful. Chit chat is so much work if you can't be sure what you are hearing is what others said. It's even worse if your mother doesn't know that this is what is happening.

All good comments, Cat. The nutrition and light are good points, too. Elders often need supplements as eating well isn't usually a strong point. And good light is known to help many with depression. But, as Cat says, she is then free to do as she pleases. I'm afraid I'll be such a homebody in a few decades no one will get me out and I'll cause just as much frustration, without intending any harm. Bring back pictures is also a terrific idea. Good show, Cat!
Carol

Everyone has made such good points, but I just wanted to add one more thing.
you might also check if she is getting enough sunlight, and eating properly with real nutrition. Makes the world of difference.

THen, all that said, she has free will to do whatever she likes - even if it means sleeping till she wants to wake up and being a homebody. You can always bring back pictures on your cell phone to share....

Your mom is making a choice, and you don't need to feel guilty about it. She has the option of going with you, but chooses not to. That's okay. Do watch for suicide signs, but likely she is just tired of doing stuff and is happy enough with what she has.

Hearing problems can make going out hard. If her hearing is corrected to the best place it can be, then you can't help that either.

The thing to remember is that elders have choices and we may not think they are the best ones, so we feel guilty, when in fact they are doing what they want to do.

Give her the option of going with you, make sure she is safe, and then enjoy yourself and let her be. Some of it may be stubborness, and just an invitation and then an "okay, just thought we'd ask," is good. Then, after a few times, she may decide she is the one making the choice and she may choose to go with you.

You are a good, loving person to be concerned, but only your mother can make the final decision.

your mother sounds alot like my dad. When my mom's dementia wasn't as bad, they were both going to adult day care. But now, he won't and doesn't want to go anywhere, especially without her. As long as she seems happy with what she's doing, there's no reason to worry. How about having activities at home? Maybe throw a party just for her? Does she like that? Sometimes, just having contact with others is enough and it sounds like she's happy just taking care of you.

Why not let the mother do what she feels like doing? She is active around the house and says she is happy. It seems a well intentioned but misguided control issue - the expectation that the elder mom should take part in the activities the are the choice of the daughter. Respect you mom and let her decide what to do with her time. Whose life is it anyway?

I am 52 yo and sound similar to my mother. I am a very active person, but prefer to be active in my own house, housework, music, reading, landscaping, filing, computers. It has taken me years to expand my ability to trust people, and if I did have trouble hearing or seeing, or found their conversation inane, I probably would turn down social activities also.

What you and your daughter do is absolutely fine for both of you, but as you age, you enter a stage of contemplation and don't necessarily need something or someone else to entertain you. I hate it when my husband and kids insist I go to the movies or dinner with them. It just isn't fun for me.

The only suggestion that I would have for you is to search the web for the incidence of suicide among the elderly. You will find the signs and symptoms of elderly who are at risk for suicide. But just because your mother doesn't enjoy the same activities as you doesn't necessarily mean that she is depressed. For your own peace of mind, research suicide and elderly and than accept that she is happy with living her life the way she wants (as long as she poses no danger to herself or anyone else).

At least that is my opinion. Everyone should have the option to livetheir life the way that they want.

Wow - I am tired just reading your post (joke) I do wonder, however if being so caught up in doing, you are missing something important going on in your mom's life, that shouldn't be fixed by more activity - or a personal trainer. There is a stage in most people's lives when they decide that there is more to life than frenetic activity - - perhaps your mother is entering that contemplative phase. Perhaps she just wants to sit for a while and appreciate smelling the roses. She certainly doesn't soud as if she is holding you or your daughter back.

Frankly, I think your mother sounds fine - and you sound like a loving daughter who is concerned about a change. Having been there - done that myself, I think you might take some time to reflect on whether the constant activity and need to not be bored might not lead to your own burn-out. I now take time every day to have quiet time with my mother - she enjoys watching the antics of our backyard wildlife and smelling the flowers - and I enjoy the fact that I will always have these memories even after she is gone and I am old & grey(er). I am a better person for cutting back on constantly doing - *and* am more effective in my professional and civic life.

take care & be well. I am not judging, just giving you another view on how to look at things. Heavy load did a great job of covering most of the health & wellbeing checklist

If your mother has no dementia or mental health issues it is her choice to not participate. Go and do what you want. I know it probably makes you feel guilty, but you have made many offers and she does not want to do any of these things. Do you feel her hearing loss may be part of this? Has she had a recent hearing test? Does she need hearing aids? I know this may not be of much help, but there is only so much you can do. I know. I have an elderly mother living with me and she will not do anything either. Tried for a long time to get her to do things, but have given up.