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Judy - I'm sorry to hear of your situation and will add that you're in very good company. The majority of complaints I read on this site seem to be about family who just don't seem to give a damn. I have two brothers myself who want everyone to believe they are such good son's - yet they won't visit my mom, age 90 and in a nursing home. She's nearly bedridden due to arthritis but her mind is good. I live 7 hours away and see Mom more than both of them combined. Obviously I can't speak about your brothers reasons but as for mine it's a combination of hurt, denial, selfishness and laziness. It's hard to see a parent age and it's hurtful to realize they are so limited. They are selfish not to realize that she NEEDS their company and wants to have family close by - strangers at the dinner table offer little comfort.
A friend of mine felt compelled to move her mother in with her family in Oregon because her brother and his family would not agree to visit his mother a few times week or take her to the grocery. He's a MINISTER!!!! A "man of God" (right... can you sense my sarcasm) - who'll spend much of his time visiting shut ins from his church but won't see his own mom or attempt to get his kids to drop by. Sometimes there's just no good reason at all.
You'll make yourself nuts trying to understand why - all you can do is try to have a good relationship with your mom and your spouse and kids. If you need support or want a break, see if mom will agree to a few months in assisted living. My mom spent the winter in assisted living for two years and it was good for her; instead of being stuck alone in her house for days and days, she had company and was able to get out and walk around the facility.
We have an RV and want to travel during the summer to see our grands. I'm thinking we will have to put her into respite care for the summer, which I know she is NOT going to like. She's been looking in the paper for an apartment. She doesn't think she's 94! She is very strong willed.
Without more information you aren't likely to get a meaningful response.
It's not like dropping off an indoor cactus. "The summer" is a long time. Do you mean every summer?
Your brother's situation might make it very difficult for him to do as you wish. If you look at caregiving realistically, many of the caregivers are women who are married and don't work. The caregiving is, in effect, subsidized by their working husbands. The net impact on their lives might be something like, "Caregiving has REALLY interfered with my craftwork."
OTOH, there are many single caregivers - female and male - who have had their entire lives taken over and have no partner or other family members to help. If they quit their jobs or cut back on their hours, they lose income, contacts and credentials.
Given that our government is rapidly turning into "One nation, for the corporations, by the corporations", maybe 15 or 20 years down the road, if Social Security is destroyed, pensions are nullified, inflation has destroyed their minimal savings, and public assistance is minimal, the solo caregivers might find out that a failure to look after their own future turned out to be fatal.
Then again, maybe your brother is just selfish and lazy.
Has he told you why he doesn't want to take on a responsibility which should be shared by all siblings? All this ping-pong playing can make anyone feel like an orphan, so until your brother has a change of heart sit your mother down and explain the options. You might be surprised. She'll probably say she can fend for herself. After all, if decisions that have a fundamental impact on our lives are going to be made it's only fair we should be in on it.
Well, Judy, at least you got an answer from your brother. I asked my sister where it is carved in stone that I am the sole caregiver for our Mother, and she ignores me. Those who have heart and soul are the ones who end up being the caregivers. Someone said those words on this site. Maybe you could ask him to contribute financially instead, so you could add a caregiver to relieve you, and let him know it is so you can take a vacation, get away for a break--like he does. "They"-- the self-centered, uncooperative siblings are sometimes a bigger drain of energy and patience than doing the 24/7/365 "job". I can depend on my Mother's daytime caregivers to be there for me after a difficult night with her so I can do my day job, but I cannot depend on my siblings for any kind of help. All the Best to you and your Mom:) christina
My brother works 5 minutes from his house. He took Mom last year but I had to find someone who would stay with her while he was at work. He said she slopped coffee on the floor, so he doesn't want her there this year. He is the youngest, I am the oldest. It's a very long story. He has not stopped by to visit her in 3 weeks and will not answer his phone when she calls. He's a very self-centered person. We would be gone for 3 months. He moved down here to "help with Mom and take some of the burden off of us" .... now he claims he did not say that.
Dont waste your time,it wont happen. There are agengies that will give you some assistance in caregiving,providing that she has an illness that requires respite to come in and care for her but only for a week possiably two. As for your sibling,dont frustrate yourself,life is too short. I have 6 sisters who wont help,so as far as I'm concerned I am an only child,I went through the whole we'll help and we'll be there for mom and after 1 yr of assistance they made all sorts of excuses-Mom has been with us now for 7 yrs-I do go out to get away thanks to the assistance of my husband and children, But as far as a REAL vacation without the worry of Who Will Watch My Mom, Nope that truly hasn't happen. I know that there is a God and Although I dont wish my siblings wrong,I know that they will pay penance for every thing they Haven't done with our Mom. So in my opinion, dont waste your time with your brother, Take time for your self and your Mom,figure out if they are agencies in your area to assist you in your need to get away! Take care.
Family relationships can be difficult. My experience is that it is important to ask for help to address your needs not demand it.because it is someone else's duty.
hi Judy... perhaps your brother knows he is incapable of filling your shoes. He may not be as caring, afraid he may lose his temper. I don't think he is being self centered just afraid he won't meet her needs. It is a huge responsibility even if she is spry
That's a good answer, Puzzlesncards. It is a huge responsibility, and usually goes to the most capable and busy people. My sister travels all the time, has never had a job, while I do two jobs and take the night shift for our 93 year old Mother. Know what? I do it because it's the right thing to do, and got tired of seeing her over-medicated, falling, ignored and yelled at in a residential care home. Like so many people, we sacrifice a big part of our life to do the care giving. It would be wrong if I, knowing what I do, put her back into a care home. This was expensive and one of the best recommended by a free online placement service. My sister thinks this would be OK. But, she never helped look for a place, doesn't manage the money, didn't modify her home to accommodate our Mother, give up personal freedom, privacy in her home, etc. She could, she just is selfish and weak. Doesn't answer me when I ask her if she would come here for a couple of days WITH the caregiver so my husband could take a break. No, she could never fill my shoes.
Hello Judy, I am in the same boat with you. I am taking care of my husband with AD and our sons 45 and 39 live in town. One lives 7 houses down from us and the other about a mile. They never come or call to see if there is anything they can do or if I need a few minutes out. I just take him with me which he does not want to go. If you find a solution to this please let me know. I dont want a summer just an hour or two once a week. God Bless
callmeishmael, nice comment about the "non" working, crafting, stay home women who are supported by their husbands. Did it ever occur to you that these people deserve some "me time" too. To do as they wish. I am fortunate enough to not have to work but that doesn't give my brother a free pass. Same when I was a stay home Mom to my three kids, everyone thought I would just do whatever since I "didn't have anything else to do". Sorry but you hit a nerve.
My brothers won't even take my mom out for dinner, let alone an overnight visit. But I've come to believe that since they are so selfish and uncaring, she is better off without them. One had been "borrowing" money from her on a regular basis until I stepped in and the other has no patience and a hot temper. Perhaps your mom is better off as well. I've been looking into a home health care agency for a respite worker to come stay here. It seems like it might be a good alternative to putting her in a facility when we go on vacation. I know she would HATE that!
Thanks for all the feedback. lily04 - it sounds like we have the same kind of brothers. LOL. Hank4422 - "bribe him with steak"? We've tried that and just about everything else .... he's had dinner at our house many many times .... he's invited us to his for dinner ONCE! He says the reason he doesn't want her there is because she slopped coffee on his carpet last year and didn't clean it up! He gets upset with her and then they don't talk for days. I told him that it was up to him to tell Mom she couldn't stay at his house this summer and he's such a chicken, he has not been to see her or answered her calls for 3 weeks! What a weasel! I think I'll have to find respite care for her for 3 months. Hate to do it, and she may not like it, but there's nothing else we can do. We've been married over 46 years and this is starting to cause a problem .... we have NO privacy at all.
I would hate to see your brother take your Mom because he felt forced into it. That would be just awful for her. I'm sure she would sense being unwanted the whole time. It is hard enough when someone truly wants to take on the responsibility. I couldn't imagine doing it just because someone insisted that I do it. It is definitely life-changing; even if it's just for the summer. Some people just cannot do it, and I think if we realize that, we can still maintain loving relationships with them. The thing I miss the most is not seeing our grandchildren. We are missing so much of their lives.
It sounds like many of us must be related because we all have the same "dead beat" siblings! I sounds as if mom is still pretty capable and with that in mind here are some suggestions...I don't know where you live or where you plan on spending your summer, but I'd check into some ALF's in different parts of the country that have a variety of outdoor activities. There are some really nice ones in the north and south eastern states. I saw one online the other day that is on a farm and the prices were reasonable. There's one in Miami on the bay that is more like a KeyWest B&B- I'd like to go there! Another option if she wants to stay home is to find a neighbor as a companion. Check with your local church and see who they could suggest. Many teachers are off for the summer and some of them would welcome the extra income. You definitely need and deserve time off- Good luck!
Callmeishmael, some of those non working crafting women gave up careers, businesses, LIVES, to take care of a parent. I was by no means a crafting lady. We've come very close to losing our home, we have one vehicle (a 1998 model) struggle to help put our son through college (thank God for pell grants & student loans), and eat lots of past because it's cheap! I can't even entertain the idea of sending our high school child to drivers Ed. This is not what we had planned! I left behind an 80k year job to do this! How dare you say that before this mostof us lunched with the ladies and sported matching sweater sets! You're posting on the wrong board if this is really what you think!
to Madge1 she was not asking for a free pass. Just some as you call it ME TIME. Taking care of your own children and a sick parent, or other is not the same. You can usually reason with your children but with someone with AD forget it. I know because I am there. Sorry your nerves are so touchy. Try walking in our shoes for just an hour or two. Hope you have lots of me time today .
Hello Friends, Everyone is touchy on this job once in a while. RE: the callous remark by "call me ick, I'm ill". He's is touchy too, but in a passive aggressive way, attacking fellow caregivers instead of bonding or aligning with us. He is one of those "ring the doorbell and run" guys. Let's help each other, give credit where credit is due, and ignore the AHs who don't like to play by the rules. See where I'm coming from? Don't let another caregiver get under your skin. He needs help!!! We all need help:) hugs, christina
See, Judy, you're not alone...in many respects, but on this particular subject, you've definitely got company. I think every family has at least one. We do! My brother-in-law, who is single (widowed) with a teenage son, lives at St. George Island (about 90 miles from where we are in Tallahassee). We often hear from folks that they've seen him in town...oh, at the Harley-Davidson place buying a new Harley, or shopping at the mall. He RARELY calls; does not acknowledge any occasions or holidays. When he does come...Christmas before last, he, his girlfriend, and son came late Christmas Eve, stayed until we fed them (they never bring a thing or offer to help!)...so sad. Then they "ate and ran" as they took "leftovers" home with them. My mother in law and my deceased father in law adopted both of these boys as infants. Gave them both a wonderful life--spoiled them, really. The way we see it is that they gave and it's our time to give back. Hard to believe when kids are raised by the same people they can be so different! The last time my husband saw his brother, sometime early last year, he stopped by while he was "in town"...his mission? To find out what's in Mom's will. He specifically wanted to know who gets Mom's house. There ya go...that's what it's about for him. People like him and all these other siblings who are just selfish and self-centered have NO clue what any of us are going through. Even if he offered to stay with her for a day, he'd have no idea what all that entails...who her doctors are, what meds she takes and when, what she eats, when she eats, when she gets up, when she goes to bed...nothing...he knows nothing; and, well, we guess he doesn't want to. The way we look at it is that it is HIS loss; he will probably be the one crying the loudest when she's gone; he's missing out on a lot! May God have mercy on him...and God bless us one and all who are in this place.
So, sorry, but more than likely your brother is just NOT going to help and you can't make him! So be it...hang in there! Great group of people here to talk to and vent to and receive support from...my lucky day when I "happened" to find them here! Welcome!
Thanks, again, for all your comments. You're right ... I would not want to stay with someone who didn't want me. We live in the Florida panhandle and in our area there are only 2 or 3 places for respite care. I'm not sure how Mom would interact with the other residents. She doesn't think or act like she is 94. She comments on people 15 years younger than her as "old person". No one can believe that she is 94. I'm afraid she's going to think we're "putting her out to pasture". But I will stress to her that it's just while we're gone that she will be there. Thanks, again, you guys are great!
Are there in-home caregiver possibilities that would work for her? Can she be left alone? Would one daytime caregiver for 8 hours who could fix meals be sufficient? Or would you want someone available on the overnight and maybe meals on wheels? I dunno what all your options might be. If going to a respite care place is best, does she have friends (or do you have friends) who might take her to lunch once or twice a week or do something to get her out of her room? Just brainstorming here. And the stuff with your brother sounds a bit like a divorce situation where one parent is being selfish, and as hard as it is, you just have to quit expecting anything of the selfish one and do your best to keep the child (in the divorce situation it's a child, in your situation it's your mother) out of the middle. Good luck. Safe travels.
54i, you misunderstand my comments. I was responding to callmeishmael. His remarks were not kind. I meant, the "brother" is wanting a free pass not the poor caregiver. She is a saint, callmeishmael, made a crack about non working caregivers, read his remarks. The caregiver needs "me time". Sorry but I think you misunderstood. :)
54i, by the way what makes you think I am not taking care of an elderly parent? I am on your side, not the other way around. That is why callmeishmael touched a nerve. Take care
Getting respite care for your mom seems to be the best solution, Judykins. I hope you can get it. You, your husband, and your marriage deserve it, I think. Please let us know what happens and who pays for the respite care.
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A friend of mine felt compelled to move her mother in with her family in Oregon because her brother and his family would not agree to visit his mother a few times week or take her to the grocery. He's a MINISTER!!!! A "man of God" (right... can you sense my sarcasm) - who'll spend much of his time visiting shut ins from his church but won't see his own mom or attempt to get his kids to drop by. Sometimes there's just no good reason at all.
You'll make yourself nuts trying to understand why - all you can do is try to have a good relationship with your mom and your spouse and kids. If you need support or want a break, see if mom will agree to a few months in assisted living. My mom spent the winter in assisted living for two years and it was good for her; instead of being stuck alone in her house for days and days, she had company and was able to get out and walk around the facility.
Best of luck to you!
It's not like dropping off an indoor cactus. "The summer" is a long time. Do you mean every summer?
Your brother's situation might make it very difficult for him to do as you wish. If you look at caregiving realistically, many of the caregivers are women who are married and don't work. The caregiving is, in effect, subsidized by their working husbands. The net impact on their lives might be something like, "Caregiving has REALLY interfered with my craftwork."
OTOH, there are many single caregivers - female and male - who have had their entire lives taken over and have no partner or other family members to help. If they quit their jobs or cut back on their hours, they lose income, contacts and credentials.
Given that our government is rapidly turning into "One nation, for the corporations, by the corporations", maybe 15 or 20 years down the road, if Social Security is destroyed, pensions are nullified, inflation has destroyed their minimal savings, and public assistance is minimal, the solo caregivers might find out that a failure to look after their own future turned out to be fatal.
Then again, maybe your brother is just selfish and lazy.
Has he told you why he doesn't want to take on a responsibility which should be shared by all siblings? All this ping-pong playing can make anyone feel like an orphan, so until your brother has a change of heart sit your mother down and explain the options. You might be surprised. She'll probably say she can fend for herself. After all, if decisions that have a fundamental impact on our lives are going to be made it's only fair we should be in on it.
-- ED
Maybe you could ask him to contribute financially instead, so you could add a caregiver to relieve you, and let him know it is so you can take a vacation, get away for a break--like he does. "They"-- the self-centered, uncooperative siblings are sometimes a bigger drain of energy and patience than doing the 24/7/365 "job". I can depend on my Mother's daytime caregivers to be there for me after a difficult night with her so I can do my day job, but I cannot depend on my siblings for any kind of help. All the Best to you and your Mom:) christina
God Bless
Does he give a reason(s) why he won't take her for a while?
It sounds like many of us must be related because we all have the same "dead beat" siblings! I sounds as if mom is still pretty capable and with that in mind here are some suggestions...I don't know where you live or where you plan on spending your summer, but I'd check into some ALF's in different parts of the country that have a variety of outdoor activities. There are some really nice ones in the north and south eastern states. I saw one online the other day that is on a farm and the prices were reasonable. There's one in Miami on the bay that is more like a KeyWest B&B- I'd like to go there! Another option if she wants to stay home is to find a neighbor as a companion. Check with your local church and see who they could suggest. Many teachers are off for the summer and some of them would welcome the extra income. You definitely need and deserve time off- Good luck!
Taking care of your own children and a sick parent, or other is not the same. You can usually reason with your children but with someone with AD forget it. I know because I am there. Sorry your nerves are so touchy. Try walking in our shoes for just an hour or two.
Hope you have lots of me time today .
Everyone is touchy on this job once in a while. RE: the callous remark by "call me ick, I'm ill". He's is touchy too, but in a passive aggressive way, attacking fellow caregivers instead of bonding or aligning with us. He is one of those "ring the doorbell and run" guys.
Let's help each other, give credit where credit is due, and ignore the AHs who don't like to play by the rules. See where I'm coming from? Don't let another caregiver get under your skin. He needs help!!! We all need help:) hugs, christina
So, sorry, but more than likely your brother is just NOT going to help and you can't make him! So be it...hang in there! Great group of people here to talk to and vent to and receive support from...my lucky day when I "happened" to find them here! Welcome!
And the stuff with your brother sounds a bit like a divorce situation where one parent is being selfish, and as hard as it is, you just have to quit expecting anything of the selfish one and do your best to keep the child (in the divorce situation it's a child, in your situation it's your mother) out of the middle.
Good luck. Safe travels.