Why do people always say, “I hope you and your parents are well.” Well!?! They know they have Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia and both are in the late stages. It is so annoying. I feel like saying to them, “No! They are not at all well! They both have fatal conditions and are living a horrendous life at the moment, thank you.”
That is what I want to say or scream at them but what should I say?
Especially this time of year, when greeting cards are being sent, we may see people that we do not see the rest of the year, we can expect people to greet us with or write good wishes.
I have people tell me I am lucky that my Dad is still alive. Yes, lucky to have had another year of abuse from him. To deal with an ever growing hoard. I let their comments slide.
If you want to answer honestly, what about, "it is challenging to watch my parents decline... and hard to take care of their ever growing needs"
I've met many other care givers since becoming one myself, and I don't know what to say or ask them without coming across as insensitive or insincere. I, too, would like to know which comments and questions were best received.
I have a cousin who I don't know very well as he was much older. Every Christmas I would send him and his wife a greeting card. And in my holiday letter would write "hope everyone is doing well". Neither he nor his wife would write a letter back, therefore I had no idea what was going on in his family. I did find out a couple years ago that his wife has dementia via word of another cousin.
Gosh, how would I word a holiday letter to them knowing the wife has dementia? Any good advice?
If he didn't tell you himself, he may not even know if you know her diagnosis or not. It's the thought that counts. Send the card & letter. It's impossible to know how he feels but I think it would be worse to just stop getting cards & letters from people.
Prayers said for you and yours.
Many, "disappear" learning of medical ailments , lest they are asked for help
Yesterday, I was out with a friend; her mom, who is 99 has dementia; this lovely lady has 24/7 aides paid for by Medicaid.
My friend expressed displeasure that when she calls, her mother tells her that she is not yet dressed.
When my friend is known to be coming to visit, the aides make sure that "mom" is dressed and up in her wheelchair.
I mentioned that "mom" is still a person who is allowed to say "no thank you" when/if the aides say "would you like to get up/dressed now?"
This information did not go over well with my friend. I'm never sure WHAT to say to her.
In the same fashion, when my mom had dementia and was in a nursing home, my friend often said things to me that infuriated me.
I think having a parent who is declining in this way makes one angry at whomever says ANYTHING to you.
Understand that part of this may be a reaction to your own powerlessness and move on.
So, I hazard to say to you, say the same thing if someone asks how your parents are. Tell the truth! You don't have to blurt it out in an angry way. Just say something like this "to be honest with you, my parents are both in declining stages, it's very hard, I hope you never have to deal with this but thanks for asking" Maybe it would help them if they ever have to deal with the same thing in the future. The truth will set you free!
I just find telling the truth is best...for me!!!
Give them an answer that will leave them scratching their head! Hahaha
Some people just say crazy stuff. My friend is the caregiver to her younger sister who is 51 years old, with Downs and dementia. A mutual friend of ours asked her if her sister was born with Downs. What did she think, that a person develops Downs later in life? I guess so.
Sometimes you get honesty (up shit-creek), sometimes you get an honest answer (up shit-creek), and sometimes you get humour (up shit creek), all delivered in a manner to guide me whether to pursue the topic or not.
If you think it a weird thing, think of Steel Magnolias when Shirley McLean's character nudges the bereft father without looking him in the eye. A weird action to carry out when everyone else is walking on egg shells, yet it conveys more love and understanding than those standing around trying to think of the 'right' thing to say. If I was Els1eL I would be answering 'up shit creek without a paddle', which conveys things are really bad, yet without wanting to go into detail.
😂 hahaha, I get it! I live in Louisiana! So, I get the Louisiana humor. I’m in New Orleans though. Steel Magnolias was filmed in Natchitoches, Louisiana.
"Getting worse each day. Thanks for asking."
My former fil has Parkinson's and is a colon cancer survivor. His wife, who si 15 year younger has cancer again for the 4 or 5 time. She is dying now. There is no hope. Yet it was time to send their Christmas note. What to say?
I have asked my ex for an update on his Dad's health, but not had a reply. I had to write a note to a couple I love who will be having their last Christmas together. It is very hard to convey my love and concern in a letter. I cannot call, as fil cannot hear on the phone.
So I hoped they were the best they could be. I asked about their granddaughter in the UK, where they live. And I finished it off with a newsy letter about the grandchildren here (my kids) and let them know they will be great grandparents early next year. Sadly, she will likely be gone before the baby arrives and fil is not well enough to travel.
When people ask how I (or family member) am doing, I say “well (not good)” or “it’s been a good ( bad) day” or “it comes and goes as with anyone”, etc.
I do try to be more generic with strangers, but mostly the people who ask are sincere.
As to acquaintances, Just say - Thank you they are doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances.
All others: Just say "Thank you!"
people can really be at a loss of words when trying to express caring so i grit my teeth when im the caregiver and hope they understand when im the friend.
but ive finally come up with best wishes ... and hope that thats just right.