Tomorrow we start a new era, someone is coming to stay 2 hours with us to get to know us, and for me to be comfortable leaving my husband with her. I am so nervous, have never had any help for anything, but will need this sooner than later. This is the beginning, I am in tears tonight trying to come to terms with this. If I were someone telling me this, I would advise me to grow up and stop whining. Why can't I take my own advice? Got any ideas?
My advise is to relax and receive the help that is offered as a natural progression of life and know that you can take a breath now and spend more quality time with your DH.
‘Please come back and let us know how it goes.
I'll be back at some point, sooner or later to let you know how it went! Thanks again, so much!
And it is so understandable that you are nervous, a stranger arriving that will get to know your family's personal needs intimately.
Welcome the help, it truly is a new era.
But that is not my advice. Here it is: (Because I already made some mistakes having help come in):
Treat the caregiver as a professional, and expect from her/him the same.
Think on these things:
1) The caregiver will have no authority over you, and should not start telling you what to do.
2) The caregiver will not solve all of your problems or take over (should not take over).
3) Keep your boundaries up.
4) No need to share everything or too soon.
Come back and ask anything of your fellow caregivers here.
The down and dirty ground rules are so helpful to remember, too. I will try to keep them in mind. Thanks for responding!
I had my first caregiver experience with help for my mom 2 days ago, and it went so well! The caregiver was very nice, friendly, knowledgable, helpful, etc. She was not bossy or domineering. Gave suggestions in a friendly fashion. I could not have asked for a better experience!
Good luck. Let us know how it goes. I bet it's one of those situations that we all get in sometimes where we worry about something and it all ends up so much better than we could have expected.
Keep coming back here, lots of information, many points of view and we're all in this together!
Also, if any agency, anyone related to your husband's care, doctors, nurses, who ever offers you anything-take it! My Aunt told me she turned down extra help for her father with dementia and it was the biggest mistake she ever made, thinking she could do it all. I took her advice to heart and I had all kinds of extra stuff (note pads, pens, info) when caring for Mom.
Make sure what her responsibilities are. If an agency, then she should have a job description. Remember, she is there for your husband. Look up on internet what the responsibilities are of a CNA and a HHA. They are a little different. The aide should not be making more work for you.
Just posted this on another question where someone replied that her Moms aide did not keep her room sparkling. I explained that aides do light housekeeping like dusting and running a sweeper. Their responsibility is to the person they care for. If the aide makes a mess getting lunch ready for a client, then its the aides responsibility to clean it up. But she is not obligated to clean up dishes left in the sink from the night before or clean your whole house. She is responsible if her client soils clothing or bedding, while she is present, and throw them in the washer. If client lives alone, she would be responsible for much more but when there is someone else in the household she isn't.
Also remember, you are the employer. You pay or help pay her salary. She reports to you. If she leaves a towel on the floor of the bathroom, yes she needs to pick it up and hang it up if you use it more than once. Or, throw it in the laundry basket. We had a poster complain about aides that threw wet towels on the floor even after she ask that they walk up the hall to the laundry room and throw them in a basket.
It is nice when everything works out and the aide, you and husband all like and respect each other. But remember to keep a level of professionalism. Yes, some seem to become part of the family but the problem is you can become too comfortable.
One woman had an aide bringing her children to work. They were unruly and was asking how to handle it. We gave her suggestions but don't think she came back and told us how she handled it.
Tell the aide what areas she is allowed in. You have the right to make some areas off limits. Do not leave money or any financial stuff, like credit cards, bankstatements, checkbooks about. Or expensive jewelry. Do not allow the aide to use a credit card or bank card to shop for you. Buy gift cards and allow her to use them. Do not loan her money. The agency probably has rules concerning gifting too. Some of these aides see vulnerable old people. You may not feel you are but that is what they see.
Not trying to rain on your parade, just want you aware that like in everything, there is good and bad. You need to be vigilant.
ACCEPT help
ASK for help.
And I guess another is to know you limits.
You will lose friends during this journey. They will stop calling and asking if you want to meet for lunch, or go to a movie (has anyone really been to a movie theater in the past 1 1/2- 2 years?)
People will say "OH, if there is anything I can do let me know." Well you need to take them up on the offer.
If you don't have help that day say, "That is a great offer Sue, I really need a dozen eggs and a gallon of milk. If you can stop at the store and get those for me I will make lunch and we can sit and chat."
Keep a list of things that need to be done so if someone asks you can give them the top 2 items on the list.
Your friends want to help but don't know what help you need.
If your husbands friends call up say "Bill" would love it if you came and played a game of cards with him (or talked about the game...whatever) An hour with a friend you can run to the store and pick up a few items you need. (Just make sure your husbands friend is ok with being left for an hour or so.)
It will get easier having people come in and help.
experience. Good luck 🍀
So, welcome this new person into your lives. Help this person get to know your usual schedule and where everything is kept. Clue him or her into what works to get to your husband to do things - and what hasn't worked for you. Let them know your husbands "likes" and a little about his past. Think of this person as a new friend. You've got this.
* I hope / presume that tomorrow is a 'meet and greet' vs an actual day where you will leave your husband in care of this person - ?
IDEAS:
* write questions out before she arrives.
* depending on how verbal / cognition of your husband, ask him what he would like to know about this person.
* certainly ask about references, both work and personal and then CALL the references.
* give this person a couple of possible scenarios of what might / could happen (that you are actually concerned about) and ask her how she would handle it / these situations.
* remember, interviewing doesn't equate hiring. This is a meeting to meet and see if it is a fit - for you and your husband.
* What are the issues / needs of your husband? For instance, does he have angry outbursts? Ask her how she handles these situations. Is he incontinent? Are there any issues with embarrassment for your husband with a female caregiver?
* Tell her what you would like her to do and ask her if she has experience in these areas. Lots of these situations are a combination of common sense. awareness, compassion, and patience.
* Let her know you are nervous or apprehensive as this is the first time you've had to hire someone. Ask her why she would make a good candidate to be your husband's care provider.
* Look for compassion, maturity, honesty, common sense. And, does she look you in the eye?
* Is she live scanned ? (finger printed and criminal check). You will need to do this unless she is from an agency wherein they are supposed to / required to do these things.
Lastly, how do you want to handle safety measures due to Covid? Is she to wear a mask for the time she is with you/r husband? Ask her for proof of vaccinations. If no vaccines, do not hire her. At this point, she should have the booster, too.
* * *
Gena
Caregiver works for you and if you or your husband don't like the Caregiver, you can ask for a different one.
I would have cameras installed in the Home so I would be more comfortable when away.
I used Nest Cameras and they were pretty easy to install and I felt more comfortable when away that I could check in ND see how things were going anytime 24 7 just by using my cell phone or laptop.
The only other advice I would offer depends on your husband's ability to understand. For us, we always make sure to include our loved one in conversations about care when talking to the caretakers. Instead of referring to my loved one as SHE, we include her as part of the planning. Don't know if that's for you... just works for us.
Good luck and do NOT consider it "whining"... the worry is real.
Use this opportunity to set the tone. If there are any “please do not——s” say them now. (That is much easier and more comfortable than correcting the action later).
Here is one to start you off - “Please do not spend time on your cell phone.”
First of all, please don’t be so hard on yourself. Cry all you want and then cry some more, if you want. What you’re going through with your best friend is very, very difficult…but, you will find that as life ebbs and flows, so do the silly and sweet moments that keep us close. You will get used to this facet and if you try, you’ll find the silver lining.
I would kindly suggest you find a caregiver support group to join, if time allows. It’s helpful to see how others cope and you will find friends who really “get it.” I learned a lot from the friends I made, who were going through the same, with all kinds of family members.
If you really want to take your own advice, there is a way I was taught by my therapist: Tomorrow tell yourself you will cry for four hours—or whatever amount you feel a need to cry for—(set the timer), then the following week, change the crying to only three hours and continue until you’re not crying all of the time, but enjoying the positive changes you will see in your husband.
Lastly, it’s not a bad idea to get a babysitter spy camera and place if in a concealed place, but will also give him a good place on camera. So you are going to have to tell her that you have a camera running.But eventually she’ll forget about it. And stop home without telling her you’ll be stopping, while you’re there, look at everything and it’s place. When you return, ask her why ? If you see things where they shouldn’t be and get solid answers. Give a friend with a key snd ask them to stop by at times she wouldn’t do anything or expect company and find bow she’s doing. Also be e tea careful about how you word things so there’s nothing left to guess, along with telephone numbers to get in touch with you. Leave clear instructions. Maybe some time you’ll ha d the opportunity to be with her while she’s there and you can learn safe ways to transport him and change him if that’s necessary.
Please ask anything you like. And I’d love to know how it’s going so far.
Wishing you and he the strength you didn’t know you had along with the love the will never end.
Dec 8, 2021
Thank again, for a lovely caring answer! It went well, the young lady turned out to be spouse to someone else who works for us during the warm months! My DH was grumpy but managed to come round and they shared a little time looking at his hobby stuff! She was great and I look forward to having her back !
Thanks for calming me down! Appreciate it!
HisBestFriend
Dec 8, 2021
I'm back, 97, all in one piece! It went well, she was a lovely young lady, made the effort to talk to the grumpy one and is winning him over. A couple more visits and they will be pals!
Appreciate your input so much, thanks again!