My 90 yr old dad flirts with a lady in his senior living residence. Staff/Director is demanding we pay an extra 'sitting' fee so he doesn't touch her or anyone inappropriately. They are threatening that if something happens, it is a felony and he could go to jail. We live in Oklahoma. Help! We can't afford to hire a sitter ($5000/mo) on top of his Senior Living care ($4500). When we said we may have to take him to another place, they said he might not be accepted since they have 'incident' reports on him. My dad is not aggressive, just friendly with some dementia. Seems like a shake down to me. Any advice would be helpful.
As we tend to lean towards the humor in this situation, the reality is we never know what goes on in the minds of alz/dem patients. I was encouraged that enough of my mom's true self was in her to defend herself against unwanted advance.
Here is a thought that might need looking into: has Dr checked meds on the male LO? I have read that some medications can ramp up the libido. And I agree, this seems like a shakedown.
Hope answers come your way!
The woman's family if they are the POA (power of attorney) can ask to see her records but not his (HIPPA). There are so many unanswered questions here. Does either of the two residents involved have dementia? What exactly do you mean by flirting, is any physical contact involved. If not, then no you can't charge the man with a felony or assault!!
The best thing the family could do is set up a meeting with the home and asked more questions. If this woman is being bothered by the man there are things the home can try without violating either resident's rights.
The family should call their local Long-term Care Ombudsman office and have them investigate. The Ombudsman is the Federally Mandated Advocates for residents in long-term care. It is a free service to residents and their families and is available in all States.
It's quite possible this could be the case in either independent or assisting senior living. Residents are expected to be able to take care of themselves to a greater degree and have a grasp of reality and adult responsibilities. If their definition of "flirting" is grabbing or trying to kiss someone against their will, it's an issue, unfortunately. And now sadly it's your issue.
Paying the fees you're likely paying and hiring a sitter is out of the question. I would consider moving him back home for a short time with home care if that's an option. During that time, I would also have him evaluated by clinicians to try to determine his true mental state. Many of these people will do evaluations in the home.
If that's not possible, see if you can set appointments for him outside that facility and away from their clinicians to get the same evaluations. If this is a scam, which it might very well be, they may skew the evaluations in their, not your dad's, best interest.
While you're pursuing either of these options, it would be wise to visit and interview other facilities. Once you have a better idea of your dad's needs for level of care, you can make a commitment to move him to another place.
And when you do that, if at all possible, I would not mention his former facility. It may be unavoidable, but it's worth a try. If it's a scam, they'll try to poison the well. If it's not, they may not try to prevent him from leaving to go to another place.
'senior living residence"
Senior apartments? IL facility? AL facility? Care home?
"so he doesn't touch her or anyone inappropriately."
Have they provided reports that he has actually done this or are they concerned his current behavior will lead to that? You mention 'incident' reports - have you seen them? Has another resident actually made complaint(s)?
As others suggested, it might be appropriate to consider MC facility. Of course he could become infatuated with another resident there too, but they are more inclined to monitor residents. Most "senior facilities" such as IL/AL/apartments do not "watch over" residents 24/7. If someone is making advances towards another in these places, it might be reported by the other person if the "attention" is unwanted.
While I wouldn't object to them reporting issues to me, I would object to them threatening you/him. That's not an appropriate way to handle issues. A good place would have ways to work with residents and advocates without resorting to threats.
I would want to see these 'incident' reports myself. I would likely want dad evaluated by someone from outside the facility, to determine if he needs more supervised care. While checking out the situation, also be looking for another place for dad. Even if this "issue" is resolved, with or without hiring a sitter, he's already more or less been labeled as a problem by them. It begs future crap from them. MC is more expensive, however it's probably going to be less than the cost of his current facility plus a 24/7 "sitter."
Also, if he already has shown signs/been DXed with dementia, MC will be in his future anyway, so this might be the right time to consider moving him.
What does the contract say about oversight of each patient? $4500 per month for assisted living seems rather cheap. Is this really assisted living or maybe more of independent living apartments? It might help you to call Ombudsman's office or department for elderly services in that county to get more info from them about the facility where he lives and the situation.
Residents in these facilities are lonely, frightened and oftentimes confused it only helps to have some companionship. There is no reason to keep them apart.
I agree with everything you said PatienceSD
Your father may not be aggressive but the nursing home has a responsibility to protect the woman from unwanted touching - his state of mind (flirting) is irrelevant.
one person's flirting is clearly another person's unacceptable sexual intrustions.
This is a good example of something many people already know. Assisted living facilities are an industry and oftentimes predatory - I don’t have time to go into examples now maybe later but yes this is as you put it a “shakedown”.
a felony? That’s absurd. They’re trying to con you into paying thousands extra on top of what your already paying for.
what do they pay their staff for? One reason is to ensure safety. So they should not require a sitter on top of what they’re already being paid a lot of money for!
Disgusting they’re taking advantage of your circumstances but that’s what they do.
If he had assaulted someone that’s a different story. I would take him out of there and find a way to care for him at home, at his age he doesn’t have that much time left anyway, if you can’t do that then find an alternative to this disgusting place
Unfortunately, many younger people don't realize that feelings don't change as we age. Ninety-year-olds fall in love as much as a twenty-year-old. And physical contact is important, dementia or not.
Unconsented to touching is never acceptable. The touching doesn't have to inappropriate to be problematic -- It just has to be unwanted
Also, I would look for another facility independently of help of where he is at now. You may need to seriously consider an all male facility, or find a facility that specializes in the specific care he needs. Not all assisted living or long term care facilities are prepared to care for an individual with special dementia care needs. Moving him to an all male unit will greatly reduce his interactions with women and ultimately relieve the need for a full time companion
Be very skeptical as you tour new facilities, the Admissions office will promise you everything but the actual care provided may vary. Ask to speak with the nursing staff if at all possible.
I will tell you that the facility has you over a barrel with this....so be careful how you proceed. I complained when I was finally allowed in to see my mother since the covid lockdown, she was disheveled.. her hair was dirty, her clothes were stained and on inside out and her legs were swollen and no one noticed. I took pics of all, emailed the director and asked them "exactly what are we were paying for?" and all of the sudden mom needs to leave assisted living and go to memory care. We have no recourse and there is no way to transfer mom elsewhere without the facilities talking to one another.
If I were you, I would tell his facility that you are taking their concerns seriously and will work with his doctor on adjusting his meds. You're going to have to play nice so that he doesn't get kicked out and put on a "list".
Good Luck!
I agree, speak with the primary care provider or nursing
My thoughts and that and a couple of bucks will get you a cup of coffee.
The facility is responsible for any resident who may not feel safe or is not fully consenting to this behavior and that is where they are coming from.
I wrote a little about this in my last pubilcation, REMEMBERING WHAT I FORGOT. (K. Allen)
I pray it will be a helpful tool for you and your fellow family members.
Ken
A long-term care community cannot require a family to hire a sitter/private duty staff to stay with their loved one. The "incident report" that they refer to is NOT part of a resident's medical record; therefore, they could not give those out to another community if you were moving him. These "incident reports" are used for tracking purposes. Whenever an incident happens (falls, situation between residents), these are filled out to track things like the time of day involved (staff); they are tracking anything that may show a pattern. Again these reports are not shown to families because they are not part of the medical record.
If your dad is doing nothing more than flirting without any physical contact with another resident, you have nothing to worry about. If the home wants him moved, they must issue a 30-day discharge notice. In that notice, the home must include a location for him to go (Federal Law); the place included in the discharge letter must be a safe place. If you are not happy with the location, you have the 30-days to find a new place or appeal the discharge. If you choose to appeal the discharge, I recommend reaching out to your local Long Term Care Ombudsman Office for assistance.
I suspect that the family of the woman has confronted the administration about your father's actions. They want it stopped now. So, you are being notified that something must be done. Interestingly, the facility hasn't considered locks that only staff can operate, especially at night. It seems that the facility should be able to keep your father and the lady in question in separate activities during the day. Though it may sound harsh, maybe your father needs to be locked into his room at night so he doesn't wander.
Please consult a lawyer that specializes in elder care for specifics about your situation. He/She can give you specific guidance based on the laws in your area.
Is he kissing her without her permission - or does she reciprocate? (Then it would be consensual if she agrees.)
He does not need a sitter unless he is groping somebody, is a peeping Tom, etc.
My guess is that there are indications that his behavior may be heading beyond verbal flirting - which is why they are asking for a sitter to monitor his behavior.
Finally - it may be that he is ready for a higher level of care now.