My husband and I moved in with his elderly parents two years ago. Lots of health issues, including dementia and heart problems. I was close to my two daughters and 4 grandchildren before we moved 3 states away. I feel sad and lonely and miss them so much. My son is a little closer but he is really busy. My question is do others wish they would hear from their kids more often and feel not very important anymore? They also don't want to hear about my struggles caring for my elderly in-laws, so I try not to share unless they ask and even then I can tell they are just asking to be polite. I am very discouraged.
You decided to give up your children and grandchildren's interaction, by moving out of state. They may have some resentment as you left them for your in-laws. No doubt that you are missing out on the fun times with your grandchildren. There is always a trade off in life.
I do understand them not wanting to hear about the in-laws, I feel that they would be thinking, "She chose to do this" so leave the negativity out of the conversation, we do not want to hear it.
Might be time to move the in-laws in a home, so that you can get on with your life and start enjoying your family.
I also found that my 'children' didn't always want to hear anything negative about a beloved grandparent...no matter how true. One time I was so overwhelmed with trying to get my father ready for AL that I asked my daughter to help for half a day and take over. It was certainly eye-opening for her. She got to see the guy I had to deal with on an almost daily basis rather than 'fun grandpa'.
Life happens.
they are living their lives, you are living yours.
they get busy, you get busy.
Make a plan to take a bit of a vacation, your husband as well.
Either place MIL and FIL in an Assisted Living or Memory Care facility for a week or so or have caregivers come in and care for them while you are gone.
If your husband does not want to do this then make plans and go without him. But I think he needs to take a break as well.
By the way the In-laws pay for the caregivers or the week in the AL or MC.
It's also within your power to restore those relationships and to stop being live-in caregivers to your in-laws.
Look at some options. That they can be moved into care in the state you and your husband were living in before you relocated. Or they can be moved into care in their own state. Or they can get live-in caregivers (that they pay for) to take care of them. Homecare isn't always the best option when there isn't family nearby enough to check on them regularly though.
Go home. Go back to your family and your grandkids. Arrange for your in-laws to be placed together in a facility. They will be cared for by a professional staff. You and your husband can visit. THEIR grandkids (your kids) and even their great-grandkids (your grandkids) can visit them too.
This is for the best. Please look into relocating them. Just go ahead and do it. If they've got dementia, it's not their decision to make. For sure they will refuse and not accept that they are going to be moving out of their home. Do it anyway. They will adapt and will be better off in the long run.
Again, our children get their own lives. That's what we raise them to do. We are responsible to keep ourselves as healthy, as financially independent, as full up with friends and or hobbies in our own lives.
Just my opinion. There have been "times", a medical crisis or other, that I truly needed and appreciated my girl stepping up, stepping in for me. But I would not expect that to have to happen often; at least I would hope not. Being "close", to me, is loving, appreciating every second you have with your child, but having also your own life.
I am wondering if some of this is not about your children, but about caregiving for your parent's generation. Your inability to keep yourself busy with your own life may be because you are too busy with theirs.
I don't have a whole lot of suggestions to help you, but I sure do wish you luck.
Your in-laws are in theur 90s are they both suffering from Dementia. If so, they can no longer make informed decisions. I so hope that someone holds POA for them both. It is no longer what they want, its what they need. They need care that you can no longer give. Time to place them in LTC. Then u take ur life back.
Neither g-ma has shown the slightest interest in our kids or grandkids, and the kids and grands reciprocate by sending a Christmas card and that's the entire year's communication.
I do not blame them and I NEVER suggest they go visit. MIL cannot stand noise or people in her house (even family) and my mom has hoarded out her apartment to the point you cannot move, so any visit is spent standing up, and trying to make small kids 'stand at attention' is impossible.
Neither g-ma knows anyone's name and my MIL actually looked at one of my grands one day and VERY RUDELY asked "WHO are YOU?" Poor kid, she was stuck to my side like a barnacle for the next half hour.
My own kids had 2 loving, caring great grandmas who actually knew things about them and loved them and they KNEW it. What a blessing.
Makes our situation a little bitter for me.
You are not b**ching too much. Quite to the contrary. You live in a miserable situation away from your home, your kids, and your grandkids. You're pretty much enslaved to caregiving for people who you do not want to take care of.
My bags would have been packed and I would have left the husband to take care of HIS parents on his damn own.
Maybe your man needs a practical lesson in gratitude, appreciation and respect.
Pack your bag and head over to one of your daughter's homes for a while. Leave him to work out caregiving for his parents on his own. Then see how he tells you you're complaining too much.
"At least you have a roof over your head". You need to go for a while.
Yes, you need a roof over your head. We all do, but the one over your head doesn't have to be your in-laws.
You tell your SIL's and BIL that you are done living with and taking care of THEIR parents. Then go.
These other siblings would be the ones responsible for your MIL and FIL. Not you and your husband.
So, Bon Voyage. Walk away.
Go back to your state and to your family and let the other siblings deal with the care of your in-laws.
You've been sold a pig in a poke, my friend. Time to see that fact and do something about it.
It seemed not a completely daft thing to do until I read some of your replies and your profile. If your husband wants to volunteer for this suicide mission then perhaps you can't stop him, which would be sad; but you need to take yourself back to your home state, your family, and - ideally - a job.
Have you told any of your children honestly about what you're going through and how you feel?
Eric Clapton has a song that says “We made a vow we’d always be friends. How could we know that promises end?”.
You need to take some time off reconnect. Feel alive. Can you bring in help and have more breaks?Take a weekend away? Visit the grandkids?
Don’t forget to do things that make you feel better that don’t rely on participation from them.
I would never move my parents in with us because I don't feel like it is fair to my husband and I sure as hell don't want his family moving in with us. I would never want my child to take me in and strain her marriage and drain her physically and expect her to give up her life. I think it is selfish for someone to expect that.
It doesn't sound like moving in with his parents was something you wanted to do. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but at my house, we each get an equal say. If I were in your shoes, my vote would have been "hell no! I will help you move them and place them, but I am not giving up my time with my own children and grandchildren so that your parents aren't inconvenienced".
If your adult children are like most of America, they are busy working and maintaining their own home and their kids schooling and activities, etc. They are busy and they are tired. Jobs are not what they used to be. You don't get a job, trained and work there until retirement. Todays workforce is constantly changing, you have to keep yourself up to date with everything and you're competing with 24 yr olds with masters degrees that still live with their parents and were using a computer right out of the womb. It's not easy and its stressful. They also may think that you chose to move away. I wouldn't take it personally. What I would take personally is the fact that your husband thinks its okay to uproot you to become full time caregivers to his parents so that he can inherit a house. You know what is going to happen to his parents house? Your children are going to have to sell it to pay for the care of you and your husband.
You need to speak up. Have solutions in hand when you do. Investigate home health agencies, investigate assisted living facilities that have memory care on site so that his parents can be at the same place. Don't get emotional. Have information and facts. It will be harder for him to dismiss you if you come at him with rationale.
Just curious.....is your husband not close to your children and grandchildren? You didn't say whether he missed them. Were you both already retired when all of this happened? Does your husband have any siblings to share in the caregiving?
I never ever put pressure on them to visit and just deal with my own feelings by praying for them and regularly telling them that I love them.
We have had conversations about my caregiving and that they feel I need a life of my own and I agree but for now this is what it is. It's a season and one day it will be over.
As for the caregiving situation, when our disabled family member lived with us during covid (aps involved, the family member needed care and facility placement during covid was nearly impossible, and quite honestly frightening), the adult children were a bit miffed at the situation and the financial, physical, and emotional costs of taking in the family member. It did cause a strain on every relationship we had, until we were able to find suitable placement, because of the inappropriate speech and behavior exhibited by the family member.
If it is starting to affect your marriage and your relationship with your adult children and your grandchildren, perhaps it is time to re-think the arrangement. Your husband is probably lashing out because he feels equally overwhelmed and exhausted.
The two of you could always move out, and contact APS since the in-laws sound like they aren't capable of caring for themselves, despite their desire to stay in their home. Let APS take over their home and finances (which is what they will do if they deem them unable to perform self care). That elimates you and your husband, as well as his siblings, from bearing the responsibility of providing care as well as financial responsibility. Once their home and resources are liquidated and exhausted, a social worker will be able to place them in an assisted living that accepts medicaid.
It is a sad situation for you to be in. Fortunately you can get out of it easily by simply removing yourself from it.
If you want to leave and your spouse wants to stay, speak with your adult children about moving back to your home state and staying with them until you can get a job and save up for an apartment. They would probably love to help you.
If either of us were disabled we’d enter a local care residence.
We have discussed our choices with them for MANY years, and do not want this to be done any other way.
I don't understand; why does your husband put up with this? You have said that his parents have broken promises to him and treated him poorly in the past. Why on earth did he/you agree to this?
I am so sorry that I don't have any answers, only questions. Perhaps you should start planning your escape. Maybe you can move back to your home state, get an apartment or something. But you will probably have to give up a lot (any shared assets with husband, etc.) to gain your freedom.
Peace and Love to you Claudia
i gather it’s ok for kids to grow up and move to wherever but mom and dad and grandparents need to stay in the same place and be ready for visits ?
all right.
but sometimes moving for people is sometimes essential.
with the internet these days whats wrong with a quick and simple hello how are you from the kids or a response to your texts.
no long phone calls are needed but a text every so often might be nice for the kids to send.
"When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time."