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My usually sweet mom is giving the memory care caregivers trouble toileting and dressing. Mom is screaming, hitting, and stepping on toes during personal care. My mom is constantly saying OUCH during personal care, so they think she is in pain. However, my sister goes to memory care every night to give my mom medication and get her ready for bed. Since my sister makes the time to ask, suggest, cajole and sing during the nighttime routine, my mom never complains by yelling or saying OUCH.


Hospice wants to put her on tramadol but the issue is not pain but more the trouble with staff as they don’t have the time or training to deal with this behavior.


Is there some drug, other than Tramadol to help someone with advanced vascular dementia deal with the personal care she needs? This is a premier memory care facility costing upward of $13,000 a month.

Ativan .5 mg worked wonders for my mother. Your hospice nurse should be aware of calming meds to help mom, not pain meds. And sister is helping nobody here, btw.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Perhaps the trouble is that Mom only wants care from your sister.

How long is Mom in memory care ? If sis has been doing this all along perhaps Mom hasn’t accepted that she needs to allow staff to help her.

Sis should back away from doing the hands on care, let staff do the care , that’s why mom is there .

Sis should stop helping Mom so she gets used to the staff taking care of her . Sis doing the care may be confusing her.

You can attend care plan meetings to discuss give suggestions on how to have staff approach Moms care.
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Reply to waytomisery
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They certainly should have the training if they're working in a memory care facility, but as with most facilities despite the cost, they run pretty shorthanded, so I'm sure they are a bit more rushed.
Why is your mom not just in diapers at this point if she has fecal incontinence, so the aides don't have to force her on the toilet? I mean that is what the diapers are for right?
And while it's very sweet that your sister goes and takes the "time to ask, suggest, cajole, and sing" to your mom while she's there, that really is unrealistic for the overworked, under paid staff, don't ya think?
Perhaps giving your mom a bit of Lorazepam, before any said task from staff, might help her be bit more relaxed.
The hospice nurse should be able to answer any questions you have about medications for your mom.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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waytomisery Jun 29, 2024
Putting an incontinent patient on the toilet at times to give a good washing in the diaper area is very common , especially when it’s not a scheduled shower day .,

But if it’s causing distress , it can be done another way , as in bed .

I agree , the staff has to depend on using more practical methods rather than asking and cajoling . Normally we say “it’s time to get cleaned up “ .
The mom is, for lack of a better term , spoiled by being asked by the sister . Staff does not have the time to wait until the Mom decides .
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Tramadol should not be given to the elderly. It causes hallucinations. I agree she needs anxiety med notva pain killer.

The aides associated with the facility, their job is to care for the resident. If that means changing Depends, oh well. They should be well trained in caring for Dementia patients.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Maybe the sister's singing is calming for Mom. Would the aides be willing to give that a try?
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Reply to cover9339
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waytomisery Jun 29, 2024
If I sang to my patients they would have asked for earplugs.🤦‍♀️
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Wasn't a similar thread posted a while ago?
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JoAnn29 Aug 1, 2024
Post is from June. Someone recently responded to ur post.
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