My 84 year old father is on hospice and lives with me. I have done everything to modify my home to address his needs. He is very weak and on oxygen. Due to his weakness and previous falls, he has been told to ask for assistance to help with getting out of bed. He refuses and insists on doing it on his own. He refuses to have a portable commode in his room. What can I do? Stressed over worry he will fall again.
i have 2 suggestions. One) read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. It will not give you the magic to make him stay in bed but it may help you understand his actions. In fact, if you google him, there is an article that I read that contains his 5 questions. Two) if this is possible, sit down and talk to your father and ask him what is important to him and what he wants. Clearly having his daughter empty the commode bucket is not what he wants. Instead of telling him what is best for him and being aggravated and upset, it might help if he is allowed to talk about what he wants. It can’t hurt to try since you cannot do anything else.
after I read this book, I talked to my FIL about moving. He lived with MIL in same house for almost 70 years. They needed to do something. Get help in house or move. We had been telling him and he resisted. But when I asked him questions, it made a huge difference in his thinking. He did agree to move.
Good luck. Lean on hospice people for support for yourself too. It is very nice that you took him in but it is very stressful for you.
By asking for help, by using a walker, by using..(god forbid) a commode he probably feels like a weak, dying old man. And that is not what he wants to feel like. None of us want to feel weak and old. (And I bet he has always been a bit stubborn as well right?)
You have explained to him, Hospice has explained to him what he needs to do to make sure he is safe. Hate to say it but that is all you can do.
You can tell him how hurt you will be if something happens to him, how heart broken you will be but this is his choice. (sorta like when he told you not to do something when you were 16 and you did it anyway..sometimes going against him turned out alright, sometimes you got hurt, either physically or emotionally..that's life)
Your dad is dying..we all are he just knows that his time is much shorter.
Your dad has gone through a lot.
Your dad knows what will happen if he falls.
These are choices he is making.
You don't have to like them, approve of them or support them but you should support him.
Just tell him you love him. Let him know that you are there to help and support him.
By the way..if you are near him when he starts to fall do NOT try to stop the fall, guide him to the floor.
Do NOT try to pick him up yourself call 911 and ask for a "Lift assist". As long as there is no transport to the hospital there usually is no charge.
Best of luck...
We haven't received any followup comments from Razzleberry offering clarification, but maybe this comment wasn't intended as a criticism of the preceding comments (both of which were fine) but rather an expression of frustration or depression about the difficulty of finding a solution to an unfortunate situation. As I'm sure many others would agree, on this forum we deal with a lot of difficult issues, and we pool our thoughts, knowledge and experience hoping the OP can find at least some of the suggestions helpful.
In the time of coronavirus, you don't want to have to send him to hospital after he breaks whatever bone he breaks.
You have some great suggestions - try one and if that doesn't work try another. Rest in your mind and heart knowing you are doing your best - that is all we should epect from ourselves
Get thick mats to put next to the bed. When he tries to get out of bed and falls - which will happen - he will not injure himself. Also try to get his bed as low to the ground as possible. Make sure he can not fall and hit his head on a side table. There are devices that can be attached to the bed or person to let you know when they try to get up.
Well, he did fall while begrudgingly using his cane and this time he broke his left hip very badly. It was the most painful experience of his life, including his former Whipple surgery, quadruple by-pass, and others! He had a week in the hospital, three weeks in rehab, came home and has basically been in bed ever since. Instead of being able to use his few remaining months of life to do the things he would have wanted to do, he has been confined to his bed. After experiencing the broken hip he was happy to use the walker if he had the strength, but mostly he had to use a wheelchair. For a while, the commode was a lifesaver, but now he doesn't even have strength to get to it, so I have to clean him up in the bed.
Masculinity is apparently a very fragile thing. Many men equate having to use a cane or walker with a loss of masculinity, but they stand to lose far more by not using them.
Please share my experience with him, and ask him if this is really what he wants. But remember, sometimes part of the patient's illness is that he doesn't necessarily make good decisions. If that's the case here, then try to convince him, but that's about the best you can do.