Emotional blackmail - does that seem fair or right?
My dad had to go into a memory care facility last year. My mom is an alcoholic, was a mediocre caregiver, and was verbally abusive to him at times. I am an only child. Mom is alone and isolated in their home which is on my street. She does not have dementia. Her primary care doctor and I have attempted to get her help this year: 10-days in a senior mental health facility, followed up by regular visits with a psychiatrist, AA meetings nearby, and physical therapy. Well, she's quit them all and chooses to sit home in self pity. I am 51 and run a small business. My husband and I plan to celebrate a milestone anniversary and take a week away from home later this year. Mom said today "well I will think of killing myself when that happens", meaning...when I go away. I know she is struggling with things right now but does that seem fair or right? I take her every Sunday to visit my dad and I go at least one other time a week to visit him. I help her manage things around her house. It's not like I am absentee. She seems jealous of my relative youth (I am 51, she is 76) and always tells me how fabulous she was when she was in her 40s and 50s (I recall that she was miserable back in those days). She hates happiness, music, goodness. She is downright nasty and rude. Mostly I'm here to vent. I can't imagine another 10 or 20 years living with her. I try to keep it all in but it's starting to spill out and my husband is growing weary. I have no one to talk to about it.
It isn't that your mother's lonely that's unfair on you. It isn't even that she chooses to refuse help with her alcohol addiction (note, I'm carefully not saying that she chooses to drink - I'm not sure that is always exactly a choice, not after a lifetime). It's the sheer, infantile illogicality of "you're celebrating your anniversary and I can't come so I'm going to kill myself" that puts one so out of patience. I mean, really! Is there any way to get her to *listen* to herself?
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I am surprised to hear that my presence is that important to you.
I hope you don't, of course, because I love you. But you have a right to make decisions about your own life.
Mother, you are already killing yourself with the alcohol, just more slowly. I wish there was some way I could help you, but you have a right to make decisions about your own life.
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Have a wonderful anniversary vacation! And start taking less time with Mother and more time with Husband.
I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is when you are trying and trying to do the right thing but it feels like nothing is good enough with your mother. From everything you have said you have done your duty and responsibility. It's hard to have boundaries sometimes with our parents. I didn't have any and it just turned to anger and resentment in the long run.
I know its hard. But you have a right to protect yourself and your husband from verbal abuse. It's okay to have boundaries.
Take care. Thinking of you.
But, you have no control over the decisions she makes nor are you responsible for her feelings. Helping out? Sure. But is it your job to fix mom or make her happy? Nope.
Definitely keep your vacation plans, and when it gets closer to time to leave for the trip, you might say something like, "Mom, now remember, I will be gone next week, and my phone will be off, but I'll call after we get back."
If she starts the suicide talk again, pick up the phone and tell her if she's seriously depressed and thinking of killing herself you will call 911 so they can take her in right away and get some help. I'd be willing to bet she will dial down the drama if she sees you are serious, or, if she is truly depressed, maybe it will make her think of getting some help.
Al-Anon is a great support for family and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts, and you will find there are many who will understand what you are going through. And, always come and vent here anytime too. This site is a great help.
I had to let mthr simmer in her own stew without my participation in her misery. She had the choice of changing, but she derived her satisfaction from making other people unhappy. Thus, any shocking thing she did or said was best ignored. I also required that she treat me with the same respect she showed others. Sadly, she chose to walk away rather than show respect. I rescued her a few years ago and she's safely in a memory care now. The key is to realize you are not responsible for her happiness.
Since your mother was abusive to your dad, I don't understand why you bring her to him. It would be torture to me to have my abuser visit once a week. That's not a treat I would anticipate fondly. She needs help but that's not your responsibility.
Many of us here understand exactly what you're going through. Whatever you do, DON'T even consider living with her or taking her into your home as she ages. My experience tells be that her personality and her not wanting to help herself never ever changes. I'm so glad you found this site as I did 4 years ago. You can talk to the people here about it or just read the posts of others. My brother used to say that I go on the internet and read what strangers say, how stupid. Well, I found solace and comfort here and he had a much more difficult time handling things. I'll take my experienced strangers before I try downright stupid things!
And a big congratulations on your milestone anniversary. Pick a lovely place to celebrate and go enjoy yourselves!
Please look up Al-anon online and see where a meeting is near you. Al-anon is for anyone who has been affected by someone else’s drinking. It is not an organization to get them to stop drinking; it is an organization to help you recover from the effects of some else’s alcoholism and teaches you how to live sanely whether the alcholic stops drinking or not. Go to a meeting. Read about it online. Yes, there could be another 10 or 20 years of this, and she may never get sober, but Al-anon teaches you that your peace of mind does not depend on her sobriety or change in behavior.
Upstream, take your trip. Take care of Hubby first. If Mom keeps up the suicide talk, you can either shrug and say, “Oh, well...” or threaten to put her in respite care or hire someone to come to her house while you’re gone and she’ll be watched 24/7. I’ve come to realize I was wrong all those years ago to pussy--foot around my mom. But I was raised to respect my elders, you know?
You really can’t change toxic people like this. They are into self-destruction and will also destroy anyone else who gets in their way, even loved ones. God knows you’ve tried with your mother. Ratchet down to the basic level of care for Mom. You can’t cure her and she doesn’t want your help. She’s only “happy” when she’s unhappy, exactly like my mom was. My mom eventually wound up with dementia and in a facility. I do miss her, even after all that. But I realize who and what she was, and I still deal with it on a daily basis.