Why do elderly parents turn on the child that is trying so hard to take care of them?

To the original poster, there is something a parenting expert pointed out about teenagers, who were nice kids but turned ugly when the grew into teenagers: dependency resentment. And the parents have done SO MUCH to keep the teen safe and healthy and gadgeted. So they try harder or try a different approach.

Makes perfect sense a senior would have this reaction as well. I probably would myself. A teenager knows, however, that within a few years they are expected to fly the coop and be on their own. With a senior, they'd sense the only relief is death, with a few stops at hospitals and nursing homes.

Often it's because the roles are reversed. Some parents take it fairly well when their offspring say things such as "Now it's time for me to take care of you," or "I'll give you a hand until you get back on your feet" and gently place a kiss on their forehead. Other parents resort to crude, crass, and obscene language and behavior as a way to reassert their power and control. They might apologize and promise not to do it again; but eventually they do. Feeding into it only perpetuates the situation as the parent becomes more and more defensive. The ensuing battle of wills escalates, and caregivers might blurt out something like "I wish you'd hurry up and die so I can get on with my life." Rather than being a duke or duchess of discipline, try a mixture of collaborative owl and compromising fox. If that doesn't work, find a harmless solution that s/he can't refuse and mean it if only to remind them who's in charge. Good luck.

That's a good question, Carol. I don't have a clue, but wonder, just like you. Trouble is, mine's been ugly since my birth. And now that I'm her Caregiver, she is uglier still. It breaks my heart, but doesn't seem to change hers in the least, except to make it harder and more set in stone.

secret sister:

absolutely it is better to err on the side of caution! i can't speak for the millions of individual elderly out there. but i can say that i've dealt intimately with 4 very different cases. for the elderly parent who is clever and even manipulative, it is exasperating the rest of us trying to intervene for safety, health, etc.

my mom had a doctor that she adored because she could, she felt, charm him. the fact was, he didn't really care. he had little interest in my opinions. but was FAR more cautious when i started attending all appointments with her.

she now has a new doctor who is far more reasonable and cares enough to not fall for any manipulations. at this point she's too weary for it and has, somewhat learned her lesson given the former doctor over prescribed statins that nearly killed her and certainly increased her dementia.

all sorts of problems due to an aging, damaged brain can cause a person to do things that are unreasonable and unsafe.

however, the reasonable younger adults -the children/caregiver(s)- need to understand that denial is a huge part of dementia. the situation is frustrating for the elder who wants to continue with the same self control and independence they have, or believed themselves to have, always had.

i've had to serve as a continual advocate for my mom in every situation all the way. unreasonable, callous doctors, greedy financial advisors, opportunistic landlords, etc. i learned the hard way through my dad's behavior through alzheimers.

it's taken A LOT for my mom to be able to come to terms that she has to consider her safety. my father never got to that point.

her doctors know everything from me as well as her. i've gained her trust by limiting my criticisms. not easy. she gains my trust by listening to me. it's a whole new relationship. but it has taken years and lots of work and patience and constant attendance.

get the valuables in a safe deposit box. get them a senior i.d. and no more driving. don't engage in an argument.
it took years for me to finally get power of attorney and it has caused a lot of problems down the line that could have been solved earlier. if you aren't persistent despite the criticisms of bossiness, etc. then the situation will get totally out of control before you know it. try try try to not take the criticisms personally. remember that their judgement is poor. that includes their judgement of you when you are trying to do the right thing. just keep doing the right thing and get help every step of the way. best of everything to you. i empathize completely.

I think that they turn on us because we are the only ones left. They have alienated all the rest who have taken off for the hills!!!!!!!!

Yes, "stealing assests, and taking everything away," and charged with worse... However much we try to "help," makes us more the enemy as we capture the spoils and liquidate their assets "for their care," which we've imposed. It seems their perspective is so much different than our own. They lash out, as all they have ever known or worked for is divided, and given to another. Their health and all their worldly wealth and possessions slide off into the abyss. We hold the keys, their livelihood, and their possessions in our hands, trying to convince them that we are there to help. Oh, how terrifying it must seem to our vulnerable elders! To lose control of everything, and watch helplessly from the sidelines, as the ones whom they once cared for, and now plundering through pockets, drawers, closets, cupboards, garages and attics, and dividing up the goods. As everything is stripped away, we marvel at their angst and bitter complaints. How could they be so ungrateful for all we're trying to do to help them? Who will ease their mind and comfort them in their grief, as we drive away their vehicles and sell their home? Who will cry with them, and hold their hand, as friends and loved ones die or stay away? Who can understand what life is like in a tiny room shared by strangers, who've also lost their moorings and their all? And who will be their advocate, when they are forced to eat unfamiliar food, swallow medications doled out at scheduled times by harried nurses? Who will understand that they tire of Bingo and special activities, forced therapies and endless evaluations? Who will visit when they're lonely, and comfort them when afraid? How can we understand their embarrassment and their shame, as they are forced to undress and shower with the assistance of some "hired" Caregiver, or worse their own babies they helped to raise?

We "guiltily" take time out of our oh-so-busy schedules to bring cards, flowers, and balloons, or play idle games; then leave when we tire of their company. Where do they get to go when they tire of their surroundings, or the same ole TV shows? We assuage our consciouses by saying they have poor attitudes for no reason, and that we aren't to blame. How can they be so ungrateful? They're forced to dine with strangers, who may not enjoy them either, but share a common plight. Yes, it might pay to remember that this was not their choice. They didn't ask for failing health, or necessarily for our assistance, and sometimes cannot see the need. I wonder what it's like to have friends and family come, bringing photographs and memorabelia that remind them of all they've lost? Oh, I shuddder to think what that must feel like, and at the thought of my own hardness or insensitivity in unknowingly adding to my once-capable loved one's demise and distress.

Please forgive me, as I didn't come here to criticize anyone other than myself, and share what God has laid upon my sometimes cold and unfeeling heart. I justify my own behavior, and say it's for their good. How can it be good for those we say we love? What does it feel like to be at the complete mercy of others; slaves to health and mental conditions over which they have absolutely no control? What would it feel like to be stuck in a nasty hospital bed, in a tiny room, watching the world go by staring as they pass, and passing judgment should one happen to complain? Oh how humiliating it must be, and how heartless we can become. Better to cry and weep for those we love, than say we do, and just ignore the cry of their heart at the injustices they must face. Do we love our elders? How do we count the ways???

I stand accused, condemned, and without defense at times. And who am I to complain? For someday, I may be that lonely, helpless soul, just crying out for mercy and for grace. I may be the one scorned, despised, rejected or forgotten, and left alone to die. Who will take the time to understand? Who will lend a helping hand? Who will soothe my fears and dry my eyes, and hold me when I die?

Yucky, isn't it?

Anger is often a symptom of depression in the elderly. It is not you or anything you did that prompted this unless it is the fact that you represent what they can no longer be or do. The fact that you are there physically and they have no one else to direct their anger towards maybe another reason. It is hard not to take it personally especially when people have a history fo having a difficult relationship. Discuss the behavior with their physician. There are medications that can help even though sometimes there has to be a trial and error period until the right one is found and the right dosage determined. Since I do not believe in a magic pill there maybe other things that can be done, like presenting choices and options so they can choose and thus have some control(loss of control may contribute to depression), reminiscing about better days and their accomplishments so they feel they have had some value(point out fro them what their value has been),and focusing on what they still can do for themselves or to help (even if it is a samll thing).It takes a special person to be a patient and kind caregiver but this may require that you arrange for respite taking time for yourself weekly. Check with your area aging services to see if there are respite programs for caregivers.

i THINK YOUR MOM KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S DOING MINE DOES THE SAME THING UNTIL I CALLED HER BLUFF ABOUT THREE TIMES NOW SHE LIVES WITH ;ME BUT STAYS IN HER ROOM DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF US UNLESS i'M COOKING AND THAT IS FINE WITH ME. i TAKE HER SHOPPING AND TO HER DOC APPTS SHE WON'T TAKE ANYTHING EITHER AND BY THE WAY SHE IS NARCISSITIC GOOGLE THAT SEE IF IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR IF SO THERE ISN'T MUCH YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT EXCEPT CHANGE THE WAY YOU HANDLE THE SITUATIONS SHE TRIES TO PUT YOU IN BELIEVE ME YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. STOP FEELING GUILTY THATS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS YOU TO FEEL YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG SO DON'T FEEL GUILTY, YOUR SIBLINGS ARE LIKE MINE THO MINE KNOW BETTER THAN TO TURN AGAINST ME THEY WILL GET HER IN A NEW YORK MINUTE. MY BROTHER NEVER EVER CALLS WRITES SENDS CARDS NOTHING MY SISTER EMAILS ME SHE LIVES VERY FAR AWAY ALL i WANT IS HER EAR EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE. BUT i'VE LEARNED TO JUST CHALK IT UP TO EXPERIENCE AND GO ON MY MERRY WAY. I STILL WORK FULL TIME, I MENTOR A CHILD, I TEACH SUNDAY SCHOOL AND DO WHAT I WANT TO DO. MY MOTHER WANTS TO STAY IN HER ROOM WITH ALL HER BOXES WHICH IS NOT HEALTHY BUT SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY AND I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY AND THE STRENGTH TO WORK ON A LOST CAUSE, SHE LIVED HER LIFE THE WAY SHE WANTED, IF YOUR MOTHER HATES IT IN NC SO MUCH WHICH BY THE WAY I LIVED THERE FOR FIVE YEARS ITS A BEAUTIFUL STATE, I NOW LIVE IN GA. LOL SEND HER ASS BACK OR REALLY TELL YOUR BROTHER ITS HIS BALL OF WAX SEE IF HE CAN MELT IT. AS FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOTHER AND STEP FATHER, YOU DO IT OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF YOUR HEARTS, THE MORE YOU GIVE TO THOSE TYPE OF PEOPLE THE MORE THEY ARE GOING TO SUCK YOU DRY. GIVE IT UP BABYDOLL YOU'VE DONE ALL YOU CAN I CAN TELL HOW STRESSED YOU ARE AND IF YOU LET THIS GO ON AS IS SHE WILL OUTLIVE YOU BELEIVE ME. TAKE CARE OF YOU LET YOUR BROTHER DO SOMETHING FOR A CHANGE AND I WOULD BE ADAMANT ABOUT THAT SINCE HE HAS ALREADY CHOSEN HIS PATH. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU YOU REALLY ARE A GOOD PERSON DON'T LET ANYONE PULL YOU DOWN. GOD LOVES YOU

Dear Carol,

Change is always never easy, for anyone and change that comes with illness, is the hardest to cope with.
Life is like a wheel, when we were young, our parents were the ones to worry and to some extent restrict our activities, remember how we may have rebelled...
Well, the shoe is on the other foot now and we stand in their place and sometimes, it gets real frustrating, when you have only their best interest at heart (just as they had our best interest at heart, when they held the wheel).

My advice is this, even though things may get so very difficult, if we only can step back, for just a moment and look at them, as children, we will find the inner strength to handle any situation.

If your child were to give you a hard time, will you give up on them? I would not, because I love and care for them. It is the same with our parents, when they grow old.

When illness takes hold of them, they sometimes cannot be blamed for their actions and we have to look deep inside our own selves, to find the courage and the love, to cope, knowing very well, that we maybe yelled at, or blamed for... but we carry on, knowing that while we do the right thing by our parents, we will be fine and if we look to the Lord to give us the strength we need, He surely will bless us with the courage to face all things.

I have read so many of the situations, that appear on this site, from caregivers who just find themselves nearing the end of their tether and my hearts goes out to them, however, I still find myself asking the same question, what if the tables were turned and we were the ones with the problem and our parents were the ones having to cope with it.... would they be handling the situation, the same way, or will they cope, however they can, because you are their child..... I can only leave each one of you to answer it...
God bless.

You said it Annie. Sometimes I feel like there is not enough gratitude or respect for elders in our society. I wonder if part of the problems is that our socieity has created a system where it is not considered a normal part of family life to care for our elders.

I wonder what will happen when I am old, will I be someone who is "put up with"? I shudder to think that no matter what, being old is not respected.