Elderly parent being taken advantage of and not sure what to do?

Start with cancelling the credit cards. Put fraud alerts on their credit reports, order the complimentary copies once you get the acknowledgment that the fraud alert has been placed. I think you might be in for some more unpleasant surprises.

In helping your mother with the various bills, try to get them mailed to your address instead of hers, so at least you can keep track of them.

Initiate contact with the mortgage lender to see if the mortgage can be restructured to meet your mother's SS amounts.

There's more that could be done but your mother's attitude toward your brother would block those attempts.

But at least if you cancel all the credit cards (and any more you find when you get the fraud alert reports), you can stop some of the financial hemorrhaging.

Check with the county clerk to determine if wills have to be filed. If you can't find one, then any assets that might exist (and it doesn't sound as though there are any), would be handled in accordance with your state's rules for someone who dies intestate.

I hope someone will take over your mom's bills. Someone needs to cut the son off at the source.

Sometimes I wonder why we try to fix others' messes. Your mother seems to know what's going on. Your brother may well be addicted to video games, which can be pretty serious. It's classic enabling...and then the responsible members of the family get stuck with the mess. I wish I had better advice than "take a deep breath and wade in slowly and without anger or judgement", but that's probably the best course of action. Look into all the legalities, see if you can get your brother to agree to counselling (probably not, he has to want to help himself, and it doesn't sound like he's ready to do that), and try to understand why your mother is taking such a soft line with him. It's not all about the money, it's more about maintaining your mother's quality of life going forward. Conflict and legal action can be enormously stressful, and you have to take that into consideration as well.

Power of attorney to one of the responsible children or a joint between several. This would take the decisions off her and so she shouldn't feel responsible if the squatter son is cut off and ousted by his siblings.
My Mamma was abused and robbed by heroin addicted grandaughter and her boyfriend and friends squatting in her house right up to her stroke in late September 2015. She finally agreed to help from my son by asking him to be her financial power of attorney so he could make the decisions for her. Sadly she had a stroke a few days after she signed the papers. Seems the granddaughter had locked her in the garage for hours ignoring her cries for help. She told me this over the phone before the stroke. Told my son when he came to visit her day before her stroke. Adult protective services were no help whatsoever for months and months. And since she can't speak following stroke we cannot press charges against the granddaughter. It is only hearsay.
So warn your Mom of this terrible scenario. Try to convince her to let two or more siblings acts as her financial and medical power of attorney. State laws will not let any money be taken from her except in her care and maintenance of her property.

LorrieB is right. Just because what your brother is doing is morally wrong doesn't mean it's illegal. It's like a parent choosing to not discipline a child. If this has been going on forever, its her money and her choice. You didn't say your mom has dementia. If she allows this behavior there's nothing you can do. Unless you have POA, you have no legal authority to cancel credit cards. Unfortunately, your mother will have to reap what she sows, and so will your brother once your mom passes. The same thing happened in our family. One family member bled our mom dry his entire life. Now, she needs care and has no money. It was her choice to give him everything she had, and now he has left the rest of the family to figure out how to pay for her care. I'm sorry this is not the answer you wanted, but it's reality. If your father had a will, it should be recorded at the courthouse. Good luck with everything.

You need to call Adult Protective Services. Don't assume what they will or will not do. It's your legal obligation to report this matter to them. Then IF they do nothing, you can at least say you did what you were supposed to do but sitting around pondering whether they will or will not do anything is negligent.

If you need someone to manage the day to day bills for your mother, the people who do this professionally are called "daily money managers." They have a professional association where you can search for one by location.

same thing here with hub's aunt and uncle; she called me practically crying yesterday; somehow(?) her/them? grandson got another car - I made the mistake of saying "new"; well, no, of course, not "brand new", but new to him, duh, but that was her way of wiggling out of it, but what happened? somehow, for some reason? he got stopped - well, duh, what happened with the last one and the one before, and so on and on...had an old warrant that we knew about, so why did nobody else, just got out of jail in October, wondered then why they didn't just keep him, but they didn't care then, but taken back now, "new" car impounded, not sure if wouldn't let him out on bail or she would have done it, but sees the judge this morning at 10, see what happens, just waiting to see if hear from her but one concern, her phones all seem to be going out, just wonder if she even has one to call about anything

My Mother is 91 years old, she will be 92 this August (2016). My dad passed away in 2009. So, she lives alone in a 3 family house, which my Parents have owned since 1968, and it needs a lot of repairs. My Dad and my Brother, never fixed anything, and just let it all fall apart. She moved from the bigger apartment, to one of the smaller ones, and she rents out the smallest one to one man who never pays his rent on time. The bigger one is empty, because it needs repairs. The one tenant who pays his rent late all the time, uses the back yard, the garage, and the driveway, and he fills it all up with all of his junk. My Mother will not let me say or do anything about it, she only wants my brother to handle it, and he does nothing. My Mother has just 2 kids, I am the eldest, the only girl, age 64. I am married, my husband is 67 yrs. old. My brother is 62, and he is divorced and remarried. My Mother paid for his entire first wedding, and she bought all of the clothes for his 2 sons. My Brother has a college degree, and a very good job, and makes a ton of money. But, he has had trouble in the past, making big mistakes with his money, buying and then selling homes, and taking out loans to remodel the houses. He got into huge debt, so at one point, he and his first wife, and the 2 kids had to move into my Mother's house, in one of the apartments. They did not have to pay rent, plus my Parents who make far less money than my brother, had to pay a lot of his past due bills, and debts for him. My Mother has always let my Brother get away with everything. On the other hand, I got married at age 21, and moved out. My Mother did not approve. I have never asked my Parents for any money, not one penny, I never asked for help of any kind. My husband and I live 30 miles away. My brother lives 1/2 mile away, 5 minutes from my Mother's house. He was the one who wanted her to keep her 3 family house in the City, a city with a high crime rate. Recently, a stranger broke into her house, wanting to rob it, my Mother was all alone, and talked him into leaving. Saying that her son was on his way to her house. The man left, but it is possible that my Mother could have been seriously hurt or murdered. She told me about it, a few days after it happened, and she said she refused to call the police because she didn't want them in her house, and she didn't feel like answering their questions. At that point, I thought she was not thinking right at all, but she does not have Dementia of any kind. My brother has POA, and he is supposed to be helping out, by checking on our Mother often, and taking her food shopping. But, weeks can go by, and he will not call her. If she needs food, or has run out of food, she will not call him, she says she does not want to bother him. After all, he has a big important job, and he is always very busy on the weekends. My brother wants my Mother's house. He also told me his plans, when my Dad was very sick. He said to me, do you realize that we will have this house, and I will fix it up, and we will get a lot of money in rent. I should mention, that after he got out of debt, he and his second wife, bought a house near my Mother, and they now own 2 houses in Florida. I cannot say anything about my Brother, my Mother always defends him. She says he is very nervous, and takes 3 meds for high blood pressure. On the other hand, she never asks how I am feeling, I have a heart problem and I take meds to control my heart rate. Long story short, it seems that Parents have a favorite child who can do no wrong, the other kids get left out. I don't have any answers. I have never spoken up to my Mother, that is the way we were brought up, we were not allowed to disagree with our Parents. But at this stage of their lives, when we don't speak up and get some type of control, and common sense, then it puts our Parents in a dangerous situation. I have not been able to get my Mother to do anything that would help her. She is blind in one eye, going deaf, gets dizzy and almost falls over, she can't take showers anymore (it's too dangerous), but she refuses to use a walker, or get hearing aids, and will not get an alert system. Needless to say, I worry about her every minute of the day. I don't know what will happen next.

In addition to all of these very good suggestions, you may very well want to go for guardianship and take over everything for your mom. However, I must ask you:

Why was this problem never addressed before now?

I feel bad for both of your parents being taken advantage of according to the situation described here. This is why it's time someone step up and gain guardianship to stop the ongoing problem that would never otherwise stop. If you can get guardianship, you'll have all power over not just finances, but also medical records and all other legal documents and such. If the bank account was a joint bank account with this brother's name on it, guardianship will actually give you the power to go to the bank and take over that account but you must ask the bank how to go about this by finding out what you must do to achieve this. It may be much easier to go through the court and be appointed guardian by the court who can help you through the process. Unless you're an attorney yourself, you're going to need one!

After obtaining guardianship, definitely kickthe deadbeat to the curb along with all of his stuff. Next, change the locks and make sure he doesn't get back in. Get a restraining order on him after kicking him out and keep him away from your mom and the rest of you. Taking the steps will force him to move on and maybe even get a job! It sounds like your parents have been enabling him far too long now. As suggested here, definitely check for a well from your dad. If this deadbeat as mentioned, you may want to contest the well through your lawyer (unless you happen to be a lawyer yourself). You may be able to overturn the well if your dad was incompetent when he did that well. All you have to do is mention "mental decline" which will definitely get some attention. I really like the idea about canceling all credit cards. When taking over your mom's finances, set up online bill pay so her bills can come out automatically, but set them up from your end and let no one have access to that bank account. In other words, don't give no one any banking information! If anyone you collaborate with pushes the issue, hang up or walk out. The idea is to keep anyone else from financially draining your mom dry. At first I assumed she was ranting, but now I see she pays a mortgage. I like the idea of seeing if you can restructure the mortgage, but if this can't happen for whatever reason, you can move her out of the house and leave him behind for the sheriff to evict 😂 that way, she won't need to worry about being homeless just for being broke because of that deadbeat who won't contribute to the household. I'm actually very shocked this has gone on for so long because it should've been stopped long ago. Someone becomes a senior when they reach a certain age, and I think someone should have stepped in long ago and intervened to stop the problem. I would be very interested to know why this was never done. I mean, think of all the money that was lost to this deadbeat over the years and you'd definitely be shocked. You know, if you were to take this deadbeat to court and they found out he wasn't working all along, they could court order him to get a job and start repaying everything he wrongfully took, because they the court can garnish his wages and even lien his bank account and even his car (or other assets) if they choose. On top of that, they can fine him heavily for elder abuse because what you're describing is a form of elder abuse. You may want to check to see if he may have been getting some form of federal benefits. If so, you may want to call the Social Security office and report him for fraud if Hannah took any benefits he wasn't entitled to. You can have any benefits stop just by reporting to the Social Security office and the human services. If he is getting any form of benefits and not using them for the intended purpose of self support, it's definitely a huge red flag right there, and it should be stopped. If someone gets benefits and leeches off of someone else, that's fraud. It's one thing for you to be pulling your own weight and someone periodically helps you along, but it's another thing to take advantage of someone's generosity, (especially at your parents' age). this is definitely a form of fraud against your mom, which is why I strongly suggested guardianship, it gives you power and authority over all aspects of that person's life. It also gives you power and authority and complete control over their finances and other aspects, you may as well say all aspects of their life. You can even make medical decisions for them as well as other major decisions. I strongly recommend getting a lawyer and going for court ordered guardianship ASAP

Unfortunately this happens to the elderly a lot and it usually is a family member who takes advantage of them. You should try to get a POA. It may not be easy if your mother does not agree. However, you can also put a freeze on her credit by contacting the three credit agencies. A credit freeze can protect her against anyone opening up future accounts in her name. You can also put a fraud alert on her credit. Even though this may not have been fraud if she allowed her son to open up credit accounts or use her credit. At least the fraud alert will prevent any future transactions on her credit accounts.

I think the most cogent thing that has been said here is that this mess is either currently your mother's choice AND the consequence of your mother's and father's choices over a long period of time. It is not your legal or moral responsibility to rescue her from those choices. I understand that you love her and want to help and protect her but I don't think that's possible unless and until SHE wants you to do so. She and your father enabled your brother and I strongly caution you against enabling her to continue to do so. She will, you know. This is a pathology that is way too late to address. Your Mom is not about to give make you POA and EVEN IF SHE DID she would continue to be legally able to act for herself and could either undo everything you tried to do and/or let your brother continue to act as he has/does. I caution you: I think many of the assertions here about what the law will do are totally unrealistic but if you persist in wanting to take over Mom's financial affairs DO talk to a lawyer WHO SPECIALIZES IN ELDER ABUSE -- to learn what you might be able to do AND AT WHAT COST. Insist he or she be specific and detailed about what could happen. Not only cost in dollars -- for example, seeking guardianship could cost upwards of $10K or more depending on your state and the legal fees charged -- but substantial costs to you and your husband and siblings in time and energy, all of which will be stressful and very difficult emotionally. And, UNLESS A PHYSICIAN WILL CERTIFY THAT YOUR MOTHER HAS DEMENTIA no court is going to find her incompetent and award guardianship to you or anybody else. You and I and every other reader here, plus the judge!, may think your mother is not making good decisions for herself but that is different than proving that she is intellectually UNABLE to make good decisions. As long as she does not have dementia she is legally entitled to do — and continue to do — what she wants with her life and her money. And what she wants is to enable and indulge your brother.

PLEASE do not make yourself/yourselves responsible for their debts! It's all well and good to cancel credit cards and have bills come to your address — which you have no legal authority to do without POA or guardianship — but what are you going to pay them with? YOU HAVE NO LEGAL OR MORAL OBLIGATION TO PAY MOM'S BILLS - DON'T DO IT! The credit card companies can take care of themselves, I assure you.

The creditors will take what they have to take in order to satisfy debt and "losing the house" may be the only way you are going to get your mother out of it. I know that sounds harsh but persuading her to sell — especially when she knows none of the rest of you will take care of the son that she's been taking care of — will be impossible. If there is anything left after their debts are settled — which may be unlikely — it will be your mother's property and she is entitled to do with it as she chooses, however bad a choice that may be.

This is a particularly difficult time for you and your siblings because of the recent loss of your father. Making major — and life changing — decisions is never a good idea at such a time. And trying to change your mother's behaviors of a life time would definitely be life changing! I strongly suggest letting your Mom and brother figure this out between them. I hate for her, at her age and after losing her husband, that she will have these difficulties and anxieties, but I don't think at this late date that you can insulate her from the consequences of her choices. I know you are angry with your brother but he did not live as he has lived without your mother wanting it also. You've made it clear to her that she will not be homeless, that she can make her home with one of you. That is very likely all you can do and she is very lucky that she has you and your other siblings as a "safety net"; don't let the problem brother become a part of that package! And I hope you stay in touch with us!

As you might already know, your mother is ENABLING your brother /her son. Your brother is an addict in a variety of ways. And he certainly has no shame. It sounds like this is a lifestyle she has had with your brother for a long time. Curious, where in the family order is your brother? I would certainly not recommend taking him in. His problems should not become your problems. When Mom passes away he will sink, swim and find his own rock bottom. He does not sound like he has ever had to "save" himself , but he will have to someday.
It will be very difficult for you to change your Mom at this point but you and your siblings should discuss your options. Someone taking control of her finances, cancelling credit cards and informing the credit card companies of the situation should be done. If the cards are in your Dad's name only you should discuss with the card companies your Mom's personal financial liability. She should not have to lose her house over cards that were taken out by her husband, especially if you can show he was diagnosed with dementia. If you do not have a full two years back of the charges I would get them for your records. Are any of the cards "fraudulent" in the sense that your brother opened them with Dad ? You might have to deal with having your brother arrested for these scams...and suffer the pain of it. You guys , as a family, will have to make decisions for Mom that involve other decisions you might not like.....your story is common.Stay in touch and stay strong.

First, please disregard those comments wondering what was done before this situation reached a crisis level. These comments are of no value and reflect an astonishing lack of compassion. Next, go to this link: http://www.ncea.aoa.gov/
to see what you can do to report this information to those who may be able intervene. It does appear to me that the situation you describe meets the criteria for elder financial abuse, which has a legal definition and may require a criminal investigation by local police and the protective services unit of your area agency on aging. It's obvious form your description that your mother will not be happy with this "help", but if she is mentally incapable of understanding the consequences of her decisions, you will be doing the right thing.
May God bless.

Tell this bum to get off his @#$ and get a job, or you will cut him off for good. That means no phone calls, no money, no food, you get the picture, don't you?

I want to add a comment or two with respect to mental capacity and aging. Although it is true that most people with dementia are older it is NOT true that most old people have dementia! Please don't assume that this mother is cognitively incapable of making decisions which are — by the way — exactly the same decisions she's been making for a very long time. The writer didn't in any way suggest that Mom has dementia and I think s/he would have done so, especially since s/he offered that the doctor had suggested "early stages" of dementia in Dad.

Although most of us who follow this site are aware that every person with dementia is unique in symptoms, I think "early stages" would probably not account for being more susceptible to fraud. I think many readers have not focused on the fact that if a 40-something son has NEVER worked and Mom has ALWAYS defended him, with parents in their 80s and 90s this has been going on for 20-25 years! To assume that the reason the son has mis-used his parents' credit/assets now is because she/they are OLD — much less demented — ignores that this man has lived this way for all of his adult life. And I assure you, a situation that you and I see as pathological met some need on the part of Mom and Dad as well or they wouldn't have allowed it! All three parties made the same choice so let's not lay it all on the son. Much easier for the writer to do, I understand, but I hope respondents can be more objective.

It may not have been compassionate to suggest that the other children should have "done something about this" years ago. Such a suggestion also ignores reality: it was not their right to do so! Dad and Mom had a right to handle their finances, including supporting this son, as they wanted. Whether it's their right to do so now remains to be seen, but I think it's going to be an uphill battle to convince a judge, the police or APS that Mom continuing to do something that she's done for decades is evidence of legal incapacity. To be unwise or unfair or to show favoritism or even fail to protect one's own best interest — as others see that — isn't incompetency. It may be "crazy", folks, but it's not necessarily legally "demented".

Before one accuses another person of "fraud" or attempts to freeze another person's credit (which, quite frankly, should be VERY difficult if not impossible to do - think about it!!!) one really needs to get competent legal advice from someone who specializes in elder law — and I don't mean estates and trusts! I mean an attorney who holds himself or herself out as an expert in elder abuse. And if s/he does NOT tell you that this will not be an easy battle, go get a second opinion. You might also talk to a social worker (at APS, perhaps) because in addition to Mom's finances you might also benefit from some suggestions on how to best help her through the emotional stresses that are to come. Angels watch over you!

Have you told your mother, in no uncertain terms, that if she does not do something about the credit cards and $40K in credit card debt, she is going to lose her home? I think at this point, you can't worry about hurting her feelings or making her feel bad---you have to take a stern approach and be brutally honest with her. Maybe you can "scare" her into ceasing the enabling behavior with your brother.

I know it must be very difficult to try to talk to her when she defends your brother and thinks that there is nothing wrong. As I said above, now is the time to tell her the cold, hard truth: that she owes $40K because your brother opened up credit cards in your father's and her name and bought video games with the cards. He didn't buy food or to fix up the house or to take care of her in any way---HE BOUGHT $40,000 WORTH OF VIDEO GAMES. The only way you're going to be able to get her out of this mess is to go forward with legal action against your brother to excuse your mother from the debt. Perhaps you need to talk to your brother instead: Let him know that you will be retaining an attorney, and commencing an investigation into the credit cards and all of the purchases made with the cards. Let him know that if it turns out that he opened the credit cards under your father or mother's name and made all of the purchases on them, that you will turn him into the police for grand larceny and identity theft, as well as to the credit card companies for fraud. At this point, I wouldn't even worry about your mother defending him. It will be very clear to the police that your mother did not purchase $40K in video games, nor that she opened several credit cards to purchase them with. You let your brother know, very sternly, that you will not let him financially destroy your mother and that you will take care of this matter, no matter what it takes or how long it takes. Let him know that it would be very easy for you to prove that he opened up a credit card in your father's name and charged $1,000 worth of video games on it while he was in the hospital---usually people that are dying don't open up credit card accounts and play video games.

You have to convince your mother that she needs to make you POA, as well as the primary recipient of her assets in her will. A new will should be drawn up ASAP, without your brother's knowledge. You need to take control of the bills and the money that you mother is receiving. Take her to the bank and have her add your name to her bank accounts. This way, if your brother tries anything sneaky, you will be notified about it. And, put fraud alerts on all her accounts.

As others have suggested, you can get guardianship one your mother's affairs, but that won't happen immediately. You have to convince her to let you take control of her financial affairs---receive the bills, pay the bills, be in control of the bank account(s). She may not understand the severity of the situation as it stands right now. Sometimes elderly people need to be scared in order to do anything, especially when it comes to finances. She may not know exactly how much your brother spent and how much debt there is because of him. Sit her down and go through everything, dollar for dollar, with her. When she starts seeing the debits that she can't pay for, maybe she will open her eyes.

I don't envy you. Maybe you should call the police and report your brother for drug possession. That might shake him up a little.

I hope the mom does not allow the son to be the guardian.

Elder abuse includes financial manipulation even if the elder has consented. Contact APS now, as well as an elder law attorrney. POAs are not all they're cracked up to be & you're mother can override them. Mine did, and gave POA to my financially manipulative brother. We're still working out all of the legal aspects of our situation as well, but this is not a subject to be left to amateurs. Your brother should have been arrested years ago.

I think the last sentence of tooyoungforthis is really the only thing that can be done and even then it would have to be proven; we're just wondering how hub's aunt and uncle's grandson has gotten wound up back in jail, but son was just here and learned about and did the thumbs up, needed to be done the way he was doing.
I'm wondering about the house situation; does she still have a mortgage or is everybody thinking she's going to lose it over this $40K in credit card debts; that doesn't have to happen, especially possibly now with dad, and his income, gone. Does mom have any income? she says dad's was main, then mom has no, except possibly this rent? that's hardly ever paid? but assuming dad did get Social Security so mom should be able to get her widow's portion of that, so if there is a mortgage, would think it should be able to be renegotiated, which actually has made me think maybe a friend of mine should have done that for her mother, except I think she really wanted her out of her house; is that possibly really what's wanted here? but if Social Security is the only income it can't be attached for the credit card debt, although I suppose they could put a lien on the house, which is why wondering if there's a mortgage, but even if they do they probably, and not sure they could, wouldn't force an actual sale, so mom probably isn't in any real danger of actually losing her home. But point is I really doubt that sitting her down to see the debts would really actually open her eyes, if she's never dealt with it, she probably has no clue other than she's just not going to have anything done with brother. Just really saw that side with hub's aunt with her grandson over him being back in jail. Yes, she may be scared; aunt does, too, but doesn't/can't? translate into actually doing anything; they can't comprehend it or they're more scared of what would happen if they did because actually that's what they understand what could be the severity of - has anybody given any thought as to what brother might do if many of these suggestions were to actually be implemented? Which is why I think it's going to be very difficult, if not impossible to convince her to allow daughter to take control; she wants brother/son to be taken care of.

If she didn't immediately upon dad passing away take daughter to the bank and have her added to her bank accounts then she's probably not going to be able to take her - and if she were to and it looked suspicious to the bank then she could end up getting in trouble herself.
And as far as the credit cards, without the POA, there's nothing she can do about it, even if she can prove it; if mom won't do anything there's nothing anybody else can do, unless mom is deemed incompetent, which is very difficult; been there with mom and dad's grandson and hub's aunt and uncle's as well.

But I think we all need to find out more about this mom losing her home thing

I don't see the son getting guardianship, he could easily get caught for elder fraud. When you have guardianship, I've heard that you're only allowed to spend the ward's money on the ward. From what I understand, there must also be a periodic check up to make sure the ward is being probably cared for and the money is being used correctly. One inconsistency that points back to fraud can actually land the guardian in trouble if it's discovered the guardian abused their powers. There are likely very hefty fines for taking advantage of someone over whom you have custody. This is why I just can't see the son getting guardianship, he's a high-risk most likely to get caught and get in very serious trouble because something like games or a console would definitely raise some eyebrows. I think the guardian will most likely need to be someone else in the family who is more trustworthy and willing to handle the guardianship task. If none of the other family members can do the task, then it would need to be turned over to the state and the person would have to be admitted to a nursing home (if necessary).

Guardianship

Guardianship comes with very serious responsibilities that can't be taken lightly. For instance, receipts and other financial records should be saved to prove where the money was spent, because the money is really supposed to be spent on basic necessities. I'm sure the courts have their ways of investigating to make sure the receipts are actually valid by making sure they're the right ones. All they have to do is pull up necessary records, and these days since most people have gone digital and do online banking, tracking financial transactions is easy, even if money is withdrawn from the ATM or inside the bank. The bank keeps records of all of that.

Representative payee

Another alternative to total guardianship would have to be a representative payee. A representative payee gives the ward more freedom, but they only control the finances. I used to have one long ago when I was first transitioning into the community for the first time since being a ward of the state after my rescue from my severely abusive parents. I was slowly transitioning to independent living and my payee had to give me a $50 allowance each month. With the cost-of-living increase over the years, it may be more now, (I wouldn't be a bit surprised). There are still other people with a representative payee that controls the finances if the person can't control their own spending. Overspending can actually render people homeless, which is where representative payee's and even guardians come in handy.

You may explore your options to see which one may be right for the situation fitting the requirements where authority is needed. Is finding someone trustworthy, (especially these days). With crime on the increase, it may be that many elders won't trust anyone with their money. Actually, I'm sure there are other people from different age groups who also feel likewise, and I don't blame them because I wouldn't want to be taken advantage of either. Even professional caregivers can abuse their power. I saw a show called, "what would you do" regarding a professional caregiver taking advantage of an Alzheimer's patient. She was using his money to pay for her salon treatment and her drinks. This was a scenario that was staged by the show called "what would you do"? This was a social experiment to see if anyone would step in and help in such a situation. I think the show exists to raise awareness on the various problems in our society.

Wait a minute! Someone mentioned $40,000 worth of video games? Really? This is a huge red flag the elders have clearly been taken advantage of, and I strongly agree that he should be arrested for sure. What you can do now is pressing charges immediately by first making a police report and telling the responding officer you need to press charges. If they arrest the son, here's my next suggestion:

If you have the bank records and all of the receipts proving where that $40,000 went, what I would do next after collecting all of those receipts and bank records is to seize all of those games as well as the console and accessories that may have come with those consoles. I would then take them somewhere he can't find them, and if any of those games were bought locally, I would definitely take the receipts and return all those games for a refund as long as it's within a proper time span to do so. Check the dates on all of the receipts, and if it looks like any of them can be returned soon, do so along with any equipment, And tell the shop keepers what's going on and show them proof because this will help them sympathize with you and actually help as much as they can. *The more of these games that were recently bought, the more likely things will turn out in your favor. *If it turns out he's not arrested or is immediately released, you can trick him into going somewhere and seize all the games and equipment when he's gone. *Another smart move you can consider is turning all of this stuff over to police for investigation, but make sure you get it back so you can get all of your mom's money back to her. If you can, opt instead for submitting very good legible pictures of all of the games and equipment. You can even do a video inventory after gathering everything into one place (if it's not already in one place). You can then take pictures and a video inventory to show police. If they come to the house, they may also want to see the evidence in person. Try to be as cooperative as possible, this will help strengthen your case. Officers will probably want to speak with the son, along with all other involved parties. Don't take no for an answer, press charges and use the legal system to your advantage. *Another thing you can do if he gets arrested is change the locks so he can't get back in. Throw all of his stuff to the curb (except for what he wrongfully got on your mom's money, stuff you know you can liquidate to regain as much of her money as possible). The son may get mad, but don't worry about that, just focus on your mom, her finances and well-being. *As for the mortgage, definitely go speak to the institution who granted the loan and explain the situation of elder abuse. Bring up elder abuse and the bank will be more willing to work with you on fixing this problem. See if you can restructure the mortgage so that she doesn't lose any more money than she already has, I would hate to see her lose her home (especially at her age). I mean, consider all the money she paid toward the purchase of that house. You really don't want to see her lose it all along with all of the money she paid, this will only worsen matters even more. If you can, see if if your dad is still on the mortgage. If so, you may want to present a copy of his death certificate so he can be removed from that mortgage. If a second name is still required, see if you can add your name to give you some leverage over the house. This would give you some say if you're willing and able to help with a mortgage. If you can have your name added to the mortgage, it would be very advantageous if you can do it. If not, you can see who else in your family might be in a better position if you're not able to do it. You already know the bank has a lien on the house, and you don't want them to have to foreclose. This is why you really want to work with them. *Explain to them that the son has been secretly stealing money from your mom, and this is what got her into this mess because she didn't know her son was secretly stealing from her. This is what you want to tell explain to the bank since they will be more likely to want to work with you to resolve the issue. I'm sure they understand about elder abuse, *use those keywords in your conversation. If you can take financial records proving your claim of elder abuse, do so.

Another smart move is to immediately call the APS and show them copies of those financial records. Get pictures of everything this man secretly bought on mom's money, and add it all to the report. Definitely get this leech out of her house! I also agree with adding your name on your mom's bank account. If the son is already on her account, have him immediately removed! Show the banker proof of all receipts, or better yet have them pull up all of her financial records, especially if she happens to swipe the plastic or if someone else happened to use her card. Definitely go over all bank records with your banker and dispute all of the charges you didn't

Definitely go over all bank records with your banker and dispute all of the charges you didn't know about as far back as you're allowed to go. The bank will probably be able to help her get all of her money back or at least some of it. What she was not able to regain, the legal system can help with the rest. Banks are very serious on fraud (but they can't catch everything I know all too well when I was hit with fraud). This is why sometimes it's necessary to visit "brick and mortar" to report some types of incidents such as you're describing.

* It should be very easy for a banker to believe you and realize what's really going on, (especially if they happen to know you). If the bankers know you as a person and not just another customer, it will be easier for them to know you're in trouble. All you have to do is speak up like I did when I was hit with fraud. My mistake was I got in the something online that I thought was one thing according to how it was advertised, Only for those shady companies to steal money from my account, sending me into the negative, stealing money that wasn't even there. I was able to get most of my money back, but not all of it. It was a lesson learned not to fall for just anything on the web. Anyone can get caught up in scams, which is why I now try to avoid as many of the ads as absolutely possible. If something turns out to be an ad, I get off at page.

if you don't have POA there probably isn't much you can do except try to convince your mother that things needs to change. And heaven forbid if something happens to her that she needs to go into rehab or nursing facility....guess what.......brother is going to be sitting in the street cause if she has nothing, they might (might) be able to have the house sold to pay for her stay wherever she is.......so this is definitely a mess.......and good luck. And as far as having mail sent to your house, unless POA I don't know if any business would do that.......

You must have your mother seen by a doctor and declared mentally unfit. It's hard but necessary and then have a POA between two responsible sibilings (jointly). When we finally got my mother declared incompetent (and it took six months to get her to a doctor) we found out my brother had emptied her savings of $26,000.00 leaving her with .76 cents left. Our lawyer has advised us that we can sue our brother for the "loans" she made to him over the space of 2 years. Fortunately she wrote down everything she lent him and what he paid back. And he also freeloaded off her for 2.5 years living rent free after his divorce. He was 60 and she 87 at the time. Clearly this was elder abuse and often older people are too ashamed by being played to mention it.

A lot of good advice here. Just a couple of thoughts to add. Everyone is entitled to a free copy of their credit report every year from annualcreditreport website Start there.

Your mom may feel a sense of security, as she's getting older, knowing your brother's not going anywhere. She may want to keep things as they are, and therefore allow him to use her assets as "payment." In theory, he, too could have gotten a job, gotten married and moved out and now mom would either be alone, or she would be forced to leave her home.

I'm not defending your bother. He sounds like a mooch, just like the sister I'm not speaking to. But before you do anything, think about the value his presence adds and what things would look like if that were to be taken away. Does he treat your mother well? Does he help around the house? It certainly sounds like no one has to worry that she'll fall and not be found for days. At her age, that's a very real consideration.

I have a brother also that my mom has always defended. I am the responsible one. He has lived at her house for about 15 years, rent free, everything free.
Whenever I would try to bring something up, she would get upset and defend
my brother. I have POA, and everything else. He still stays in the house, she is now in a nursing home. When she moved into a nursing home I made him pay the electric and the water bill. He disconnected everthing else. He does not want to work and hasn't worked this whole time. He now receives SSN and lives off that. At least he is finally doing some work around the house, but not sure
what will happen once my mom passes away. It will be hard to kick him out of there. We shall see. I still can't figure out why a parent will baby one of the siblings who is always messing up and not making any effort. It's very upsetting. I just wish I knew why. If I try and ask her, she pretends to not know what I am talking about. Geezz! She is now 88 years old.

I have empathy for your situation. Your mother has allowed her son to take advantage of a life of leisure for so long he will not change. Good luck with the case of elder abuse due to his stealing your parents credit. There are so many longs responses here and great advice. Does your mom want help with this or is she happy to have him living there? She may favor him because she feels he never left her and she is okay with his actions. Sorry for the loss of your dad.

wolflover451 and Fedupgiveup really have some very good points.

wolflover451 sparked some ideas. What you can do is actually put your mom temporarily into some kind of facility just to see how she likes it. Some of that money will be used for her stay. Another smart move is to put her up in a five-star hotel. If you can afford this, that would definitely help because she deserves royal treatment after all that was stolen from her. Another smart move you can consider is closing out the current bank account and moving all of her money into a new one that the grown son has no access to. You can put your name as joint on the account, and see if the bank will put a special note into their system do not give the son access to any of that money. If possible, you may even switch banks and open a new account at a new bank, preferably out of town if you don't mind going that far. If out of town banking is not an option for you, you may consider just going to another local branch and alerting them what previously happened and have them fix the account against fraud. I would think that banks are really supposed to ask for your ID before giving you cash, because anyone can come in claiming to be someone they're not and leave with large amounts of cash. If this person has an ID, see if you can get a hold of it when he lays it down somewhere. Take some form of proof of who you're talking about that's been stealing from your mom. If you can't get a hold of the ID or he doesn't have one, secretly snap a picture of him with your tablet for smart phone, make sure you get his face and any other identifying description. That way, if you take a copy of that picture to the bank and have them loaded into the system, that will help them not give this leech any money.

Fedupgiveup shares a sad story of someone draining a joint account. This is a very sad situation when the money was just not theirs to take. This is only one example of why some people just don't trust others to be on their bank account, because sad situations just like this can happen. I pity the person who lost all of that money, and hopefully they got it back, I can only hope and pray they did.

When you're a guest on a joint account, setting a limit on how much you take is a very smart move, because you really don't want to take advantage of your host. This is why setting a limit is a very good idea. If you can actually afford to contribute to the joint account, this will make things better for you and the host who added you on their account. If it's a case of inability to afford it, definitely set a limit and cap your spending as much as possible so you don't hurt your host financially.

What I would do as a guest on a joint account is first find out how much is left (after) all of the bills are paid (for that month). Then, play it by ear as to how much the host needs for (their) basic needs. Any money withdrawn by the guest should be shared at the host needs something. If the host needs extra food, some of the money the guest takes should be used to bring in needed food and other supplies.

As for the mention of Caregiverhelp11's situation on kicking out the squatter, all you have to do is throw their stuff to the curb and change the locks when they happen to be gone. Another step I would take is to ask about the possibility of switching the name on the deed or even putting the house into some kind of trust. If you can speak to an eldercare lawyer, explore your options on using some kind of leverage to throw out the squatter. I personally would definitely change the locks and throw their stuff to the curb. If you have any trouble, you can have the police come out and help you throw out the squatter.

Another thing to consider is if you can have a transfer on death in place, that would help with leverage if your state offers it. Ohio for instance had this available until they discontinued it in 09, but I didn't know about it until much later. At some point the squatter must go, why not now? Let the cops pick him up and throw him either in jail or a homeless shelter. Some towns don't tolerate homelessness, our town is definitely one of them because cops quickly pick up the homeless because they know how to spot homelessness. The homeless are then taken to either jail or homeless shelter. I think every town should have this practice of putting up the homeless, especially if they're picked up by cops.

I would suggest trying to get your mother to agree to draw up a POA and suggest because your brother doesn't work that you need to be her attorney. Maybe a close friend can help. When you have POA you can get copies of her bank accounts and approach the bank. They can cancel the atm and credit cards due to your brothers abuse. VCAT won't give gaurdianship unless you can prove your mother is incompetent to handle her own affairs, so you will need proof. Send all evidence to VCAT previously to your hearing as you may not get time in court. Take copies for yourself and the member to the hearing. Also you could send your brother an email of your concerns re the money problems your mother has. Be nice and concerning. He may incriminate himself if he replies. Also record any conversation you have with him regarding money issues but only disclose them to a solicitor or VCAT. Gather as much information as you can and take it to the police, contact senior rights, elder abuse sites. If you can get statutory declarations from neighbors or other family members regarding your brothers gaming addiction it may help too. Get a statement from a accountant stating you can handle your mothers finances and are good with your own finances. Take photos of anything you can, cupboards empty of food etc. Also if your mother will let you take her to centre link, have yourself placed as her support contact (sorry I can't remember the exact name). Lawyers are expensive, I'd try legal aid. Evidence is the key, VCAT may ignore your concerns if your mother wants your brother to handle her affairs. If you disagree with VCAT's decision apply for a rehearing it must be in 30 days and apply for an audio of the first hearing. It will back up any mistakes the member may have made in the first hearing. Keep fighting, VCAT and your brother will hope you give in easy. There are a few members of parliament trying to "stop elder abuse" but it's such a huge issue I think they are overwhelmed. Goodluck!!!!! Sadly I have been there. I hope you get the results you need.