We moved MIL and FIL in with us a year and half ago because mil was dealing with stage 4 cancer. She passed in Jan 2017. Although they did not have a happy marriage, she did everything for him. He drove her crazy and wasn’t a good husband. He is now 85. He makes his bed. That’s the only housework he does. He leaves his laundry basket in front of washing machine for me to do. At dinner, he won’t even put his dirty plate in sink. Much worse than this is that he leaves us no privacy. As soon as he hears us up in the morning ( we work from Home) comes out to kitchen to talk. This man can talk. We are his only companions. He always talks about himself. We cater to him dr appts, dentist , haircuts, cvs runs. If we watch tv downstairs he sits with us. It’s like no privacy. We do go upstairs now after dishes to watch tv and be alone. My hubby takes care of helping him with his monthly banking. He has no bills and does not contribute to the household at all. We do not say anything about that because we both work and can afford the extra expenses. He gives about 1k a month to his daughter who is not in a strong financial position yet she won’t take him for a week because he causes so much anxiety. He also had a son in same town as us but we literally have to bug him to come and help out. And yet he borrows $ from his father (son is 57) and doesn’t pay him back. (Spends all his money on his 24 yr old partner). Today I caught my FIL watching me leave the upstairs bathrooom with a towel around me going to my bedroom after a shower. He was looking from living room. It creeped me out. Also little things like him getting our mail out of mailbox everyday taking to his room, making our piles and the distributing it to letting us know what looks important. Yesterday he even told me to open a piece because he wanted to see what it was. I’m not sure what is driving me more crazy. Lack of privacy, laziness, constant talk about his health, his hearing, his sore neck, this or that. Trust me we bring him to doctors for everything. We have included him on some of our social functions. He does have a tendency to try and take over everyone’s conversations. Please let me know if I am being too harsh and if not how do I address. Forget about his two other kids. They have their issues and literally won’t help.
Talk to Dad, if you feel he is capable of understanding and let him know he will no longer be King of your home and you will no longer be his minions. You will no longer be doing his laundry or dishes, etc or entertaining him. Be kind but firm. “We tried, Dad, but it’s just not working out.”
The alternative is to say nothing and have things continue on the way they are now.
You really need to talk to DH about where he can go to live, safely but separately from you. This could go on for another 10 years, getting worse all the time. You didn't choose to marry him, or choose to treat him the way that MIL did. Don't write off the rest of your active life by accepting that this is the way you have to live. Don't wait for a therapist to tell you what you know already!
The first thing I would do is buy a locking mailbox. Do not give him a key. If they have a combination lock, even better. That way you have control of your mail.
If hubs won’t lay down the law, then you’ll have to. Hand him the silverware and tell him to “please” set the table. If he won’t stand there with your hand out. Make him uncomfortable when he pulls the “king” act.
If he “can’t” learn how to wash the clothes, ok. Deliver the basket of UNfolded laundry to his room. Let him fold it and put it away.
YOU are going to have to be the “bad guy”. Straighten up your backbone and get tough. You will have to fight for the boundaries and limits you place on him. Of course he’s not going to give in willingly. Especially if you are from a culture that doesn’t speak back to elders or restrict them in any way.
If you don’t think he can live alone then check out your local Area on Aging or senior center for assisted living options. If he is giving away money to freeloaders, you shouldn’t have to support him. He can pay towards his assisted living.
You may need to come right out and say you need your privacy and he needs to either give you guys some space or move out. None of this “encouraging” nonsense. He’s got you right where he wants you. It’s up to you to change that.
I expect he thinks he's being helpful with the mail. It's probably one job he thinks he can do. He left his laundry basket in front of the washing machine? - I'm quite impressed! I've met many a person who believes that socks and underpants make their own way into the laundry basket, in spite of constant reminders to the contrary. And think how much crosser you'd have been if he'd tried to do the laundry and made a mess of it (how? oooooh, let me count the ways...).
But what he is is lonely; and the kind of companionship he is missing terribly cannot be supplied by a (comparatively) young married couple with jobs and family commitments of their own. Even setting aside the burden on you of having him in your face *the whole time* - and believe me I do sympathise with how badly it gets on the nerves - it really does sound as if he would thrive much better in the right retirement community. He's able bodied, gregarious and willing to participate. They would *love* him. You and your husband, for more than understandable reasons, are beginning to find it hard even to tolerate him. It's not a living situation to wish on an old man you care about.
What's available near you? Have you looked around?
Can your husband wash clothes? Then maybe he should do Dads. Just because your the "woman" doesn't mean you are the one responsible for Dad. Since DH isn't stepping up to the plate, then you need to tell Dad, my house my rules. Tell him like DH, you have a fulltime job that you are lucky to be able to do from home. You clock in and out just like everyone else. (Not sure you do this but I had a friend that had to) Have a cup of coffee with him but tell him, sorry Dad but I have to get to work. Sorry, you brought him into your home, did you think he wouldn't want some campanionship in the evenings. Maybe try a Senior Center or a Daycare. Check them out though to make sure there are people Dad can relate to. Other option is an AL.
Your problem now is Dad giving money to children. If he ever needs Medicaid that money will be looked at as a gift and he will be penalized.
I think both children need to be told to start living within their means. That Dad is not always going to be there. That if Medicaid is ever needed, they will be cut off because all Dads money will go for his care.
Peeping at you is a big no-no! That's a serious breach of privacy and trust. Some might even call him a dirty old man because of it.
He does not need to be living with you. It's time for you to have a sit down conversation with your husband, make plans to find your FIL new living arrangements within a specified period of time (2 months should be plenty), and put your FIL on a budget that includes him paying for or contributing to housekeeping, meals, laundry, etc.
Does your local newspaper have housing classifieds? If so, get the paper and circle ads that might be appropriate. You can prescreen them if you want and hand your husband pre-vetted potential housing for his dad.
First, no free ride: There are expenses related to him living with you and he should be paying his share. When my son moved back home my electrical bill went up by $30.00 per month and my food bill more than doubled. He pays his share. And you get paid before anyone else.
Second chores: Yes, you can teach an old dog new tricks. Perhaps the washer is beyond him, but there is no reason at all for him not to peel the spuds, set he table, clear it and rinse if not wash the dishes. Give him his list of chores. If he does not do them, then there will not be a place at the table for him.
I put my foot down years ago with my late step dad. He said grace before dinner, but never once thanked me for preparing the meal. After several months of this I took his plate away from him and told him I was not going to prepare another meal with him if he did not think me for preparing the food. I also told him he was expected to do the clearing up too. You know what, I was thanked for every meal after that and he cleared up after ever meal too.
Third: He needs his own social life. At 85 and no dementia, he can sort it out for himself. There are seniors centres, sports for seniors, volunteer opportunities and more.
Privacy: Set down your rules and stick to them. My children when they were young soon learned that Mummy needed 15 minutes to herself. I would make a cup of tea, settle the kids with books or quiet toys and set the kitchen timer. If they interrupted me, the timer was reset with an additional 5 minutes.
If you need space in the kitchen to prepare for your day, you need to let him know. Perhaps you can do as I did, make sure he is seen and heard, then tell him you need your own time and space before you start work.
Dirty old man peeping, if it happens again I would raise Cain. When we are quiet they think they can continue to get away with it. "Joe what the hell do you think you are doing you dirty old man!?" My Dad is a misogynist creep, constantly making comments about women's looks. I call him out on it all the time. He has three wonderful granddaughters who deserve better in their grandpa.
The mail: this is not ok on any level, especially if you get business mail at home. A friend recently moved after discovering her former landlord (shared mail box) was deciding what mail she should have and tossing the rest. If he wants to collect it, it should go directly to a place of your choice. If he wants to sort his own mail, that will have to be after you have made sure you have all of yours.
Best plan is for him to move out.
Truth is painful is such a true statement.
1st, yeah we all have problems it doesn't mean that 85 year old dad bails you out financially. Especially since he's not even paying his own way. It's lovely that you have the money to pay, but that's not the point. The point is he is behaving like a leech.
2nd, his personal slave died in 2017. He needs to be told what is expected from him. If he would have said I would not get any work out of him and then proceed to prove he meant what he said, I would not cook him one more meal, do one more load of laundry or haul his ungrateful hide to one more appointment. The entitlement of his behavior just fries my butt. Who the h--- does he think he is.
3rd, the mail should not be taken in his room, if he wants to go out and get it, fine, but he needs to be stopped everytime he tries to take it to his room. If that doesn't stop, time for a new mail box that doesn't allow him access.
4th, you aren't living alone, so running from your bathroom to bedroom in a towel just asks for him to look. Sorry, but you really did that one yourself.
You can find a way to live with him by getting him to pay his way. You say you're okay with it, but you brought it up so I think it bothers you that he gives his absent, useless kids money while mooching off you and DH. Find out how much a caregiver or housekeeper is and figure out how many days a week you need them and charge your deadbeat FIL the amount and additional for rent. You work hard and you have opened your home to him and deceased wife in their hour of need. Now he needs to step up and be a man by paying his own way. I am a bit harsh, I would say, you pay or leave. There will be no more freebies, washing baskets would be put back in his room, meals would be prepared for 2 and served in the privacy of my bedroom or office, any place I could lock him out. I would make him hate living with me. I would make a point of saying that I am following your lead FIL, this is what self-centered, selfish behavior looks like and since it is so acceptable for you, we are all going to live that way. All for themselves only. This will open up the conversation for him contributing to the household, if not, life starts sucking for him.
His other kids don't help, so quite frankly, who gives a damn what difficulties they are having. When he dies are you prepared to give them the money daddy gives them now? If not, no time like the present to learn to do without daddys money. They don't care if it costs you your own future to pay FILs way, so return those loving attitudes.
You can do this if you want to keep him in your home, but things have to change or the resentment will only grow and fester and ruin your health and wellbeing. I can understand wanting to help him, but it has to work for everyone in the house or it doesn't work.
Good luck, I am rooting for you. I had to not let my dad live with us for this same asinine attitude. His choice.