Downsizing our home before we retire--Hubby is 100% opposed! How do I bring this up again and make it happen?

Start packing your boxes Midkid and to your SIL to find you a new space.

To ask permission is to seek denial.

My bet is if you present it to him as a fait accompli, he won't object.
Go on that assumption.

And if he does object?

"This is what I need. I'm sorry you're not in agreement". And proceed.

Just so you know. In my first marriage, in the last 5 years or so I campaigned for a change of venue. We clearly needed something different from what we had. I was told I was wrong, that we had to stay in our house.

We divorced for other reasons and he made EXACTLY the move I'd been proposing for years. YEARS.

Me? Downsized into a coop that is handicap accessible with fabulous public transport options, walkable shopping, etc.

Everytime it snows, when the leaves fall, when his plumbing breaks, I gently laugh.

If you needed a wheelchair, would your husband be opposed to you using one? I see this as similar. You have a health need for a changed environment. Now is the time to arrange that. With SIL, narrow it down to three choices. Tell hubby he has final say on which one you move to, but that the move is going to happen. If he won't choose, you will. And then follow through. This whole process will take months. We can all hope that he will gradually come to accept the inevitable. Whether he does or not, you need a healthy environment.

If this were just about being sick of looking at the same walls, he should have as much say in the appearance of the house as you do. But this is about your health needs. It is as if he is trying to stop you from using a wheelchair when your health care providers say that is what you need. It would be a mistake to let him make that decision.

My wife decided back in June that it was time for us to downsize. I was not apposed, just shocked. I was not expecting to downsize until an investment matured in 5 years that would make fixing this house and buying a new one much easier than we are finding it to be.

We have found a house in another city that we close on later this month. We have had our house inspected so that we can go ahead and have things fixed. Some of the work will have to wait until we are completely out of the house. It will be a nice move once this is over. I'm going to miss my man cave out in the unattached garage, but I can have a new one built in the loft over the carport and garage.

My wife has a very bad knee which sometimes goes out. So, we needed a house with more open space that is easier to get around when she needs her transport chair. We raised two boys in a house with 1,800 square feet and are downsizing to 1,500 sq. feet with a much smaller yard to maintain. The city that we are moving to is where most of her doctors are anyway.

I wish you the best in getting your husband to move for your health and who knows what health needs he may have that a smaller place would be better to be in.

I raised 2 girls in my four bedroom split, 1700 square ft. I have six steps up from my laundry/family room. Another six up to a bath and to bedrooms, six more up to two bedrooms. As u can see, I can sympathize. If you have arthritis I can see your problem. Start cleaning out the stuff he probably wouldn't miss. I have been cleaning out little by little. If it hasn't been used in a while, you don't need it.

We realized that our house was not conducive to someone with problems walking when Mom was here. If she ever needed a wheelchair, we would not be able to get her out of the house.

Midkid, thank goodness a handyman is coming to install handrails. What a relief, at least you will have something to hang onto when walking down the stairs. It's downright scary without them.

Like what is it with these guys that refuse to move into something that is safer as we age??? My sig other refuses to move, too. Hope, never, no way. And how I love to hear his excuses for not helping around the house. His stomach hurts, his leg hurts, surprised his hair doesn't hurt.

Tell you what, regarding groceries, check to see if any grocery store is in partnership with Peapod. Peapod is an on-line service that will deliver to the house and bring in the groceries to your kitchen. There is a delivery fee.

Stop doing the yard work. Hire someone. Get a cleaning crew to come in once a week. Maybe if hubby sees the expenses that might make him change his mind, or not. Have him pay for it.

In winter use hubby's car, or if you can't or don't like the vehicle, go on strike. Stock up prior to a storm with cereal and milk, so when you can't go out to get groceries because your car is frozen to the side of the house and there is a foot of snow in the driveway, well dear it's Cheerio's for dinner. Or would you prefer oatmeal?

Mine was spoiled big time by his Italian mother, then his late wife use to do everything for him. Why on earth did I take him on, maybe I liked a challenge but at my age and just trying to recoup from 7 years of helping my very elderly parents, I am too tired to keep trying. We constantly snip and snarl about it.

Time to start downsizing stuff in the house. Maybe that will give him a hint, or maybe not.... [sigh].

My mom was in your position. She did all of the work inside and outside of the house. She enlisted my brother and me to pressure my dad (along with her). We basically ganged up on him and made it happen. He didn't lift a FINGER in the move, despite our invitations for him to go through his things. When they got to their new place (a retirement community), he'd get all fussy, "Where is my so-and-so?" Most of the time, it was gone. "Oh well, you didn't help, so you reap what you sow."

Once we got them moved, he was as happy as a clam. He did the same thing he did before - nothing! LOL! So it can turn out well. Just use whatever pressure points you have to get the hubs to move. Good luck and keep us posted!

Tell him you went to the doctor and he has recommended that you need to avoid stairs or you'll end up in a wheel chair because of your health conditions. Tell him that you will be parking in the garage, and all groceries will be kept in a cooler in the car until he gets home and carries them in. Tell him if he cares about you that a one story house is a necessity so that you can stay healthy and keep taking care of him and your home. If he refuses to move for your health, I wonder what will happen in the future if you really can't walk up stairs or fall and break something. Will he be there for you?

Following along FF's line of thought:

The paragraph beginning "I know he never feels well..." says it all. It's time for you to start feeling unwell.

Hire someone to shovel the snow and to clean the interior of the house.

See your ortho doctor again and tell your husband your doctor has advised that you limit climbing stairs and hire someone to shovel the snow.

Think of everything you don't feel comfortable doing and gradually start doing it, hiring some else if you can find someone.

That could include meal prep; maybe serve some frozen dinners a few times, succumb to fatigue, arthritis, whatever, and lay down or go to bed shortly after dinner (wait long enough so that you don't get indigestion though). Maybe even leave the dishes to the next day - your back can easily bother you if you don't have a dishwasher.

The goal is to make him recognize that he's not going to get the same kind of service as you grow older and that downsizing is appropriate.

And truthfully, there will come a time when your energy level diminishes, and napping and letting things go will become mandatory.

Midkid, do I recall this is the husband you've nursed through a liver transplant?

I see I made a colossal error - first paragraph, second sentence should have read "It's time for you to start feeling well", or "time for you to stop feeling unwell." That's what happened when a tired brain tries to think.

Wow--

Thanks for all the great advice and support!!

Yes, I have nursed my hubby through liver cancer, the year long wait before a liver transplant, a serious infection after the TP, 4 months of DAILY nursing care (BP, BS, insulin dependence, TONS of pills to be taken all day--charting this all just as a hospital would) then he did 84 weeks of a brutal chemotherapy regimen, and I worked 2 jobs AND took care of "all the stuff", dealt with the insurance co...he had a stroke midway through the chemo, nursed him back from that and then the surgery to deal with a hole in his heart....then a near fatal motorcycle accident (b/c he felt he "deserved" a motorcycle after all he'd been through), 3 months in bed from that and multiple runs to the hospital as he was bleeding internally and needed transfusions---and then 12 weeks on Harvoni (which blessedly cured his HepC) now he has diabetes and is non-compliant in that TX so I am cleaning a gross bathroom daily as he had raging diarrhea most every day, and cleaning up after himself makes him "vomit".

This is a monster I created by doing all the things. He can't make a bed, make a meal that is more complex than a bowl of cereal, doesn't get his own car serviced or registered, pay bills or really, do anything. Sleeps all weekend, every weekend, due to severe depression (which he is NOW addressing b/c I told him I would divorce him if he didn't minimally do that!)

I KNOW this house cannot handle Emergency services--when he had both the stroke and the accident, the EMT's had to "fireman" carry him out. Wheelchairs/gurneys are not a mix with split entry homes. However, since he was only semi-conscious during both these events, he doesn't remember nor believe me.

When I had my 2 back surgeries, he did not so much as bring me a Diet Coke. He actually dropped me off at the hospital both times and went to our daughter's and went back to sleep. The dr comes out to the waiting room and can't find him to talk to. Dr. comes in to me (in recovery) and says "I can't find any family out there for you" and I said "Oh, I am sure he went up the street to our daughter's & went back to bed". Dr. looks at me and says "We're keeping you here for 3 days, not one. And, seriously, who DOES this??" The second surgery he knew just to call his cell phone and tell him I hadn't died.

I will add that neither surgery was serious, and I was up walking and touching my toes within hours of the surgery, but it did hurt and I wasn't supposed to "do" stairs, but I had no choice. Now I am just stiff with the ensuing arthritis, which will never get "better". AS arthritis does, it's slowly taking over all my joints.

I HAVE slowly being clearing out the house, unbeknownst to him. I don't throw his stuff away, just the extra junk.

I DON'T play games, and he wouldn't "get" it if I parked in the garage--he'd be furious. He'd come find me and make me move my car.

He is a changed man since the transplant. It traumatized him terribly. I have tried to be compassionate as I can, but it was 11 years ago, he is expected to live a normal lifespan--but I am completely exhausted from trying to gauge his moods and wants. He sees nothing wrong in having me "do all the things" when he has consistently worked FT for 41 years (my little PT jobs make so little he tends to discount them completely).

I did talk to him last week (we were on a cruise) and told him that he wouldn't have to do a single thing to effect the move, I'd pack, clean and do all the planning. He reluctantly said he'd THINK about it. That actually means "no".

I'm seeing my Son in Law tomorrow and I am going to start looking for a new home. Maybe a duplex where hubs can live in one side and I can live in the other with a connecting door if we want to do stuff together. It's a definite possibility.

I know hubby looks at me as a little mountain goat, endless energy and bounding around all day with glee. I am not old, but I will be, soon enough. I want to do this move before I AM too old and the kids have to be involved.

Luckily we have the money, and we have lots of time. I do wish Hubby would be more on board and not be so negative and pouty. He's better since he began therapy, but he needs to go for at least another year. He's profoundly selfish, and doesn't see it.

BTW, I am very connected to this neighborhood and our church here. This will be a HUGE change for me, yet all he thinks about is himself. I brought 4/5 of our babies to this home, I have painted every inch of it, inside and out--there are deep connections here--yet I know that it's not a good fit for retirees.

As far as paying someone to do ANYTHING around here--I have to sneaky pete the jobs done, or Hubs blows a gasket. HE won't do it, but he also won't let anyone else do it. (He's an engineer, need I say more?)


Thanks again, sorry for the long rant, but I needed to get that off my chest.

H*ll of a good rant Mid!

I was going to advise you to get a hit man for hubs till I read your last post. The guys been through a lot but still, I kinda wanna smack him as I'm sure you do occasionally.

I'm 62, in pretty good shape but my wife and I just moved from the top of a mountain from a house with a bunch of steps to a small ranch house on level acreage. First thing I did was build a laundry on the first floor. OMG! How nice that is. So I agree, your planning makes sense.

Hubby, I don't know what to tell you bout this guy. Sounds like he just wants to be left alone. That's fine but why deny you some comfort. Is it time for some breaking bad?

Has your husband always been selfish and controlling? Or are these behavior changes since all of his medical problems?

You did what a compassionate wife would do. You did not create this monster. His illnesses might have, but you did the best you could to deal with those. Don't take any responsibility for how things turned out with him.

Keep downsizing quietly. Start looking at one-level housing. I think it would be a good idea for him to have separate quarters. A duplex sounds workable, or a house with a master suit (or room to remodel for one) where he has his own bathroom, television, etc. Hire someone to clean his area (or the entire house). Or (and this is drastic) move out and leave him in your present house. Arrange the care he needs. Could you afford that?

What do you mean that he throws a fit and would "make" you move your car out of the garage? Does he get violent? Are you afraid he'll hurt you? Maybe you need to grow a thicker skin and let him rage, while you continue to do what you need to do. Or if he really is dangerous, maybe you need to carry your cell phone everywhere and call 911 if he becomes threatening.

Was he a good husband and father before his health fell apart?

Midkid58, oh my gosh, he left you at the hospital? Was his excuse, he doesn't like hospitals? My sig other wouldn't stay the night with me at the hospital back when I was scared after having major cancer surgery. He complained his back was hurting too much. After he left I was channel surfing, and lo and behold, the Yankees were playing. Ah ha.

I honestly believe we would have less stress being on our own or with someone who helps with no excuses, as there is nothing worse then having an able bodied person in the house who refuses to help.

Midkid, when you and hubby get into an argument over something, does he flip back onto you making you feel like it was all your fault? Hate it that happens.

Do you really want to take hubby to the new place?

Yup--he's left me actually 3 times at various surgery centers/hospitals. I don't know why, but I DID inform the Dr. in each case that he likely wasn't going to be hanging about (even though he signed a FORM stating he would stay)--oh well, water under the bridge.

He is who he is. I married him, I didn't know he'd do the 180 dance and become a crusty angry old man. Therapy has been helping him and I appreciate his going, even though it was done under "duress", He is actually enjoying it, on some level. He was abused by his parents as a child and told constantly he was worthless and a waste of time and space. His mother is still a thorn in his side, but he avoids her at all costs and pretty much never sees her. He is realizing and recognizing that childhood traumas have played a BIG part in the man he is today.

I am moving ahead on a timeline. Hubby wants to work until I am 65 (or close to it). That gives him 3-1/2- 4 years. I want to be moved and settled in 2. SO my goal is to begin looking, culling through our stuff and downsizing the "junk" in preparation for that. Probably, our best bet will be a "fixer upper" which I can oversee the renovations on. He will have a "man cave" for woodworking or just hanging up all the tools he never uses, and he will have a den with his favorite recliner and TV, so he can get away from me. I also want a big jetted tub for those aches and pains and a very small garden. Double car garage with inside entrance to the kitchen. One big family space. All on one level. I will get my own bedroom and a craft/sewing room. Whether or not we get a "spare bedroom" is beside the point and would be nice, but not necessary.

I realize I have made him out to be some kind of monster, and sometimes I do feel that he is just super emotional (tho he thinks he is the most level headed guy in the world) and going through aging. I honestly think he is scared of dying and aging is the process--he really mourns the passing of his youth, but this guy climbed mountains, hiked 4 days a week, golfed, traveled the world---did exactly what he wanted when he wanted. I was home with kids. He has had a GREAT life.

Time will tell what happens. He is doing better with therapy, and I am learning to tell him how I feel and not feel guilty for having emotions.

If he chooses not to come with me to the "new house" he can stay with the neighbors. I think that would last 1 night.

I'm not bossy, but I am tired and learning to be more assertive and less acquiescent. He is not loving the "new me".

And that's his problem!

Midkid I particularly winced at the 'take more care on the stairs' counsel. When my ex SO (ex, note!) cut himself on a kitchen knife and complained about my dishwasher stacking methods, I said "I get what you mean. But can you not also just look what you're doing?" So your DH's tough love made me blush a bit.

However. This is different. Stairs without handrails are needless accidents waiting to happen and I'm sorry, but you have been injured and husband's attitude sucks. Sure, make allowances for what he's been through and all the after-effects, of course; but that doesn't mean that you're not entitled to have your convenience, comfort and quality of life cared about too. This is ridiculous!

On the upside, just think how fit those stairs are keeping you. Or will do if you don't wind up in traction for six weeks with a broken leg...

MidKid, you've been a poster and contributor here for quite some time. I even remember your first post, when your mother (or MIL) wanted to have hip surgery and all but one sibling was in disagreement.

You've probably read and responded to others' posts by women with domineering and demanding husbands, and I can tell by the post before mine that you understand the issues. And they're not ones that are easy to change, but I'm glad that you're able to get him to therapy.

I think this kind of sums it up: "so he can get away from me" - no, I think YOU need to get away from him!

It takes a lot of mental and physical effort as well as determination in the face of marital and emotional storms (escalating sometimes to hurricanes or tornados). You probably know and realize you're climbing your own emotional mountain.

Even though life "is what it is", that doesn't mean that you accept it. And remember that you're still an individual, capable of making her own decisions, and probably in many ways much stronger than your husband. Don't let him drag you down - go your own way if you have to. It's your life, not his.

Perhaps even take a vacation if you have to to get away from him. And it's YOUR determination when to retire, not his!

Midkid I feel your pain. I have one exactly like that at home. And yes i spoiled him rotten in the early years while he worked and i raised the children. I felt it was my job as a good wife!!!!!!!!
One thing i would say in your hubby's defense is that the anti rejection drugs he has to take for his liver do make people feel horrible. OK you have your own problems and so do I.
You are taking all the right steps and many older couples feel the need to have somewhere private to get away from each other. We openly agree on that.
I always said that if i was getting a cold I had to run to the bed before he thought he had one much worse.
Our current predicament is deciding whether to move closer to our eldest daughter or stay put. Stairs are not our major problem just that the cost of similar housing in her area is over twice as much as where we live.
Currently the situation is quite interesting as I became pretty disabled a couple of years ago with multiple problems following a burst appendix, leading to sepsis and heart failure. Still recovering from that in early Spring when i broke both hips. Also have severe O/A and general weakness. One of my Drs asked me the other day if i was depressed because of my many problems and i told him I was not. he said many people are. the more I thought about it the more i knew i was actually relieved because i don't have to take care of everything anymore. it took me falling and breaking bones for him to realize I was not complaining for nothing. He still won't cook or make tea but he is much more careful around me and does not want the hassle of having me in hospital for weeks on end.
Would it work for you if there were no stairs in your current house?
Have you considered putting in a couple of stair lifts? Much cheaper than moving.
I have the same problem with having to park outside in the snow but last year hubby rearranged the garage so my car would fit - just. i think it was mainly because his is awful in the snow and i have a 4WD. It works for me so i would suggest building something your car can shelter in, So far this summer i have not been able to pull a single weed so i have thistles 10 feet high!!!!!!!!!
You can find your way round this Mifkid you are a strong rescouseful woman.
By the way I would advise against buying a fixer you don't need that added stress and money worries.

Every couple is different and every personality is different, so all of our advice may not fit you. That said, if it was me in your shoes, I'd tell him, "It's too much for me and I NEED to downsize. I'm moving to a condo in 2018. I hope you'll move with me." And if it really was me talking, my DH would know that I'm not joking.
Blessings,
Jamie