Hi all! First let me begin by saying this site has been a God send to me. I haven’t posted for a while, but I read everyday for the continued support. Makes me feel sooo much better to know others have the same issues and I’m not alone. So I think today I just need to vent, and I apologize in advance. Last year had been the year from hell for me! Mom was placed in LTC facility for her dementia worsening and for her own safety. (Ex: falling, leaving the stove and water on). So the facility is great. No complaints on the care, the activities, the PT, the OT and activities. And believe me, being a nurse myself, I would know bad care! I’m the girl who lived with mom after my divorce than became her primary caregiver, or should I say only caregiver! Went through hell to prove all this so I wouldn’t lose the home and paid an elder care attorney 1300 dollars, but done, I won, and she is being well taken care of and has Medicaid. I visit 3 times a week. I work 2 jobs as a nurse, and still manage to have friends and a life. I’m sorry I’m going on, but after last nights visit I’m so disgusted! It’s just constantly complaining. Food, other people, nothing to do. You see mom didn’t have a great marriage, really no friends, and never wanted to do anything but stay home. So no one visits her but me. Is that my fault?! I don’t believe so. It gets to the point when I don’t even want to be there. Growing up, she never went to any of our games or activities. When her own parents needed help, there were 5 of them, all in the same town, and none of them did nothing for them!! The excuse was well I didn’t drive and I had you kids. We were all adults and out of the house!! I got so angry yesterday with all the complaining and carrying on, I threw this all in her face! I have done so much over the years for her, and it’s terrible to be treated this way!! Maybe back to therapy I don’t know. But I also know that we were not and are not responsible for our parents lives and what they did and how they lived. Sorry for the long post. Venting feels better...
For me, she is Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Remember when she turns her head completely around and vomits pea-green soup from her mouth? Yep. That's my mother when I call or show up for a visit! I am an only child, her sounding board, the person she vents to, constantly, because to everyone else she has to be The Lovely Little Old Lady, so all that venom is reserved for me. Never mind that it gives ME ulcers, who cares, right? Well I care! So I limit my visits to once a week and my calls to once a day at 8:10 pm. We talk on the phone for 10 minutes, or SHE talks, and I listen to the chronic complaining, and then I wish her a good sleep, tell her I love her, and hang up.
The End.
We can't fix old age OR chronic complaining.
As long as they're cared for properly and in good hands, that's ALL that matters.
Best of luck
Is there a geriatric psychiatrist you could have see her? There was one at my mom's AL/IL and her input on mom's care and medication helped tremendously.
What does the staff say about mom's participation and mood when you're not around? Sometimes, I believe that we are triggers for our parents' bad moods.
In which case, staying away for a bit might be a good thing.
((((((hugs)))))))
You are clearly just as capable as you can be, because what you have walked through is amazing. I can bearly get Spectrum to get a phone in for my bro (really! It was 6 hours on the phone from everywhere from New York to St Louis to Mumbai).
So here you are visiting Mom and listening to complaints. Yet I know, smart as you are, you understand that this is what they DO there. It is like a mission for them. They are very busy. If not complaining about the food, the workers the whatever it is complaints about their housemates (they are like a 60s commune bickering). If not that they are complaining about YOU.
But all in all you are doing great. You got this done and you are in charge now of how often you visit, when, why, and what you say. Just go hug Mom, give her a bouquet, tell her you are sorry it is hard for her because you KNOW hard. Tell her you love her. Tell her you have to leave now before she says a SINGLE WORD and wrecks it all. Smile, and leave.
Sure, if therapy helps, go for it. I myself get tired of the "But what are you doing for YOURSELF?" "What are your GOALS" and whatever other platitude we get to make us try to deal with how tough it is. Feelings are weather fronts. They come and go. Sunny or stormy doesn't matter, they are soon enough out and another weather front on the way.
Happy Thanksgiving and hugs!