They go on to add how we should spend every moment with her. That is just not possible. My mother is still with us in her mid 90s and yes, we love her very much. She is in her own home, and well cared for with caregivers and family. I do not want to lose my mother, but the reality of the situation is that we have already lost our Mom. She knows us and interacts, but she is not the mother who raised us. We have already mourned the loss of our mother. I guess it grates so badly because is makes me feel like as long as the body is present, we have our Mom but that is just not true.
That usually shut them up. 🤐
My mother is not terrible but I have to say not the mother I would have wished for and not the mother I am. This leaves me feeling sad and guilty.
The relationship is so emotionally complicated. She is currently in AL. Yesterday was annoying because we were taking her to dinner and the restaurant was crowded and behind with their reservations. She kept moving her Walker in the direct line of traffic. I had to say I had spoken to the staff and I was doing my best. Frankly she was driving me nuts. I wanted to leave her with my husband and walk home. I didn't care that it was pouring outside.
She now takes medication but applied Christian Science theories to her life and mine. I abhor that religion. I suffered as a child being denied medication when sick. She is very overweight. I don't care anymore what she eats. It has exhausted me for years. I don't wish for her demise but I wonder how long she will continue to go downhill. She hasn't been healthy for decades.
I had bought her a new bra at her request. She told me it was too padded which it wasn't in the least. I now have to go somewhere else to try to find one to her size and needs. It is not easy these days finding truly old lady bras.
Our reservations were for 6:30. She said how nice it was to go out to dinner at that time implying she eats so early at the AL. She has said this before. It is really a dig.
I always try my best to not bring up the negative aspects of my childhood. She was not really meant to be a mother, having been a serious dancer which one would never know now due to the shape she is in and has been for years.
I could go on and on. She spent years in bed during my childhood. When my parents divorced I completely understood my father's desire for such. I was cooking and cleaning the house by myself at 16. I was an only child. She had a late miscarriage after me and I found letters to her best friend with so little emotion on her part.
She just has always been zany. I just came home last night and felt depressed. Sad for what never was nor can be now. She has has an ischemic stroke. That has made her less zany but it is hard to have a conversation unless it is a subject matter she wants to have.
This is all so complicated. I am in therapy and take antidepressants. Only my immediate family can understand my issues with her. I know I am fortunate to not have her behaving horribly as so many here have to live with. I know I will feel awful once she passes. At times I just don't know how to emotionally help myself as far as she is concerned.
It gets really convoluted until someone goes through what you are going through now. You never really want to accept that passing of the baton where you become the parent to your parent. And most of us have parents who don't want that either.
The best summary I had was from one of my friend's dads who said, "Sometimes the Golden Years aren't so golden." AMEN!
Educating people is great with people who are capable of hearing it but have you ever tried that with a person who isn’t? Geeeez, a reply like, “They can’t help it. You should be ashamed of how you feel.” Oh my gosh, I have never been a violent person but a comment like that makes you want to smack them! LOL.
Like when people have said to me, “Do you have a belt for those pants?” Because they don’t want to hurt my feelings by saying that I need to eat and have become too thin. They see my pants falling off but they feel funny telling me that I don’t eat enough. It’s true I have never been a large eater and I know that I am underweight but my appetite is nearly zero these days.
Some people are rude rude though and have asked me if I have been sick and is that why I am so thin. I would never ask them why they are so fat?
Having said that, if things don’t change then close that door. I’ve ended friendships with people as a last resort. Took awhile to get to that point but it happens. Unfortunately the woman that I no longer have a relationship with has pushed so many away, even her kids! She tried to manipulate her daughter so much before her wedding that her daughter ended up telling her that she was no longer welcome to be a part of the wedding ceremony.
It took a therapist telling me that it was okay to be angry for me to realize that a range of emotions are normal with being a caregiver. You are right to say that we have to accept what we feel. I personally feel it isn’t healthy to get stuck in anger, anxiety, depression, anything that can hurt us in the long run and we owe it to ourselves to seek help if we find ourselves stuck in a dark place.
YES, sure does.
I fixed my friend who said both of these! Every time she said it, I said to her, “Well, she is very lucky to have me!”
Then every time she said, “How is mom?” I said, “I am fine.” She repeated it. I repeated, “I am fine.” She repeated once again and emphasized, “I asked you how your mother is?” I said, “I am fine, thanks for asking!” She looked so confused. I smiled and walked away. Hahaha
It's hard to empathize with either side of it unless you've really been in it. Yes, my dad is alive, but damn he really sucks a lot of the time and caused me a great deal of pain. For those who have to watch their parents fall to dementia and Alzheimer's for years and years and see them suffer or be abusive, to do the types of caregiving like changing diapers or dealing with accidents, and constant hospital trips and dealing with the likes of elder care attorneys, Medicaid, facilities, etc....it doesn't seem like one is lucky to still have that physical body present. Like I said, it seems to me personally having been on both sides of this that only those with direct experience in something can truly understand.
But I would never tell someone struggling in caregiving that they should feel lucky or be happy their parent is still alive. That only invalidates the struggles of the caregiver and as someone who's experienced that, I know caregivers need to be validated just as much as the person they're caring for. Just as I would never tell someone who's lost their parent early or tragically to be grateful they never had to be a caregiver for said parent. That would invalidate their grief.
I was a caregiver. My mom was very sick for many years. I was with her through it all. Some of her illnesses were very hard to witness. She lived in my house and died in my arms. I would have gladly shared my remaining days on earth with her if she could have lived longer.
It is Mother’s Day and many of us have lost our mothers. Those who haven’t will. To walk through the grocery store or mall, or to even check e-mail on Mother’s Day is terribly painful to those of us who have become motherless. I have friends that must stay home on Mother’s Day because they know the tears will be spontaneous and difficult to control.
Enjoy every moment. Don’t wish for your own life to pass more quickly.
I wish I could sit with my mother in the very painful last hour of her life so that I could tell her again how much I love her and how grateful I am for all the sacrifices she made for others.
Somedays I have a hard time accepting that I will never be able to touch her hand, hug her, hear her voice, or talk to her for the rest of my life.
Trying to guilt others for their feelings is crummy.
You are so correct that the body being present doesn't mean our loved one still resides there.