They go on to add how we should spend every moment with her. That is just not possible. My mother is still with us in her mid 90s and yes, we love her very much. She is in her own home, and well cared for with caregivers and family. I do not want to lose my mother, but the reality of the situation is that we have already lost our Mom. She knows us and interacts, but she is not the mother who raised us. We have already mourned the loss of our mother. I guess it grates so badly because is makes me feel like as long as the body is present, we have our Mom but that is just not true.
That usually shut them up. 🤐
You are very wise. We all need to follow your advice.
You are so correct that the body being present doesn't mean our loved one still resides there.
It's hard to empathize with either side of it unless you've really been in it. Yes, my dad is alive, but damn he really sucks a lot of the time and caused me a great deal of pain. For those who have to watch their parents fall to dementia and Alzheimer's for years and years and see them suffer or be abusive, to do the types of caregiving like changing diapers or dealing with accidents, and constant hospital trips and dealing with the likes of elder care attorneys, Medicaid, facilities, etc....it doesn't seem like one is lucky to still have that physical body present. Like I said, it seems to me personally having been on both sides of this that only those with direct experience in something can truly understand.
But I would never tell someone struggling in caregiving that they should feel lucky or be happy their parent is still alive. That only invalidates the struggles of the caregiver and as someone who's experienced that, I know caregivers need to be validated just as much as the person they're caring for. Just as I would never tell someone who's lost their parent early or tragically to be grateful they never had to be a caregiver for said parent. That would invalidate their grief.
I fixed my friend who said both of these! Every time she said it, I said to her, “Well, she is very lucky to have me!”
Then every time she said, “How is mom?” I said, “I am fine.” She repeated it. I repeated, “I am fine.” She repeated once again and emphasized, “I asked you how your mother is?” I said, “I am fine, thanks for asking!” She looked so confused. I smiled and walked away. Hahaha
It gets really convoluted until someone goes through what you are going through now. You never really want to accept that passing of the baton where you become the parent to your parent. And most of us have parents who don't want that either.
The best summary I had was from one of my friend's dads who said, "Sometimes the Golden Years aren't so golden." AMEN!
I have found that most of my stress comes from what is inside me not matching what is outside of me. The better I get at communicating the inside reality to the outside world the more at peace I feel and the better I cope.
its like the posts here where people are venting about how hard it is to be their ailing parents caregiver and how they regret making the decision to take on that roll. There is always that ONE PERSON who has to say how much they loved being being. 24/7 caregiver to their parent, how it’s the best thing they ever did and that the complainers should enjoy it too!! Wrong time, wrong place for that! When people are expressing their frustrations as a caregiver and how burnt out they are, the last thing they need to hear is how much someone else loved it and it’s the best thing they ever did. What they need to hear is that their feeling are valid and that it’s ok to feel the way they do and that they are not alone.
Telling someone who’s mother has advanced dementia and not the person she used to be “at least you still have your mom”, is just heartless to me! It’s ignorant! It’s cruel. My heart really goes out to anyone who has been told that. I can only imagine how hard it is to go through that with your mom or dad, when they are no longer the parent you knew, they can’t take care of themselves and they don’t know who you are. When their quality of life is non-existent. I really can’t understand what kind of person would tell you “at least you still have your mom”. Like you are supposed to be greatful your mother is still alive! I just can’t fathom it. I can’t fathom telling anyone to be thankful their parent is still alive when they are suffering and have no quality of life! If only people would think before they speak....