I really want to skip Thanksgiving this year. Usually, I cook for my husband, brother, and dad and maybe a few of my husband's nearby family. But, this year, the in-laws are going to spend it doing their own thing. Which leaves me trying to make Thanksgiving special for my dad, brother and husband. Dad's anger issues have gotten worse since his stroke 2 years ago and I'm the primary caregiver even though he's still able to live on his own. He and my brother have never been close...there's always tension, but they can get along for the sake of others. But there's ALWAYS that tension between the two of them. My brother just recovered from COVID and has already told me he's not up for a Thanksgiving meal and thinks we should just wait and get together for Christmas. So does my husband. My problem is...how do I tell dad we aren't going to get together that day? He's not the easiest to get along with right now. My husband says we could just take him a plate of Thanksgiving dinner. Which is fine with me...but, how do I explain that we aren't going to get together at our house?
Things haven't been going that well since 2020.
Sorry i don't have any brilliant advice.
I do believe though that honesty IS always the best policy.
If i were in your same situation, I would probably tell my mother, "I'm sorry, but D and I are just going to use Thanksgiving Day as a day off - from everything."
And then maybe order a full meal from a GOOD restaurant and take it over there.
So in 2019, we did not spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with my father who was in a lovely ALF. I refused to subject myself to his ranting and swearing any longer. He had NPD and ASPD. I was shocked he never got evicted. We hid at home just the 2 of us. No guilt, no regrets.
Now that both folks are gone, I went NC with my siblings as well. My life is so much more peaceful without toxic people in it. We stay home and binge watch movies and TV shows all day.
Do what is best for for YOU. Everyone else will get over it. Good luck!
{{{HUGS}}}
I remember one year me, my sister and my mom drove to my sister T's house for the usual Christmas. We pulled into the driveway and started to get out of the car as we usually did. None of us were looking forward to this get together so I said let's just sit in the car for a bit. So we just sat there and then it struck us simultaneously how ludicrous it was and we burst into gales of laughter. We were still laughing when we got to the door. My sister T in her usual fashion looked all put out cause she wasn't in on the joke. But the three of us looked at each other occasionally throughout the evening and smirked.
Say: " The family cannot all get together this year (blame it on Covid).
We will celebrate another time when the entire family can be together. . .
I'll keep you posted."
* Keep it simple.
* Going into long explanations will only / further upset him and increase the tension;
* Re-focus his response. Keep it short and say something else - yes, I know you feel sad, so do I... we will do it when we can. Oh, I just thought . . . what do you think about . . . CHANGE THE SUBJECT;
* Let him think it is being postponed; whether it is or isn't;
Keep this simple for you by telling the truth 'mostly' - the more convoluted you make it, the harder it is for you to keep your own thoughts clear(ly expressed) and will overwhelm both of you.
IMPORTANT:
- Role play with your husband before you talk to him.
- Don't fear his response. Realize he will feel what he feels and that you have no control over that. [Let Go and Let God, however you interpret God]
- Keep your voice soft and even and smile. He will pick up on these ques MORE THAN you may realize.
* Do not engage in a debate. Be prepared he might want to argue or keep this conversation going as if he can decide the outcome, if he thinks he can.
* Practice self-confident feelings, any way you can ! And know that YOU CAN.
Gena
I just wanted to add that there will be a time when you may miss spending time with loved ones at the holidays. I lost both my parents this summer, and while being a caregiver was not easy, I'm so incredibly sad that I won't see them next week. There is a real heartache and I'm going to isolate myself so I don't need to pretend to be happy.
This is not to judge in any way. Just to provide a perspective from this side.
Dollar stores would have some cheap table decor to make it just a tad festive. You don't have to stay all day. Just have a meal together. You could also ask dad if he'd like to eat out to do something different. Gets him out of the house and someone else serves and cleans up. Order a meal to go so he has some leftovers for the next day -- maybe for both you and him!
I am so thankful for the chocolate covered almonds and bananas being delivered. My dH and I have an abundance of food.
So, no, I am not going out of my way to cook with a bad foot.
Good luck.
I am laughing with you, been there. But never pulled out of the driveway.
My husband and I have decided to take lunch and eat with my mom at her place. We are doing the same with his aunt for dinner. Neither person is very mobile and rest of family is either working or with in laws.
Not really in the mood for a big to do although I am thankful for my life and the many blessings we have.
Thanksgiving is a tradition in America, however, many are attempting to do away with any history that 'offends' a certain group of peoples. Soon, the Federal holiday may be banned.
Setting that debate aside, being thankful and grateful for many things, including an abundant harvest or just being fed, can be celebrated.
The thing is, you can choose to celebrate on any day!
No guilt, no pressure, no judgment!
If you want, you can choose any day to not cook, go to a restaurant when they are not busy, Can Dad attend a meal at a restaurant? When, and if, you want to be with him? Try a breakfast or lunch? Shorten the time spent together.
Maybe he needs to be medicated for such anger and behaviors?
Maybe you need a big break from all the pressures.
Look it up. It's like this syndrome where no potentially negative thing can be said or acknowledged because the third party thinks it would hurt feelings. Whereas both her PAID charges are not down for this.
If she manages to bully/manipulate MIL, there might be a dinner. NO FRIENDS OR OR YOUR PERSONAL FAMILY SIL. We haven't known them for 20 years, the ILs are in extremis, and now you bring this up?
my daughter in law is pregnant (they are not going on family trip due to pregnancy). They don’t want the potential exposure, I don’t want my mom to have a potential exposure to her, and drag covid back to the facility..
I feel awful for my moms disappointment. I plan on picking up a newspaper for her.. She loves looking thru the adds. I will do that with her.
New Years Eve, my husband and I have taken to changing the grandfather clock hands forward so that ‘midnight’ comes at about our normal bed time. We will already have changed the clocks for daylight saving, so there’s nothing genuine about clock ‘midnight’. And it feels better the next morning!
Holidays are supposed to be nice, not a stresser. I shudder to think of all our site friends getting through three months of the ‘holiday season’, and finding it one stress after another!
The best Thanksgiving I ever had was about five years ago when I came down with a really bad cold and had to cancel everything. Fortunately, I wasn't hosting, but I sent my husband and son off to the local relatives, curled up on the sofa and watched Downton Abbey all day. It was great, and I'd love to do it again this year.