My dad has advanced dementia. He has been in a nursing home (NH) now for 11 months getting care. He is bladder and bowel incontinent and practically unable to walk; mostly wheelchair bound and VERY confused. The times my family has tried to take him out of the NH, he gets agitated and confused very quickly and wants to "go back home" which is basically his room/floor in the NH. But I feel TERRIBLE leaving him there on Thanksgiving day when the family all gathers elsewhere. I am trying to decide if I should just try to bring him knowing that we might only stay for a few minutes and have to leave - at least I could say I tried? My biggest concerns are, we don't have a wheelchair. Maybe the NH would let us borrow one? And my brother's house has stairs to get in the house and stairs inside the house but my brothers/husband/son could surely carry him in the wheelchair. The other part is if he soils himself - I would need to be able to clean/change him, which I have not done before. I just can't make up my mind about what to do! Any advice?
Thank you!
Maggie
I appreciate your insight. ❤
if you want, bring him a tray of his favourite TG foods, either later in the day or on Friday.
The same applies to Christmas.
No, don't take Dad out. Usually the facilities have something for the residents. Sometimes the day before. Ask about that and see if family members can attend. Then him and Mom can have that meal together.
TG is hectic as it is, don't add to it someone who has to be totally cared for and has no idea where he is or what is going on. Me personally, wouldn't want to remember, maybe, my last Holiday with a LO like this.
And you want to take him out contrary to those facts? That's cruel. See a therapist about your emotions which are misguiding you.
We did the same with my MIL, carrying her 180 lbs in a wheelchair up the very steep side yard (in the freezing, snow covered MN winter) and then realizing our small bathroom could not accommodate the wheelchair. All we did was orbit around her while neglecting other guests and then decided to take her back early. We were all exhausted by end of the holiday. It was difficult to give this up but there was no point in continuing. Blessings!
Guilt is for doing something morally wrong which is often also not legal. You have not done anything to warrant guilt.
Saying “I tried” means “willingly took on a task that is undoable and has no possibility to bring joy or comfort to the “guest””.
There are times in dealing with this terrible illness in which there are no victories and no good choices. Think about who he was when he was well, then think of what he, in those good days in the past, would have asked you to do in his unfortunate future.
Take him something to eat from the feast that he might enjoy, but DON’T deny him the peace, consistency, and the necessary attention that shapes his life in the present.
Hugs, Maggie. Decide, for him, to leave him “home”.
Please do what is right for him, you do not need to impress anyone and there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty.
Let him be and enjoy your day knowing that he is safe and secure in his "Home".
Im taking my father out of AL for the same reason.....I’d feel guilty if I didn’t at least try. He does know it is a holiday which is one difference. I know he will like coming to my home but I am not sure it is worth all the work that will go into this. Another poster mentioned spending all their time fussing over parent which means they neglect other guests. I can see this happening.
Is is it fair that I ruin my holiday so he might have 60 seconds of joy? I know he will expect constant attention that I won’t have the time to give. He will need my assistance in the bathroom and will want it at the utmost inconvenient time. This is not something I or anyone else in the household is comfortable doing.
i plan to see what happens this week to decide what will happen at Christmas. My father is very close to the point he doesn’t really know what is going on. I understand feeling like you are a bad daughter for not including him even when you realize it is for the best.
No, you shouldn't.
Holidays are one-day events for people who are in good enough mental and physical condition to enjoy them. Forcing someone who's not mentally or physically capable of celebrating a holiday to 'enjoy' it because it's what everyone else is doing doesn't make a bit of sense. Enjoy your holiday with your loved ones, and separately with your father, in a safer, more controlled environment where there will be little or no stress to him involved.
Either eat a Thanksgiving meal with him over at the NH, or bring him a meal he can eat at his own leisure.
It's okay to enjoy the holiday without feeling guilty that your father is 'missing out'. He's not.
Family can stop in to see him. A few at a time not the entire family at one time as that could get confusing and frightening.
He needs consistency and routine removing him for a few hours would upset him. My guess is he would ask to go back rather quickly.