Desperately need advice on how to manage my mother's depression.

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Desperately need advice on how to manage my mother's depression.

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My-78-year old mother has had several traumas the past few years (losing her sister, relationship with son, triple heart bypass and most recently my father passing away in April while she was recovering from hip surgery (followed by 79 days in rehab). Something changed in her. In late November she had her first UTI and I feel all has gone downhill since then. She can’t remember things like the month or year. She knows all of us, doesn’t repeat herself, or misplace items but she doesn’t seem to have the will to do anything. She was diagnosed with depression and is still trying to find the proper help. She also has terrible nights . I have heard of pseudo-dementia due to depression. Has anyone experienced it? I take care of her bills and she is with me now. Since returning from rehab she is 100 percent dependent on me for everything she can do, but doesn’t. I have searched for a geriatric psychiatrist with no success. My biggest fear is dementia but to me it’s not that. She never smiles, shows little emotion and basically is a shell of herself. Even in the rehab she had some happy days. My father’s death was unexpected at the time. She did not get closure and was unable to attend the funeral. I’m at a loss. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. She also has multiple health issues (type 2 diabetes, chf, kidney issues. Thank you!

Care Decisions Depression Mental Health Therapy

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People don't understand the devastation of loosing spouse. I never did, until it happened to me. I kept busy with funeral arrangements, then afterward got back to work. It was hard to concentrate. You basically lose half of your life, so the first few years are really hard. Your identity goes from wife to widow. It's really hard to accept or deal with.
It takes time to reach a point of acceptance. I've been single for 23 years.

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Reply to Dawn88

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79 days in Rehab! I would be depressed just because of that. I know shebis 78 but I know people who have had hip surgery, yes younger, that did not go to rehab. There is something called hospital delirium and it carries over to Rehab. The anesthesia also takes a while to get out of her system.

UTIs need to be handled a certain way. Has she been tested again? She should have a culture done to determine the bacteria involved so the correct antibiotic is given. Then start giving her cranberry tablets to help prevent it coming back and maybe a probiotic. Also Mannose D may help.

Her dpression med may not be the one for her, as for another one. This poor woman has been thru a lot. Maybe seeing her son and grands may help a little.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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Well with her husband gone I would have a memorial service for her so she can say goodbye. She did not get closure for that and she may need that. Get some friends, and family together do a little service at her church - we do that for our members. Or you can do that at home set up in the living room a table with husbands picture and a some of his favorite things, arrange chairs in rows and then have a meal of his favorite foods. Allow crying, laughing and a time of remembering.
She may need that for her sister too. As far as her son call him and have him do a facetime with her - I know people are busy but come on 15 minutes on a facetime I do that with my grands and brother every week! She probably needs an anti-depressant probably not a large dose - but speak to her doctor. If you have trouble getting her to the doctor just tell her that "we need to renew your prescriptions so we need to go see the doctor" line and then talk tot he doctor BEFORE her appointment. The gp may need to advocate for her to see a psychiatrist.

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Reply to Ohwow323

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Thank you. That’s actually a good idea to have a memorial. As for my brother. , due to family nonsense he stopped talking to my parents right before her heart surgery last year. I’m doing so he and his daughters who my mother adored have not spoke. Since May of 23 to her. Even with my fathers death it did not prompt him to come to her. I feel that’s what catapulted get into the depression. I appreciate your advice .

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My mother's PCP wrote her a prescription for antidepressants. Go that route and see if it helps your poor mom get back some of her old joie de vivre. She's been thru way too much for way too long now, and I feel for her.

My condolences on the loss of your dear dad.

Best of luck to you.

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Reply to lealonnie1

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Thank you so much. She’s in something but have to increase dosage. Doesn’t seem to be helping much.

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Check the largest health care practice in her area. If they have an internist who specializes in geriatric care, get mom an appointment. They are able and ready to refer to a geriatric psychiatrist in their practice or outside and may be able to speed up the process for you. But they may be able to help your mom right there without referring to a psych.

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Reply to Fawnby

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I didn't read the others reply, so I might be repeating, but I also sometimes like a fresh mind

I'm so sorry, it sounds like your mom is just giving up. Some people can only go through so much pain in there life.

Is your mom on antidepressants? That may help, but also if she is if it's not the right antidepressants, it could make her seem out of touch , like you say

I worry about her getting to attached to you, I understand your trying to help her, but maybe your enabling her a little too much, and helping to much.

Alot could very well be depression and looking like dementia, but also your mom's brain is aging so there could be a little of that also.

I would Google dementia, go on YouTube and educate yourself on all of it, then see if you see signs that you educate yourself about.

Many people, I was one, thought that dementia was all like Alzheimer's, it's not, expesially vascular dementia.

Another red flag I'm seeing is the fact that you mom had sugarys. The anistia can cause worsining brain function.

Best of luck, keep us posted on how things are going

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Reply to Anxietynacy

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That is a Lot of Loss In a short period of time - Triple Bypass and Hip are major surgeries . Losing her Husband . Try In Home Physical therapy and a VNA Nurse to come in and a CNA ( Certified Nurse assistant ) For help bathing and Light House Keeping . Her primary care doctor can order those scripts . Can You get her a Therapist someone to talk to about her grief Like a grief counselor ? ( Primary care doctor can set that up Too ) Can You go on a short vacation to a Place she Loves ? That May help her reconnect to herself and her husband .

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Reply to KNance72

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She has almost every "major stressor" there is when you consult a list of stressors.
This could be depression as you suspect.
has her doctor tried any medications for the depression? Her doctor can refer her to a therapist.
Now...
There is an "official" diagnosis of "Failure to Thrive" It is not thought of a lot, it is not all that common in the grand scheme but it can be used as a "catch all" when other diagnosis fail. From what you have said this could be what you are dealing with. Some of the symptoms are:
Weight loss of more than 5 pounds
decreased appetite
physical inactivity
cognitive and functional decline
social isolation
psychiatric factors
Multiple medical problems.

It might be a good time to have a difficult but honest talk to your mom about what her wishes are and what end of life choices she wants to make. And if she would accept Hospice as an option.

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Reply to Grandma1954

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Your mother’s depression needs better treatment than it’s getting now. She’s definitely been through a lot in a short time, plus having multiple health challenges that will worsen with time. It would be worth seeing a neurologist for a more complete evaluation. If it’s determined she’s truly mentally sound and capable, and her physical condition isn’t too limiting, it’s time to wean her off so much dependency on you. Keep doing the finances, especially if dad always handled it before. But have her be increasingly responsible for her self care. My dad had CHF, it’s a slow, insidious disease that zaps people of their energy over time. He was independent for many years with it. Zoloft was a big help in his later years to keep the sadness and anxiety away. I’m sorry for the loss of your father and all the changes, it’s hard on all, makes it easy to both give up by mom and jump in too much by you. Hope you can find the right balance soon

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Reply to Daughterof1930

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The anesthesia from both surgeries can not only cause dementia type symptoms, but dementia itself, especially in those over the age of 60.
Often it gets better over time and sometimes it does not.
So your mother is now dealing with the loss of her husband, but also perhaps some dementia along with depression.
And I don't know how long your parents were married, but it's also not unusual when one spouse dies in a long term marriage that the other spouse dies shortly thereafter.
So I guess all you can do is try and get a doctor to put her some kind of antidepressant, and perhaps get her involved in some grief counseling.
Sounds like you have your hands full here and I hope you won't jeopardize your health while trying to care for your mother.
She may in the long run need to be placed in the appropriate facility.

Desperately need advice on how to manage my mother's depression.

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