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I am still trying to get out of this depression as it is hard to watch our parents age.

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I am 46, disabled from constant severe back and leg pain as well as having fibromyalgia, diabetes, migraines, on and on...Although if you look at me you can't tell that anything is wrong because I have learned to hide the physical and mental pain that I go thru every day for 14 yrs now. It's a job just to get out of bed every morning. My mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 8 yrs ago and in the last few months was diagnosed with dementia.My dad had been just released from rehab after being in hospital with CHF an he can barely walk and can't take care of himself. I nearly killed myself running between the 2 and going to the Dr.appts. and trying to figure out who can go where and when but I finally get them into assisted living on a memory care floor. I think that the near constant running of the last few months is over. For months I have been doing more than I should because every movement I make makes my back hurt worse to the point I have to lay down. My fibro has been flared up, my arthritis is coming up in new locations and making my knees and hands hurt but no body in my family seems to understand that although I look fine, inside the pain is so bad I can barely move. Once they are in the assisted living though, my dad says I hate it here and I'll hate it here until the day I die and then he told me to leave. My poor mom most of the time is hallucinating, telling you she's been to some party or store but she's pleasant. Although dad told me to leave he regularly call me to demand I get this or that and bring it to him and mom and I'm still the only one making and going to all their appts., paying their bills even though I'm not their POA yet and I'm about to lose my mind! I'm grieving the loss of my friendship with my mom who I was really close to and I've cried for days thinking that I'll never have her back like she was. Oh my goodness, here I go with the crying. My dad makes me so angry I could scream every time he calls or I go over there and se how he treats my mother. I'm in so much physical pain I can barely take it, add all this anxiety, anger grief and stress and you've got 1 mess of a person who is depressed and on meds already but now in deeper depression. There is no one else to help me with them. I only have 1 sibling and he's several states away and rarely comes in. It's all on me and I just can't do all of this. I'm so tired and I hurt so much but there is no one else to take on the problems and their needs and go to their Dr.'s appts. I just want to scream at times "I can't stand this, this is too much for me" but it wont help and I can feel the tension just building up in me making the pain worse. I try to pray and give my burdens to the Lord but somebody has got to do everything for me and I'm the only one to do it even though physically I need to rest, take my meds and rid myself of stress. What do you do?
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You are likely correct about moving toward the next life. He may be dreaming of them often now. Many things happen during our lives that are unexplainable.
Remember to take care of yourself too. Hire someone a few times a week to give yourself a needed break if only for a few hours. Do something nice for yourself. God Bless.
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Aging and its effects take our loved ones and replace them with someone we hardly recognize. Someone they never wanted to be. It can't be helped. It has to be endured - by them and by us. We 'keep on keepin on' as long as possible. We do what we can. Sometimes all we can do is make sure they are cared for. One of the saddest things is to see their minds slip away - if my MIL doesn't remember it - it didn't happen. Talk about frustrating. She has decided to stop taking her incontinence medication. She doesn't remember what it was like without it just six months ago. Her nurse said to allow her to find out what will happen. She will change her mind again. This is CRAZEE and 'This is YOUR Life'
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If it's not normal then I am not normal. It is really hard to see my mother suffer and see her get frustrated with things that she enjoyed doing that she can no longer do. The old lady in the nursing home that yelled and screamed at me and couldn't talk sensibly to me can't possibly be my mother.
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Just want to clarify that the 'mini crises' are health related - things we really have no control over, basically. Seems like something happens every few months - a bout with sciatica which required a hospitalization and then subsequent spinal injections for several months and LOTS of doctor visits, bladder infections - mainly due to not drinking enough fluids despite constant reminders, colds, a fall (she fell at a family reunion - she suffered a 'senior moment' when she forgot she was a senior who needs assistance with everything she does :0( It is hard to watch their health decline. Hard is an understatement.
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I think all caregivers have all of these emotions. We love our parents (I care for my mother in law and do love her) but we are getting older too. Just when we thought we would have time for ourselves - we go from caring for kids to caring for our elders. It can be overwhelming - especially when they are living in the past and their life centers around their decline, their pain, their loss, their grief.

It does get old to care for them and do more and more as they can do less and less. And WHERE IS THE HELP? Sorry, there just isn't enough help. We could all continue on with much less stress IF ONLY family would step in and offer respite. Family members are happy to ignore their parent as well as the caregiver.

I have 'spells' when I think I can't stand another minute of it all - but, thankfully, they don't last forever. We now live from one 'mini crisis' to the next - and each thing that happens just saps more of my MIL's strength. I know she can't last forever. I know that when she goes I will have mixed emotions. I absolutely DREAD finding her - have nightmares about it. So, I hope she is in the hospital or a nursing home before that happens.

I tend to lean more towards good nutrition and vitamins to keep us going. But, realize that sometimes stronger measures are necessary. Everyone's situation is different.

I appreciated something I read in one of Dr. Oz's books. He said stress is all about perception. If we 'perceive' that our stress load is unbearable - then it is. I know that many deal with things that are much more difficult than our situation and manage well. But, sometimes, I perceive that I can't stand another minute of this - and when that happens it would be wonderful to be able to call on another family member and say 'can you take mom for a week and give me a break?' That never happens. We have begged. It doesn't happen. I think that is the saddest part of all of this - that one person should do it all and give up so much and sacrifice everything while other family members (children) have their lives to themselves. They call once a month and visit once a year and feel they have done their part. Sad.
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So normal to feel this way, and so comforting to read that others are going through the same thing. I also want to mention that it is the effect of the length of time the caregiving goes on that compounds the problem of stress, difficulty, and sadness for us. It has kind of a cumulative effect.....it can tend to build. I try not to think about the "good old days" when Dad was young, fit, and of sound mind...because it does us no good! It is helpful to see how Dad's "spirit" seems stronger and stronger as he ages, even as he physically and cognitively deteriorates. Lately he has been talking about his deceased wife and son, as if his spirit is moving toward the "next life".
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I have been feeling this way since my mother in law fell last Easter at church and broke her hip. Her dementia and Parkinson have worsened so much that we had to move her to the assissted side of the senior retirement center. It is bad enough to see her forget that we saw her (see her 2-3 times a wk), to forgetting how to wite checks and pay her own bills. We have had to take over her checkbood for she was writng things and bouncing checks and not remembering what she had done. She is now on the AL side which is very expensive (we have asked for finacncial help from the Methodist Sunday Fund)...but she also has past due pharmacy bills that are sky hiigh. I have been working and fussing with her drs to put her on generic meds instead of all the brand named ones that cost is expensive. It has taken 2 months, but I think I have finally gotten through to them. Between her deteriation, her medicak drs, her bills with no money, I have been so stressed out. Like I said, she is my mom in law and I have been her caregiver for many years (I am also disabled). Her family is very dysfunctional...has a duaghte that comes to see her maybe once every 2 months....and my husband. My mom in law has always been very demanding, "spoiled" (as she tells it)...she worked to keep from raising her kids (they were raised by grandparents until teenagers)....I come from a very close family myself, and have both parents still with me. My mom just found out she has cancer...so I have double stress.....But I am learning through this to take each day at a time, do what I can and turn the rest over to God. For he can do the impossible, where I can only pray for his will to be done. Please do not feel alone, there are many of us out there feeling the same way.....I talk to God a lot and turn problems over to him......praying for you
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My heart goes out to you. I cared for my dad until he died this past weekend. He was 98 and suffered from Parkinson's Disease. He was very robust until about a year ago and then he started to fail very quickly. There were moments when I would get so angry because he was slipping away and did not seem to want to get better. Of course he didn't want to get better...he lived a long life and was getting ready to go but I loved him so much that I wanted him to go on forever or at least until I was ready to go! What you are feeling is not only normal but believe it or not, it is a tribute to your aged parents that you are going through so much emotional turmoil. If you did not love them, it would not affect you so deeply.
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I know how you feel - before my mother went into a Nursing home 3 weeks ago I was at her beck and call all the time. I live half an hours drive away from her but (I suppose because of her dementia) she thought I lived next door! Don't feel guilty about enjoying your 7 weeks of freedom. Although I'm very upset my mother had to go into a Nursing Home, if I'm truthful to myself, I'm also very relieved. Just do what you can for her and remember they do get very selfish in their old age - but it's not for ever.
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if it is not normal...then I am wayyyy out there.. I go through depression and anger and guilt and all kinds of emotions with my mother. She is very alert but her health is failing, she is 83. She spent 7 weeks recently in a home because she was so very sick and they did a lot of rehab with her. Eventually she came home and has been home a week. When asked if I am happy to have my mom home, I cannot say honestly I am happy. I truly enjoyed the 7 weeks of just my life...and when I found out she was coming home, I cried. It wasnt because I dont love her, because I do, I am tired of being the sole responsibility for her...I miss having my life, when she is home, it is all surrounded around her, I even had to get rid of my puppy I had when she had left, because she didnt want him, he was too big for her. But I did it and just went on...she is more important then what I want at this time and I still have a hard time in my head dealing with that...but when all is said and done, I know I am doing what she needs...no matter what.
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mslisadoll,

I certainly is normal to feel sad when we see our parents age. It is an emotion that is painful, yet you need to feel your feelings. Don't push them aside.
My father is 91 and is in a nursing home. He has dementia and heart problems. I feel most sad when the activity at the home is about old times. But, I want to keep on visiting him as much as I can, even though he has a hard time remember who my Mother and I am. He is getting good care there and adjusted immediately. Some days he talks real loud and is really funny, other days he seems to be in a daze with a frozen look on his face. It is even harder for my Mom, they were married 69 years when he went to the NH. My Mom went to assisted living a week later after living in the home where her kids grew up and where they lived for 58 years. Then us kids had to sell the home. So it is much worse for her because my Dad doesn't remember anything and is quite often happy. I also take antidepressants, anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers and still cry often just thinking about both of them. The sadness just comes about. But, knowing that I can take my Mom to see him and other places and add some joy to her life makes me feel better. You hang in there and keep come back to this group. It is so much help to know that others are going through the same thing and we can all help each other. Positive thinking and prayer will also help.
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My heart is sent to you with love and a big hug to let you know that what you are feeling is normal. However, absorb what is going on around you and work with what you have. Learn to appreciate each day and realise that your parents have had a life and have got to be an elderly age. All the elders I know seem ok about being old, it is the carers and love ones that feel the pain. So this shows us that we are greiving our parents younger years, we cannot bring these years back but we can reflect and think how good they were and appreciate each new day. Each age has it's own beauty. We just have to remember to appreciate our life and not mourn what 'was'. I have experienced nearly 4 years of mourning my still 'alive' aging parents, but now they are both in a nursing home and I am now getting my life back and it feels great! I know your smile will return and the negative will be pushed out with the positive. So each day, smile in the morning, afternoon and evening and say things will one day get better. x
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It is very common to feel like this. It's the anniversary of my dads death today and I'll admit that I've cried every day since then. Can't help it. I also cry over my mother being in a Nursing Home and seeing her rapid decline (with dementia). Keep your chin up - God bless.
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Oh yes! Most certainly. What you are experiencing, I am going through the entire same thing, and I've been on an anti-dep. long before my dad came to live with me. I used to get migraines every other day, and my dr. tried me on many things and turned out Paxil keeps them at bay. Paxil back 10 or so years ago was difficult to get used to, I was off the wall for two wks, not sleeping etc. But, it has been a godsend, because I don't know how I would deal with all these issues of caregiving with the migraines. And just the plain stress and hurt of watching it. Give your med time, if it doesn't work after some time, tell your dr. and get on another. Sometimes, in the interim, benzo type drugs can help with the anxiety. I am also on Xanax as needed, but truly nothing can make it go away. It is a very hard job and you being a loving caregiver is wonderful. We have I think, one of the hardest jobs out there, really. I care for my dad and my son. So I want to and actually cut my hair very short out of frustration months ago. I'm there and I get it. Feel free to write. Stay strong.
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Thank you for your advice, Carol. It is good to hear from someone that can relate as it is kind of hard to feel isolated and confused. Your response is appreciated. ;-)
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It's perfectly normal to be upset and even depressed about watching people we love age and get sicker. You seem to be having some really heavy responses, so it's very good that you are seeing a doctor. Anti-depressants take time to work and do have side effects. But if one isn't good, another one may work better. Don't give up. It's normal to feel down about these things, but not to stay in an extremely depressed mode. Keep seeing the doctor and look for support. I hope you'll come back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
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Also, my nerves are so bad it is hard not to get sick to my stomach sometimes. My physician has me on anti depressant meds that is giving me dry mouth and these disrespectful kids around here also drive us nuts when we really need rest and relaxation to have a healthy environment for all of us. It really makes it hard to smile and hard on the self confidence for the sake of our health. Thank you.
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