Mother has slight dementia and confusion. If it weren’t for her physical condition she would be in assisted living. She’s used to being the boss. She wants her credit card and her drivers license back. We tell her no, she can’t have valuables at SNF. She fights with my father (93, frail, but living at home with my sister) about it. She got scammed about 3 years ago ($16,000 cash) and does things like constantly log herself out of MyChart even though the password has never changed. She complains about the loss of autonomy which we get. What about a prepaid credit card? We are not ready to take away her iPad or phone-those are her main social activities as most of the other residents are not able to carry on conversations and there haven’t been many problems (except when she calls me 15 times in a row if I don’t answer, I ignore if I’m busy). She ended up calling the credit card company and thought she was canceling her own card and getting a new one, but because they have had that account since before women could have actual accounts in their own name, it’s my father’s account only and cancelled my father’s card too. She told him she would be getting something in the mail addressed to her and he was not to open it and bring it to her. All that came was a new credit card in my father’s name. Of course we figured it out because she had threatened to cancel her existing card. I thought maybe a prepaid credit card would allow her to buy what she wants online (whatever it is it’s none of MY business she says, suspect it’s a birthday present for father), but if we are ok with losing $500, what’s the harm? I’m not sure she can physically manage typing all the numbers in for a purchase any way, but I say let her go for it.
She has been scammed in the past. She is 85.
She should no longer have access to credit cards, numbers, accounts, passwords or any other crucial financial information.
Because she can no longer protect herself due to her advancing dementia it is time for the family to protect her, whether she wishes that or not. It's pretty much that simple. And she should be told that honestly. Tell her you are sorry about all the losses that she is sustaining, but that it is a part of aging and having the memory problems she has, and that YOU WILL now be keeping her safe, sadly whether she appreciates it or not.
There is no making an elder in this condition "happy". The end of life and all it's losses is not a happy condition. She has lived long and has known unhappiness before. The problem is that you are now assuming a mantle of guilt because you cannot make her happy. No, you can't but you CAN protect her assets, and you should.
You just have to be prepared for a meltdown when that 500.00 is gone and she wants more. Maybe, do 100.00 increments?
Best of luck, my dad had diminished capacity, yet, could still be "in charge" it was hard.
I got her a RAZ Memory phone that looks like an iPhone but has no internet connection, and I control all her contacts for incoming and outgoing calls. She had a hard time with it at first but at least she still gets calls from family approved people and can call out to them. I've disabled the keypad so she can't call up the customer service desks of the companies for her appliances that are "broken" (they're not). I can control if calls 911 or when she is able to make/receive calls. It's been a great product.
You can get her a prepaid cc but it may just get "lost" at the facility...
She won't like any of it, but it's not about what she expects or likes or wants.
My other thing, that not all members agree with me, is when a parent starts abusing the phone, family "loses" it. Just make sure that the Nursing staff knows that family has taken it so they don't search for it.
SOme of this could vary according to whether you / your sibling are : guardians, vs POA versus nothing.
If guardian, then you pretty much fully call the shots. If POA, technically that could be tricky. Technically the elder could have rights to their own money. However as POA , you could say that acting in your fiduciary responsibility, you just cant have her have CC and valuables available, its too risky given her track record so you felt the best thing was to withhold those. Bottom line, you can do what you think is right. Then what is she going to do - call her lawyer to file a claim to force you to bring CC in? I'm not totally sure on this part.
Others may have more experience on the legality of someone wanting access to their own funds/ money.
Are you sure its only "slight memory loss and confusion?" Has anyone assessed her to see if she is competent to do any financial transactions? " YOu could get a doctor to write a letter that she is not mentally competent to do this. Then even show her the letter if she still argues.
Keep her credit cards active, but put passwords or numerical pass coded on them. This way she will not be able to get new credit cards issued in her name if there's a password or pass code on her existing ones.
If you're comfortable with her having a pre-paid debit (not credit) card with limited funds, give it to her. She'll get scammed again only it won't be for $16,000. Whatever you do, do not give her back her driver's license. That will result in a guaranteed identity theft because someone at her facility earning minimum wage or is an illegal immigrant will get a new identity. Your mother's.
Also, start looking around for a different type of facility for your mother to be in. If she isn't totally out-of-it with dementia she does not belong in a place with residents who aren't even able to hold a conversation.
There are such facilities where a married couple can live together when one needs care and one doesn't. There are also nursing homes that are for people who only need medical not memory care. Shop around and do some research. Your mother should not have to live like she is living if she's not out-of-it with dementia.