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I am sole caregiver for mom who has dementia for more than 8 years, I feel horrible for telling my mom you are sh*t. and this is the second time I do that in my life. I just lost my temper. I called mom with this after I spend an hour trying to change her diaper and cloths. all feces on her cloths and diaper. I tried first nicely even I think I was stressed and exhausted. I spent nights sleeping only two to three hours only just to prevent the dirt go outside the bathroom or when I hear something I jump from my bed check on my mom make sure she is okay and did not fall this is going on for months and months. I am so tired and I am fogy. I know this is not an excuse to call mom a name. I do love mom and I feel so horrible. I feel I am really bad ugly daughter. Some time I wish I die for being some time rude to mom. I know God will punish me one day when I get old. Someone much younger than me will treat me hatefully. HATE MYSELF. I pray to God to forgive me. But God will not forgive me each time if I repeat it.
How can I control my temper when I am so tired and fatigue. Mom deserve the best

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You have been a caregiver for 8 years. That is a long time. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are NOT a bad daughter. You're stressed out and you need a break.

Is there someone you can call upon to come and relieve you for a little while? A sibling? An aunt or uncle? Is your mom in a position financially to have some in-home help temporarily while you get away for a while?

None of us can be effective if we're exhausted and burned out. Please look into getting someone to help out so you can get away for a bit. Even for a day. Some nursing homes offer respite care for caregivers where their elderly loved ones go into the facility temporarily (like for a weekend) while the caregiver takes a breather. Please look into this.

You're human, you're exhausted, you're under a lot of stress and you're doing the best you can. Come here and vent. Let it all out and we'll listen and support you.
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I go through the same thing I'm a guy taking care of mom,, I, ve cleaned the bath room many times but she still incest on changing herself but lately not so much , I bought her diapers she through them at me it sucks I need a break , brother died 3 tears ago from drugs sister who lives 4 miles away has come 6 times in last 4 years stayed 20 minutes than had a stroke 6 months ago from drinking 2 boxes a day(why she never came) So it is just me she can't see the tv well and keeps calling me to change the channel I need a break
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You both need respite. What resources do your mom's have? Are the eligible for Medicaid? Are you amenable to discussing nursing home care?
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Mom Has Medicaid but our money is so limited I can't afford even those low pay care places,,, She won't go to a home just had hospice here but unless doc says she ha 6 months to live they can't help She just got Diagnosed with Diverticulitis,, And now I have totake her to the hosking pointpital for more test for her stomach this might be a brea
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Anyway I am glad to hear from you Thanks
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I am sorry about your situation. Please check into medicaid a little further, I think you might be able to get her somewhere and not have to pay. You might be able to find a nice , safe place for her. Good luck.
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It is very important for you to Google "free caregiver support groups,(your zip code)". Your local area will hopefully have a facility that offers them as part of their community service. These support groups are a valuable resource of your local benefits and support available in your area. They might be able to hook you up with a pro bono lawyer that will set up community medicaid for you. Then you would have some at home help for "free" . Also, try a church. I have not had luck with that but I am considering trying to start an "Adult Day" at my church...I'm already caregiving maybe for an hour when other caregivers drop off their people I'll be able to start a network. If your people are not mobile definately talk to someone on the phone. Church, hospital social worker, Adult care facility, they might be able to point you in some direction that will get you closer to being able to sleep and not worry.
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What do you mean when you say "low pay care places"?

I understand that your mother does not wish to enter a nursing home, but if you die or become disabled due to the stress of caregiving, she'll end up in a nursing home with no one to visit or watch out for her.

I think you should visit some nursing homes, just to assure yourself that there are good ones out there.

If she goes into the hospital and is there for three days, she should be eligible for 20 days of rehab, paid for by Medicare. Make sure that the discharge planners are helping you to find a nh that we'll accept Medicaid patients.

Have you looked into Adult Day Care in your area? To her, you call it The Senior Center.
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Dear, dear Hope14
Many many of us will have that same awful feeling of sometimes cracking and calling our beloved Mom - or other loved one we are caring for - awful, despicable names. We don't mean it - it is just that our loved ones are so difficult sometimes (through no fault of their own, just this damn disease) that we just crack.
The wonderful thing is that our loved ones forget...we don't, and tear ourselves apart with guilt... But blissfully they completely forget, just as they forget and deny they've done or said what made us crack in the first case!
I have no doubt will be merciful to us in our sorrow of not being SUPER carer. He knows what is in our heart and will not chastise us even though we may fall again.

Take heart dear friend. We are all in this together.
Big big hug to you from New Zealand!
Charlotte
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How do you do it all on your own? You are amazing! My only suggestion is to seriously look into a nursing facility , maybe even a county facility , I realize your mom may not like the idea , but as one post said, if you get seriously ill, or even die the state will do that any way . having said that, if you decide on that , you can go every day, participate in her care and have LESS STRESS so you might be free to easily show your mom how much you really love her. Wouldn't you prefer someone do that for you when your time comes? You are too good to be true and if you believe in God He has surely blessed you with a huge dose of compassion and knows your limitations!! Hang in there and best of luck!!
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You are not a bad person, you are human! My goodness - eight years of this with no help. Please do as was suggested and check further into Medicaid and call all of the social services organizations in your area. They often pay for a few hours of respite. Some of that may come from a human services organization and occasionally these hours go to waste because people don't know about the programs.

You must have a break for your sake and your mother's.

Please update us. We want to hear back,
Carol
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I could have written your post - I think many of us long-time caregivers feel the same at one time or another or even many times due to the stress. There is also the physical burn-out which takes a toll. All the answers are really good so I hope you can find some ideas to try. If you can't find someone who can give you a break by staying with your mom at home even for a brief period, try to find one of the senior centers who offer respite car during the day. Even a few hours could help give you a break. Most importantly, don't beat yourself up about losing your temper - we are all human and caregiving for a parent who has dementia and/or other health problems - is tremendously taxing and difficult. People who haven't done it have no idea. Take care and sending you a big hug.
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Dear Hope14, caregiving is one of the most stressful things someone
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You are suffering caregiver burn-out. Suggestions.
1. Find respite care so you can take time for yourself-away from your mother.
2. Learn to meditate.
3. Get 30 minutes of exercise everyday.
4. See if there is a facility that will take your mother-Make sure you throughly understand Medicaid before you dismiss it as an option.
5. Find a support group for yourself and stick with going to its meetings.
You desperately need help for coping with your mother. Absolutely no one can do it by themselves.
Take care of yourself.
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Will ever have to do. You are only human as we all are and emotions can get the better of us. Stop beating yourself up, let it go and move on. No one can blame you. I do agree you need help or respite. Please take some time to find some help. Who cares for mom while you shop? If you are her only caregiver respite is essential for your health. I dont know what state you live in but here in michigan Medicaid will pay for in home help. Call Area Agency on Aging they know all the resources for low income elderly.
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I am not sure what exactly your situation is but it sounds, when you say 'we' don't have much money that you may be living on her social security or whatever her resources are alone. You may have painted yourself into a financial corner, meaning that if all she has is her limited income, while that would be enough for her to exist on Medicaid, it would leave you without resources. So you and your mother, whose mind isn't all there, are left in this 'bag' like a couple of cats, together. This is not criticism but an assessment of your situation, which would explain why you feel so powerless and angry all the time. I would be too! Since you do not list your age or your work experience, I don't know what your options would be if your mother were to be placed in a Medicaid covered ltc facility and you were to be 'free' to pursue your own income and life. On the face of it, if that is at all a possibility, I would look into doing that. I have a very close friend who recently lost her husband at 59. She had not worked in over 25 years and he had brain cancer for four, during which they went through financial ruin and lost their home. Her credit was completely wrecked. She had to get a job for the first time and enter the working world at 57. I say this because she thought she couldn't do it but it's been 18 months and she surprisingly is doing much better than she ever would have thought. Don't know, but perhaps you are kind of 'hiding' from the inevitable by staying stuck in this situation, which sounds as if emotionally it is killing you. I heard a lot of comments above about how much you have on your plate and how you are not a bad person. I would think both of those things are true. You have guilt about what you are saying and doing. But if this were a child and you were doing the same thing, no one would tell you it is ok to do, that you just have a lot on your plate. I think you know this is not right and it is not going in a good direction. If you call 211 you can access a number of community services to help you and your mother in this situation. It may take a while to get things worked out. The way this sounds, you would be better off and so would she, if she were in a place where she was kept warm, safe and healthy and you visited her while you got a life of your own. Your self esteem sounds leveled. You internal 'voice' is screaming at you. That is called instinct. Listen to it. Something needs to change asap.
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This was me last year prior to my mom passing away. So many bad days because of being worn out with minimal help. I look back with so many regrets and ask the same thing about God's forgiveness. I did though check with the Division of Aging for the county I live in. Through the Caregiver Act they are able to provide a certain number of hours of free care. Just sitting with my mom but that was what I needed. They came 4 hours a week but that amount varies based on their determination of income etc. I hope you can contact your Division of Aging and obtain this same service. Bless you - you are not a horrible daughter!! You will think that forever but you're not. Your mom isn't your mom right now and you aren't you. Taking care of someone with dementia changes things so much and you just have to find what works for you. Best of luck and hugs to you!
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I am connected to several churches and one has a volunteer who comes to give sitters a break- no charge. Call Area Agencies on Aging and ask if there are any Senior Volunteers who will come on a regular basis no charge to sit with your Mom and give you a break.

We found a convent - Sister Servants of Mary - their sole ministry is to sit at night with the sick and the dying to give the family a break. When my 90 year old father was dying. He is gone now.

Sometimes when I get angry and say harsh things they are things that need to be said and that my 91 year old Mom needs to hear.

I am the sole caregiver for my Mom but I have several people - my son is one -who watch her no charge on a regular basis so I can get out and live a normal life for a few hours a week. Also a cousin of hers picks her up and takes her to church.

Found a home schooling network and paid a teenager $8 an hour to come sit do her homework while I went out. I do however prefer volunteer sitters.

Ask your Higher Power of God as you understand Him for help.

Keep the faith - this too shall pass.
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This is a difficult situation and you are working beyond your physical and emotional limits…anyone would snap. I suspect that you are telling yourself "I'm tough and I can do this" and you are pushing well beyond what is healthy for you and your mom. Caregivers have the gene you know…."we can do this". Well…you cannot and what you are seeing is your own emotional and physical health failing and you should strongly consider the fact that you are not a bad person and God is not going to get you. You are exhausted and if anything, I believe the God I know sees this and understands. I recommend that you find an excellent nursing home in your area and present them with your mom's financial situation. They are well versed in seeing this and knowing what can and cannot be done. The administration can direct you and tell you what needs to be done to get her into the proper care facility. Then, you can go and see her and check on her as appropriate as a rested daughter who is taking back the control of her life. Good luck!
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This happened to me yesterday (again). I always feel the same guilt as you and today is Sunday so I take her to church. It really does play havoc on your mind, body and soul but hearing others here confirm that we are human and "how many others in the family help?" Helps me gain ground again. Like you and many of us here, I love my mother dearly... That's why I (we) try to do our best to take care of them. Is it 'fair' or 'just' if we are 'punished' because we are overextended/overworked... I don't think so. There are too many pressures placed us us and this 'stage' of life is a rough road for all of us (that's why the majority step back and don't help). I've had my mom with me for 11 years now... It's a roller coaster ride, but the love is always the same. Your mom knows how much you love her. Push yourself to get rest, be kind to yourself so you don't get ill.
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I am at the end of caring for my husband of 63 years. It has been hell. I found that I "name" his different personalities since he isn't himself, which warns those who DO help that "Joe" is around and be careful. When I have a free moment such as now, I write and write and write. I have over 100 pages of journal. I cry. I call out to God as I thought He forgot me, but He doesn't. I searched for a person that needed some extra money that I knew and have her come and "babysit". Fortunately, she cared for her mother as you are, through Alzheimer's and knows the problems. Is she on hospice? All states have some kind of elder department that can give you some aid. But this doesn't mean that she will be nice to you. She will be the same ornery person that you have been seeing. Mine is a stroke patient and I keep reminding myself that I cannot argue with a stroke. You cannot argue with dementia. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and see if you can find some help from church members, friends or a state agency. I have found that places that advertise help, charge $25 an hour and are not that great...so far. The best help is someone who has been in "your shoes" and if you pay them something, they may be the answer. It is only a few hours a week, but it is something. My husband just came back from respite...five days for me. He probably will not last long. He does not eat nor drink. I still love him, but he is a body for which I am caring. God bless you. Lots of hugs.
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you are a wonderful person. You are exhausted and that is just being a human. be nicer to yourself.
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I cared for my mother for many years and now care for husband who has asbestosis heart and liver cirrhosis! I do have a cleaner once a week thank goodness and a friend whom I pay to help fro 3 hours a week but I am close to melt down now! I am so tired and get very angry when husband criticizes me. Its inevitable - no guilt complex I now realize. It just goes with the territory as another member commented we are only human - not robots! But we do need a break and more care from somewhere. There is advice and help out there.
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We can be so hard on ourselves. A bad thing I do is that I'm always convicting myself. Anger and resentment are supposed to be sinful feelings, so when I'm poked and prodded to anger, I feel bad about myself. If I were the person I should be, then I wouldn't feel those things. If I stand back and look, though, I realize that what I'm going through is beyond the point that most people could tolerate without feeling something. I think it is understandable that we feel anger and resentment, so we need not to convict ourselves for feeling them. We do need help, but that is easier said than done in many states of the country. Sometimes the choices can be like the rock or the hard place. If family is involved or if there is plenty of money (or none at all), the options can be softer.
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When I feel close to losing it with Mom (97 with dementia), I sing my favorite hymn, out loud but quietly.

I shift my focus inward and don't look her in the face until I feel calm again. Above all, I do not speak.

Sometimes it's difficult to remember that Mom's difficult behavior isn't a personal attack on me. She can't help it. I try and approach the task at hand as just another item on my to-do.

Blessings for a peaceful existence for both of you.
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I can't add more than others have added. But God bless you for taking care of your mom all on your own for eight years. Your mom knows that you love her and there are many children that would not have taken that on. Even though there's not much money, can you afford $10-$15 and check Home Hero or Care? Even if you could do only a few hours a month, perhaps even talking to these people would lead you to more resources. You know, one thing leads to another. FYI. You're not the only one who has gotten mad at their mom:)
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I don't know way your mom's medical coverage is. . .
I desperately needed a break ( dad has only been with me one year but his medical needs have been overwhelming).

When dad fell I used it to my advantage and told the doctor that dad could not come home because he needed additional supervision while he regained his strength and I was unable to provide it. The doctor referred a case manager to us and they arranged to him to go to a nursing home for two weeks.

My advise, if you have this care available to you, take full advantage of it. REALLY build up that mom needs assistance walking becauae of the pain associated with walking with the diverticulitis, that thou are unable to have her art home until she can manage a little better on her own. I'd leave the diaper diaperissue out of the equation - isn't she having this problem BECAUSE of the divertriculitis? In my dad's case the stay itself was covered but they mandated medical transport that wasn't covered. I told them that he didn't have the money to pay and I wasn't in a position to cover his medical expenses; they ended up waiving the transport fees.

I had the best 2 weeks that he was there. - they changed my life. With the advise from people on this site giving me the emotional strength I needed, I took my home and my life back and things have been much better since dad has returned home.

Good luck. Ive lifted a prayer of strength for you and one of thanks fur the wonderful job you're doing.
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dear caretakers....we all get it! I was at a breaking point at a time when caring for my parents because i was so hard on myself to get things done! i luckily found a way thru this anger, but I remember having thoughts of suicide too!! I felt soooo trapped, I just couldn't see through to the other side!! The more tired you are...and not setting bounderies with your loved ones...the less hope you have! Luckily, I broke and found a way out of this when I was at my lowest. Good answers here....keep posting that helps relieve stress too. How about caretakers meetings in your area? That would be great and you might find the resources you need there also!!
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I am in your shoes no family at all. I called my mom a bitch other day. I have not had a good night sleep forever and I take mom to daycare. Don't beat yourself up. I have done same thing and good news is they don't remember it. If your and my mom were in their right mind, they would not want this for us. I have been doing this for four yrs , but soon will have to place in nh. I don't know how you have managed 8 yrs. I am 64 with heart stent and back trouble and made that worse by pulling mom out of floor few nights ago. I have also told god to get f.... Ked. I look tired.Have been on antidepressants and was better but had to come off due to stomach problems maybe they would help you. Daycare has been my only saving grace. I hate hate idea of NH but feel no choice now.This is going to kill me or I'm going to kill me if I don't do something.i feel your pain and hope you'll make one of these decisions . I don't like hollering at my mom so hopefully thus will be better for her also. I know about all night up and down and listening out unable to relax. I can't keep mom dry pees all night. Have tried all the pull-ups cause shell still get on Bsc but too Kate any suggestions?
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I have only been a caregiver for 2 years and I know all to well what you mean. My husband has moderate( whatever that means) dementia and on the whole is pretty laid back, but he has agitated days and if I'm tired or stressed I can be short with him and start a row. I know that I shouldn't and I feel guilty after. I know it is the disease and not him, but at the moment I don't care. I'm not a natural caregiver, it's a stretch for me, but I can only keep trying.
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