When caring for someone, how much stress is too much and what does this stress do to our bodies?

I have to say that since talking to my mother things have changed quite a bit. I explained that my body was at its limit, at first she was angry but now has had time to think about it, and now she tells me that I should take some time for myself. I put my foot down now and let her know I'm going to bed. I now tell her when she's being mean to me or crabby then she'll apologize and try to be nicer.

I'm so sorry that you've been put in this situation! My heart goes out to you. I'm in a very similar situation. I used to do counted cross-stitch, quilt, paint, write, amoung many other hobbies I really enjoyed. Now I do nothing, since living with my mom and s-dad who I'm the sole caregiver for. They don't like lights on. The house is dark and lacks joy. All I do now is what I must for them, and then stay in bed most all day everyday. The stress of caring for others (physically & emotionally) has made my chronic pain conditions and depression 100 times worse. I have panic attacks. I grieve losing all of my middle aged years... years that we can't get back. I'm on Disability myself for CRPS/FIBRO/RSD/SEVERE DEPRESSION, yet I'm the only one to care for these people. My mom knows and see's the pain I'm in, but they have needs they want & need met. They absolutely refuse outside help and since it's their house & they're of sound mind, I can't demand they accept help other than myself. I love my mother, but would move out fast if I could. Being on disability I have no money to move, and cannot get any Assistance b/c "I make too much money." Stress will cause illness, or cause existing problems to get worse!!! I wish you could get some respite and peace. You deserve it and NEED it. I find that praying helps alot. I'll certainly be praying for you! Keep sharing your concerns, anxieties and how you're doing, here with others who understand and are here to love and support you. (((HUGS))) ~ Kathy

I want to tell you stress can do horrible things to you... I have been helping my Mother before and since my Father passed away. Recently she moved to what is called independent senior housing. It is a lovely home, she has a beautiful apartment with her own things. She gets one meal a day and housekeeping. She has people to talk with and yet if she wants to be alone she has that opportunity too. It was a good decision for all of us. My biggest issue with her is that she does not want to take her medication. I know I cannot make her however I am concerned about what will happen if she does not. She had a heart attack not two weeks after my Father passed away. She says and I am sure it is true that her heart was broken and she does not need the medicine. I have tried to reason with her and it is just not possible... Anyone have a suggestion.

My first thought when I read this question:

"When caring for someone, how much stress is too much and what does this stress do to our bodies?"

...anyone asking this question has probably already experienced too much stress - to the point that is the stress is affecting their physical/emotional/spiritual health. If your primary care doctor is recommending professional mental health services, GO! Typically, primary care doctors only recommend such services in the most extreme cases (this may or may not be true for your doc.) Also, find and participate in caregivers support groups in your community. Also, remember that no matter what you do, whether you take care of yourself or not, your mother will probably still call you selfish and lazy. It's not about you and you cannot control her thinking. You can decide how much power you give to her negativity. Blessings to you both.

Amen, Eddie, I hope, AlL, that you heed sooner than I did to the signals your body is sending you. It happened to me- twice. I am blessed. I have only slight weakness on the left side. Please AlL and everyone else. Listen. I continued on with caregiving for another 8 years or so (although he was only finally identified in early 2011). Caregiving can be grueling. Here I was 49 years old with two strokes under my belt.

Last night I made the decision to have my beloved prof placed. He is in a manic state and has been brutal towards our 17 year old son. I placed him several (3) days in a behavior observation unit hoping medications would resolve our issues. While it has only been 3 days, the severity of the behavior totally impeded my faith in keeping us safe. He had been in a tyrant for two days, sleeping very little. Moment by moment the intensity increased. He literally seethed in anger. He was particularly paranoid that evening, a behavior I thought I was becoming accustomed to. He lined up all his things on his dresser, hiding his most precious things (his keys and his wallet) in another drawer under some clothes. When he opened the drawer, he has a small collection of knives. He began to fondle the knifes, lining them up in the drawer. Then he pulled out his favorite knife, one with an etched bone handle. This one is about six inches long, very sharp, very pointed, and is kept shined at all times since i have known him. We've been married 24 years. He pulls out this knife, and begins to stroke the knife, then turns his eyes and glares at me, strokes the knife, glares at me, hate permeating in his eyes. This lasted for five minutes. He finally carefully puts the knife back in his drawer and pulls out a bullet, and lays it on the dresser. I slept very little. The next morning he woke me, still irate from the night before. After a couple of hours and a phone call to his dad, he finally took his medications. I slipped him an ambien, hoping it would break up his behavior. As he began to mellow with the ambien, I talked him into taking a hot shower and change clothes, loaded him up in the car, and began our venture to find help. After an all morning adventure, he was finally admitted to an ER, was all ready beginning to show signs of agitation, so the ER sedated him again. He was admitted to the psych unit for a med eval.

I was covered in a cloud, walking around like I was in a mayonnaise jar. I thought and prayed and thought and prayed and went through every emotion from guilt to hate for being put in this situation to questioning what if this medication appeared to work, he lapses with no warning as he has been doing, and tries to kill or kills his family: his son and I. I have gone from crying to feelings of pure relief to feelings that I have failed.

I was driving to pick up our son. The hospital wanted to observe Prof with Jack and I before (are you ready for this) they released him today. I was praying and crying, and I don't know what happened. Maybe I just shut up and listened, but a voice in my head clearly stated, 'the knife changes everything.' That was it. I made my decision. It is the saddest thing I have every had to do, but it is the right thing to do.

I'd appreciate your prayers. We are so young, but no matter what age, this is a very painful act. Hugs to you all, today. I'll be popping in through out the day until I finally drift off today. I did not sleep at all last night, but do feel a peace this morning. Namaste, Lyn

Dear Larck, Please take care of yourself. This not getting enough sleep is very disturbing to me. Sleep is very important. Some studies say that not enough sleep can cause cancer, hence the name the graveyard shift. If it were me, I would move her into a facility of some kind and take my life back, either that or hire some help for about five days a week to help you. Sure she won't like it, but too bad. You have have health to take care of. If it continues like this, then after she is gone, you won't have your health and it won't have been worth it.

Thanks to all who have commented. I sat down with my mom and told her all the things that were bugging me and I think its helping. The pain is disappearing-the pain may also have been caused from mold that I had found in my room a couple of months ago (we think it was black mold), so I've been in the process of getting out of that room and now in a different room with no problems. The doctor and nurse thinks the mold was slowly making me sicker and sicker. Black mold can kill a person. All my symptoms have disappeared upon getting out of that room and also when I sat down and discussed things with my mom.

I remember coming to this site a couple of months ago saying exactly what you have posted here. Like you stress was killing me, and had manifested itself into daily headaches, then migraines, a tiredness that was overwhelming and I was angry all the time. Looking after my 84 year old mother nearly made me go mad. It wasn't until I got to this site which lead me to the website daughers of narcissistic mothers, that gave me the biggest wake up call ever.

Now my mother is in full time care (much to her horror) but with support I learnt exactly how to deal with it. I no longer have headaches or that tiredness and depression and I am happy again. We deserve lives too, and the more you give to your mother the more she will expect, once you can deal with the guilt of putting your foot down and saying 'no more' you will find your health will slowly improve, but when you're stuck in it you won't can't think straight.

My mother is behaving so much better with the little digs now and again which get ignored and not tolerated anymore, I am free now to put my life back together and live this life I've been given, once you take back control, it is an incrediable feeling. Oh and she has 24/7 care and is well cared for where she is...a win win for all in my opinion.

I agree but it is hard to do taking your life back I am trying but my parents take almost every minute of my life. I am getting ready after Christmas to start planning the garden which I enjoy so mush. I live close so I have to stay almost 24/7 a few hours off a day at my house. I have given up everything on the outside world but I am holding on to the computor my garden and my friends on the internet. They have been pac rats as I have but I want to get rid of my stuff as I watch the show on TV I do not want to end up that bad. My dad will not get rid of anything and has been rather stingy in his life so when this is over I will have to go to work cleaning up the estates both my dad's and my grandparents which he owns plus mine so the rest of my life will be cleaning up all the messes. My brother who really helps very little plus would not ever consider giving up his life will come out like a bandit as he gets half of everything they own and I do all the work. I get angry when I think of all the work I do and it will never be enought. But they are my parents and they have had a hard life and worked very hard.I am not sure that when it it all over and the work is to begin that I won't just get some personal items out and then burn all the old buildings there would be no insurance on them out in the country so noone would get hurt or no claims. I am sure I won't do that but I sure am temped if there is any money left after this is over it will take it to clean everything up. Wishing everyone a very Happy Merry Christmas and Blessed New Year.

Was she a slavedriver when you were little? Even with the stroke, she's still in control. ... Where you go, what to wear where, etc..

It looks like you're heading for a stroke, and the only way to prevent that is to serve notice you're taking charge of your own life. If she doesn't like it, then give her a phone so she can make other arrangements as it looks to me she's recovering quite well.

Heaven forbid you have some sort of breakdown. Instead of taking responsibility for it, she'll try to make you feel guilty for that too. After all, how dare you have a stroke when there are so many things you're supposed to be doing for her? Her needs, her wants, her whims: who's going to cater to them?

Best Xmas present you can give yourself is taking your life back.

My health problems started about 3 -4 years ago. While I neglected to take care of myself because of taking care of mom. I developed some serious problems and am looking at 2 surgeries.....stemming from stress. One in which the cure is worse than the problem and I will fight having to get it. I walked around for months (all summer) with bacterial pnemounia and didn't go to doc,. Now they are pumping me with all kinds of meds, my immune system is racing 100 miles an hour just to keep up. My mom is not demanding and is a sweetheart. It is just the stress, worry, lack of freedom and giving up your life that takes a toll on you. I do have a lot of work that falls on me because of her.... it's like running a mini nursing home with 1 employee.
On a good note for Christmas my daughter and son in law gave us a night stay at the JW Marriott (this swank new luxurous hotel in Indianapolis) and they are going to come and stay with mom so we can get away for the weekend. Ahhhhhh, it is a dream come true. You have to get out. I hire a caregiver service for the important things that I can't miss. I have missed so many of my grandkids events, but no more. But I just started doing it lately, because doc said I need to get out. So long story.....whatever it takes, try to get respite care and get out. It is very hard to to, sometimes almost impossible.
DO NOT neglect yourself like I did. I'm paying for it now.

You know, I read Jeanne's answer and it sounds perfect to me and is what I would say to someone else as well. Funny but it's just not as easy when you are the person having to put your foot down. My mom is supposed to be in the hospital right now for depression. Dr. wants her there. What happened? She begged me not to bring her and so, once again, I give in. My mom too demands every minute of my time. I have a wonderful marriage to a man I hardly see anymore due to my time spent with mom (she lives with us). I went to the cleaners yesterday, was gone for 1/2 hour and she was livid that we took so long! She just can't comprehend things now. The dementia is moving fast. I've tried making appts with pshycologists etc but I always seem to have an emergency that makes me come last. Sad really because if we aren't healthy, we can't take care of anyone. I really wish you the best and please know that your stress can only be hurting you. Go seek help. I'm on mega doses of prozac at this point. Your mom doesn't want you to go because she grew up in the era where having depression or stress was looking down upon and you certainly didn't take meds for it. My mom is the same.
A big hug to you and have a blessed Holiday!

Does your mom see the irony in only wanting her lazy selfish daughter to take care of her? You gotta either laugh or cry.

I don't know whether stress is causing your health problems, but it sure as heck isn't helping any.

You certainly don't need your mother's permission to go to a mental health clinic. Go. It is very hard to take care of your mother and of your own health at the same time. Hard, but essential. If you have to slack off a little with your mother while you focus on your needs for a while, so be it.

When your mother was taking care of you, did she ask your permission to bring in a babysitter? You need help. Your mother doesn't get to dictate how many hours you have to devote to her. You are the decision-maker in this situation. Seeing a mental health counselor will help you establish boundaries and to take an adult role even if your mother still sees you as a child under her control.

Your sick mother is experiencing a lot of stress, too. It is very admirable that you are committed to helping her inspite of her poor behavior. I am not at all suggesting that you stop caring for her. But you need to do it on your terms. Get some help -- first for your self, and then to help you care for Mom.

You are not going crazy, you are just caught up in a crazy situation.