When caring for someone, how much stress is too much and what does this stress do to our bodies?

Does your mom see the irony in only wanting her lazy selfish daughter to take care of her? You gotta either laugh or cry.

I don't know whether stress is causing your health problems, but it sure as heck isn't helping any.

You certainly don't need your mother's permission to go to a mental health clinic. Go. It is very hard to take care of your mother and of your own health at the same time. Hard, but essential. If you have to slack off a little with your mother while you focus on your needs for a while, so be it.

When your mother was taking care of you, did she ask your permission to bring in a babysitter? You need help. Your mother doesn't get to dictate how many hours you have to devote to her. You are the decision-maker in this situation. Seeing a mental health counselor will help you establish boundaries and to take an adult role even if your mother still sees you as a child under her control.

Your sick mother is experiencing a lot of stress, too. It is very admirable that you are committed to helping her inspite of her poor behavior. I am not at all suggesting that you stop caring for her. But you need to do it on your terms. Get some help -- first for your self, and then to help you care for Mom.

You are not going crazy, you are just caught up in a crazy situation.

You know, I read Jeanne's answer and it sounds perfect to me and is what I would say to someone else as well. Funny but it's just not as easy when you are the person having to put your foot down. My mom is supposed to be in the hospital right now for depression. Dr. wants her there. What happened? She begged me not to bring her and so, once again, I give in. My mom too demands every minute of my time. I have a wonderful marriage to a man I hardly see anymore due to my time spent with mom (she lives with us). I went to the cleaners yesterday, was gone for 1/2 hour and she was livid that we took so long! She just can't comprehend things now. The dementia is moving fast. I've tried making appts with pshycologists etc but I always seem to have an emergency that makes me come last. Sad really because if we aren't healthy, we can't take care of anyone. I really wish you the best and please know that your stress can only be hurting you. Go seek help. I'm on mega doses of prozac at this point. Your mom doesn't want you to go because she grew up in the era where having depression or stress was looking down upon and you certainly didn't take meds for it. My mom is the same.
A big hug to you and have a blessed Holiday!

My health problems started about 3 -4 years ago. While I neglected to take care of myself because of taking care of mom. I developed some serious problems and am looking at 2 surgeries.....stemming from stress. One in which the cure is worse than the problem and I will fight having to get it. I walked around for months (all summer) with bacterial pnemounia and didn't go to doc,. Now they are pumping me with all kinds of meds, my immune system is racing 100 miles an hour just to keep up. My mom is not demanding and is a sweetheart. It is just the stress, worry, lack of freedom and giving up your life that takes a toll on you. I do have a lot of work that falls on me because of her.... it's like running a mini nursing home with 1 employee.
On a good note for Christmas my daughter and son in law gave us a night stay at the JW Marriott (this swank new luxurous hotel in Indianapolis) and they are going to come and stay with mom so we can get away for the weekend. Ahhhhhh, it is a dream come true. You have to get out. I hire a caregiver service for the important things that I can't miss. I have missed so many of my grandkids events, but no more. But I just started doing it lately, because doc said I need to get out. So long story.....whatever it takes, try to get respite care and get out. It is very hard to to, sometimes almost impossible.
DO NOT neglect yourself like I did. I'm paying for it now.

Was she a slavedriver when you were little? Even with the stroke, she's still in control. ... Where you go, what to wear where, etc..

It looks like you're heading for a stroke, and the only way to prevent that is to serve notice you're taking charge of your own life. If she doesn't like it, then give her a phone so she can make other arrangements as it looks to me she's recovering quite well.

Heaven forbid you have some sort of breakdown. Instead of taking responsibility for it, she'll try to make you feel guilty for that too. After all, how dare you have a stroke when there are so many things you're supposed to be doing for her? Her needs, her wants, her whims: who's going to cater to them?

Best Xmas present you can give yourself is taking your life back.

I agree but it is hard to do taking your life back I am trying but my parents take almost every minute of my life. I am getting ready after Christmas to start planning the garden which I enjoy so mush. I live close so I have to stay almost 24/7 a few hours off a day at my house. I have given up everything on the outside world but I am holding on to the computor my garden and my friends on the internet. They have been pac rats as I have but I want to get rid of my stuff as I watch the show on TV I do not want to end up that bad. My dad will not get rid of anything and has been rather stingy in his life so when this is over I will have to go to work cleaning up the estates both my dad's and my grandparents which he owns plus mine so the rest of my life will be cleaning up all the messes. My brother who really helps very little plus would not ever consider giving up his life will come out like a bandit as he gets half of everything they own and I do all the work. I get angry when I think of all the work I do and it will never be enought. But they are my parents and they have had a hard life and worked very hard.I am not sure that when it it all over and the work is to begin that I won't just get some personal items out and then burn all the old buildings there would be no insurance on them out in the country so noone would get hurt or no claims. I am sure I won't do that but I sure am temped if there is any money left after this is over it will take it to clean everything up. Wishing everyone a very Happy Merry Christmas and Blessed New Year.

I remember coming to this site a couple of months ago saying exactly what you have posted here. Like you stress was killing me, and had manifested itself into daily headaches, then migraines, a tiredness that was overwhelming and I was angry all the time. Looking after my 84 year old mother nearly made me go mad. It wasn't until I got to this site which lead me to the website daughers of narcissistic mothers, that gave me the biggest wake up call ever.

Now my mother is in full time care (much to her horror) but with support I learnt exactly how to deal with it. I no longer have headaches or that tiredness and depression and I am happy again. We deserve lives too, and the more you give to your mother the more she will expect, once you can deal with the guilt of putting your foot down and saying 'no more' you will find your health will slowly improve, but when you're stuck in it you won't can't think straight.

My mother is behaving so much better with the little digs now and again which get ignored and not tolerated anymore, I am free now to put my life back together and live this life I've been given, once you take back control, it is an incrediable feeling. Oh and she has 24/7 care and is well cared for where she is...a win win for all in my opinion.

Thanks to all who have commented. I sat down with my mom and told her all the things that were bugging me and I think its helping. The pain is disappearing-the pain may also have been caused from mold that I had found in my room a couple of months ago (we think it was black mold), so I've been in the process of getting out of that room and now in a different room with no problems. The doctor and nurse thinks the mold was slowly making me sicker and sicker. Black mold can kill a person. All my symptoms have disappeared upon getting out of that room and also when I sat down and discussed things with my mom.

Dear Larck, Please take care of yourself. This not getting enough sleep is very disturbing to me. Sleep is very important. Some studies say that not enough sleep can cause cancer, hence the name the graveyard shift. If it were me, I would move her into a facility of some kind and take my life back, either that or hire some help for about five days a week to help you. Sure she won't like it, but too bad. You have have health to take care of. If it continues like this, then after she is gone, you won't have your health and it won't have been worth it.

Amen, Eddie, I hope, AlL, that you heed sooner than I did to the signals your body is sending you. It happened to me- twice. I am blessed. I have only slight weakness on the left side. Please AlL and everyone else. Listen. I continued on with caregiving for another 8 years or so (although he was only finally identified in early 2011). Caregiving can be grueling. Here I was 49 years old with two strokes under my belt.

Last night I made the decision to have my beloved prof placed. He is in a manic state and has been brutal towards our 17 year old son. I placed him several (3) days in a behavior observation unit hoping medications would resolve our issues. While it has only been 3 days, the severity of the behavior totally impeded my faith in keeping us safe. He had been in a tyrant for two days, sleeping very little. Moment by moment the intensity increased. He literally seethed in anger. He was particularly paranoid that evening, a behavior I thought I was becoming accustomed to. He lined up all his things on his dresser, hiding his most precious things (his keys and his wallet) in another drawer under some clothes. When he opened the drawer, he has a small collection of knives. He began to fondle the knifes, lining them up in the drawer. Then he pulled out his favorite knife, one with an etched bone handle. This one is about six inches long, very sharp, very pointed, and is kept shined at all times since i have known him. We've been married 24 years. He pulls out this knife, and begins to stroke the knife, then turns his eyes and glares at me, strokes the knife, glares at me, hate permeating in his eyes. This lasted for five minutes. He finally carefully puts the knife back in his drawer and pulls out a bullet, and lays it on the dresser. I slept very little. The next morning he woke me, still irate from the night before. After a couple of hours and a phone call to his dad, he finally took his medications. I slipped him an ambien, hoping it would break up his behavior. As he began to mellow with the ambien, I talked him into taking a hot shower and change clothes, loaded him up in the car, and began our venture to find help. After an all morning adventure, he was finally admitted to an ER, was all ready beginning to show signs of agitation, so the ER sedated him again. He was admitted to the psych unit for a med eval.

I was covered in a cloud, walking around like I was in a mayonnaise jar. I thought and prayed and thought and prayed and went through every emotion from guilt to hate for being put in this situation to questioning what if this medication appeared to work, he lapses with no warning as he has been doing, and tries to kill or kills his family: his son and I. I have gone from crying to feelings of pure relief to feelings that I have failed.

I was driving to pick up our son. The hospital wanted to observe Prof with Jack and I before (are you ready for this) they released him today. I was praying and crying, and I don't know what happened. Maybe I just shut up and listened, but a voice in my head clearly stated, 'the knife changes everything.' That was it. I made my decision. It is the saddest thing I have every had to do, but it is the right thing to do.

I'd appreciate your prayers. We are so young, but no matter what age, this is a very painful act. Hugs to you all, today. I'll be popping in through out the day until I finally drift off today. I did not sleep at all last night, but do feel a peace this morning. Namaste, Lyn

My first thought when I read this question:

"When caring for someone, how much stress is too much and what does this stress do to our bodies?"

...anyone asking this question has probably already experienced too much stress - to the point that is the stress is affecting their physical/emotional/spiritual health. If your primary care doctor is recommending professional mental health services, GO! Typically, primary care doctors only recommend such services in the most extreme cases (this may or may not be true for your doc.) Also, find and participate in caregivers support groups in your community. Also, remember that no matter what you do, whether you take care of yourself or not, your mother will probably still call you selfish and lazy. It's not about you and you cannot control her thinking. You can decide how much power you give to her negativity. Blessings to you both.

I want to tell you stress can do horrible things to you... I have been helping my Mother before and since my Father passed away. Recently she moved to what is called independent senior housing. It is a lovely home, she has a beautiful apartment with her own things. She gets one meal a day and housekeeping. She has people to talk with and yet if she wants to be alone she has that opportunity too. It was a good decision for all of us. My biggest issue with her is that she does not want to take her medication. I know I cannot make her however I am concerned about what will happen if she does not. She had a heart attack not two weeks after my Father passed away. She says and I am sure it is true that her heart was broken and she does not need the medicine. I have tried to reason with her and it is just not possible... Anyone have a suggestion.

I'm so sorry that you've been put in this situation! My heart goes out to you. I'm in a very similar situation. I used to do counted cross-stitch, quilt, paint, write, amoung many other hobbies I really enjoyed. Now I do nothing, since living with my mom and s-dad who I'm the sole caregiver for. They don't like lights on. The house is dark and lacks joy. All I do now is what I must for them, and then stay in bed most all day everyday. The stress of caring for others (physically & emotionally) has made my chronic pain conditions and depression 100 times worse. I have panic attacks. I grieve losing all of my middle aged years... years that we can't get back. I'm on Disability myself for CRPS/FIBRO/RSD/SEVERE DEPRESSION, yet I'm the only one to care for these people. My mom knows and see's the pain I'm in, but they have needs they want & need met. They absolutely refuse outside help and since it's their house & they're of sound mind, I can't demand they accept help other than myself. I love my mother, but would move out fast if I could. Being on disability I have no money to move, and cannot get any Assistance b/c "I make too much money." Stress will cause illness, or cause existing problems to get worse!!! I wish you could get some respite and peace. You deserve it and NEED it. I find that praying helps alot. I'll certainly be praying for you! Keep sharing your concerns, anxieties and how you're doing, here with others who understand and are here to love and support you. (((HUGS))) ~ Kathy

I have to say that since talking to my mother things have changed quite a bit. I explained that my body was at its limit, at first she was angry but now has had time to think about it, and now she tells me that I should take some time for myself. I put my foot down now and let her know I'm going to bed. I now tell her when she's being mean to me or crabby then she'll apologize and try to be nicer.

That is wonderful, ALarck! Now, do take some time for yourself.

This state of affairs may not last perfectly. You may need to remind Mom ocassionally. But it sounds like you are on your way to lowering the stress. Good for you!

I think many people here have lived this scenario. Some for weeks, some for years. I had a very similar story and while I was there I seemed to be in denial. Mom used the illness (terminal liver cancer) to draw me in deeper and deeper.
Friends and family told me to get help for months and months. I discussed help with Mom and friends came and told her that she needed more help. Her pleas and insistance that she would not accept the help was clear.
There comes a time that you MUST look at yourself.
My life finally turned upsidedown.
I had left my wife and family 1000 miles away to care for Mom.
After a reasonable amount of time my employed released me and my position.
My arthritis was getting to be a difficult health issue.
My mental health was squashed.

You need relief.
I called hospice and they had a list of caregivers that worked by the hour.
I think there was a 4 hour minimum and you could chose 1-7 days a week.
I found an "aide" for 4 hours 3 days a week.
The premise was to let me get groceries and do errands around town.
There was real resistance at first. I had a long discussion in the interview that told the aide that Mom was resistant and can be a pain in the ***.
The reason I suggest hospice is for many reasons. You can ask them for different types of care and they can choose from their pool.
They have a person that will just sit and read a book, and they have full care staff. The money is not much different.
Their caregivers have experienced angry Alzheimers and Dementia patients. they have terminal non-ambulatory patients. Some cook and do light housekeeping. Some do more.
Talk to hospice and ask for help 3 days a week 4 hours a day for 2 weeks (with possible increase in hours and days) For about $250 a week there was a ton of stress lifted. The first 2 days were mean, disruptive and angry, but Mom somehow decided that it wasn't that bad. The caregiver gave Mom foot rubs and fixed her hair and pampered her a little and I would not. I think it also let her get another person to boss around and thus giving her more "POWER".
We did have a discussion if bad and worse options. Get help for me or I will leave and hand her over to social services. If she would not go to a care facility, then she would need to get help at the house. I lost a year with my family and nearly lost my marriage. It is still quite turbulent.
After her death it took 3 months to clear up the necessary probate and etc. after 18 months now I am still having to deal with probate/insurance and other matters that arrive. I am home now and have had therapy and mental help for more than a year. I will never get my life back to what it was. It is the NEW normal.

Do the right thing and seek help (house or mental health) now. When you are alone and close to the problem, you can't see the facts clearly.
Use the experience of others. It SEEMS like no one has lived your problem, or has the difficulty that you do, but you will find hundreds that have done this before and they can all provide counsel.
There are support groups at local Senior Centers in your town. The help is great with word of mouth from real experience. Get a little professional help to balance the stories.
It will come to you if you look for it.
Go to a city park. get out of the house and into the sun.
Refresh yourself.

Try something and after a month change if you need to.
Find peace
Phil

hoping, I just read what you wrote and know I could have written it myself -- except the gardening bit. I don't like yard work. When I moved here, I left everything behind me. This includes my medical help. I haven't even located a primary care physician here. In this medically-oriented city, it all seems so cold and impersonal.

My parents are also hoarders. I've cleaned up a good bit, but like the house of so many hoarders, this one has a lot of work that needs to be done. I've decided that it is not my responsibility. It would take a huge hunk of my retirement savings to try to bring it up to acceptable. This is money that I could not fully recover if I sold the house. I figure that my best bet is to put it on the market as is. The house has a good location, so it should sell for a modest price, and my savings won't be deleted. I don't want to spend my security paying for a lifetime of neglect here.

I have to mention that my blood pressure has increase 10-20 points since I've been here. It used to only be high when I was anxious. Now it is often 130-140/70 even when I'm not doing anything. I have to stop eating all that salt that they love and take more of the long walks that are so relaxing. And I really need to find a primary care physician -- one who believes that drugs are not the answer to everything.

Phil, thanks so much for sharing your experience. I think the bottom line lesson (for me) in your story is, "Don't wait for the care receiver to AGREE that additional help is needed. Just get the help and see what happens. It might work out for the best, if not then try something else..." Again, Phil, thanks so much for sharing this and blessings to you and to your family. And good for you for getting professional counseling. It is a sign of wisdom and strength.

Most of the stress that I read about on this site appears to come from very dysfunctional moms and sometimes dads who select one child to be the chosen one to care for them which they groom them for and then use emotional blackmail to keep them in place via Fear, Obligation and Guilt, all to often to the destruction of a person's health, marriage, relationships with children and or grand children, jobs, homes, income, etc. To overcome such dysfunction takes more than self-help books, it takes seeing a therapist who is trained to deal with this kind of family dysfunction. This is why I started the "The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?" thread.

Absolutely agree cmagnum. I know that if my relationship with my mother had been 'normal' and loving from the start, I am fairly sure that taking care of someone who was a loving person all their lives would not have been as stressful as looking after someone you've never got on with.

I too am so stressed, taking care of my 85 year old mother with alzheimer's. I finally hire a caregiver from 9:00am - 12:00 noon Mon.-Fri. I still have to be there from noon until she goes to bed and on weekends. I have breast cancer and do not feel well myself from all the treatment, but she does not care about that, only herself. When I arrive at noon she grumbles "where the hell have you been, I've been alone for hours! I don't know what to do next , it cost $262.50 for those 3 hours a day. My Onc. said you better do something with her or you are going to end up in the hospital. Assisted living is way to expensive, and she's reall not ready for a nursing home, any ideas? HELP

aerick54, who says she's not ready for a nursing home? is that her saying that? You are ready for her to go in a nursing home, bugger what she wants. You are not well, and the last thing you need is to live your life like some unappreciated slave.
What you need to do if you really want help is to figure out what you want or don't want in your life, you have to either put up with her bad behaviour or say listen here mother dear, pull your head in, these are the new rules which include you being respectful to me. If you dont adhere to these rules I will be gone, you will be in a home, end of. Don't enter into debate or get drawn into the woe is me bullcrap.
Personally I would be booking her into a nursing home asap, and you need to take care of YOURSELF....good lucks, be strong...

I too am stressed caring for my 85 year old mother with Alzheimer's. I finally hired a caregiver from 9:00am-12:00pm Mon. through Fri. I still have to be there from noon until she goes to bed, and on weekends. When I arrive at her house at noon, she grumbles "Where the hell have you been, I've been alone for hours! I have breast cancer, and am not feeling well myself from all the treatment, but she doesn't care about that, only about herself. Assisted living seems out of the question as it is way to expensive. It cost $262.50 just for 3 hours a day of caregiving. My Onc. said you better do something with her or you are going to end up in the hospital. What can I do, she doesn't seem ready for a nursing home, and Medicare does not cover assisted living. HELP!

Thank you rubyjkat, it feels good just to talk to someone who understands my situation. I have a lot of legwork to do in the near future seeing just what is involved in getting her in to somewhere. She said she doesn't want to go, she wants her "own people" to take care of her. But her "own people" is just me, and she is getting to be way too much for me. Thank you for listening.

aerick54, does your mother qualify for medicaid? Some nursing homes will take people with medicaid.

I have listened and hear this.
MOM IS KILLING YOU. ALL OF YOU.
i'M STILL IN LONG RECOVERY.
i HAVE READ AND LISTENED TO ALL OF YOU AND it;s teh same story that I have lived for 2 years. It took two years for her friends to come cleasn with what they saw.
I cared for her for 2 years and now it is done with her death it has taken 2 years for me to face the problem.
it is her abuse of the system. I took everything to help her cope and we always tried to keep her happy.
I have dealt with the guilt and caring for her.
She was hard to comfort and hard to care for.
I had given up 2 years of family and life to care for her and it has taken a toll on my family and my life.
Now that she has passed on, it is still very difficult for me to deal with all of the other stuff. nearly 2 years and I am still dealing with medical and tax problems. she is haunting me from the grave. not her fault, but be over prepared to cover and dweal with all of the issues of care and finance thaqt could be imagined.

I hope that all of you see and elder law attorney to plan to manage all of the little things.
With elder people the spouse may not have the ability to handle any of this.

Good liuck with all of theis.

Wow, AlLark, you have alot on your plate. To me, it seems that when our parents get older, for some reason, they latch onto us and no one else will do. My mom is the same way. My daughter was taking care of her in the afternoons while I work but mom always had something to say about her care. My daughter is soooo good to my mom. She only wanted me. That's it. AND, they are very very good with the guilt thing with us aren't they? Because we love them dearly and remember them as they were, we want to be there always for them. I finally found out that this is not only impossible, but detremental to my health and other relationships. A friend told me and I heard on here as well, that I had to be a little selffish if I were to survive and be able to help mom. She had been living with hubby and I for 2 years and getting worse each day. At first I didn't listen to anyone because my guilt and my loyalty were too strong. It took all of that time to get to rock bottom emotionally and physically before I would admit that they were all right! I had to think of me or I might not even be there for "her" anymore. Several times I wanted to admit myself into the psych hosp. Why didn't I? Cause there was no one to take care of mom! Vicious cycle.
I finally broke down and looked at nursing homes. Yes, I had to get mom admitted to the hosp in order for Medicare to pay for the nursing for 100 days but with all her ailments it wasn't hard to do at all. She's been in a nursing home only 1 week now and already I am transferring her to another one but.....and here is the rub....I am free. She may call me 3x a day, she may not love it there, but she's getting used to it. She's moving cause the place she was at was too far away from me. This one is a stone's throw. But...she's NOT hating it completely. Complaining? Yep each day but you know what? I can now listen to it cause I know that I can go home to peace and quiet. I have freedom! It sound sooo ridiculous but it's just so freeing to know that when I get home, it's just hubby and I. Peaceful. Quiet and stressfree (yes we have a phenomenol relationship I admit). Please please think of yourself. So easy to say and so hard to do. Once I listened, I felt a complete peace come over me. You will too. Get help and don't let her guilt you into always being there. This was not meant to be your whole life. She's mom and you need to keep her safe. Happy may not be in the cards anymore for her I'm sorry to say. I'm sending you best wishes and hope you and everyone else can see the light soon and think of yourself for once.

Opps I meant Aerick also. Sorry

Thank you cmagnum, but she does not qualify for medicaid as she owns her own home and has a little in her bank account. I have a lot of legal and other work to look into. From what I hear, you can't just put them into a nursing home, they have to have a diagnosis etc.
Thank you also pjsmithres and Bhenson for your support on this. My mother has dimentia and Alzheimer's but otherwise is in good physical health (better than mine). She won't be dying anytime soon, I think she may outlive me, and I am 57. Thank you again everyone for your very supportive words.

aerick54, what stage has your mom's Alzheimer's? I'm sorry to hear that you are having to fight breast cancer. My wife is also 57 and had a biopsy done last week. We were so glad to hear the report was not cancerous. I wish you well with dealing with all of the legal and other work to look into. I assume you already have durable and medical POA for your mother.

cmagnum, I'm not sure what stage she is at since I did not have her tested. She is extremely confused though and cannot get her thoughts out, so it is hard to know what she is talking about most of the time. She keeps saying things like "I don't know where everybody is" when she has been living alone for 30 years (my father died at 55). I was thinking of having her tested, but then wonder if the Dr. would declair that she cannot live alone. I'm new at all this and quite frankly, it is overwhelming to me. I have POA, but not sure if it is medical, I will look at the paperwork after I sign off here.
Thank you for your well wishes for my cancer--so far so good--I'm two years into it, through with surgery and radiation and on chemo.