Has caregiving contributed to the loss of your marriage?

tracy888,

Please DO keep your own place!!!!!!! Even if you end up renting or subletting it to someone while you move in with BF to see how things go for a period of time.

BF's situation sounds like it's headed for some jagged rocks, unless BF seeks help caring for Mom. It could easily pull you down, and anyone else who might be vulnerable and too close to it to remain objective, too.

Keep your wits about you. Always have a "Plan B". Be informed.
Keep looking for potential things that can help BF deal with his situation better--that's supportive, too.

You can be supportive and loving to others AND take care of you first, without allowing yourself to get pulled down into other's miseries.
It's about learning how to set reasonable, rational, realistic limits on other's use of you [your energy, time, resources], while taking care of your basic needs.
Framing what's needed in terms lot long-term/big picture, is Prudent.

BF maybe could be reading AgingCare posts and situations.
Some of us never discovered this resource until too late into our situations.
This site/people posting are tremendously informative and supportive.
With all that gets posted on this site, one could avoid many pitfalls, just by reading through things and taking some of them to heart.

Great advice Chimonger. Will need to re-read regularly! The needs to be entertained and the academy award winning drama plays when her needs aren't met have been getting worse around the holidays. BF finally seems willing to get some respite care. Unfortunately, she is already living with him which is the main reason I'm keeping my own place!

I'm beginning to understand that!

I think it refers to crystal meth. The Captain has had a colorful life.

what is crank?

Has Mom been formally diagnosed as having dementia?
Or, has she had dependent or other dysfunctional behaviors for a lifetime?

Handling all our stuff AND Mom's stuff, was waaaaayyy too much.
It was killing me. It did almost caused divorced, for sure.
Mom's stuff almost got us evicted too.
Guilt trips? It was way beyond 'just guilt trips', here.
ANY relationship or family problems WILL magnify when under pressure from caregiving...it's up to those in the relationship to work on maintaining the relationship. It's hard, unremitting work! Choices must be made. It WILL be emotionally draining.

Be supportive, caring, AND...
==Get some counseling.
==Contact your nearest Area Agency on Aging to learn what other resources might be found that could help.
==IF she is not yet under your BF's roof, counsel BF to avoid allowing Mom to live under his roof, NOR moving into Mom's house. That complicates things terribly, and further puts him at risk in a number of ways---you too, if you live with him.

==Focus on priorities:
Immediate family unit is #1, especially if there are children.
Caring for elders and others, is #2; sometimes those vie for #1.

NO relationship, no individual, no matter how stellar, well educated or trained, is equipped to handle the complicated behaviors certain dependent, behaviorally destructive elders can wreak, and maintain health and sanity. Especially not 24/7.
It's UNrealistic for one person to expect another to be their "everything". Especially not anything close to 24/7.
Most folks have a hard time doing that level of intense relationship even a few hours a day.
Dependence-mode-behaviors = the expectation that someone will gaze into their eyes all the time, be at beck-and-call, be at their side, 'Go-fer" everything, be their only friend & companion; the dependent person sucking the caregiver into their strange thought processes: dependent-mode people of any age, get terribly anxious & act-out badly if they don't get that...they seriously believe they can't survive without all that--it IS survival mode for them, that's why they act-out so badly.

An individual can't survive too much of that--it's not normal; it will wear them to a frazzle.
It's one thing to care for a child doing that--those can learn differently.
It's harder to caregive an elder doing it--they can't get better--only worse.
A relationship, especially one recently started, would have a hard time surviving that, too.
The brother who died taking care of this mother---gotta wonder---how much of his demise was related to the stress of living as a martyr to Mom's behaviors? Could that happen to your BF, too?

IF she might be capable of making some choice at all [very questionable in dementia], MAYbe present her a limited choice, like:
"Mom, it's impossible for me to take full-time care of you. I've looked into Care Homes and found a very good one, OR, there are in-home caregivers that would allow you to stay in your home longer. Either way, I can still visit you. Which would you prefer, the Care Home or the In-Home care staff? "
[[BTW, she WILL likely pit one caregiver against another---that's classic---be ready: keep in close, clear communication with staff about it, or she'll tear ya'll to bits, losing good staff--that applies to family members, too.]]
IF caregivers in-home, find MULTIPLE caregivers for Mom--so they can rotate shifts--otherwise they will get burned-out; you'll lose them & be back where you started.

==Does BF have DPOA for taking care of Mom? If not, why not?
If Mom is diagnosed as demented, she is less capable, or not capable, of making good decisions.
The DPOA is legally allowed to make necessary decisions for someone who can't make rational decisions.
Mom's DPOA needs to make those for her now ---whether she likes it or not---to ensure Mom has care she needs--even if she can't understand that she needs it, or dislikes the decision.
Confused elders & children have limited ability to understand things.

The best way to love her now, is to be the loving, caring grownup one is, by making the hard decisions that must be made, to make sure Mom is safe & properly cared for---AND maintaining the health & well-being of the person[s] doing the caregiving.
Those decisions might not seem to make sense to Mom---yeah, it might make her angry, AND she may act-out badly--you might need help. ===The DPOA needs to get all the "ducks in a row" FIRST..
Other relatives or friends might not understand why a DPOA had to make certain choices, & might cause the DPOA grief, too--but they lack a full grasp of the situation as the DPOA who is right there.

==It's very important for caregivers to take good care of themselves, FIRST. Otherwise, they become useless as good caregivers.
==Do what you can to be supportive and encourage your BF to seek more help in caregiving his Mom--it sounds like he might be in over his head.
If that means finding a facility---even if Mom hates the idea---it might be the best decision for all.
Take care to find facilities that actually take good care of elders.
There are many levels of care choices, not just "nursing homes".
She may be fine in one of the "Continuing Care" places, designed to help an elder "age in place", ranging from complete independence in their own apartment, to full, 24/7 bed-care. Or, she might need a "memory care" place, that prevents her running away.

But don't wait too long. It only gets harder as her conditions get worse.
Avoid waiting for the terrible stress of catastrophe to make needed decisions.
It's better to be proactive, making wise decisions now--it's stress-relieving!

having 14 years to think about it, no, caregiving didnt ruin my marriage. being a jerk ruined my marriage. it somehow indirectly caused my wife to start snortin crank with the neighbor b***hes and sleeping with the crank dealer.

Thinking that their should be "balance" when caregiving is an nice thought but nothing more. Caring for an elder is unlike caring for an infant. The infant gets bigger, stronger and more independent--the elder grows weaker and more dependent over time, they just do.

Regarding the wedding vows, your spouse has not vowed to disregard the needs of her parents and neither did you. A spouse's needs did come first when the parents were able to live with little to no help, but things have changed in their abilities due to illnesses or age. For now, for a decade or so, they will need to receive more of your spouses attention. She has not ceased to love you, but her love for her parents comes first when they are needy elders. They will pass away, she will likely return to waiting on your every need. But
for now you may wish to help out were possible rather than remind your wife
she is carrying a heavy load or housewife and full time caregiver.

My husband and I were newlyweds when my mother-in-law moved in with us. We were only able to take a one day honeymoon because we couldn't leave her alone for long. Having her with us has definitely caused the loss of alone time for us, but we try to make up for it by going on short day trips together and having date nights.
I think this experience has made us closer, like we are a team. We work together well, and whenever my mil puts me down for serving a frozen dinner because I've had no time to cook from scratch, or being too exhausted to run the vacuum around, my hubby always sticks up for me and helps me a lot with the cooking and cleaning.

I have been taking care of my father since my mom died suddenly of an aneurism 5 years ago. he head been diagnosed with alz & dementia 10 years ago. We never saw it coming we thought mom would outlive dad. So when she passed away suddenly no one knew what to do. My dad was still in the early stages and requested that he live alone, but after months of having to visit him daily to make sure he took his meds and was eating properly, we found him not able to live alone , for the reason that my mom had always done everything for him. We also found him picking up homeless women and bringing them home. Against his wishes but at the request of my siblings I moved out of my home who I shared with my long time boyfriend and moved in with my dad. I cut hours from my job and became dads caregiver. My siblings almost instantly stopped calling and visiting. After 2 years of being pretty much on my own with him my boyfriend of almost 25 years started seeing other women, I told him to go ahead because I understood his need for companionship, I could only spend short amounts of time with him and dad wouldn't allow him to spend time with me due to jealousy. Its been 5 years now and though my boyfriend tried to see other people our love pulled us through. Him seeing all I have endured in the last 5 years makes him love me more. We still don't get to see each other that often, maybe a couple hours 2x a week. But he's always there for me I only hope he can hang in there till the end. I promised him it will be soooo worth his while.

I feel even with the tough battle that is care giving, there needs to be a balance. It should not and cannot be one sided. Yes I feel neglected sometimes. I'm not needy and selfish, and as I answered in another question, have done and given more than I care to type. All I've ever asked for is some sort of help and assistance (still have practically none). Our physical and emotional health is at stake, in very real terms. I also believe that, at least in the case of marriage, when you take the vow to forsake all others for your spouse, in a sense that means your parents. NOT to toss them aside or not take care of them, that's NOT what I'm saying. But your spouse has to come first. I think sometimes, what if I had a heart attack and needed some pretty constant care - would my wife help me and get someone to help with her mother, or care for her mother primarily and get someone else to help me? She's supposed to care for me, but how would that be possible in the event of an emergency without assistance with her mother? She can't even iron my clothes (I truly don't mind but she beats herself up over it), make my lunch or other small tasks she wishes to do for me.

Joyce, my guess is that they were having problems long before mom moved in. The addition to the household is simply the straw that broke the camel's back. They would have separated eventually, regardless of her presence. If you are strong, caregiving will make you stronger, if you are weak, it will break you.

I don't know how long your cousin has been married? In my case I've known my husband since I was 10 yrs old. We've been together for 34 yrs and married for 28... He is my main support system. I have been his support through family losses of loved ones...They are my family too..I cared for his GreatGM and his Mom who died from breast cancer also his brother who was a heroin addict was living with us while trying to recover. Sadly he lost that battle.. After receiving his inheritance from my MIL's death.. Addicts and large sums of money do not go together!!

If something happened and I had to start over would I marry someone who was care giving for a loved with dementia? HELL NO!!! I been there and done that! But I would never turn my back on my husband or family..

Thank you Lizann. Her physical health is relatively good, so I think it could be longer. Your responses are along the lines of what has been on my mind since the beginning of this whole thing.

It sounds like your boyfriend is very busy caring for his mother. If he continues
at this pace, there will not be much time for your relationship with him. It might be best to back off the relationship until his mother has passed. She is 85 and in poor health and in say 5 yrs you may want to rekindle the relationship with an eye toward marriage. Marrying now will turn you into the secondary caregiver and I don't think that is a way to start a marriage. Most spouses who care for in-laws have been married for yrs or decades, have built up some kind of a positive relationship with their in-laws (and even then it is difficult). Frankly, caregiving is a skill which is much easier to do for your own parent or loved one (aunts uncles etc). For caregiving blood is thicker than water in most cases.

I am not married, but been with my bf for 3 1/2 years. Less than a year into our relationship, his brother passed away, leaving him the sole caretaker for his 85 year old mother with dementia.. Our relationship changed pretty drastically from being pretty carefree for us both to having to first deal with his brother's illness, then taking on his mother. Some heavy stuff to deal with, as it seems many here had many years of a foundation beneath them before going through this together. While his mother is a nice person and relatively healthy physically, she is terribly needy emotionally. My bf works full time, but comes home every day to eat lunch with her, takes her out to dinner a few times during the week, takes her out several times on the weekend and sees to her every need. Still, this is not enough for her and she is upset when we go out together and don't include her. She was used to his brother being home with her 24/7, so apparently, expects more of the same. She has no other friends or family, and has no desire to make any friends. I have asked him many times to find some respite care to maybe take her to a movie or lunch once a week to reduce her dependence on him, but he thinks she would not agree to this so won't do it. We've had occasional week-end trips away with a trusted friend looking in on her, but no real vacations. Even when we go away for a date night, she gives him a massive guilt trip, and cries about how much she missed him when we return. I know she will only get worse and have real physical care needs at some point. We have discussed marriage and/or moving in together, but I'm thinking that her demands would be very negative for our relationship. There are days where I am just happy to retreat to my own house or meet him somewhere away from her. My own mother has expressed to me that she would never want to be a burden to her children, while his mother has made him promise never to put her in a nursing home. He is a wonderful man, and his willingness to be a caregiver speaks volumes to his level of responsibility and character. So why does this whole thing tear me apart so?

Captain - what a shunt she must have been, and dumb, too, not to appreciate you.

Been remarried 5 years, (both widowed for years). He had his mil for 30 years! ,before wife and mil died months apart. My parents had an apt in my home, I assured him I had no intention of having her live with us EVER. She had agreed.
She is now in senior living. Only short come is no help with meds. Even tho I call in the mornings, seperate the morning from evening meds she frequently gets it wrong and sleeps all day. But I'm so thankful I don't have the 24/7 care. She won't hardly do anything for herself even there, so I still do a lot for her.

My friend married her fiance despite knowing that his mother, who has Alzheimer's, lived with him.

My husband helps his parents but inadequately and apathetically. It turns out that my husband's true colors are that he avoids problems, is not good in crises, and is lazy. He's depressed. His father thinks my husband is taking advantage of him. I have been very supportive but my attempts to help have been rebuffed.
My marriage might have fallen apart anyway but the caregiving situation has not helped it.

my marriage blew up 14 yrs ago and it did have a little to do with caregiving. i was on a hepc treatment that for all the world felt like someone was pulling the marrow right out of my bones. as i sat in the middle of the bedroom floor rubbibing my own legs my ex sat on the bed glaring holes thru me. i decided at that point that she was an uncaring shunt. only later i learned she had a crank habit and was boning everyone in the immediate vicinity. no sour grapes here, im better off without her dishonest ass but man i needed some caregiving at that time and that alone was enough to wipe our shaky marriage out..

I was divorced already when I began this journey, but I can tell you that I would not have been able to do this and be married at the same time. This job is all consuming and I do not know any man who would be willing to be neglected all the time. I feel horrible that my daughter has had to put up with it and still does.

My heart goes out to you who have had to be separated from your partners, to provide caregiving. Caregiving is hard enough, with 2 adults to share the load!

Please be gentle with you--you had no way of knowing how things might turn out at any given time---all we can ever do, is make the best choices we can in the moment, to do the best we can at that time.
None of us know, exactly, how those choices will turn out--only, that we did the best we knew, then.
There's no wrong in making the best decisions you could at any given time.
No guilt!
The best we can do is hold each other gently in our hearts, unconditionally & compassionately, whether together or apart, & no matter how far apart.

{{hugs!}}

ANY relationship dysfunction or problems that existed prior to bringing any other person needing caregiving, into the home to caretake, at any level,
....will add greater strains/stresses to the partnership.
The stresses of having a dysfunctional other person in the home, just ratchets up stress--sometimes really epically.

IF your partner has been a good one, ya might wanna consider -keeping- that partner, over your elder [if one or the other has to get out from under your roof].
IF your partner has been big or constant problems before your elder moved in under your roof, -maybe- it's time to let the dysfunctional partner go.

Caretaking can be traumatic to the caregiver, yet might still end up a good thing. OTH, sometimes getting the elder moved OUT from under your roof, --no matter how traumatic the move-out is--can be a real blessing .

The experience of caretaking, whether under your roof, or while elder is in a facility or their home, always provides lessons.
And as someone mentioned above, caregiving -REALLY- lets the caregiver know, without any doubts, who their true allies are!

Seems like, the greater and longer an elder has dysfunctional before needing any level of caretaking, MAY be a predictor of how screwed up the family members get, over issues that develop during caretaking that elder.
For "special" elders, who have actively avoided being diagnosed or properly assisted all their lives, ---their adult kids REALLY need to stick together---,
or that elder WILL shred whatever's left of family relations.
Unfortunately, those will likely be the adult kids who fail most, to be supportive of each other;
they have been adversely affected by the disturbed parent[s] all their lives--and lack some or all functional family skills themselves: these become easiest targets for a dysfunctional elder messing their minds and emotions.
By the time [IF] those adult kids figure out what the elder has been doing
--IF they ever do---it's too late---they either point at one or more siblings believing it's their fault,
or, one or more will separate from the rest, to protect themselves from further harm from siblings who believed lies their elder told---
Dysfunctional Elders often do ANYTHING to keep control over things; consequences of their words and actions never occur to them,
OR, they are so anguished /guilty at their own inability to control their own behaviors, that they cannot admit to anyone what they did--which blocks any reconciliation happening.
Then it gets to be too late.

Moral of story? Put legal and other ducks in a row -before- needs arise.
Waiting for a crisis to happen to handle things then, makes a bad situation so much worse.

angelwhyspers, I'm so sorry for both your losses. It is very tough to feel like you need to be in two places at once. There is no good solution and no end to the guilt no matter what you decide. May you find peace and comfort. God bless you.

I would have to say YES to this question. Although my situation is a little different the end out come cost me. I had to move 700 miles away to care for my only sibling, my sister who had terminal cancer. Although I came back home on occassion for a short stay my husband was alone. My sister passed away Jan.19 2012, I spent almost two years up there with her. I returned home March 2012 after things were complete, not knowing that there was anything wrong my husband passed away May 14 2012 of an anuerism. Yes it cost me dearly and I was on a very emotional roller coaster. I am just now getting my feet up underneath of me. I have no regrets for taking care of my sister, however my guilt lies with having to leave my husband for so long and then to lose him all together. But we have to live with our life choices for the good or bad.

Absolutely true. My mom and I have even talked about us not being happy living together. She agreed. She may not feel that 3-5 days a week doing her bidding,
But she doesn't want to cause marriage problems. She had been thin most of her life and is now 20 pounds under a good weight, but says she doesn't get hungry. The only time she eats good is when I go and entertain her while she eats. We would bicker and fuss and disagree about everything if she lived with me. (where do you go, who did you see, why were you gone so long, you left me alone too long. Etc.). To do this right I need to find someone who will visit her twice a day or at least once a day. She keeps messing up her night meds and taking them morning and night. I call and discribe which ones and what day it is and she STILL takes the wrong one. She can't keep it clear to follow the days on the pill box. She has a morning box and one with NIGHT in big letters. Can't get it right when I open the box and say take the ones I'm the open box.
We've come a very long way in 5 months, but had a year of trying to get her moved closer to me. She needed it far worse than we could see just visiting one or twice a WEEK. Every story is unique.

Joycews, you have probably picked up on the differences in these comments. The ones caregiving with the loved one in a NH, ALF or retirement home are more likely to see caregiving as no threat to their marriages. Those caregiving in their home or living in the loved one's home are more likely to have serious, marriage threatening issues. That makes sense. Privacy, uninterrupted time with the partner, stress levels, boundries for all involved would be bigger issues for those who do their caregiving in their home. The lesson is, if the marriage is shaky or becomes shaky in the course of caregiving, put the loved one in some other living situation. Does that sound about right?

My husband of 5 years and I have taken on caring for my mom in a retirement home 15 min. Away. She is far worse, mentally than I imagined. She called me today to come over and find her some underpants. I bought her new ones recently and they weren't where I thought they were. I think most are in with her laundry, which she hasn't given to them in a couple weeks. (I am guessing)
I cleaned out her dresser drawers and brought her winter things home with me so only what she needed is visible. I spent 4 hours with her yesterday and hoped to be with my husband today, but still spent two hours with her. I feel like my husband wished I could stay home today also. I'm hoping my caregiving doesn't come between us, But am also determined to not let that happen. She can't afford a NH. she gets $1188. a month from SS. A nice NH here in St. Louis is $3,000 to $6000.00. We are helping to pay for her rent now to make her savings last longer.
One day at a time.

I just have to add spouse/partner, family or friend I agree when It comes to taking on this CG responsibility and s%^t hits the fan as mentioned above you really find out who your true supporters are and who is just hot air and say things to make them feel or look good!!