Care plan meeting at rehab - nonfamily participant. Am I wrong to be ticked off?

Question

Care plan meeting at rehab - nonfamily participant. Am I wrong to be ticked off?

Follow

Share

My sister is bringing her best friend to my dad's rehab care plan meeting because "she has been through this before and knows what questions to ask." We have also been through this before with my mother. I have a list of questions. I don't think a friend should be brought to this meeting because she is not family and not part of the care plan going forward. My sister did not run this by any of us to see if there were any objections. This ticks me off. Am I wrong to be ticked off? I have requested that this friend hold her questions until all family members have asked theirs.

Care Decisions Care Plan Rehabilitation Center

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

34 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

you sound like you might have some control issues

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

My suggestion is not to get you panties in a knot over this. There will be better reasons down the line to use your energy . Sister just might need some moral support ( or not ) ? You will be all worn out and it sounds slightly petty. You know from experience with your mom how difficult it is . Sister just might be needing some help dealing with it again. .. This comment is from someone who has been there . I had to take a long hard look in the mirror to try to understand my reasoning behind being ticked off over things like this .. I didn’t like what I saw . 🤔

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

It also doesn’t say much for your sister who needs a friend to ask her questions. Sounds very “ strange”. Does your sister have a reason? Is she handicapped mentally or physically ?

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

She does not belong there and I’m surprised the facility would even allow it. The meetings are for FAMILY

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

But doesn't a family member have the right to bring someone supportive with her? And it doesn't mean sister is mentally challenged - I've often seen people with complex issues to face bring someone with them. What is wrong with that? And please keep in mind that mere blood relations are not always the same as "family" in reality.

(1)

Report

No. Tell her its Family only.Its not her business.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Sister requested and sister IS family.

(1)

Report

jolobo: Imho, prehaps the staff of the rehab facility will not offer any time during no doubt what is *typically* a short care meeting. Even so, if this "friend" has anything of value to offer, wherein lies the harm?

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

You are correct to trust your instincts. I would never allowed this friend to participate..as it’s none of her business. She might have ulterior motive. Private financial & health information will be discussed that is none of her business. It’s only for family & health professionals who will be working with family member who needs rehab! Don’t give this friend any information going forward. Hugs 🤗

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

So my best friend and I are super close. She will receive my estate before my family. If you are bringing your husband a non relative of blood please look at the best friend in the same light. No one is attempting to do BAD things or give BAD advice here - check yourself and your insecurities at the door, more love and compassion for your family is needed. Honestly more questions the better to be honest! Rehab is hard, I've done 9 months of it - no harm in 100's of people being there. Seriously

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I still side with OP's original stance. It is HER LO, and that's what the FAMILY shares as opposed to this "friend." The sister can record for the friend, talk to her later, and it's only if the whole family consents that she should be there as she doesn't have the same obligations.

Plus, you can't discount the fact that sister might act differently with the "friend." My sister did that a couple years ago when we went to help her out with mostly stuff she couldn't do. We were treated like servants especially around Friend. After coming back from said nightmare, I promptly informed my mother that there would be NO MORE FRIENDS OF SISTER coming over for holidays where I'm gonna be there. That's crystal and sister knows that if she brings anyone over, she will not act like this because I will instantly leave.

You are trapped with the Friend. She's not your friend and thus not a friend of the (whole) family. Since it is on you as the family to decide what to do--and Friend is not part of it--then just insist she be excluded or you as the actual Family not be there. A rational person would choose family only, as family only are the only ones who have to deal with. Not some rando Friend.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Peggy, there are plenty of people whose "family" are NOT blood relations but close friends. Frankly I object to this notion that family are blood relations - I believe we have the right to choose for ourselves the people we consider family.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

If someone has first hand experience and is generally smart and competent, I welcome their input - they may have things to offer no one thought of so I would be welcome it. But some people are more private. Perhaps you can find out exactly what her input would be at a meeting and then go from there. You learn a lot by listening - don't cut these people out.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I read your responses and glad you got to ask questions. Now you know that this friend was not of any help. Seems you have enough family involved, you don't need an extra person. My daughter is an RN so she did sit in on meetings she could make.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Yes, no one else takes any initiative in my family except me. I was the only family member asking questions. I didn't even know my brother was in the room. (I was on the phone.) I would love to quit always taking the lead but idk what would happen because of the way they are. Actually I have stepped back quite a bit. We will see what happens.

(0)

Report

Many times it is helpful to have an objective friend help with this type of meeting. I have been that person for friends since I am an RN and understand the "lingo." You might ask your sister if you can meet this friend in advance to get to know him/her better. Just remember that this friend does not have the right to make decisions.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Your concern is understandable, however it seems the friend is already on the list of people to attend (as far as your sister is concerned). From the other side of the fence, of all your siblings who makes the most decisions or understands the ins and outs of this sort of meeting. I'd be willing to bet, you may have been the most involved. It would be very rare to have a number of siblings who understand or bring the best info to the table when medical decisions are discussed. My siblings can't even explain clearly what their own doctors have told them much less explain what a dr said about my mother - I don't use them to attend to dr appts. They don't ask questions and can't even relay the medical info. Heck, they don't really even know what each of their own meds are for. In my experience, I see more who understand very little about caring for elderly than I do those who can sort of anticipate the needs of elderly. (ex: show up in a tall vehicle and can't figure out why mom can't climb in, have no real knowledge of her medical history, can't give mom a moment to collect her thoughts, etc etc)

So, your sis with the friend may be one of those who really doesn't comprehend medical needs - thus, she invited someone who she thinks understands better than herself.

I agree w/your plan expressed to the sister - let all of you ask questions first. Friend can be asked afterwards, can you think of anything we've missed?

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Yes, you are correct. My sister doesn't understand much no matter how many times it is explained to her.

(0)

Report

It does not appear that the friend is going to try to run the show. If you are concerned for that, have a plan to ask for a break in the meeting and then tell your sister that you need to ask your questions first, and the friend needs to respect that or wait outside.
But again, i think it is more your sister needing support and having a friend with an understanding of the process comforts her.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Yes. You are wrong to be ticked off. Why would you object to your sister's friend going to the care plan meeting? She's there to help and could be a good a resource to all of you because she went through what you all are going through now. Her experience will be helpful. I wish we had a friend like this when it was time for my father's care plan meeting with the nursing home. My sister and I were flying blind because we really didn't understand all the dishonesty and thieving treachery a nursing homes engage in. I got educated very quickly though.
I offer to help anyone I know who has to deal with a nursing home because I know firsthand what they will pull on a family. So you and your family are lucky that your sister's friend is willing to be another pair of ears at the care plan meeting. You can always use one.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

I agree, only reason that occurs to me is the op sees the process as a power grab

(0)

Report

See 1 more reply

I know I would be ticked off. I would feel violated in a way. Or you know the friend really well. Just having her come to the meetings, and not asking first is rude. She is not family. This isn't a community event. Maybe you should bring someone too.
If you think she is taking over the meeting have her, or your sibling write questions that can be addressed during the meeting. They can write them up before the meeting. She doesn't have to be there. There is no deadline for questions to be asked. Yor sibling can discuss what happened during the meeting, with her after the meeting. Then bring up any questions, during the next meeting, or call the facility after.
I can't imagine there would be any questions you 2 couldn't handle yourselves. Seems odd to me. Is your sibling intimidated in meetings? These meetings are straight forward, what has been going on.
Does this friend bring up good points that no one else thought of?
Or mostly remain quiet? Or question responses that you pose?
If you feel uncomfortable talking about your dad's care, tell your sibling not to bring her. Your dad has a right to his privacy on his care. Or you bring your best friend.
She can go over the meeting with her friend after the meeting. No reason for her to be there. This person is not family. What about HIPAA laws? I can't believe they are OK with that.
If you really feel squicked about the friend being there, say no. You can have a say in this too. This is family, and she is not family. Both of you can take notes during the meeting and then formulate your own questions. Who is POA? Does sibling feel she is discounted bc she is not poa?
Or ask the care team, is there anything you think we need to focus on, or aren't understanding due to emotions getting in the way? They will tell you. Those meetings are pretty straight forward. I don't see why she needs to be there. Your sibling can deal and adult. It's not that hard.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Yes, the facility was okay with the non-family member. Unfortunately. So no, this friend brought nothing at all to the table. I don't know if my sister invited her or if she suggested she come herself. But next time I will request a list of questions from everyone and one of the family will read them. There is a time limit and everyone asking questions is not a good strategy.

(0)

Report

I think sis sees her friend as a valuable resource- a person who might recognize some things coming down the road.
I would just think of it as more help.
She might have good questions, that none of you might even know to ask at this point.
It could be that everyone at the meeting is just trying to help.
I suggest just try being open to seeing if it is helpful or not.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

No, not so. She brought nothing. And we have been in a care meeting before with my mom, so this was not our first rodeo.

(0)

Report

Join

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Well, hopefully you won’t have to go thru having the friend be included in any future meetings, because it’s sounds like she didn’t contribute anything of value. Hopefully, your sister sees this now.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I may be off base here, but it seems that your sister wants her friend there because SHE needs support. Has your sister ever indicated she feels “bullied” (maybe too strong a word) or “not heard” in the family or “outnumbered”?
I’m not saying that’s true, but it could be her reasoning she feels the need to have someone in “her corner”.

Personally, I don’t feel a non family member needs to be there. However if indeed she has been thru this before, she may have something helpful to contribute.

If possible, delicately (if she oversensitive) ask your sister why she feels the need to have her friend in the meeting? Can her friend write down some things and give the list to your sister to inquire about during the meeting? That way, it’s kept to the family, but your sister gets “help” from her friend.

Ask the nurses, however I bet they say whoever the family wants can attend.

Can you (again delicately) ask your sister why she wants non family involved?
Doesn’t she believe the rest of you can ask pertinent questions?

This is such a hard time for any family. It doesn’t need to be an added layer of difficulty dealing with someone who is not capable of handling things without a friend present. After all, family should be there to support each other.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

I so agree with this. The sister may be someone who doesn't think fast on her feet, trusts this friend, counts on her and knows she can represent her views, how she "thinks", what she may need to know. I always think, as I said, in dealing with medical, all the help you can get is a help as long as it is allowed.

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

Your dad's fine with the friend attending.
The facilty is fine with the friend attending.
You do say you've been able to ask a lot of questions, so that need is being met. You're sound unhappy that your sister isn't doing the meeting in a way you prefer. However, you're not the one in town managing the day-to-day.
I bet it's crystal clear to your sister that you don't think she's the ''sharpest or the most assertive knife in the drawer'', and has actually taken steps to address this by having a friend with experience support her. I say God bless that good friend, who's willing to take time from their day to be of help her. You should be grateful for every bit of support she can get. Support of her helps her support dad.
This seems more about control and trying to maintain a family pecking order. Ask yourself if it's worth undermining your sister's decisions and adding extra stress to what should be a routine meeting. Extra input can always have some value, and if it helps your sister have a better handle on things where's the harm?

Helpful Answer (11)

Report

Elizabeth….you nailed it!

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

I do think you’re a bit over reacting to this, it’s not as if your sister is asking her friend to be the spokesperson- she’s merely bringing her along it sounds from what you said as a type of support person for her to help her understand the process more and bc she’s had experience w her own parent is fair to say that she has some experience and insight - 1 out of 10 for reason to worry. 8 out of 10 for the little bit of extra insight she can add. It doesn’t mean you have no voice bc her friend is going to come. Time after time on this forum I read stories where siblings see it as a power play I don’t understand that, this is not a court of law. The friend is not being handed power of attorney- relax there’s no need to worked up over this

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

But we also had experience before with our mom. And every question takes up precious time. As it was we did not hear from the Social Worker because we ran out of time. I think we need to consolodate our questions before the next meeting. Like someone here said, it adds an additional unnecessary layer to the whole thing.

(1)

Report

Is the friend permitted by privacy protocols to be part o discussions about your dad's condition and treatment?

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Gold point!

(0)

Report

See 1 more reply

Honestly, sometimes it is truly a plus to have someone less emotionally vested to be there as well. I know My emotions get the best of me when I am trying to get answers to those hard questions. If I didn't have my wife with me during some of those meetings, I am not sure how I would have reacted. Yes she's family but she is also looking at it from a more clinical view than I can, because It's my dad. I love him, and the hard questions KILL me because I see the man that raised me. Not the person that is in front of me now who needs strong support and tough love to remain safe and healthy :(.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

I’m going to play devil’s advocate here.

Is it possible the concerned outsider might have emotional distance and keep her emotions in check during an emotional meeting? Could this result in better results?

Is it possible the concerned outsider might have been in a similar situation before that could cause her to be an effective advocate for the patient and family?

Is it possible the family members are simply hostile to each other and would end up fighting or competing with each other instead of focusing on the patient and his care?

The whole point of these meetings is to get the best care for the patient as possible. The family are only a part of it because their involvement will affect the patients outcome for good or bad.

Infighting between family can be a harbinger of bad outcomes for the patient.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

In some families, you might be right about the fighting. In my family, no. No one says a word in my family except me. No one advocates for our parents (when my mom was alive) except me. No one prepares applications to help our parents except me. My siblings just throw up their hands. No one asked questions in the meeting except me. And the friend asked one question about whether tylenol affects the blood which most everyone knows the answer to, thus wasting time.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

If a friend can go… you can attend. I did these meetings as a team member for 27 yrs while working..we had many children attending.. Not sure you need permission from your sister to attend. Ask the nurse manager of the unit.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Jolobo is not asking if she should go… she IS going. She does not want the sister’s friend to be there since she will not be involved in the care.

I feel your sister can ask her friend ahead of time for one or two important questions the friend feels should be asked that relates to experience she may have learned the hard way.

(3)

Report

My care meetings were exactly 15 min of the staff telling me what was being done for Mom. How she was doing in therapy, her meds, etc. When I tried to ask a question, I was told they had someone waiting for their meeting. I told them since it was my first meeting, I should have had longer to ask my questions.

I don't think the friend should be asking any questions. And if more than one family member is going to be there, one should be made the spokesman. Maybe getting together to make a list of questions.

I got most of my answers from the nurses and the DON when I visited.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

Yes, I think questions should be coordinated beforehand and one person should be asking them. I will try to do this for our next care meeting. I did get to ask a lot of questions at the meeting though (I was on the phone because I am not local and everyone else in the room).

(3)

Report

1. Rediculous. Friend does not belong in the family meeting.

2. Your Father is YOUR Father, not hers.

3. Her/his relevant experience is just that: HER experience. May not be relevant to your situation anyway.

4. The PT, Doctor, other Professionals present have professional experience PLUS the facts on your Father's medical history & progress.

5. If your Sister wishes to have moral support or advice from her friend, she can, later, with friend at a cafe etc.

I could keep on..

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Agree!!

(2)

Report

See 3 more replies

Personally I would not allow her to be in the meeting.
There will things that may be discussed that are private, as a matter of fact the entire conversation is about PERSONAL health and physical concerns. To allow someone that is not included on the HIPAA forms is a violation and since this person has no personal involvement they have no right to the information.
And you have no way of knowing if she will keep this entire meeting confidential, she is not bound by any regulations.
You can be ticked off. I would be ticked off. If the entire family agrees that this person can be involved you can request that this person hold any and all comments and questions to the end of the meeting.
I would also request that they leave the meeting if at anytime they begin to argue with a member of the family or the staff.
If they disagree with any medical decisions the family makes I would ask them to leave.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

I called the nursing home and asked what their policy was about non-family in care meetings and they said it was allowed and that the patient or the primary contact (I forget how they put it) could have whoever they want at the meeting. So that would be my sister as primary. And my dad was okay with this person being there.

(3)

Report

No, you aren't wrong. This is an intensely personal thing, not to mention it's your dad's private business. Your sister was completely out of line.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Care plan meeting at rehab - nonfamily participant. Am I wrong to be ticked off?

34 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions