Hi everyone,
My father left my mom decades ago for another woman. He married her and that's all he cared about. He barely communicated with any of us kids. His wife passed away around ten years ago. He still didn't communicate with us much.
Around a year ago, a neighbor of his looked up all his kids on Facebook and messaged us that dad wasn't functioning well. So a few of us started reaching out to him more. My sister had meals on wheels take him food which he turned them away. He said he wasn't a charity case. His house is in bad shape. I did get him to let me have his central air fixed last summer as his house was so hot.
Since then, I've gradually gotten to where I take him groceries once a week, take him to doctor appts, and mow/shovel at his house. He's at a point where he would like me to be there even more (to enable him to stay in his unsafe house) but this is my boundary on what I will do for him. I've had to learn how to deal with his manipulations and control. I'm his only child that lives in state.
I have given him information and told him I'd help him multiple times to see what help he qualifies for. He refuses. I've printed out info on an assisted living place that accepts Medicaid that my friend is at and I'm happy with the care they give. He seemed interested but refused to even see if he qualifies. I think part of it may be that he has a dog that he's very attached to and I couldn't guarantee him that she would be allowed there. Plus I don't think he wants people to see his financial situation. He hasn't said why he won't though. I've pretty much quit asking him to clarify things because I usually walk away with more questions than answers.
His main problem now is that his feet are going numb and he can barely walk. Plus balance issues. He's had tremors for a long time. He has started having falls. I was told after the fact that he fell outside last week and couldn't get back up for like a half hour. He has a story and a half of steps to get from outside to the living area of his house and vice versa. I'm sure he won't be able to walk soon as it's progressing. He's 85 years old.
He will only see his cardiologist. The cardiologist tried to get him to go to a neurologist but he refuses.
My first question is: Will he even be able to go to an assisted living facility if he can't walk?
He is also in bad financial shape. He's a hoarder. He has major credit card debt (I don't know how much but when he admits it's a lot, it's a lot. Story of his life.) and from things he's said I don't think there is any equity in his house-especially considering how it's deteriorating. When he passes away, I plan on walking away from his house.
Pretty much at this point, I'm waiting for him not to be able to walk or to have a fall where he gets injured and then call an ambulance to take him to the hospital and try and get him help through social services. Not much else I can do without his cooperation.
I've never dealt with this before. Went from him not in my life to this so just trying to learn how to best deal with it.
My next question: Should I be worried about any of his financial issues falling on me? Like should I refuse to sign paperwork at the hospital or will I have to? He has his funeral planned and supposedly it is covered by a life insurance policy he gave them. I have no idea if it's enough to cover it. I'm assuming that's another place I'll have to be careful not to sign things as it appears he has a big funeral planned. He apparently plans on taking better care of himself after death than he does while alive. Any other things I need to consider to stay out of his financial mess?
Any thoughts, opinions, or experiences appreciated.
Does anyone have Power of Attorney? If he would assign you as POA, you could then sign "John Smith (you) in his capacity as POA for Robert Smith (dad).
Yes, you are waiting for a fall. The minute he is admitted to the hospital, you start working with discharge planning to get him placed.
And no, when discharge planning says "will you be providing care at his home or yours?" you say "no, I cannot do that".
Make sure you are involved in talking to discharge; in some situations, elders tell the staff "oh, my child will be moving in to care for me". You need to be involved enough to say that no,you won't.
No one has POA. He doesn't take too well to anyone trying to take control so that would probably be a tough one but I will work up to it.
You are unable, as you say, to do anything further without his cooperation.
I would stop enabling him to stay home. Yes, he can go into ALF in w/c, but no ALF will take someone who has no funds, so your Dad will eventually, as you guess, take a fall that lands him in hospital and likely rehab. At that time refer him to a social worker. They will assist him in getting placement in a nursing home and in getting on Medicaid.
I would continue to refuse POA or conservatorship for an uncooperative man. The State can take over your father's needs and welfare, placement and etc. Just as though he had no children, which is, after all, how he has acted over time.
Do not sign papers ANYWHERE for your father. If he cannot sign his own papers, or make his mark that isn't something you need to do.
My advice would be, with a person who is uncooperative, back away.
Report your Dad to APS as a senior in need for welfare check as needed. Tell them you do not wish to take on responsibility for his care nor for managing his care.
It is hard enough to care for a very responsible and pleasant person, to manage their needs. And it's impossible for someone who is not responsible and agreeable.
I wish you the best, and your Dad, as well. Not everything can be fixed. Do not spend any of your funds when the fact is that you will need them very badly yourself in future.
Our state has where Medicaid pays towards assisted living if one qualifies medically and financially. (The Assisted Living Waiver) What my friend pays after Medicaid is around the amount that my dad's mortgage is so he'd have to ditch the house and use that for care. Having said that, I don't have any idea what the amount would be for him since he won't go for it. He's probably going to be beyond assisted living by the time he gets placed anyway.
And thanks for the POA advice. I was just getting ready to research more about it. It's a weird spot I'm in with the history. I do want to stay as detached as possible to anything other than guiding him to help when he's ready to do so.
Dad may not qualify for AL, it depends on what their entry requirements are at the time of admittance. If dad falls a lot, probably not. If he cannot transfer alone from wheelchair to chair/bed, probably not. They may accept him IF he requires help transferring from only one caregiver, not two. When mom developed bad neuropathy in her feet and legs and went into a wheelchair full time due to lots of falls, the AL she was living in for 4 years would not accept her back from rehab after the hospital. Between her mobility issues and advancing dementia, she had to move into their memory care building where more 1 on 1 care was offered. Each AL has it's own rules pertaining to admission requirements, but you are not wrong to be concerned that if dad waits much longer, he'll likely bypass AL and need a SNF instead.
You do seem to already be in the 'Awaiting a Crisis Club'. Welcome.
You've researched & advsied Dad his options on many issues.
You can see clear what's his to decide. He decides (or not):
good decisions, poor decisions, kicks the can down the road no decision..
The consequences will be his.
That is what I was told to do from a Social Worker;
Advice.
Let them decide.
Consequences are theirs.
Be their Advocate.
Not their servant.
Also, be 'ready to roll' when the crises comes. Have facts ready for Social Services: DOB, Dr details, any relevant medical dx, In your case, add emergency kennel for dog-care.
I am doing similar.
I never sign anything. Nor will I unless I accept being nominated as POA & it is activated or I have willingly accepted the role of legal Guardian.
In fact the Social Worker advised me that if/when the crises/health event/fall happens, if/when home is not a safe destination, Social Services will work directly with the person concerned to discuss their options. Family can then remain neutral, remain in 'family only' role. This can preserve family relationships better.
For those without insight, neuro-psych assessments get done & Guardian appointed if needed.
You will decide your own boundaries & move them as you wish. I was ok in the groceries, light cleaning & appointments role. But this blew out to multiple shopping needs, daily tasks, many emergencies & one week with 5 or more appointments! So I advised I would do T, you must find alternatives for UVWXYZ.
My mind was in such a whirlwind at first as this came out of nowhere. Though I'm now thinking it may be better to get hit all at once and see more of the whole situation up front than gradually over time where it's harder to notice how much you are being pulled in slowly.
Over the past year I've researched, talked with siblings and my mom, spent a lot of time reading this forum etc. I was losing too much sleep and finally felt more at peace when I came up with my plan/boundaries. Even if that has to be adjusted, I have a base to work from.
And oh yes, the dog! Ugh. I already have a cat that dad found freezing to the ground a few winters back in his back yard. The dog was jealous of said cat so would chase it off into a bedroom when the cat would get too close to my dad. The cat was spending his life hiding so I finally rescued said cat from said dog and that house in general.
I wish you well in your situation! Thanks so much for sharing what you have learned and experienced. It's helpful and very much appreciated!
Is your mother still alive? If so, I was wondering how she felt about your helping your father. I must say that would affect how *I* would treat a father who tossed his marriage and offspring aside like he did.
You say you'll hold firm to your boundaries, but I see a GREAT chance of an insidious mission creep. And if he fell and called you...if he was injured and crying in pain on the floor, would you really be able to stay away?
I would also not sign ANYthing for your hospital post-hospitalization. When my mother went to the ER, I refused signing the discharge instructions. I felt that if I signed them, I would be responsible for making sure they were followed. I simply said, "Oh, I don't sign for her for anything" and they dropped the issue.
One more thing...IF your father got hospitalized and somehow he managed to get released back to his house (and I think he would tell them you would be there to help, considering how he's already trying to get you to come over and do more), make sure you do NOT believe any discharge planner who tells you they will help you get in-home services. They lie. They want him OFF their caseload. Once he's released to you, he is not their problem anymore.
My mother is still alive and she doesn't say one way or the other whether I should help though she is disgusted he's ended up in this condition. She's actually happy now that he did leave because she's in a much better situation with him gone. The difference between mom and dad is night and day. She makes good decisions, cooperates, communicates etc.
Ironically, in 2015 I had mom buy a house closer to me so I wouldn't have to drive as far when she needed help. She rarely needs help. But now I'm driving just as far or even farther than her old house when I go to dad's. Thank goodness she likes the new house and community or I'd feel really guilty!
If he fell and called me in pain, I would call an ambulance. It would be a problem if he refused to go with them though. Something to think about.
Thanks so much for the advice/experience and things to think on!
You should not pay a single cent towards ANY aspect of his care, do not become his poa, and do not sign anything for him.
I don't want to see anyone rot but I can see it coming to the point that I have to tell him he either gets help or I'm not sticking around to watch the end result of all his refusals.
The next time Dad is in the hospital and especially Rehab, have him evaluated for 24/7 care. If found he needs it refuse to care for him and say returning him to his home would be "unsafe". Tell them you want no POA or Guardianship and allow the State to become his Guardian. He will be placed much faster than you can and they will handle his assets. I would not take this responsibility of a man who abandoned my mother and his children. I believe what goes around, comes around. Dad needs to realize where he is is because of choices he made. I really am surprised u and siblings have done what u have. Seems Mom raised compassionate children.
Good Luck.
Makes me nervous just thinking about when the stuff hits the fan but am trying to stay centered, strong, and prepared. I'll remember to ask about the 24/7 care evaluation.
I am not saying that he doesn’t deserve any help as a human being living on this earth. It has to be emotionally and physically draining for you to be involved in your father’s life.
You are a kind and generous soul to offer your support. I commend you for setting boundaries. That’s so important for each of you. Enabling him wouldn’t serve either of you well.
Some assisted living facilities do accept pets. In his condition he most likely wouldn’t be able to care for his dog very well.
I’m sure that he doesn’t want to surrender his dog but maybe if you could find a good home and he knows that the dog would be in good hands it would help him to accept the fact that he isn’t in good enough health to properly care for his dog.
I agree with Lea. A skilled nursing facility may be a better fit for your dad. Alva made an excellent point in saying that if your father doesn’t cooperate with you then you can step away and call to report him as a vulnerable adult who desperately needs help.
Yes, it's emotionally draining dealing with a "weird" relationship with him on top of the aging and bad decisions. Frankly, I was perfectly happy when he was off living his own life. I wish he would have gone before his wife and I'm sure that's what he thought would happen marrying a younger woman. She died of cancer.
The dog could be receiving better care but she's just as attached to him as he is to her so she is content and happy. She's thirteen which is close to the age expectancy for her. We'll see who goes first.
I plan on asking him soon just what his plans are when he can't wallk. I'm guessing he hasn't even thought about it or is thinking he'll manipulate me into it. I need to make it very clear the answer isn't me!
Do you have any children? When my dad died, we received bad legal advice and since we wanted mom to have the house outright without needing usufruct, we were told to decline our inheritance. (Dad died without a will. They were/are deeply in debt but mom isn’t a hoarder. The house is falling apart and I plan to walk away).
All that did though was made my children my dad’s heirs instead of me. So it became a GIANT mess. Your state might be different, but when it comes to walking away just make sure you aren’t passing the problem to your children or heirs.
Look up and talk to a specific breed rescue organization or a general dog & cat (pet) rescue group. They take in animals without homes and foster them until they can find them a good home. Most of these organizations are no kill and will foster the animals until they find a home or until their end of life. Most of these groups have a pretty detailed application firm so they can ensure the animals go to a good and safe home. Most dog breed clubs in any area will have good advice on rescue organizations and possibly a link to rescue specific groups on their website. General breed clubs (such as a local terrier club, hound club, etc.) Are also good resources for this information.
Many (not all) local animal control or general shelters have a time limit on how long they can keep an animal. And they don't usually do much checking on those who adopt the animals they have.
This info is for WA state, please call APS (Adult Protective Services) to get specifics in his state: https://www.courts.wa.gov/content/publicUpload/Office%20of%20Public%20Guardianship/Guardian%20Process.pdf
You all have been so very helpful!
MIL’s motorized wheelchair was $1,700 and it works great. Sister received hers at no charge from Medicare as she is on social security disability.
Both facilities also accept pets to a certain size, and I often see residents on scooters (another option) with pets in a basket with them. They go outside for walks, etc every day.
So there are possibilities here. The neuropathy might be manageable in an AL if he has good mental faculties still.
And a quick word about finances—my dad was the same. The reality was that he had a fair amount of money set aside, but was unable to process this concept on $5,000 a month for AL. And could not accept a potential scenario of “running out of money” and becoming a medicaid pay. His generation felt that was total failure. So my parents stayed, grim as it was. And didn’t spend what needed to be spent on home repairs, etc. for fear of one day running out of money. No pension and 0% interest rates will do that to you. ):
In retrospect, perhaps it would have been best to move parents to a more suitable home, but their neighbors were as important to them as the home. Their neighbors were the true support network for them, as kids were far away. That was no small thing! The neighbors were the ones who shared tomatoes, brought over a piece of pie, stopped for a cup of coffee on the porch. It wasn’t just about the house, it was leaving the best things of life.
I am struggling a lot with whether it was the right thing to do to “let” them stay till dad died, but it was his choice, and ultimately I think it was the right one.
And depending on what you would sign, that would not necessarily cause you to. But just to be safe, do not sign a thing.
As others have said you have perhaps helped out too much already but that is your choice. But do not get yourself into any financial or legal obligation by signing anything.
Others here know more about your other issues and it looks like they have given good advice. But one thing I can tell you is do not sign a thing.
When I saw that question I got squeamish.
You might also see if he will let you get rid of any of his wife's things. My dad wanted pretty much all of it gone, and he was very attached to his wife of 50 years. I just made sure to keep anything of hers that he really wanted to keep. Maybe not seeing something of hers everywhere he looks might help him a bit, and it would also be that much less you will need to get rid of in the end.
Best wishes.