My ex-MIL does not have a PCP, and has not received medical care of ANY kind in 40-50 years. Now about 85 years old, lives alone 2 hours away from her son (my ex) & 35 min away from her surviving sister. For the last year, her health has been deteriorating, and all along she has refused any medical care because "she is afraid of what they will say" is wrong with her!!!!! She literally now has not eaten or had anything to drink in last couple-few weeks ... she is literally dying in her home. She was always skinny but now is so emaciated that her son is afraid to even touch her because touch is very painful to her. Still she refuses ANY medical help or intervention. I am trying to convince my ex to call an ambulance, have her taken to ER, and there have medical professionals offer her the option to sign the necessary legal documents so that she can refuse resuscitation efforts and life-saving measures. He has been driving out to her place every weekend, and comes back each weekend still saying she refuses to go! He is now concerned - rightfully so - that she will likely die and then he will be implicated and investigated for neglect. Seriously, what can we do here? I am the evil ex-DIL and cannot step foot on her property. I can call an ambulance from my home 2 hours away, but she can still refuse to get in it, and my ex and her sister won't make her go! Help!!!!!
She was 85 years old.
If it had not been colorectal cancer it would have been SOMETHING.
NO ONE writes the obit for an 85 year old and says "She died too young".
There is no need to blame HER for her cancer. Nor for her death. And there's no right to blame her for her choices. They weren't ours to make.
I got my first cancer age 47 35 years ago and treated it with everything. Beat it back for 35 years. Did the chemo and etc; had a daughter just raised and on her own and wanted to be there for her, a new relationship and lots of life to live. I am very grateful for those happy 35 years.
That was 35 years ago and now another diagnosis of cancer at 81. This time I will decide for myself what to do at this ADVANCED AGE. I had the lumpectomy but did not allow withdrawal of nodes, will not have radiation, will not have chemo.
We all die of something. I have the lump off and clean margins and will hope for some few good years, but if cancer is what takes me then it will have to beat out atrial fib, stroke, coronary artery disease I already have due to just the aging process.
There is no need to blame your MIL. This was her choice for her own life and for her own death. She did not have to face her cancer for more than a day. She got to stay in her own home. Do you think she would have been happier in Happy Valley Convalescent with a colostomy bag to deal with, with the coming losses of more years if she had to live them?
Just from my own perspective as an old retired RN, I doubt it.
I am sorry for this grief. She made her choice. Your husband could not have changed that no matter how he had intervened. No one has to fear for her and watch every loss coming with age, and she doesn't have to endure that.
She did it her way.
Allow that to be and be happy for her that she did it her own way and is now at peace.
Just my personal opinion. The moment we are born our death is certain. She had a long life. She is at peace. Allow yourselves now to also be at peace. One needn't understand another's wishes to recognize their right to them.
Years ago I was having chest pains that were quite painful for hours. My daughter who was 13 years old at the time, came home from school, took one look at me, and said Mom, call 911. I said No. She said Call 911 or I will. I said Don't you dare! She called 911. The EMS team wheeled a stretcher into my bedroom and wheeled ME out on it. My blood pressure was 200/140. Not just from my daughter thumbing her nose at me, but because I had pericarditis, unbeknownst to me.
Sometimes in life, we have to go against our parents wishes and do the right thing, whether they like it or not.
So there is that. We can stop eating or drinking any old time we would like and no one can force us into care because of it.
VSED Handbook by Kate Christie makes that clear.
People doing this therefore see (voluntarily) an attorney usually and an MD with letters of intention.
HOWEVER, it is on this OP to call EMS and let her refuse. She has not seen an MD. He cannot know if she is mentally ill.
He will be seriously questioned for not seeking help if he has stood witness without intervening I am thinking.
If THEY don't force her to ER I will be surprised.
You are likely correct that she is dying, and that she will die.
That is and has been her own choice.
There is no reason that her son has to witness her dying in her own home and face questions of authorities as to why he did not summon help.
So you should now call EMS.
PERIOD.
Other than that, say she has always been in her right mind, has always said no to hospital, and that no one could change her mind.
She is 85 and has had a long life on her own terms, made her own choices, and lived at home all her life.
Is that not one option? It seems to me that it IS her option.
You need not worry about DNR papers now.
No medical personnel will work overly hard to keep an 85 year old woman, whose son tells them has made these choices for her own life, live. They may do some initial workup and resuscitation, but if son tells them to stop (as he should) they will stop.
We all die. Some of us die fighting to live.
Some of us die in our own homes on our own terms.
I am sorry. This must be distressing.
If son chooses he can call authorities such as APS or Sheriff's office. They will handle getting emergency services transport whether MIL wishes it or not.
I DO fear if you do not do this now you may face questioning. Your MIL has chosen her own exit, but it is an unusual choice.
I am very sorry.
She's your ex-MIL. You have no obligation to save her, but you should try and then let chips fall where they may.
Can you update us.
I am concerned for you all.
I've posted an update above. Thank you for asking, and thank you for your concern.
Your husband should document his visits and attempts to get mom to care. Others are probably correct that he should call 911 to make it official that SHE is refusing to go. Sadly, its a lose/lose because MIL clearly wants to die in her own home, and if she is forced to go (which is definitely what would happen where I live), she will probably be given IV fluids and other life extending measures that will just end in more suffering. Hopefully, she is competent to sign DNR papers and avoid this.
If this were yesterday, I would have given a different answer. But last night my friend told me the story of her son finding her mother dead on the toilet, with evidence of vomiting blood. My friend, a nurse, was very involved in her care, but mom wanted to be at home with no help other than family. She was not on hospice or deemed terminal.
After walking into this horrific scene, and watching the EMT's "work" her mother for what felt like an eternity (no DNR), she was questioned at length by the police for elder abuse.
So sorry you are going thru this. I felt that my MIL was playing her boys in the beginning. I think she thought by not participating, they would discharge her. Getting ur MIL to the hospital may do nothing for her, but she may be given comfort care to help her through her final days.
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