My mom has Alzheimer’s and was diagnosed about 3 years ago. Before, during and after her diagnosis, I was working full time and also her primary care giver. I am the only daughter of 4 children ( 3 brothers all in the area).
I have a job that allows me great flexibility and have always been very close to my mom. Before my dad passed away (15 years ago) I took care of him as well, splitting the time with my mom actually. This is just the role I have always had and wanted to take on. I was at my moms house and everyday, took her to all of her appointments. Dr., hair, shopping, grocery’s, etc etc. I was the person who initiated testing, found Dr.s, helped her with her depression etc.
After my mom was diagnosed it was decided that my mom needed more help and had to move. In the meantime (I was not aware) my mom appointed one of my brothers her durable POA, and in charge of health care decisions. (with my other brothers as having a say as well, I was excluded, and have no idea why)
My mom has been in a senior living home for about a year and very happy. I am happy for my mom but extremely resentful for the decisions she made in excluding me.
Since then things have really changed with my brother who has POA. He literally treats me like crap, is mean and nasty and basically hates me despite my efforts to get along. I have finally figured out that he has been privy to the things my parents did for me financially when I was going through a very ugly divorce. (this was before my mom was diagnosed)
This is the root of his hatred toward me, he feels I was given special treatment and despises me for this.
My concern is, I have no idea how far his reach is in regard to my mom (parents) will and if he can change it based on his feelings toward me. He has already done some things to try and take away things parents gave me. Can he change the will? Do I have a right and how am I able to see it? I have asked the attorney and he said he can’t show me unless my brother says it’s ok.
i don’t trust my brother at all and certainly not with decisions made that would benefit me, that he has power over. I have lost so many days to this, crying, depressed and so hurt.
this is literally killing me. In addition I am so hurt by my moms decisions about her estate. What can or should I do?
I remember a writer on the forum where her brother was made financial POA for their parents even though he had always been very careless with money, yet the daughter was a CPA.... [sigh].
Even with Alzheimer's/Dementia, it depends on if your Mom would be able to understand a legal document? If yes, then your Mom can make any change she wants.
A good "Elder Law Attorney" would be able to see if your brother was coaching your Mom to make any changes to her Will, thus would not allow that to be done. Your brother, himself, cannot make any changes to Mom's Will.
On a positive note, it is great that your Mom likes being in senior living. Too many have had opposite reaction where the parents wants to move out.
Who is the executor of the estate named in the will? The PoA stops the minute the LO is deceased. The PoA and executor can be different people.
If you mom is making these "decisions" when you have stated she has dementia, why are you falling apart over it as if she is of sound mind? She has dementia. She's not her old self. I would not take it personally, if I were you. It's a shame your parents didn't disclose the special help you received to the brothers so that they weren't surprised and had some context. Too late now.
Since you know who the attorney is, maybe you should ask him/her these questions? You could bring up how the PoA was changed while your mom was 3 years into ALZ. It may have an impact on legitimacy of the change of PoA.
If she has has dementia now then she cannot sign another POA since one has been registered and is in use.
it is such a shame when a sibling acts horribly towards another at such sad times. What should draw family together is being used to cause pain.
Since it was such a surprise, I’m wondering if some influence was used. Unfortunately you wouldn’t be able to prove that and your mum wouldn’t be deemed able to say even if she wanted to.
What he can currently do is decide on your mother’s behalf re her medical treatment or not and pay any expenses incurred on her behalf from her bank.
i hope things improve for you
Money isn't everything either, and whatever she has should be used for her well-being, and there may be nothing left anyway, independent living homes are expensive and she may have to be moved into Memory Care and could quite possibly live for many years there.