Can anyone recommend a book/guide for moving in with adult children? Does it ever work out?!?

An aunt and uncle built a mother-in-law suite onto their home for her mother. She was never in it except at bedtime. The lives of her family were much more interesting than sitting alone in her suite. 30 years later my cousin and his wife did the same thing for my aunt. Same problem, she had no social life and wanted to be in the rest of the house interfering in their lives. Neither woman had much social life and were lonely, looking for company.

If you go thru with this plan I suggest you sit down and discuss all the pros and cons including what happens when, not if, one or both of you becomes ill or needs extra help. Don’t make any assumptions, lay it all out and talk about finances, medical issues, companionship, privacy, visits, etc. You don’t say how hold any of you are, is the "childless" state likely to change? What happens if a job change moves them to a new city? Will you be considered tenants paying rent and contributing to utilities and expenses. How separate will your lives be?

The few times Mom stayed with me she followed me around like a puppy wanting to be involved and included in whatever I was doing. My aunt wanted to help by cooking meals and kept forgetting to turn the stove off. How do you intend to keep your lives separate and be independent?

If the "in-law suite" is done correctly it really is not "moving in" with them. It is near or adjacent.
As long as you have a separate entrance I would not consider that moving in.
I would set up a rental agreement so that you would be paying fair rent. (They can use the money however they want, kids college, pay off their house, save for their later years...)
If you need more help YOU hire caregivers to come in and help you. Or you pay them to help you.
For LONG list of what NOT to do read the posts here and for the most part do the opposite.
What you are planning can work.
By the way if they are going to build this In Law suite...it should be built or renovated so it is handicap accessible. No carpet, floors that can stay wet for an extended time, wide halls, wide doorways, or at least doors with full swing hinges. Roll in shower. Ramps if necessary

My daughter and SIL have made it clear that they would want us to live with us instead of being in a nursing home. We love them for that. So in a few years we will find a nice assisted living near them so that they can visit us or we them, and they don't have to take care of us. Problems prevented.

In helping caregivers with their loved ones for 15 years and having a similar experience as so many others, where do I begin?
There are 6 "pillars" to caregiving. Are you OK with them watching your health decline and knowing they cannot help because it's called aging? Are you OK with asking them the same questions over and over again, or maybe forgetting where you put things and they have to find it for you? Are you OK with them telling you they think you might have dementia and they would like a solid diagnosis so they can know what their future looks like? Are you OK with asking them to drive you because you can no longer drive? Are you OK with giving them your health and financial documents so they can know how much you have and how much you will need when they are overwhelmed and cannot do it anymore? When they need to hire home help, can you afford it? Are you OK with them telling you they can't do it anymore and it's time to move you? Are you OK with them finding a new senior facility that you can afford when the time arrives? Are you OK when they say "No, it's about your safety and you can't do this or that anymore."? Are you OK with them becoming your parent someday? And are you OK with them leaving for vacation without you and having someone come in to watch you? Will you accept the outside help easily and with courtesy, so they won't feel guilty when they do take time off to live their lives? Are you OK with all of this and more? If not, then live your life in a senior facility where there are new friends and fun to explore and all of you will be blessed because your love stands firm with relationship, not responsibility. How fresh your love for one another will stay!!

If there is a “book” it does not matter. What matters is do you think that you will get along with your son and daughter-in-law. Have you been friendly living separately to each other? Have you shared experiences together? Have you expressed “love” for each other? Have you gone on vacation together? What will happen if you need their assistance for health or financial aid? How independent are you now? Do want to continue to be independent? Do you share the same or similar interests? What about your and their politics? Are your and their personalities compatible? Do you like their house? What about the neighbors? What if it does not work out, will you pay them back for their investment?

We built on a MIL 950 square foot apartment onto our house. We do not resent having my MIL at all. She lived in her side and we had a door that connected. We hired someone to come in everyday to help clean, help with her meals and to keep her company. She stayed there for about 5 years until she needed to go into a nursing home. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

While my Grandfather didn't live with us he did live next door in his own house. My parents had purchased the lot their house was on and built their own house, at the time both my mother's parents were alive. Grandmother died about 10 years later and Mom took on the caregiver roll while raising me. Most of the time it only was taking him to medical appointments and he joined us for dinner each evening. She did mention a few times that the burden of caring for him had fallen on her since she lived so close, both sisters were married and had moved out of town. I also have a friend living in a multigenerational home and it is working out fine for them. Her husband was diagnosed with Lewy Body and after that my friend and her daughter both sold their existing homes and purchased one where they could have separate and shared living space. As he husband progresses they will have the support of daughters and family and in the mean time they get to spend lots of time watching their grandson grow up.

I think it's going to depend on the people involved and what expectations are and setting
boundaries.

I would say NO it never works out. Actually it never works out as per everybody's expectations unless these are fully discussed, documented and contingencies put in place or at least agreed for any change in circumstance. One can go into this with the very best will in the world, at the medical state of all concerned at the time, but look to the future and what is likely/possible to change and agree what is and isn't possible to manage. Put down expectations, and who will pay what, transport, care, personal care, housework, household chores, going to work, nursing care, room access, meal arrangements. There is a lot to consider and the more of it you can sort and agree before hand the less there is to cause resentment or bad feeling in the future.

mawood: Ideally, you and your husband may want to do a trial run of living with your son and daughter in law before they spring the financials for the "in law suite," if possible. Perhaps it won't work out living there, e.g. different dynamic, other decisions, et al.

My husband and I bought a house with our only son and his wife about 4 years ago. The house already had an in-law apartment. It is on the ground level with our son being above us. We have our own kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and den. We had a lawyer draw up papers showing that w own 50% and Son owns 50%. We pay 1/2 of the bills. We see our son and his family several times a week but totally respect their space and privacy. I feel that if we made it through Covid we should be okay! My husband and I have already discussed getting a cleaning lady when we cannot do it any longer. We have also discussed a care facility when that time comes. Our son said they would look after us but we feel that would become a burden for him and his wife.
we have our own garden and back yard. So far so good! My husband and I are both in our 70’s.

For the purpose of assisting my dad in caring for my invalid mother, we purchased a large home together. My husband is an architect. We redesigned this home which gave them a handicap-designed suite with 2 bedrooms, 3ft doors, and large shower big enough for my mother’s wheelchair to roll into. Laundry too was in their suite. (Mother had an aide come 3x/week to shower her/change her sheets/etc.) A living and dining area with their furniture was right inside the front door - A place dad liked to sit (and escape from Mom.) Also, they had their own HVAV unit and water heater but the living area was in another zone. We split the purchase of the home and renovation equally. Property tax split equally. Bills: 3 of us and 2 of them. They paid 2/5 of every bill. Dad, for a couple of years, did the grocery shopping which was great. He would buy exactly what I wanted but eventually slid into buying the cheapest item which I didn’t want. Split groceries 2/5 and 3/5. Dad was very frugal and I was menopausal and he didn’t want to pay his part of the electric bill because he was cold in the summer sitting in his living area that was in a different HVAC zone. I agreed to 3/4 of the electric bill. I was fixing dinner for all of us in the summer in TX. There is an AC vent in the ceiling above my kitchen sink. I realize that I am hot. Sure enough, the thermostat (around the corner from the kitchen) is on 80. I turned it down to 75. Ahh!! But, 15 min later I am hot again. Thermostat back on 80. Dad had sneakily turned it up again! He was thin and wore a fleece all the time. This time, I turned it back to 75 and told him to go to his side of the house if he was cold!

As cost saver, Dad installed a water heater timer on both his suite WH and the other main living area WH. His life was very predictable. On Mondays, my wash day, I often forgot to turn on his WH. I used all the hot water for laundry and Mom’s shower was a cold one! More than once I heated water for her shower on the stove. My family’s life was not nearly as predictable as his. Running the dishwasher late after guests leave. Taking a shower in the afternoon after working in the yard. I finally stopped the function of the timer on the main WH to allow for life to be unpredictable. He was irritated but lived through it.

A benefit of living together- we could keep a closer eye on them. Kept a nursery monitor in their bedroom. My husband many times got up in the middle of the night to put my mother back into bed as she had fallen while using her bedside potty. While we were on vacation once, my brother came over to check on them. Saw a Western Union receipt in Dad’s office. Wanted to know what that was about. Dad got involved in a foreign lottery and was sending $ to them via WU. Asked my mom what she wanted me to do about it. “Stop it!” We stopped him by parking behind his vehicle so he couldn’t leave to send $. Though he was fuming, the bogus activity stopped. He lost over $3000. If he hadn’t lived with us, it would have been so much more.

An unforeseen issue was 2 masters of the same house. Once, my dad sat in my husband’s office while a client was there for a meeting. Dad wanted to see what was going on. Not cool! My husband and Dad butted heads much more than anticipated.

All this to say that you can plan and plan but something unforeseen will come up that you must either work through or stand your ground.

Also, because the extra bedroom was in their suite (Dad’s office), I lost my guest bedroom which I missed. We displaced our son to our bedroom sofa several times to make room for our guests.

Hope this helps guide the decision making when planning to live together.

Hello Mawood

Welcome to you and your husband for
reaching the years of “Grace”not everyone has lived to enjoy this time.

So ,God bless you and your husband 🙌🏼.

As you and your husband discussion your new living options,do write down the pro an con.

1. Where do you and husband vision as the ideal place of residence.
2. What would be the rules and boundaries;which will give peace and enjoyment.and happiness for both of you. This can create memories for all.

Deciding to live close to family must be discussed. All questions must be put in writing yes. This can also be a business negotiation, because property is being talked about.

Do seek professional counseling. Learning all pro and con can save everyone involved from misunderstanding.

When the Love of family is there,but money,property,etc can destroy relationship without document deeds in writing.

So best wishes to you all, and everyone involved will think with your heart, and do seek wisdom from outside resources also.

Peace!

My grandmother successfully lived with mother for about 9 years. They lived together in my grandmother's home while my mother's home was remodeled to accommodate Gram's mobility issues. When the remodel was complete, Gram lived with my mom for 7 years - until Gram peacefully passed in her sleep. They were roommates in the very real sense of sharing the home.

My mom lived with us for 6 months when she sold her home and moved into our state. It was not as peace-filled. Part of the problem was that this was supposed to be a temporary, "couple of months," situation. Part of the problem is that my mom has lost her sense of smell - can't detect the smell of unclean things or mildew. Part of the problem was that she tended to encroach into other areas of our home with her things. We gave her autonomy in a bedroom, a "bonus room" for her living room, and a bathroom. She started filling other parts of our home with her things - that smelled or had mildew. Did I mention that I am allergic to mold and mildew?

So, here is what I have learned.
1 - Write up an agreement after a series of conversations.
2 - Talk about which areas each person can use and decorate. This should include any structural changes to an area.
3 - Talk about how the utilities will be paid.
4 - Talk about how the mortgage/rent and insurance on the home will be paid.
5 - Talk about maintenance of home and yard as well as cleaning.
6 - Talk about food and storage areas.
7 - Talk about lifestyle/customs - quiet hours, where to eat food (in Florida, we have a huge problem with bugs), OK to walk around in jammies in common areas... These types of issues can create nuisance type stress.
8 - Right now you are reasonably healthy and mentally aware. Thank God! You need to talk about what happens if anybody starts having major health issues.
Is there finances or help if on of you must have a person all the time. What about transportation for multiple doctor appointments or treatments?
9 - Is there any situation that would be a deal-breaker for living together? I know that most families can not handle caring for a person that requires 24/7 care. Issues of nobody getting 7-9 hours of daily sleep, no time off for "couple time" or outings, and no time to care for anybody other than the sickest person... create stress, burnout and even resentment. Better to talk about this concern and have a rudimentary plan of how to handle it.

Think of this time together as "roommates" with "family benefits". The success depends on everybody communicating his/her expectations and all people coming to agreement.

Mawood, can you answer some questions?

Do you and your husband respect your son and his wife?

Do you view him as an adult or do you still see him as your child?

Do you love her as your own?

Have you ever said anything derogatory to her or about her?

Do either of you feel like it is okay to make your son feel guilty about you, do you think that they have an obligation because you raised him? Have you ever tried to create fear in your son to get your way?

Do you know what good boundaries are?

Are you both willing to step aside as the masters of your home?

Do you expect your son and DIL to be responsible for the chores that you find too much?

Are you willing to pay and accept help from hired providers? Whether that is cleaning your house, getting your groceries or wiping your bum.

Are you both considered good house guests?

Can you bring anything to the table that would enrich the lives of everyone? Ie a good sense of humor, cooking skills, a good ear for listening.

Who came up with the idea? Was it them in response to you or husband carrying on about how all of it is too much? Was it them being proactive and they really want to do this because that is the kind of relationship that you all have?

I recommend having some very frank discussions with everyone involved, address the questions here, as well as the questions about what will this look like when your or hubby requires 24/7 care.

I have seen these situations work beautifully, because of the mutual love and respect. The willingness to do something else when it no longer works for everyone involved and I have seen friends literally lose their minds because they are being treated as a child by their parents.

Only you 4 know the truth, please be open and honest before making this huge life changing decision. It will make the difference between success and utter failure.

I think that would be ideal as long as you would have you own space. That includes kitchen, bath, living and bedroom. You would have your separate home on their property and both families, as neighbors would be independent, but still close enough for family visits and emergencies. This would work well as long as each of you does not intrude on the other, and respect everyone’s privacy.

Will the in-law suite include kitchen area, private bath, etc. Enough amenities so that you could both live there without having to use same facilities that they use. You could go to cook when you want, nap when you want, go to bed at your regular hours without being interrupted by their household activities. If this is an add-on to their house - I would think about these things. If this is a separate free-standing unit on the property, sounds doable.

You could consider a flat rate per month to help cover utilities and other common household expenses. The proceeds from selling your home can be used for things you need now or in the future: housekeeper, in home health care, to move on to assisted living or other facility care if/when it can not be managed while living at their property. I suggest you keep very good records of your income/house sale money and what you spend it on. Should you use up your own savings/sale from house and need nursing home care, you will have to have records to show how that money was spent. Money spent on rent/utilities is expected, however other monies given to your family will create penalty period on when Medicaid will start paying for a nursing home bed.

All in all, I see this as something good. You are closer to another set of eyes to observe both of you as you age and much easier for a child to help you. Parents who refuse to budge from their old house create a lot of extra work for the children. Much easier to assist, observe and manage one house than two. Some of those parents fall and end up on the ground for long periods of time before a relative visits and finds them.

I’ve already posted but would like to add that it is sometimes hard to live with others, relatives or not! People have a wide variety of interests. I was never a ‘homebody’ and I like to stay up late watching a movie on occasion. My mom was a homebody and went to bed early. She and my dad ate dinner at 4:00! We ate around 7:00 most nights. So, schedules needed to be adjusted accordingly with snacks or eating separately.

Geeeeez, I remember issues with roommates when I was younger. I had one roommate that thought it was perfectly fine to move her unemployed boyfriend in with us. I put a stop to that immediately! He was eating everything in our apartment, not contributing in any way. My name was on the lease and I told them both to leave and I found a new roommate that respected the terms of being a considerate and responsible roommate.

Just traveling with others can be stressful. Once I was traveling with a friend and all she wanted to eat was McDonalds! I told her that she was dining alone because there was no way that I was going to eat junk food on my vacation. I went on vacation afterwards with people that had similar taste to me.

Living together is full time! Little things will start to grind on each other’s nerves.

I don't know what your relationship has been like with your son and daughter-in-law, but there are things that I would recommend. When my mother moved in with us we didn't have much of a discussion about who would do what in the kitchen, whose furniture would be used, kitchen, towels etc., etc.. We also had some emotional baggage that we had never addressed. If I had to do it again I would have hired a counselor or mediator and spent some time deciding how the situation was going to work. My mother has been with us for 10 years now and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's dementia about 5 years ago. We get by day by day, and we still have our challenges. I have other friends that have had their parents live with them and do just fine. You both sound like reasonable people, and since there are no children involved, this could be a really good situation. I really would recommend some sort of outside source to help you figure out how the living situation is going to work. Staying out ahead of a situation really saves potential future aggravation.

I wasn’t prepared for long term care in our home (15 years). In fact, I actually thought that my life would become simpler by asking mom to move in with us.

Initially it was fine, because mom wasn’t dependent on us for everything and our children adored her, but as the years go by, the circumstances changed drastically. I wish that I had made the living arrangement a temporary solution until I could find placement for her in a facility.

Mom felt welcomed in our home but hated being a burden on us. She felt like her living with us was an imposition. We felt awkward asking her to leave. It becomes awkward for everyone involved. She didn’t want to insult us by asking to move elsewhere. By that time she grew used to our home being her home and started to fear living in a facility.

There is one question that I would seriously want you to consider. Do you wish for your child and spouse to possibly give up their lives entirely to care for you if health issues arrive? The dynamics of the relationship changes. Thus, children become caregivers instead of family members.

In our case, what was once a loving relationship became sour due to feelings of entrapment, fear, anxiety and depression. We were suffering with depression due to the isolation of never being able to participate in any activities outside of the home and the lack of having any privacy in our home. Don’t make the mistake of saying that those issues will never come up in your case. None of us have crystal balls.

Yes, it can work. My mom has lived with me and my husband for almost five years. We were still newlyweds when she moved into our home. Her physical and mental health has been steadily declining, and she is now totally dependent - but we were prepared going in. It is stressful for all of us. I’m lucky - my husband has been amazing to both of us.
I’m guessing your relationship with your kids is good, since they’ve invited you into their home.

Before you make this leap, discuss every possible scenario you can think of together, and prepare as best you can.

If you can afford to pay rent, do so. Take them to dinner, a play, a ballgame, etc. and/or treat them to a night out (without you) occasionally. Verbalize your appreciation to both of them frequently. Give them their own space, and help however you can - but remember, they have their own way of doing things and it is their home. Ask before jumping in! And always be honest if you need help.

If possible, speak with a family counselor and attorney together before you move in.
They may have offer invaluable advice. Try to maintain a healthy, open, honest dynamic, and get family counseling before things get unhealthy.

Don’t be frivolous with money you do have - you never know what lies ahead!
Remember to reward them for their generosity toward you in your will, if you have assets at the end of your life.
And if there are other family members (your other children, grandchildren, in-lapses, etc.) PREPARE them in advance, and be united with your son & DIL to let them all know to butt out, and not be resentful.

Best wishes to all of you. Remember to enjoy your time together. 💕

I think the two big issues are: Do you really like or enjoy being around them? Secondly, are you leaving your long time friends, hobbies, routines (moving away) to live in the guest house/apt? These answers might guide you. Good luck.

lealonnie1:
"On paper, it sounds so simple and lovely. In reality, it's a living nightmare for these children."

I don't think there is a book that could cover all the issues - even if there was, it isn't completely geared to you/your situation. This site has MANY discussions where pros and cons are discussed. Some insist staying in your own place and hiring help, some insist family should provide all the care needed and some (I would hazard a guess it's most) find this becomes a nightmare.

As Mepowers said: "Plan for the worst and expect the best."

Mepowers also said:

"You and your husband need to sit down and make a solid plan for your aging selves that is realistic and includes what will happen IF one or both of you become bedbound, develops dementia, incontinence, can no longer drive or cook a meal and all the various, ungraceful aging worst case scenarios that might arise in the future. Carefully consider the financial and emotional implications of those scenarios."
and
"The emotional toll of caring for or housing a parent can be overwhelming, and there are so many stories on this forum about good intentions that turned into absolute nightmares."

The first paragraph covers some of the issues that NEED consideration. Just having a "safe" place attached to your son/DIL's home sounds great, but there are so many ways this can go awry. Certainly a contract can be drawn up, to cover various scenarios, but it'll never cover everything. One of the biggest issues could be dementia. My mother lived in her own place when dementia came, and she refused to move anywhere. THIS is very common. How would S&DIL handle this? Major medical issues happen. What if one or both of you need more care than they can provide? What to do if they change their mind and want you out or you and your husband want out? They've paid to build it and are left with the cost.

Jamesj - whole comment is good!

It's good that you're at least considering the facts that caring for your own place has become an issue and change needs to happen. It's nice that they have offered, but you really need to weigh all options and considerations for what the future might present to you. A backup plan would be needed.

* No ages or medical conditions listed for them or you
* Understand future medical issues can seriously impact everyone
* Contingency plans if this plan fails and/or extra care is needed
* Independence for you and them

Downsizing is an option to consider. This could be another smaller home, but will come with chores you are trying to avoid. Senior apartments eliminate those chores, but may not be conducive to socialization. IL facilities, esp those associated with AL and MC can be helpful. They allow you to be independent and eliminate chores, but also have the advantage of built in social activities and assistance you can opt for, like meals, cleaning and laundry. They also have graduated spaces for if/when you need more help, such as AL and MC, without having to find another place. It would require you to carefully check the places, being aware of cost, what is provided, get to meet various people who work and live there when checking it out, etc.

Other potential downsides to living in this add-on space:
 * Is it in your area or are you removed from your old community/friends?
 * Are there transportation options available?
 * What plans are in place should you need extensive care?
 * What plans are there should the "arrangement" not work out?
 * If it doesn't work out, what are their plans for the space?
 * Future plans for the space after you move or pass on?

As the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt. The best of situations can change at any time. Your independence or theirs could be compromised. Negative repercussions might be the result if you choose to move or they ask you to leave. There are many considerations to making an "arrangement" like this and some can not be anticipated. It is a huge decision, for you AND for them. Tread carefully!

Personally I would think twice. What looks "good" now can turn into disaster down the road if the parents need more help and care.....and most assuredly they will need more help and care. Are you prepared to do this (like do it all or almost all) - do you have a life? Responsibilities? A job? Think long and hard. What will you do then and what will they accept in terms of what happens to them. Unless the relationship is super loving and you can handle what is to come, it might ???? be ok. but check out all the angles before you go this route. What happens if their situation negatively impacts your lives? Will you put up with it or go a different route? There are many things to think of and you better think carefully.

My MIL moved in with us; little apartment downstairs. She had funds for a daily person and help when we travelled. She paid the utilities as her contribution to expenses. She had a VERY EASY personality even when demented. I always loved her. Even so, when the time came that she needed two people to transfer her, etc, she went to a nursing home, gracefully. Her socializing was pretty limited by her energy; her daily provided much. We were extremely lucky with her daily who became a family friend. (Found her, by asking nice clerks at stores if they knew anyone. Friends tried to steal her.) Brief family visits did the rest. I don't think I could have managed, even with these minimal requirements, cheerfully, without her personality and funds.

Good answers. Could you consult an elder care attorney and get that person's opinion and experience about these situations? You might have a plan in place should you need more care, should they need to move, get divorced, etc. My MIL lived with us, but had funds to pay her personal expenses, etc., for a daily person, and someone to stay with her when we were away. She paid the house utilities as a contribution financially. She was not able to socialize much so we visited her in house apt and her daily provided plenty of company. She slept a lot at that point. She moved onto a nursing home near us at a later point. She had A VERY EASY personality even when demented. I considered her a good friend. I probably couldn't have lived with my own parents in the house.

It's always hard living with others.

You should try a weekend or week at a time.
If you own your own home, Rent it out and then if things don't work out, you'll have your home to move back in to.
It definitely must be a total place of your own with a kitchenette and your own door for coming and going.

Shold know about house rules, ect.

Know if you're suppose to stay in the in law suite unless invited to the house, ect.

I would stay in my own home as long as I could and if I could afford it, in time of need hire a Caregiver or Live In.

Someone else has mentioned a couple getting divorced after the parents moved into their home and made a large financial contribution to the in law suite. This happened in my family too.

The youngest son convinced his Mum to sell her condo and give him the money as a down payment on a home with a suite. Within 2 years he was getting a divorce, Mum’s name was not on the deed, she got none of the proceeds when the house was sold.

For OP, things to consider, where ever you move to:
transportation options for when you no longer drive. Do not expect a family member to be your driver.

Shopping, when it is too much for you, how will you get your groceries?

Repairs and maintenance? If you cannot do these, who will you hire?

Social Life. This is your responsibility, not ‘the kids’

Daily chores. Are you prepared to hire a housekeeper?

Personal Care. Who will provide this? I have made it abundantly clear that I will not bathe, nor wipe bums, to both my parents.

Finances. Are they in order? Who have you assigned POA? Is your Will up to date.

Rent, utilities and other money matters. If you move in, you should have a rental agreement in place, it will include your monthly rent, share of the utilities and other expenses. It will list those expenses that you will pay out of pocket too.

There is one thing I want to touch on that I have not seen addressed. My house is 55 years old. It is well maintained, structurally sound and although I could do some updating and refinish the oak floors, it is in great shape.

What chores are you finding challenging? How does the age of your house make the chores difficult?

I hired a fellow to help me in the yard 3 years ago after my lawn mower was stolen. He does the heavy work and I get to have fun puttering in the flower and veggie beds.

I hired a woman to help with a big project clearing out years of clutter inside.

Lastly I hired a crew to do a number of trips to the thrift shop and dump. I did not have the ability to move large furniture items.

If you are not yet ready to move out of your house, you can hire help for chores.

Have you made plans for more personal care in your own home if you eventually need that?

Would an "in-law suite" with your son be in their home? As many responses have suggested, if and when you and/or your husband need more and more help, expectations and resentments could become a problem when you are in someone else's home.

Again I wake up and read my emails and see another post here that parallels my life at this time. In 3 months I have to move into my oldest daughter's home. I have been on my own for many years. My wonderful Son in law is building me a room in the garage area. I know he will make it warm and comfortable. I will have to go into the house to shower and eat. My 3 grandchildren are at home still. They are very Respectful children. Because there are no places that I can afford I am forced to the Decision. I really want it to work out so much, I am keeping my mind set that being with my family will be a blessing for me and them. I have to make it work. I lived in Hawaii for 20 years I saw many Hawaiian people live all together in one home and they were at peace and they all respected each other. It can work! God Bless

It worked out for us, when my mom moved in. We had an upstairs apartment so she had her own space in our house, and she was in good health until the last 2 years of her life, at which time I became her primary caregiver (which is it's own story). She lived with us for over 20 years.

A few things you might want to consider, along with all the other things people here mentioned:

You say that you're finding chores more difficult. What sort of chores are you talking about? Are these things that I will assume your son and DIL already do, such as yard maintenance, snow shoveling, etc? In which case your moving in shouldn't add to that. However, if it's more the day-to-day stuff - housecleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking - then your being there will add to the work. I'm also going to assume that, since you mention the age of your home, you're already thinking about relocating/downsizing and you're not looking to put any major money into the home. Will you have the financial means, should the arrangement not work out, to find another place to live, be it assisted living or a smaller home?

Is this going to financially benefit your son/DIL? In other words, are they looking for you to help them with their finances, such as mortgage payments, etc.? This could be a potential sticking point down the road, because if things don't work out, there might be dissention about you and hubby leaving.

Whatever you do, and I believe someone else already mentioned this, but it bears repeating - you cannot look for your son/DIL to be your primary source of entertainment/socialization. My mom got involved in all sorts of activities - book discussion groups, volunteer work, traveling, etc. She had her own group of friends and carved out a very fulfilling life for herself. If she had solely dependent on me for that aspect of her life, I would have greatly resented it. If this is something you and your husband can do, I think it will help things very much should you decide to make the move.

I think it's very wise that you're trying to do as much research as you can before you make the move. What are your alternatives should you decided you don't want to do this?

Good luck, I really hope it all works out for you!