My mother is in MC 6 weeks now and I recently had some issues that I addressed with the appropriate people (and while I was upset, I wasn't mean or rude) and 4 days later my brother the POA, called me and asked what happened with mom; as I was telling him he interrupted me and said "You can't do that, be upset and complain" (about our mothers care) that is. I visit mom 2x a day and see things going on, am I really expected to not say things because I'm not the POA? My brother says they told him I made a scene (which isn't true, this was all done in privacy of an office but, I was raising my voice) and I can't do that. I was so upset I stated I wouldn't say anything to them again & got off the phone with my brother immediately. He sent me a text stating "If this is how your gonna act when I try and talk to you about mom, that's a problem and I will fix it." WTH does that mean? Does it matter who complains about things when they're not right (for example; my moms bathroom currently has ants in it, crawling around in the sink (she's grabbing them with her fingers not realizing they are ants). I am virtually the only family member (aside from my daughter) that visits my mother (1 bro sees her 1x a week - 1 bro never sees her) on a regular basis. As POA can my brother keep me from seeing my mother? I am her Healthcare Surrogate. I don't know how he found out but does it sound normal to anyone that they (the MC facility employees complained to my brother about me complaining about OUR moms care or lack thereof; especially, when we all discussed it. I left the conversation with a hug to & from both the caregiver and Medical Director) and I've seen and talked to them since. What am I supposed to do with this extra crap/stress I don't want or need in my life? I was complaining about our mother's care. Confused and frustrated!
When reporting an issue to staff, it is important NOT to be upset. Remain calm and take a "here is what I am seeing, how can WE get this fixed so it's not affecting my moms health?" path.
Is your brother saying " you cant do that" meaning that it is not a good thing to get upset ( not good) and complain ( also not good). Don't get upset. Problem solve.
My brothers and managed to keep each other in the loop about everything because it became immediately obvious to us that we ALL needed to know what had been addressed with staff, DON, etc. It helped that there was trust that we knew that we were all working for the good of mom and there were no hidden agendas.
Clear the air with your brother as soon as you can.
Two questions that concern me -
Why would anyone at the facility "tattle" to your brother about an issue that had been successfully resolved - I wonder what kind of game are they playing there?
Have you and your brother always had a contentious relationship? Is there some reason he views you as an adversary rather than an ally, and if so can you find a way to put that aside for your mother's sake?
What do you mean "Medical Surrogate". Is it Medical POA. Something Mom has assigned u too. Does brother have financial only? Because if this is so, then brother handles the financial and you handle the medical, which I feel Moms care is part of. If brother has both financial and Medical I don't understanding u having Med. Proxy. My Moms Medical POA was written like a living will.
I too tend to get "upset". I found asking a question works better than being "accussing". Say things like "There are ants in Moms sink, is there anything that can be done to get rid of them". You want these people to be your friends.
You and brother need to figure out what your responsibilities are. If brother wants to handle staff, let him. Text him any problems you see. Some you may just have to except. I used to ask my daughter what I should complain about and what I shouldn't. Realize that the facility works on a schedule. I had a problem with Mom being ready for appts. The first time she had breakfast and her food was all down her. I had to change her. The next time they had let her go down for a nap knowing I was coming. She was very confused after just waking up. TG I gave myself an extra half hour. It dawned on me that maybe this all wasn't really the ALs responsibility. It was mine to get there early enough to make sure she was ready not the staff. I was going to ask the next time Mom had an appt but she ended up going to LTC so I didn't bother.
ALs are residences not nursing facilities. The resident is responsible for some things. Make sure you know what she is paying for. If they aren't following thru, then say something. My Moms room was suppose to be cleaned. There was dust everywhere. I was told because of some damage, the cleaning lady was told not to dust where nick nacks were. I can understand that but, her headboard wasn't dusted, her TV stand wasn't dusted or the window ledge that had a potted plant on it. Nothing is going to be perfect. Too many "humans" involved in her care. Pick and chose ur battles. I also suggest you back off on your visits. Mom needs to get used to her surroundings and the staff caring for her. 2x a day maybe a little much to visit.
I would say you have every right to speak to whomever you'd like at your mom's place. Emotions can run high when dealing with our loved ones care, and the staff should be very familiar with that! But, if you have caregivers shooting off their mouths and exaggerating things to your brother, that can cause a real mess. I think the others are right in that you need to talk to your brother and let him know you're not trying to step on his toes, just trying to get mom the care and attention she deserves and is paying for. Perhaps both of you can be present for the next care conference, both expressing individual concerns you'd like addressed.
Your brother may have his hackles up because he feels like you think he's not doing his job properly......you know what I mean? Men can be like that......clear the air with him by having a good heart to heart, letting him know how hard this is for you, and how you want to work together to get mom the best care possible. This is new to both of you, so lay down the blueprint for how to manage things from here on out. Together as a team, working toward the same goal.
Finally, it's not acceptable to have ants crawling around in your mom's sink, or for you to be cleaning toilets or mopping floors. It's also not acceptable for the staff to be causing friction between family members, if that's what they're doing. So you and your bro need to agree that this facility needs to step up their game or you will move your mom to another MC. You are both on the same side here,,,,,remember that, throughout the stress of this difficult time.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace and resolution
Your concerns are valid. Only 6 wks. at a MC.....of course you are upset. Keep on talking. The staff has seen an upset family member now and then. How upset do you think you came across? It is understandable, but follow the advice of CWillie and Barb. Imo.
However, it does sound to me that perhaps between your own "I was upset" but not rude and their (or your brother's) "caused a scene" may lie the "truth", whatever THAT is. They always say there's your truth, my truth and THE truth. For me I am no longer even certain about that last one.
Your brother is POA for financial? Were your Mom to lose her position in her current faciliity it would fall to him to try to find one as good. I would say that you should look on this as a chain of command thing. Certainly report ants, any pests, and dangers; do ask an employee if they have time to come to the room with you.
I do think also, if you have a list, you should first go to your brother and speak with him (how often does he visit) about what you are seeing; ask him to go over with it with you. Then the two of you approach the administrator of the facility together for explanations.
Someone below says you have "healthcare proxy"? I missed that in the above. If you do you should be concerned with things that impact care, health and safety of your Mom for sure; it's your appointed job.
Your versions of your brother saying that the facility says you "made a scene" and yours that it was hugs all around as you left them isn't a good match here and especially if your brother is threatening your ability to see Mom. I suspect it is more in the relationship of you two siblings than in the facility or in Mom and her needs. You say your brother claims you are making scenes, and seems to threaten you can't visit? Are you certain he didn't just suggest you may be seeing Mom too much at twice a day? For perhaps her good and yours? If not, the hugs--your version--and the "scene"--his version makes me feel like GASLIGHT is happening somewhere.
I would start here. Go to whomever you spoke with and who gave you the hugs. Say that you spoke with your brother and that someone suggested you had made a scene. That this was certainly not your intention, and if you were overzealous in anything you said in your concern, you apologize wholeheartedly. Just kind of gage their reaction. As to your brother, tell him that you went and apologized for anything you may have said that seemed offensive. But that as health care proxy it's your DUTY to report anything that is a health and safety concern and that you will do so gently as you are able and keep him informed, and in fact will accompany him to the administrator should he prefer.
IF you are her POA for health care I very much doubt you can be banned from seeing her unless you are disruptive indeed. Facilities are used to dealing with concerns, pain, worry, guilt, anxiety and complaints, in both the residents and the family, all the negative emotions as it is what they do 24/7 pretty much.
Wishing you luck. I think try as hard as you are able to build a good, strong, support network between yourself and your bro. It is very important, and especially to the well being of your Mom. Warring siblings puts her in the middle. She is too old and too frail and too weak for that. She doesn't deserve it. It will hurt her lot more than a mess of ants in the sink; she probably dealt with ants in her life. Wish I had a penny for each nest I dealt with!