My 96 year old mom is behaving very mean and nasty with her provider by being mean and accusing her provider of trying to kill her and stealing her things in the house like blankets and sweaters and anything she wants. When i ask her about it she says that i dont know her cause im not there. she is alone with the provider for about 5 hours but we my sisters and i can see that what my mom says is not true . she gets jealous and says that we love the provider more than her just cause we tell her that she would not do anything like that. she makes life miserable for herself by waking up mad at the provider and not letting her help her by dressing her or she will not let her comb her hair.
"Understanding the Dementia Experience"
My mom has finally accepted the help and her caregivers know when she "barks" it usually means she is frustrated, tired, hungry or doesn't feel well.
We find that facial expression and voice tone has a lot to do with what will generate a hostile response. However, for some reason, the caregiver is in her crosshairs from time to time no matter who it is or how that person approaches her.
Your comment reminds me of an incident I had with my father. There were two individuals at our house - a visiting nurse and a physical therapist. Both were very nice and very attentive. But for some reason my father was very hostile towards the visiting nurse. In fact, when it was time for her to leave he would not let her get past to walk out of the front door. He demanded that she use the back door and walk through the yard to get to her car. When it was time for the physical therapist to leave, my Father let her use the front door with no problem. Go figure. :-)
My mother and I had been the best of "buddies" for years and we were very much alike so we did things together, however at a point in her dementia she accused me one day in front of the entire family that I had told her she had a horrible smile, therefore she was refusing to smile for a photograph. My heart literally hurt that she would make such an accusation. I figured some members of the family would believe her and run with it to try and accuse me of abuse in some way. Later she began to check on everything, and accused me of stealing from her and taking her money. This was killing me because I was the only child trying to protect her and her money, telling siblings there were no more back room deals in asking Mom for money that was never repaid!
Also they will be mean to their caregivers because the caregiver is their "jailer" of sorts who keeps them in "line" so to speak, and does not let them do dangerous things and makes them bathe and eat and they do not like it. They see their actions as normal and the caregiver is "butting in" and acting like their parent. They are confused but they have moments of clarity and they do not like being treated like a child. Try as we might not to treat them as a child, they still feel that we are taking over their lives and they resent it.
Being a caregiver is very difficult and becomes even worse as their disease becomes worse. It is very hurtful to hear the things they say both to you and about you, especially when you have given up your life to provide care to them.
If you have not already, I would suggest finding some type of nanny cam that you can check on the caregiver and your mother and just watch their interaction. Your mother may just be confused and the caregiver is wonderful, but remember the reverse could be true as well. Her actions are however all part of the disease.
I have written about this before, but my mom is 100% better after having been to a senior behavioral clinic where her meds could be fine tuned. What a difference. She is actually happy and realizes that she is lucky to be where she is (in the lap of luxury!). I would recommend it. It cannot hurt and insurance paid for almost all of it.