I feel so guilty even writing this, but sometimes I find it challenging buying my mom’s groceries. She lives with my husband and I, and we have a little boy with a little girl on the way. I know finances are tight for everyone, but right now we are just feeling an extra pinch/pressure with medical bills (I have a high risk pregnancy) and needing to get our house ready for the new baby. My mom has been retired for some time and has SS, but no pension or savings, so her funds are very limited. Normally I don’t mind helping with groceries, but lately it’s been a struggle to get my budget to balance without digging into savings. It doesn’t help that I’ve been on bedrest for a while now and have had to turn to the more expensive option of ordering grocery delivery, which is definitely a significant factor. I was going to place a delivery, and my mom added things she needs/would like and literally doubled the cost of the order, so I haven’t placed it. I then tried a separate order at a different store and same thing. It drives my husband up the wall and is part of why my husband and I maintain separate finances, so we don’t argue about my mom. For years I paid my mom’s credit card debt of over $1000 per month (which caused tension between my husband and mom) until I told her I could not pay anymore and a lawyer convinced her bankruptcy was the best choice and, while things are better now financially, I just find myself struggling still to split my paycheck so many ways when I have a family we started to care for, too. Of course, it isn’t easy trying to manage family tensions, either. I don’t know what I’m looking for honestly…solidarity or solutions. I know my mom needs help, but I’m just feeling overwhelmed myself right now.
You ARE NOT your moms bank. The fact that she didn't save or plan for her retirement is NOT your problem but hers.
So she will have to move into a low income senior apartment, go on Medicaid and go to food banks if she's needing help in that area.
How are you ever going to have money for your future and children if you're constantly spending it on your mom? So just STOP already!!!!
So instead of trying how to save money when paying for moms groceries, start helping her find a new place to live where all those issues will be on her and not you and your young family.
You owe your mom NOTHING!!! As in NOTHING!!!
So cut those aprons strings that you still have attached to your mom and start putting your husband, marriage and children first and let mom now figure things out for herself.
One. You paid her CC debt for years at $1,000 per month,
obviously she was overspending, it shows she is not responsible person.
Two. If you order groceries for your family and she orders for the same amount shows she feels entitled.
You know number one problem in marriage is about money.
Add to that stress of cost of living and another baby means your expenses will increase exponentially.
You can offer Mom to help with budgeting but stop paying for her expenses.
Get Mom signed up for a senior apartment , HUD type that her rent will be 1/3 of her social security check .
You have been enabling her by paying her bills and food .
Go get some counseling to learn to set boundaries . Mom could live a long time , and she will expect you to be her hands on caregiver too . Having Mom live with you will only get worse as she gets older .
I never think it’s good for young children to live in a home where their parents have to split their attention between children and an elder who can’t take care of themselves . It is not fair to the children .
Your life is stressful enough without her bad money habits she can't seem to stop.
Tell Mom to order and pay for her own groceries!
Having the grandparents move in is never like an episode of the Waltons.
She keeps her finances separate to avoid having uncomfortable strain with her husband over her mother .
The mother is the problem , she’s got to move out . She’s a threat to this marriage . OP needs to get serious counseling to learn to stop being manipulated , propping up , or feeling responsible for her mother’s finances .
An observation: Your mom didn't plan, save or adjust in order to care for herself in her old age. She apparently expected you and your family to make up for her negligence. That's kind of like jumping off the Empire State building and expecting someone to be on the ground holding a net.
Now your assets are going to be spent taking care of mom. You may not even be able to provide for your old age if you do that. This will pass a burden onto your own kids - welcome to the world, Baby Girl, and did you know that even though you came into this world naked and owning nothing, you already have one huge responsibility, which is taking care of daddy and me when we get to be your granny's age?
You need to think about where this is going and the precedent it sets.
Plus your mom should go live somewhere else.
Is your Mom going into the website under your name/password, or is she asking you to order these things? If she is going into your account herself, time to change the password, or double-check your order and remove items your Mom doesn't really need. Just tell her point blank you cannot afford to order these things.
No more exchanges without it penciling out for both of you. Rent, hourly babysitting, itemized food, everything. All on paper and agreed to month to month. You need a written budget and you need to set it up together. I know; that’s a lot of work with all you have going on.
You're adding another member soon so it’s time to start running your family like a business. When you sit down together for your monthly business meeting, if things aren’t balancing out you may decide this partnership isn’t working. The upside is that you will have taught your mom how to budget for when she’s out on her own.
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