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Hi everyone I’m new here. My mother is not elderly as she is 51 years old yet she behaves in a way that is as if she is. She has a series of health issues that she refuses to get checked out and every time she has an episode she expects me to run to her rescue. She hasn’t worked in like ever so I am her support, financial and pretty much anything that she needs, none of her other family members help out and since I’m an only child all of the burden falls on me. I am not free to live my life because it is spent taking care of her, being her support system and it is very tiring. It has always been this way, she is stubborn, does not listen and I truly believe that she is milking her illness to the max. This behavior has went on for years, and between taking care of my own child I feel myself getting burnt out. Since she’s fairly young and has no money I’m not sure if she’s even eligible for an assisted living facility of some sort. She has no care for helping me with bills, she just adds to them, she is the most selfish individual and she expects me to put my life on hold to assist her and I am sick of it. Does anyone have any suggestions because I have obviously tried talking to her, reasoning with her, I even moved out at one point and her health deteriorated even worse and of course everyone blamed me for it. I don’t know what to do. At this point, she has left me crippled financially because all of her medication is paid for by me, and if I can’t come up with it she always puts me on these guilt trips. When she has an asthmatic episode, somehow I am to blame, when she gets her medicine and is feeling better, she resorts to laziness and she does not help herself. She doesn’t drive, she barely helps around the house and somehow seems to think that because she is my mother I owe her my own life. She is not in any way appreciative of what I do and she acts extremely entitled. She has no hobbies, no friends and basically no life and wants to stay in that state. If she doesn’t get her way then she won’t hesitate to run over to a family friend or neighbor and embarrass herself and myself with the way that she carries herself and of course I’m the one to blame for her because they always say that “I should be helping her, after all she is my mother”. As if I don’t do enough. She is taking prednisone and she is addicted to it and won’t admit it, no matter how much I have told her the damage that it can cause, doctors have told her the same, she still insists upon taking it because as she says “it’s what’s keeping her alive”, and yet every 3 weeks she has an episode. I’m just sick of it, every time I feel myself moving up towards advancement in my life, she pulls me right back. She has ruined relationships of mine because of her repulsive behavior.

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Excellent ideas from Beatty. I do so agree that a change of scene can help you really see your situation so much more clearly, and also help you to see a way forward. It also gives you that much needed respite from the daily demands, so block the phone while you are away. I think you may have lost the ability to consider your own needs as they are drowned out by the constant demands placed upon you. The neighbours sound as though they are enjoying the drama - so don’t give them the floor show. Ignore them and do your own thing your way. It seems from your responses that you are finding some help here. I do hope so. It is so saddening to read of someone in your situation and we would all like to help you as best we can.
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How old is your child? What do you like to do together?

As a baby step, would you consider leaving for a weekend? Do you have friends to visit out of town? Or rent a last minute hotel room deal somewhere? Just go somewhere - even if it is to look out a different window. Amazing how a different view can lift your spirits - what a little time & space can do.

Tell Mom in advance. No drama just say 'I'll be away for a couple of days". Leave big clear phone numbers on the fridge for her Doctor, EMS, taxi & grocery delivery.

Over your weekend away Mom will either sink or swim. Start doing more for herself - or she won't. She may lean heavily on neighbours. So be it. They will get sick of that pretty quick! Or it will be tantrums, illness, call after call to force you back to being her rescuer. Block the calls. Or send an auto text reply "I am away at present". Stay strong.

Tell her in advance to call her Doctor or EMS if she gets ill. Do not return early. (You can speak to any medicos over the phone - give them the story).

A psych hold/evaluation may actually be the kindest thing - for Mom to be assessed & be linked to services to help her.
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You need to turn around, head back to where you were having a normal happy life and ignore the folks who tell you that mentally ill mom is your responsibility.

You mom has responsibility for HER life.
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If your mother is 51, you must be about 25. This is the age when people move somewhere completely different to take a new job. Go! At least 1000 miles! Tell ‘everyone’ it’s a great new job, you feel that you owe it for your own child to get your new career on track. Mother will find that she is quite capable of solving her own problems when push comes to shove. ‘Everyone’ can help her!

You will be delighted to find that all this fades from your mind remarkably easily when you find a new life a long long way away. No arguments, no fights, no reprisals, no b***hing, NO GUILT being rubbed in.
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Fedupandtired Oct 2020
I literally moved away from her before and she called me every single day, complained about her situation. When I ignored her, she went to neighbors and got family members to call me up to tell me about how badly her health deteriorated. When I eventually came back to visit her, she let herself go so badly, she practically was starving herself and her health got worse.. and ofcourse she was near death. I got blamed for it and got sucked back into it
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I was so struck by your story I felt I wanted to add to an earlier response I made to it. Through therapy, I understood that there is one major reason it is so difficult for people with selfish or narcissistic parents to see and understand what is happening to them without, and even despite, someone else pointing it out to them. Sufferers have been conditioned into believing that any focus or thinking about their own needs and wants is just pure self indulgence, and this is dismissed and discouraged as a sign of weakness. I think that's why sometimes only hearing a professional therapist tell you your needs and wants are valid allows you to accept this and make the necessary changes in your life. You might not have the time, funds or other resources in your life right now to see a therapist, but there are enough of us on this site who have had the benefit of therapy, so I hope you can believe us when we say you have every right to live your own life according to your own wants and needs and those of your child. Your mother's needs and wants do not have to be your concern. The nagging, conditioning voice might keep trying to but in and overrule the new focus on yourself, but you can push it aside without any feelings of guilt.
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Fedupandtired Oct 2020
Thank you for taking the time out to offer your advice, honestly I can say that in a way I have been conditioned because anytime I speak out or say anything I’m told oh, life is a circle, be careful what you do because your own children will do it to you. My culture is very big on encouraging this type of behavior and if anyone goes against it, then they are selfish and how dare them blah blah. It is truly tiring
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She's doing this to you at age 51?? People are giving YOU guilt trips? Omg! This is so dysfunctional. I feel for you so much. Having been raised by narc myself I know the hideous hold they get on their children, it's SICK.

Please, please move out and STAY OUT. If possible move thousands of miles away! I'm not kidding. You need to get far away from this toxic, SELFISH, mentally sick woman! I'm telling you, it will NEVER get better. For the sake of yourself and your child please move out.

I would make my plans quietly to avoid drama, and then the day before get your help lined up and just do it.

I know you will feel all kinds of FOG (fear, guilt, obligation) DO NOT listen to those twisted voices that your mother put inside your head. Just GO. When you are safely out find a good therapist, and don't look back.

Your very selfish and abusive mother will learn to fend and figure out what she needs to do for herself. At 51 she disgusts me. She is a horrible mother, and you are not her slave!

Please save yourself, I truly feel for you 😥

Edited to ask: Where is your dad in all of this?
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Fedupandtired Oct 2020
Yes, she’s doing this and she is only 51. This woman REFUSES to even make phone calls for her own doctors appointments, I’m expected to do it for her. Anytime I say no or put my foot down, I’m always threatened and told that I need to watch how I treat her because when I get old my own child will do the same to me. She has burned so many bridges that she literally has no friends, I’m her financial and physical slave, not to mention that I pay her bills. My father has pretty much washed his hands of the situation, because she wore him out as well. He seems to think talking to her will help but when she pulls this sick stunt, he tells me it’s not nice to I’ll treat the sick. Then they both gang up on me And start bringing up things about my past and it’s a truly sick cycle. He doesn’t live with us so ofcourse he isn’t privy to what’s going on and he doesn’t want her living with him either.
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Move and get on with your life. She will have to support herself.
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I have to say that I am exhausted after reading your post.

Please change your journey in life. We care. We can tell our story and give advice but you’re the only one that has the power to make a positive change.

You aren’t happy. You are beyond being overwhelmed. I am afraid that your mom may never be content in life.

Speak to a professional therapist to help sort out your emotions. It was one of my best decisions. Hearing an objective viewpoint is invaluable. It will be a gift to yourself that you will treasure.

Best wishes to you.
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I’m so sorry to read that your whole life has been blighted by your mother’s terrible behaviour. I totally agree with all the advice given here so far. What really stands out for me is the need for you to get away from this situation. Until you do that, it will be impossible for you to see and think clearly about what needs to be done in the long term - you are still young and should not be caregiving like this. You mentioned you’ve moved out before, so if this is still an option, do it again. This time, get some proper space for yourself and your family. If your mother acts up, she really is not your responsibility and SHE, not you, will need to find other ways for her needs to be met. Ignore the toxic neighbours, they are doing you no favours and are another reason for you to move out and away from these unsupportive people. This story is very familiar and topical for me, as I am about to ask my own selfish mother to move out of our home and into a residential care home. This will probably not go well. I hope that in the best case scenario she will come to terms with this, and after moving out we will be able to continue our relationship on a more even level without me doing all the caring. However, it is just as likely that she will scream, shout, accuse, and rage, regardless of the effect this will have on me. I am resigned to the fact that if this happens there may need to be a cooling off period where there is limited if any contact between us, until she is able to be civil and reasonably behaved towards me. It is devastating to think that things might come to this, but I keep reminding myself of the first words a counsellor ever said to me, that I am not responsible for other people’s behaviour and do not have to accept abuse from anyone. I hope you will remember these words when your mother is having one of her abusive episodes and that this will help you to stay firm about taking care of your own needs above hers. Be strong and allow yourself to have a life.
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You owe your mother your life?
No. That isn't how this works. How this works is that your Mother had you for her own reason, whether you were planned and wanted, or an accidental pregnancy. At the point she chose to bring a helpless babe into this world it was your mother herself who owed YOU. She owed you safety, love, and to teach and raise you toward independence and strength. Then you spread your wings and you LEAVE THE NEST.
THEN you have your OWN children, and you raise then alike with love toward strength.
That is the way this is supposed to work.
You are doing your mother no favors here. I mean no disrespect but you are co-ing your mother, creating more and more neediness as you fulfill her wishes or attempt to when in reality she is young. I am 78, and were I even at this age doing this to my daughter? Well, mine is the shame if that is the case, and hers as well if she agrees to do it.
I would suggest that you get help now that is professional in nature. You are not making good choices for yourself OR for your Mom. There are many ways to love, honor and support a parent. But acting as their unwilling, guilt-ridden slave and whipping post is not one of them.
This is something you should work through with a psychologist; way too complex for any help here. It will take time, and it will be the hardest work you ever did in your life. Much of this symbiotic relationship is keeping you safe from challenge, from building a solid and independent life for yourself. It is keeping you attached in to a Mom that should have been helping you lifelong to be ready to fly from the nest. And it is keeping your mother from growing herself in the ways she must.
I wish you luck. It won't be easy. As I said, hard hard work ahead. But do remember, you have free will, and your choices now are not the fault of your parent. They are your own choices for your own life.
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It is not right what your mom has done and you don’t owe her a thing. As you seem to realize this, based on your post, it seems the problem is getting from point a to point b. Does your mom qualify for disability? If so you could get her an inexpensive apartment and leave. Sounds like maybe you could live without the family friends or neighbors who are judging you. Live is too short to continue this way. You and your daughter are important and you deserve some peace!
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If she has these health problems she maybe able to get Social Security Disability (SSD) or Supplimental Income (SSI). If she qualifies for SSD she will get Medicare and Medicaid. If she qualifies for SSI she will get Medicaid. You need to go to your County Social Service Office and speak to a caseworker.

Assisted Livings cost 5k a month, at least. These are private pay. What Mom may qualify for is a HUDD subsidized apt. They charge rent based on her income. There are HUDD vouchers. There is low income housing.
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Fedupandtired Oct 2020
This is extremely helpful information. Thank you very much
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The “everyone” you speak of that’s blaming you or placing guilt on you about your mother are all doing that because they know she’s toxic and they don’t want to be responsible or involved in her mess. No mother that’s loving and caring would ever want her adult child to spend their life catering to a parent. We raise children to go off and fly on their own. Yet your mother is a user, she’s using medical conditions, and you, to avoid being responsible for her life. She’s not your responsibility financially, or in any other way. Prednisone is known as the “mean, hungry drug” as it often makes people both, but that’s still not an excuse to treat you as she does. Please leave this situation. Though your mother can’t see it, ultimately you’ll be doing both of you a favor. Don’t feel any need at all to justify or defend yourself, you’re an adult and don’t owe explanations for what you do. Don’t take calls if they involve attempts to manipulate or get you back in. Spend your money on your goals, your needs, your child. I’m truly sorry your mother is a user and not the mother you deserve. You’ll teach your child an important lesson by being the mother your child needs and showing that child that it’s wrong to be used.
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I can feel your upset and burn-out. This is so difficult. She is so young and so are you to be dealing with this. She has manipulated so long that it is difficult to get out of her web. I feel like you definitely need a strong support system to help you move forward. You and your child have many years ahead of you...and your mom probably does, too. I am sure there are more details and issues than you have space to post. My only suggestion is that you and your child set enormous boundaries...even if it means moving your home. It sounds like she could benefit from some social services as well. This probably sounds harsh, but I would make contact with Adult Protective Services and make it clear to them she is affecting your mental health and the mental health of your child. She is playing a 'learned behavior" game with you. Stop playing!
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Unless you have been surgically attached to her you can move out, you can have your own life.
Ignore the calls for help. She calls because she has "trained" you to respond in the way she wants you to.
She is an adult.
If she refuses medical help then at some point it will become serious enough that she will go to the ER and she will be seen, possibly admitted. At that point if they say she can not go unless some one will care for her you say..I am sorry I can not care for her, I am not equipped to care for her. The Social Workers will sort it out and she will probably be admitted to a Care Facility.
If it is determined that she can not make decisions for herself then a Guardian will be appointed. It can be a family member or it can be a Court Appointed Guardian.

**side note if her doctors are telling her to discontinue a medication how is she getting more? She is obviously seeing a doctor somewhere.
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Stop listening to "everyone" and move out and stay out. She has groomed you to be her servant and because you're an only (like me) you don't have anyone else to point out that she's selfishly and knowingly taking advantage of you and that it's sick and dysfunctional and cruel and evilly manipulative. No healthy mother raises a child for herself. Nothing good will come of your life if you stay. It may help you to seek counseling to give you the emotional/mental strength to disconnect from her. You are not responsible for her health or her happiness. She's an adult woman and has had her whole life to get her s**t together, sick or not. There are many people with disabilities who are still vibrant, independent people. There are services she will need to engage through social services, like SSDI, section 8 housing and welfare. You must not pity her -- she certainly has no pity for you. You probably have a co-dependent relationship so this needs addressing. Again, whoever in your family is "blaming" you for anything that happens to her must be ignored, even shut out completely. They will all be mad as hornets when their servant wakes up but you must move forward for yourself and your child. Eventually they will respect you more for reclaiming your life. If she lives with you and you don't want to move, a counselor may be able to provide guidance on how to get her out. Otherwise you will need to be the one who moves. I wish you much strength and much success as you move towards freedom and happiness!
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kimbo56kdm Oct 2020
I’m an only child who kept getting swept back in n now I’m 64 n still taking care of my mom n I have no life of my own. Get out while you can.
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