My brother is moving mom from assisted living against the doctor's advice. What can I do?

I wrote this experience for my husband, so this is really refers to my brother-in-law and his wife. We have sat down and tried to talk things out with them, but he thinks that since he is the Poa that he is right and no one else's options matter. He is the middle child. My husband is the oldest, 61. The will was set up the way it was because at the time my husband was starting up his business and my father-in-law knew he was very busy. It probably never occurred to him that my mother in law would end up in this condition. He passed away about 12 years ago. their younger brother is a team driver with his wife and they are gone a lot. I don't think they have a clue of what goes into my mil's daily care. Because of this he is just riding the fence on this. Since the time the will was made we now own two businesses, and my husband has had at least 2 seizures, both while driving. He can't drive at this time, so he has to depends on one of his employees or me to get him back and forth to work. He is also recovering from arm and shoulder surgeries and has just finished PT. He has other health problems, as do I. My bil is getting ready to move my mil any day now, even though all of the siblings received a letter from the attorney advising against it right now. We can't do anything more right now. We have talked with our neighbor who is a retired preacher, a councelor and friends and they have all told us that we have done what we think is in the best interest of my mother in law and we just need to turn it over to God now. So that is what we intend to do. That doesn't mean we won't be worried about her or be wondering how things are going. And, if we get a chance to visit we will be looking for anything that doesn't look right. Then we will take matters into our own hands. Thank you all for sharing your stories and for all the heartfelt and good advice you gave us. It is nice knowing there are such caring people out there.

Some thoughts as seen from the other side. I was staying in Independent Living with Mother and cat, care-taking her, 24 x 7. I was and still am POA, The facility, my cousin and brother walked all over me and Mother's Doctor and Mother's stated wishes. They went ahead with a "Care program" that was too rigoerous. Mother was injured in her first meeting. That was the last time she had any independence, i.e., walking, showering herself, etc. There was a series of negligent acts, a hospitalization and pnemonia while Mother was in their Health Care Center without a visit from their Dr. which was their absolute duty. I had to call 911 to get her out of there to have her treated at a hospital. We went back to her I.L. apartment. I nursed her back to a better health condition where she could walk with a walker. (She never used a walker before this) The facility, brother and cousin wanted her in Personal Care. I was then not permitted to stay overnight. They made up a story that I left her in a pee soaked bed while I had a Nurses Aid in to go to a Dr. myself. When I got back I was told to take her to the emergency room or they would call the police. (Months later the 1st Nurses Aid who was with my Mother confirms to me that Mother was not in a pee soaked bed when I left nor when she left and another Nurses Aid took over.) The emergency room Dr. put in patient records that there was no reason to have Mother sent to the emergency room or for Mother to be sent back to Health Care then to Personal Care. She stated that Mother could be sent back to Independent living. While I had power of attorney the facility and my cousin had power my and politics. I documented everything. Personal Care was a nightmare with me being set up, lied about, hours were cut. There was negligence to the extent that Mother was close to being blinded and her life cut short. She lost any balance. The facility didn't bother following the Eye Dr.'s orders on administration of Mother's Glaucoma eye drops. She suffered from Charles Bonnet Syndrom, visual hallucinations. Some of them were scary of a man hiding in her closet. I kept my eyes open to realization that she was sexually approached by a Maintenance man who was cozying up to her. I complained to everyone and many agencies. I took advice from Aging Care responders to my topics. When my hours were cut to 5 days a week, 4 hours a day, my son took more hours on and he managed to get her out of there to a heavenly facility near our home. I am Mother's full time caregiver. We have been here 9 months and she is not where she was before the rogue actors came to play but has improved somewhat since we got her out of that hellhole. My brother is very cooperative and all for us since he saw how sick she was at her former facility and how expensive it is to have round the clock Nurses Aids. We don't see or hear from my cousin anymore. He was a pediatrician, now in mid 80's and was playing my Mother off for bookings at the rougue facility for his jazz band. He was taken by the female administrator and other females at the facility.
If your brother had your Mother with him until she had a fall, how long was she there? Did she like staying with your brother. Is your brother going to watch her 16 hours a day that your sister-in-law is not going to be watching her. Will they get a companion or nurses aid when they go out? Mother had no problem with the change to a new facility. Much was made about that. She will be 100 years old this year. There can be nothing so good as a parent staying at home in the love of a family. By staying with Mother it has shown her how much God loves her.
I hope you will have a meeting with your brother with an open mind. Even the best facilities do not give 24 x 7 care to your L.O. There are falls, Residents don't have their alarm around their necks or don't always know to push the alarm button after they fall on their head. The Nurses who administer medications are on rotating shift and there are new nurses starting and the regular nurses can move on. If or when a L.O. runs out of money they are not always kept in a private pay facility. There is no place like home.

Bro may be saying eight hour day and planning on paying overtime for the other 16 hours? Just a thought.

run to a lawyer - get an adjunct - whatever to keep her where she is, this situation is way past the stage of trying to "work it out w him". This is a clear case of imminent abuse. I said a prayer for yall that mom will be protected, keep doll and be able to see her relatives and keep this brother and wife away from her period.

I can't tell if your brother is being selfish or evil or just has a problem with the ALC, but it might be worthwhile to try to work with him before you try going around or against him. Since you haven't said why your brother says mom needs to live with him, I wonder if it's possible to ask him -- calmly, showing concern and no hint of accusation -- what he feels is not working for mom in the facility. (Or maybe it's a financial issue?) Maybe there's a way for you to work with the facility and/or other resources to get his issues addressed. Same thing with the doll: you could say that you've noticed how much help and comfort this has been to mom, and you're wondering what harm there would be if she kept it. Please exhaust all opportunities to have calm, conversations with your brother in a helpful tone; once you get into a confrontational posture, I'm afraid it will be very hard to gain any concession. You may find yourself alienated for life. Then you and mom both lose.
If you've already had cross words, you might try starting the conversation with some conciliatory words, like "I've been thinking about the huge decisions you have to make for mom, and I'm sure it's a lot of work and worry for you. Lots of people get burned out with this stuff, so if you need any help, please let me know, okay? [Pause for possible response.] I worry about her, too, so I was hoping you could help me understand what brought you to the feeling that she shouldn't stay where she is." It may be hard to stay calm, given your concerns, but if he's got all the power, I think trying to work with him might be your best means of getting the results you want... or at least understanding what's going on now and in the future. If it goes well, you can try addressing his objections to the ALC, one at a time. If that doesn't change his mind, you might work on the doll issue as I said earlier, and/or ask how his wife feels about all the things she'll have to do for mom as she ages. Maybe they don't really understand the amount of work and time this is going to take. Good luck!

Your brother sounds like a master manipulator. I wouldn't be surprised if his wife is not thrilled with the idea, but is afraid to speak up. We had a similar situation with my brother. I got emergency guardianship and the we had to hire a litigator to get brother removed as trustee to our deceased fathers trust so we could sell properties to pay for moms care at memory assisted care. A terrible nightmare and the stress continues with him. I think the guardian overrides the POA. They may find they cannot care for her in which case he will probably leave it on you to find a new place and start all over. Prayers are with you.

An eight-hour shift is never going to work. In addition, does this caregiver know what is going to be involved such as diapering? Funds are going to be eaten up rapidly for the coverage of the balance of a 24-hour day.

My wife has dementia , she was talked into giving her/our debit card and pin by her youngest son 40. He robbed all the money out to the point of our lights being turned
off. She demanded it back three times and did no good. When my checks came in I got in the black with the bank and got off the account with her. I have a good retirement and it took about six months to catch up on things and to find out she has dementia
she was taken to the hospital to be checked out fro ant physical problems that might cause her actions. The Doctors all knew. She had even given him a 10,000 credit card
and he maxed out in a month. I have talked to Judges about and they all agree the step son belongs in jail. He did go to jail for other actions and will be on probation for 3 years. I have POA, he can visit but if he steals one thing which he has before I will have his behind put back in jail. He will beg and cry when he wants from his mother and she will try to give it to him. Right now she gets $900.00 a month and can but what she wants. He will beg and beg to get her money he is a meth head. So how many feel like I should give him free run of our home not his he has been married twice and does not support his own son. I don't feel like I owe him any consideration and only got the POA to keep him from trying to. So children do not always have a right to abuse their parent.

I do agree with CM that there is probably more to this story than we are hearing about.

Please do make steps to have mother kept safely where she is. Just b/c brother is a bully, doesn't give him special rights to make decisions.

Let us know how this fans out. This is not the first time we've heard of this scenario. It pretty much never ends well.

There is a major piece of jigsaw puzzle missing here.

POA and guardianship? How did that happen?
Who moved mother in to this marvellous ALF, and why has brother taken against it?
APS is described as saying that an emergency application would have small chance of success - really? In spite of brother's threat in front of witnesses to isolate this woman from her family, and the refusal to accept professional and medical advice?

So what's going on that you haven't mentioned?

Just a thought here. Is there an expiration date on the POA? If there is, your brother cannot renew it. Then you have legal rights too. Some POAs are set up with no expiration date, but most have one.

Run - don't walk - to a family law or elder law attorney and, as Garden Artist wrote "seek injunctive relief blocking the removal of your mother from the facility." Lawsuits have been filed for far more trivial reasons than a bad son wanting to remove his mother from proper care, take away her therapy doll, and prevent family from visiting her.

I suspect that he will not allow visitors in his home because he knows that he will be criticized for the condition in which she will inevitably be found i.e. filth, etc.

You must protect your mother from him. Once you get an attorney, inform the facility where your mother resides of what you are doing because you will need their help. This is a terrible situation.

I hope that you will find the legal help you need to protect your mother from your cruel brother. His motive is clear: money. Once you hire an attorney you only communicate with your brother, his wife, and anyone else involved through the attorney so that you make no missteps along the way. You can do this!

I'd be concerned about the 16 hours of no care. Will they leave her alone? You should be able to visit her at his home as a person with any kind of dementia can traumatized if moved to an unfamiliar setting. Does she still like going places restaurants, movies etc.? Maybe you can stay at a hotel and take her out for a day trip. I was sole care giver for my mom, my siblings lived out of town. They had keys to my home. I was glad they came to visit mom and spent time with her before she journeyed to Heaven. I wished they came more often to visit it always made mom happy.

This is the worst thing that could happen to your Mom. Your brother is trying to get the income from the trust, and with the physical and mental disabilities your Mom has, a facility will be the best place for her. NO ONE can keep up the level of caregiving your mom will need when she's not in the facility - the 24/7 NEVER EVER ENDS, regardless. It is more expensive to pay for 24/7 in home care than a facility (aide care and nursing care are two different things and costs are different too). I would ask the court to appoint a guardian (different than a POA) due to endangerment from your brother.

Listen to Garden Artist!! Lots of great down to earth advice there!!

There are a lot of huge red flags waving at you--which you're seeing.

Brother may have a 'Plan' sadly, it is probably based in thinking of finances and not love and care. I agree with the post that said to let SIL take care of mom and see how long that lasts. 8 hours is a small portion of the day, truly, caregiving for someone as bad as your mom is much more likely 24/7 "awareness" of her. Are they planning to just let her sit for 16 hours? I can imagine her sleeping for 12, that is not unusual, but what about needs at night time? Outside help is very expensive and overnight help is more so.

Why is brother refusing the doll therapy? Is he embarrassed (poor guy)? If he isn't on board with providing the same level of care mom has been receiving, he and wifey are in for a huge shock.

Really--sounds like you have a lot of non-communication and drama going on. Has this always been the case?

I'd follow GA's advice and hunker down and prepare for the worst. This situation has epic fail written all over it.

Here's a different thought, just a suggestion, and that's to hire an elder attorney with litigation experience, or one who's in a law firm with litigators. Ask the attorney about filing for injunctive relief blocking the removal of your mother from the facility.

A TRO, or Temporary Restraining Order, could prevent your brother from removing her until a court, and probably outside medical personnel, can review the situation.

It's possible also that jurisdiction might be transferred to a different level of court which handles guardianships, and his guardianship behavior can be reviewed.



Back in the mid 1960s, I was a court reporter in Juvenile Court, within the Probate Court. In addition to delinquency and neglect petitions, we covered Probate hearings on mental incompetency, care of persons in need, and similar situations. Sometimes the judge would order mental exams to determine what an individual could or couldn't do in terms in self care.

A court does have the authority to override your brother's plans and create ones (or maintain an existing one) that benefits rather than interferes with your mother's health.

Administrative and high level staff at the facility she's in could verify this. If you take this route, ask them as well as the treating doctor if they'll consent to be witnesses and testify on your mother's behalf. Alternately, the Court could subpoena them.

E.g., an independent exam(s) might determine that your mother needed the doll therapy, and that it should be continued. It might determine that she should not be isolated from interaction with others and that isolation in the home would be detrimental, if not hazardous, to her mental health.

An independent exam might also (and probably would) determine that 8 hours of care is inadequate and that 24 hours of care is mandatory.

The court can step in and take jurisdiction and brother will have no choice but to obey. Document his abuses as guardian and be prepared to provide them to an attorney; they can be included in pleadings seeking injunctive relief to prevent him from carrying out his plans.



I don't necessarily agree with APS that b/c brother is proxy under a POA as well as guardian that there are no options. From what you write, he's not only not qualified to make a judgment on removal, but he's also not qualified to provide home care, or even make good decisions.

In addition, I think there might be issue of proxy abuse if he's going to dip into her trust to pay his wife. I think "self dealing" is likely to become an issue very quickly.

You might also calculate the cost of additional care for the 16 hours your SIL will not be providing care. That may total more than the monthly cost at the facility. In addition, at the facility she can be seen by doctors and qualified nurses. The home care plan apparently doesn't include these necessities.

And as has been pointed out by others, there's the issue of how the wife is going to step into a role (for which she presumably isn't experienced) and what will happen to your mother when the wife finds she's overwhelmed.



There ARE options, and they're through court intervention and taking jurisdiction over your mother's life as well as addressing, monitoring and perhaps removing your brother's control.

I'd start working on this immediately.

I would find an attorney that deals with estates and trusts. It's obvious his drive is strictly financial. How dare he put his mother's burden on his wife. POA can be revoked by a judge when he sees with your evidence, less talk, more paperwork, that she needs to stay. The doctor's written opinion, written proof his wife is in a wheelchair, written proof he works out of town, etc.

There are laws specifically designed to protect family members from other family members blocking their visitation and access to their own parent. If you are blocked, as I was, an attorney will help with the courts. However, that attorney will want the extra work of removing your brother as guardian and POA. You will have to assume that responsibility along with the financial cost of going to court. Otherwise you will have to live with them blocking your access to your mom. Same thing happened to me, only I could not assume POA or guardianship because my mom lived in Florida and I live in CT. The law strictly forbids this type of behavior and your brother would be immediately stripped of his powers. Be prepared to show evidence in court of the blocking. I called the police a number of times and got everthing on record. This is a form of manipulation called pathological evil behavior, usually played out by one sibling against another. Do something about it.

Why won't he let you visit at home? He should be trying to make her living environment as much like what she is use to as possible. I have the same question of who will be caring for her when the wife is "off duty" ? Is brother planning to cut back on his travel to be home more?

Talk to an Elder Care lawyer.

I would not alienate your sibling and be extra loving to your SIL so you are welcome to visit. The suggestion of bringing food in, would likely make your visit more welcoming and allow you to be seen as an advocate for the family as a whole. These efforts might allow you to see more vividly the situation. From that point, you will have first hand info.. Keep your phone handi - so you can document areas of concern!

At least $15/hour for the other caregivers. In my neck of the woods, more like $25-$40/hour for qualified help. (Key word: qualified.)

It's very expensive to caregive at home. If she works the 8 hours, someone else will have to work other 16 hours at $15.00 an hour and all the supplies? It really adds up, but it is true ... I do not believe an elder care facility can give the kind of care she would be able to get at home. Why don't you find out where the facility purchases those dolls and just buy her one.

Wife will find out it's not an eight he a day job. They can't leave her soiled and dirty. Whose going to get her ready for bed. Hang in there. They will either find their error or if not carrying for her needs you can call Senior services to check on Mom. I have a feeling he is trying to save money so he can inherit.

Nancy, sounds like your brother wants his wife to have an income, so what better than taking care of your Mother and being paid from her savings. What was being paid for the assisted living will now be income for his wife.

I have a feeling that your sister-in-law has no idea what ALL is involved. I bet when they visit with Mom at the facility everything looks like a walk in the park. Sister-in-law needs to stay with Mom-in-law for at least 72 hours to get the full impact of what she is getting herself into.

Why on earth won't your Brother allow Mom to bring home the doll with her? My gosh, it's like taking away a teddy bear from a child. And only 8 hours a day caregiving? Ask him who is doing the other 16 hours? Will he be hiring someone? There is a very good reason why the doctor is against this plan.

I'm sorry, but this sounds like a very disturbing situation - any idea what your brother's real motivation is? Financial or does he feel her current situation isn't working any longer ?

Only the rare person can handle a demented wheelchair bound person alone so if nothing else maybe you can offer SIL a little respite for an afternoon when bro is out of town - drop off a casserole for dinner or stop by with scones and a latte for her - if she refuses or won't let you in then so be it but at least you tried -

others may have some helpful tips