cherylh310 Asked April 2014
How to you break the news to your Mom she's going into a nursing home?
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After another stay in the hospital from multiple seizures, I have decided it might be best for her and myself to put her in the nursing home. After speaking to a Palliative/Geriatric doctor she too thinks it's the right decision. I know I wouldn't be able to deal with mom home again, but I am having a hard time about this deiciosn also.
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Do you have siblings who can be there for support (yours and your mom's) when you talk to your mom about this? If so, get them in on talking to your mom about having to stay in the NH. It should be a family discussion.
Try to get the social worker from the NH to join your conversation. She can take some of the heat and it will help having a professional weigh in with her two cents. Our elderly parents tend to pay more attention to medical professionals than they do to us.
I'm sorry that you've had to make this decision. I know exactly how you feel. But be kind to yourself, you're doing what is best for your mom. There's no room for guilt. Once your mom is in a NH you will continue to be her advocate and be actively involved in her care. When our elderly parents go into a NH the caregiving doesn't end, it just gets different.
I'm sorry you're faced with this decision. Many people here have had to deal with this as well. I hope you continue to let us know how you're doing.
It's a hard decision for you and I expect you feel guilty but please don't. In a nursing home your mother will be well cred for, cleaned, fed and have supervision 24/7/365. Once she's settled in you can visit and enjoy each other's company s you once used to.
As far as telling your mom, I have a feeling that even if she objects, she knows that her health is very bad and that she needs nursing care. I'd stress her health and safety and the need for professional care, telling her that you will still be there to visit, support her and be her advocate. Expect some grief when it happens, but I think that you can expect that her caregivers will learn to care about her and she them. After a couple of weeks it should get better. Tell her ahead of time about her possessions she can bring with which is so much better than a hospital.
Please keep us posted on how this goes for you.
Carol
I'm sorry Cherylh, about your mom's second broken hip. N homes can't restrain residents and as careful as they can be sometimes someone gets up when they shouldn't. My dad broke a hip and a wrist in an excellent NH (over the period of several years). He would just simply get up and not grab his walker. Even alarms attached to his clothing didn't always work.
Please don't feel that you could have done more for your mom. I agree - how much more can this poor lady take? This part of aging is so hard - for her and for you. Our hearts are with you. Please keep us updated.
Carol
the time a bed becomes available? It's only my mom and I. I really cannot handle any more emotional upheavals. It's very emotional and upsetting.
It was the result of some medical incidents and cognitive decline that meant she required 24/7 supervision. I think it can come across better from a doctor than one of us "kids".
Nobody *wants* to live in a NH. But when your needs get to this point, it's no longer about what you want, but what will keep you safe, clean, fed, and medicated correctly. These kinds of crises can really hit a caregiver hard because it exposes topics we really aren't ready to handle. It exposes parent/child dynamics that were easily ignored before. It exposes a lot of things that are very difficult to handle without a lot of advance work and thinking.
With my mom, I didn't saddle her with "This is FOREVER!!!". When she wants to know when she can go home, I just say that when the doctor says she's well enough she can go. It's not a lie. She will actually never be that well again, but there's no reason to tell her that.
If you are afraid of your loved one's reaction, you can't hold yourself responsible or hostage to that. They may be mad, angry, violent, depressed, mean, moody, silent, hostile, and so on. You have to allow them to feel their feelings and not take it personally. Just expect it. If it doesn't end up like that, good for you! If it does, then join the rest of us. Change is hard. The only people who like change are banks and wet babies.
Change in inevitable. You have to be strong for your loved one who can't anymore. You have to buck up in front of them, and reassure them you are not abandoning them to the wolves. Don't make promises you don't know if you can keep. But, reassure them it's going to be OK. Commiserate that you don't like this choice either, that you'd rather things go back to when they were good. It's OK to say that kind of thing so they don't feel alone ih their feelings.
My mom would get all wrapped around the axle of what will happen to her things. Her things were more important than anything else! She was so worried about her winter coat and all her shoes. Where will her fake poinsettias go?
She focused her stress on that kind of detail. Others may focus on different details. Just be prepared with calm, reassuring statements.
But, mom/dad, to keep you safe, you're going to stay here in this place for a while. Everything is taken care of. You won't have to do anything yourself. We will move your things. You will have your clothes. I have taken care of all that. All you have to do is sit in the chair and go along for the ride.