SylviaT Asked March 2021
Be honest, how many hate being a caregiver?
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I will be honest. I hate being a caregiver. I don't take care of my husband. I take care of someone that looks like my husband. Lately, I stay so frustrated and ill with him. He told me to quit being ill with him and mind you there is nothing wrong with his mind. I love him, but lately I just don't know what to do about my attitude. I pray to God everyday to help me. Everyday I mess up with my mouth in gear. I need prayers for me and my husband.
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I know how you feel. I too pray everyday for God to help me in every way. To give me strength, understanding, wisdom, to tame my tongue, and much much more! I am always frustrated, angry, resentful, exhausted and burned out!
I'll pray for you and you can pray for me and maybe together will get through this!
Hugs!!!
This is truly a challenging and exhausting career. I am constantly working on my attitude. I breathe a bunch! I truly work hard on not saying what I'm thinking. I call a friend. Heck, I have called customer service to just talk to somebody different! I drink a glass of wine occasionally.
I do not work for a company. I consider this caregiving my job, so I treat it as such.
I pray extra prayers for those who work for companies and also care for love ones too.
I incorporate creativity in my day as much as possible in caregiving. I play music, dance in the living room, watch movies or have tea time and talk. We color children's books, word search books or just take a walk to the mailbox. Sometimes we just walk from the front door to the back door inside the house. We write letters. I have learned to not push them.
I do seek help. No help is turned away. I've learned to relax. When they sleep, I sleep. When help is here I often go for a drive.
I BELIEVE, God WILL send what I need. If I ask. Not what I want but what I NEED.
Whatever I do for me. I do for my love ones. I do it today, I don't do it tomorrow. It is exhausting and there are often no rewards. Breathe.
You cannot help them if they don't want it. It's hard to watch them crash and burn, but sometimes that's what we need to do. When they get themselves into enough trouble, you stand beside them and help them through it.
If they end up in hospital or nursing home because of poor choices they made, take the opportunity to go through their place and clean out all meds, foods, etc that have expired. Put up a few "safety nets" in anticipation of them coming back home.
Also, get them to give you POA healthcare, or sign the proper papers at their M.D. to give you access to speak with their doctors.
Be prepared for them to reject your offers, but persistence will pay off eventually.
You’ve come to the right place. Everyone here is a caregiver or has been a caregiver and in the past.
So we understand completely. Caregiving is exhausting! It’s extremely difficult to see a person decline.
I read your profile. You have a lot on your plate.
How long have you been caring for your husband? How much longer do you feel that you can continue doing full time caregiving on your own?
I feel for you. My mom has Parkinson’s disease so I know first hand what a challenge it is.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
You must remember that the people we are caring for tend to mimic or mirror our moods and attitudes, so if your attitude is bad all the time, then his will be as well. I had to learn that the hard way while caring for my husband, but thankfully I learned it fairly quickly, and it made a huge difference. There is nothing easy about being a 24/7 caregiver, this I know first hand, but I never, in all the years I was caring for my husband said or felt that I hated it. Was it hard and exhausting? Ah...yeah, but I also knew that if the tables were turned that he would do his best to care for me too. Sometimes it's just a change in perspective that will help us see things in a different light.
You need to now decide to do what is not only best for your husband, but also what is best for you. Praying that God will give you wisdom and discernment in going forward.
I am a good caregiver. Just because recently my attitude have changed doesn't make me a bad caregiver. To be honest with you, I know that a nursing home would never give him the care I've been giving him. Not even the hospital treated him right last year. The hospital abused him. So, yes I believe a person can be a good caregiver and still hate it. Do I think my husband would take care of me the way I've taken care of him if it was the other way around? No, I don't. That doesn't mean he doesn't love me and I don't love him. We've been married 39 years. I think that says something and this is not my first time taking care of him. So, I appreciate your advice, but no my husband will not be going to a nursing home if I can help it.
You have to acknowledge your anger. Stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eye and say "I am so angry this happened to my husband, and it's OKAY to be angry. I hate this disease and what it is doing to him. I know it's not his fault". Then ask for grace and patience to deal with the issues that arise. Do it as often as you need to. It does help. I used to yell at my husband when he would do something bizarre. By acknowledging that I was angry at the disease, I found acceptance that allows me to be kind and compassionate. Sending you a giant hug, because we all know what you are going thru.
I thank you so much for your advice. I am not a bad person and I believe in God and am a Christian. I will try what you're saying and thank you for not being judgmental. Hugs back!🤗
If at all possible, I recommend involving others to help out with care. I have a caregiver that helps me with care; he also gives us both companionship and joy!
*To add: it is important to separate the disease from the person... someone mentioned this in a post; it is helpful for sure...thank you.
If caregiving continues for an extensive period of time, they will most likely grow to absolutely hate it.
Plus, how many people secretly hate it but for whatever reason they won’t openly admit that they hate it?
Don’t ever doubt that burn out is real.
People who don’t think that caregiving is hard, have probably never done any caregiving in their lives.
I got on to a thread where this woman was literally suicidal, she was so depressed from caregiving and having no life. I realized there were others like me and that I was not a terrible daughter and wife. I wasn't suicidal but did realize I was experiencing compassion fatigue as well as physical fatigue and depression. I set the bar high for myself and kicked myself when I too, got snippy, snappy, crabby and shrill with them.
I had it in my head , well, it was put there with the assistance of many family members that I should be enjoying this. That I should be grateful. Happy even.
Did not know why my life did not look like all the glossy caregiving pamplets and commericials. I recall one commerical of a lovely elderly woman standing on the steps of her beautiful home with two beaming attractive adult children. The guilt line was something like "dad made us promise not to ever put mom in a home".
Yeesh.
So much is thrown at us, telling us how we SHOULD feel, and if you don't the guilt and self criticism sets in, which leads to depression...and so on.
I found so much help, hope and acceptance here. It's my sane place when my life gets too intense. Welcome and I hope you find support here as well.
I tell men and women that make stupid comments like she is your mother so you have to take care of her or she is a good ol girl that I am more than willing to have them come in and take care of her for a month so I can have some time off for the first time in four years. It shuts them up fast.
Thanks for sharing 😍
I am a man whose mother has and is putting him through hell. I gave up a good career only to be abused for my reward of being a good son.
I do all the work for no pay and get crapped on for a thank you.
The other sibling and his daughter and her family do nothing but empty mommies bank every month.
There comes a time when you say enough. From now on if she wants anything done she can either get them to do it or pay me.
If you want to make comparisons, from my observation both with other care givers I know and from volunteering in seniors homes before becoming mommies slave the majority of the abusers are narcissistic mothers from hell.
As for you sister, perhaps you need a rest from your duties. Besides, we all get tired once and a while.
You are in my morning prayers.
Don’t assume, as I once did, that because you’re a loving relative you can provide the best care possible.
In my case, and my mother’s, that was NOT true.
You need to put yourself in their shoes.
Sounds like you are burnt out and you need a break.
It would be good for both of you.
A caregiver should be loving and kind.
First, sounds like you need some help.
What ever amount of time you are working cut it down.
If you're working a 6 days cut it to 5.
If you're working a 12 hr shift work 8 hrs.
If the above options don't work then you should take some time off like a week vacation and see if things aren't better once you return.
In the meantime, make sure you yourself are getting enough sleep.
Tare 10 minute brakes during your shift and go outside and get some fresh air and sunshine.
Play soft nature music as a calming effect
You should also do something for yourself once a week minimum like go get a Massage, a Manicure or Pedicure.
Prayers
Is there a friend or family member that can give you a vacation? Is there a Social Worker in your town you can call that can set you up with options in care? Perhaps there is a facility you can use.
Look for a local support group. Call your local Senior center.
Call a local church. You need help now.
I do not hate my husband but I intensely dislike being a caregiver at this late stage.
Earlier I was filled with sense of mission to make him better. That was ten or eleven years ago. Today we are well into several health issues, one of which is Parkinson's. My mission only succeeded in adding more and more medications and appointments to our routine. He never, ever has felt better.
This morning he got up at 5:30, went to the stove, put a pan on high heat, and burnt eggs. I woke up smelling burnt and nearly had a heart attack. Now we seem to be in a new chapter, the chapter of "I can't leave him alone at all."
Just recently I hired help for three hours a day. That has made a huge difference in my attitude. It is why I can be typing this note.
Get help, get sleep, get going! I wish I had not waited so long!
I now take care of my husband. A wonderful man . We've been together for 43 years. The pain in my heart to watch he regress in health and mind is devistating to watch. He has Parkinson disease, prostrate cancer remission for three years now. Also lung damage due to blood clots.
I also at the same time cared for both my parents. Both whom have passed on three weeks apart. I did the three of them together for quite a few years. I
too, was overwhelmed at it all. No sleep, constant doctor visits, medicines , hardly any sleep since they all had different sleep schedules. Diaper changes, feedings etc.
I decided that for me a nursing home was not a place I wanted them to go. So when I made that decision I also decided that I would not allow myself to become angry and I let everything roll off my back. I didn't have enough time in a day to argue, fight, try to reason with them. When I was able to sleep I would push out the bad and only think of the good that happened that day.
For me it was the best decision in my life . I was able to care for each one of them.
To have that end of life experience with my parents brought us so much closer than we were ever. Taught me the true meaning of family. And most of all for me I got to show my parents the love that they showed Me when they brought me into
this world..priceless time memories I will never forget.
We love, laughed, cried and talked until the very end.
Im thankful I still have my husband. He's declining but I wI'll be there until god says
Its his time.
I have no regrets regrets. I would do it all again without thinking twice.
I just know who I can and can't depend on.
“You turn mourning to dancing
You give beauty for ashes
You turn shame into glory
You're the only one who can!
You turn graves into garden
You turn bones into armies
You turn seas into highways
You're the ONLY one who can!”
Please know that you are not alone in your struggle - thousands of us understand and are rooting for you and each other!