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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Not recommending. But yesterday was savaged by my moms nutso ness (a term our English Friend Countrymouse liked) I stopped for a six back of beer at Trader Joes and downed it in short order
Crying at night helped. It’s God‘s way to cure your blues. Think of it that you are preparing the ease of your grief after the death of your loved ones. Hugs.
I utilize a lot of positive self care strategies: gardening, bubble baths, a good movie or book, snuggling with my dogs but sometimes throwing myself a pity party is all that works - alcohol and lots of it maybe a benzodiazepine, too.
HeideWho, you may have been just kidding, but drinking and self medicating for a caregiver is not good advice. My sister in law became a habitual drinker while caring for her difficult mom, and it caused her to become neglectful.
Doing something I enjoyed before the care began, is what worked for me. Being a full time caregiver made me feel like I was losing my self identity, so taking up an old hobby got me back to feeling like my self, and was relaxing.
I love reading all the responses here! I tend to unravel at the end of a bad day and want to cry over a lot of calories. But I really worry about my own health. Bad food on top of stress is a recipe for disaster and after the loved one is gone...I will suffer the results of my choices. Talking to someone who will listen to me and laugh with me is the best! When I'm feeling really low the last thing i want to be around is a lot of really peppy girls in spandex BUT...going to the gym for a spin or yoga class is really good. If you have access to that and can manage to make yourself get inside i highly recommend giving it a try. You can cry at the same time and it will just blend right in with the sweat. As far as books go...I love Angela's Ashes. It is my favorite.
Imnotcrazy, have you listened to Angela's Ashes read by the author, Frank McCourt? If not, you must! I'm a huge audiobook fan and it is absolutely one of the best things I've ever heard.
Go to Google Images and type in "very funny memes." If that doesn't work, "very funny animal memes." Laughter is the best medicine. Then take a nap.
I read a lot, too, for escapism. A local used bookstore has tons of selections for $1 each. Thrift stores can be good sources, too. Just look for interesting titles and covers. If one doesn't strike your fancy, you haven't lost much. Then pass them along to someone else.
Please recognize that this "job" cannot be accomplished by everyone. You are doing what most can't! I appreciate all the responses and I might add: 1) calling another who has similar or other challenges going on in their life and supporting them. 2) I found a caregiver's support group and I started another to help others...but also to help me. I learned that my challenges weren't as bad as I thought. Like this forum, I learn so much from my peers, my fellow travelers on this caregiving journey. 3) I try to remember that I am not alone. God is working through others, but I have to open the door to my heart to connect....and get out there physically, or through email, telephone or snail mail. 4) Oh yes, journaling is also helping. Writing down my thoughts and feelings gets them out of my head, so then my mind is not sabotaging my intentions. 5) When I'm in the middle of it, I sometimes forget that I do have a life apart from my husband, and he likely will leave the earth plane before me so I am planning and "working on" my next chapter. Sometimes it's just in my mind and sometimes it's actually getting out there and doing when I can. 6) Noticing other men and women are doing this "job" with grace and courage, encourages me. Others who aren't, respectfully look upon our actions in awe and wonder, offering help, wishing us the best and praying for us. We are not alone. You are not alone. This service is the highest form of love.
it is not their fault; it is not your fault. Bad days will continue to the end. I am also 52/365 mostly alone for the past six years. I just accept that tomorrow will be a worst day than today. Soooooo, today is the good day. Is it mind over matter or a fantasy world or a sleep stage and I may soon wake up. It is what it is and he/she is the one you love.
One of my mantras - without my faith and sense of humor, I'd be nowhere! I watch comedies, read humor, and share humor with others. It also helps with my mother, which brightens her mood. Reading is a great escape! My support system of family and friends is also very helpful. I don't have to tell them my problems, although sometimes I do. Spending time with them helps me realize that I have a life separate from care giving. Focusing on the positives in my life and making sure I see the beauty around me can lift me out of the bad days. Chocolate, retail therapy (don't have to buy to enjoy), and acceptance help, too. Delegating and getting help when needed is also a must. Taking care of oneself, in whatever ways mean the most (exercise, beauty, quiet time, etc.) are also important. Be kind to yourself in your internal dialogue, too. My go-to is "I'm doing my best." Try not to agree to things you know aren't good for yourself despite how important your loved one believes it to be. You can't be all things to all people or you have nothing left for yourself. Set boundaries that are realistic and give you peace. I wish all of us the best in the highs and lows of care giving!
A shower with lavender soap, a coloring book with florals, a good book, or retro channel TV comedy. Telling myself to take things one day at a time and tomorrow is a new day....and always chocolate.
I live in Hawaii. I go to the beach. Get in the water and chill out. I take mom with me. Good for her to get out in the fresh air. Chill out with an old movie, popcorn and a glass of wine or whatever. Listen to relaxing music. Take a walk, exercise, meditate. Call a friend. Hope something works for you. Hugs. I've had a lot of bad caregiving days with mom.
Vodka + Xanax = ahhh (in moderation and only if legally prescribed and then only after you've tried meditation and breathing techniques, and after not during a course of the current antidepressant of the week.) Well it made me smile lol.
I get away and go to daily mass or the library. I love makeup and shopping for make up or fixing myself up can make my day. A brouse at Ross, brousing not buying, is lots is fun. Then there's the hot bath.
Love your answer! I am Catholic as well and we are blessed to have daily mass. We also have a wonderful adoration chapel. You don’t necessarily even have to be Catholic to enjoy a quiet chapel to meditate or read.
I read on my Kindle. I've read 104 books so far this year because sometimes I'm up and down all night with my mother. Once I'm awake I have a difficult time falling back to sleep.
My sister and I play cutthroat Yahtzee.
I also do "projects" like knit in straight rows and paint with watercolors and tear paper out of catalogs and glue it on boxes and lampshades. I even made my own urn out of ripped paper and an oatmeal carton. :0)
Wow! Great reading. Please share some of your favorite books. We have a public radio station for the blind here. They read fiction and nonfiction, newspapers, magazines, etc. It’s wonderful!
They have just as many sighted listeners. They read a lot of local authors too. It’s great.
Every single one of us who cares for someone gets frustrated, depressed and just plain mad. These feelings are always lurking in the corner of our minds. Whether or not we let them take over our lives is up to us. If we search out negativity, we will find it, especially in today’s world.
We are partly responsible for what happens to us during our days. However, we are not 100% “at fault”. I care for my husband and he has some days that he is whiny and demanding, or just dealing with negative feelings of his own which can get passed on to me. Those are the days that even the birds singing outside can p**s me off. If I let those days define me, those kinds of days come more and more often.
On my own, I have taught myself to not sweat the small stuff. No one comes over, so if there are dishes in the sink, I don’t worry. They’ll get done...eventually. House is messy? Oh, well. Who will see? Three words I tell myself on those days, “I don’t care.” I do what I can. I care for my husband 24/7/365. Because he is immobile, we go nowhere and do nothing. I handle absolutely everything. I make 99.9% of decisions and handle whatever comes up. I also work 25 hours a week in the baby room of a daycare. If there’s dust on the tables at home or piles of dog/cat fur in the corners, you got it—“I don’t care.” There are no roaches in my house.
If you've spent the day doing the best you can, go to bed with a good book and congratulate yourself for a job well done. It’s all you can do.
"If you've spent the day doing the best you can, go to bed with a good book and congratulate yourself for a job well done. It’s all you can do." I LOVE THIS! And, thank you for reminding me not to sweat the small stuff. : )
A dish of ice cream sometimes helped. ..sometimes it was a whole pint! Did you do the best you could on those "bad days"? In reality could your bad day get worse? .. Read some of the posts here and realize that you don't have the worst day..I read some of these and thank God that I had it pretty easy all things considered. I think about some of the problems that members of my support group have and again I am thankful for what I had.
Whenever you do cope with a bad day and figure out how to make things right or easier pass that info on let others learn from you.
Another great way is to Journal about each day and make sure you include good things, funny things and not just the frustrations. But use the Journal to vent as well. As you Journal do look back and remind yourself what you THOUGHT was a bad day 3 months ago really was nothing compared to today. And in another 5 or 6 months you will look back on today and realize it really wasn't as bad as it seemed at the time. We all need time to shape or reshape our perspective.
Thank you for your response : ) I used to journal all the time, but got away from it. Something to start again though as it always helped me before. P.S. An ice cream sounds perfect right now.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Doing something I enjoyed before the care began, is what worked for me. Being a full time caregiver made me feel like I was losing my self identity, so taking up an old hobby got me back to feeling like my self, and was relaxing.
I tend to unravel at the end of a bad day and want to cry over a lot of calories. But I really worry about my own health. Bad food on top of stress is a recipe for disaster and after the loved one is gone...I will suffer the results of my choices. Talking to someone who will listen to me and laugh with me is the best!
When I'm feeling really low the last thing i want to be around is a lot of really peppy girls in spandex BUT...going to the gym for a spin or yoga class is really good. If you have access to that and can manage to make yourself get inside i highly recommend giving it a try. You can cry at the same time and it will just blend right in with the sweat.
As far as books go...I love Angela's Ashes. It is my favorite.
I read a lot, too, for escapism. A local used bookstore has tons of selections for $1 each. Thrift stores can be good sources, too. Just look for interesting titles and covers. If one doesn't strike your fancy, you haven't lost much. Then pass them along to someone else.
Good luck. And yes, you're doing your best.
I appreciate all the responses and I might add: 1) calling another who has similar or other challenges going on in their life and supporting them. 2) I found a caregiver's support group and I started another to help others...but also to help me. I learned that my challenges weren't as bad as I thought. Like this forum, I learn so much from my peers, my fellow travelers on this caregiving journey. 3) I try to remember that I am not alone. God is working through others, but I have to open the door to my heart to connect....and get out there physically, or through email, telephone or snail mail. 4) Oh yes, journaling is also helping. Writing down my thoughts and feelings gets them out of my head, so then my mind is not sabotaging my intentions. 5) When I'm in the middle of it, I sometimes forget that I do have a life apart from my husband, and he likely will leave the earth plane before me so I am planning and "working on" my next chapter. Sometimes it's just in my mind and sometimes it's actually getting out there and doing when I can. 6) Noticing other men and women are doing this "job" with grace and courage, encourages me. Others who aren't, respectfully look upon our actions in awe and wonder, offering help, wishing us the best and praying for us. We are not alone. You are not alone. This service is the highest form of love.
My support system of family and friends is also very helpful. I don't have to tell them my problems, although sometimes I do. Spending time with them helps me realize that I have a life separate from care giving.
Focusing on the positives in my life and making sure I see the beauty around me can lift me out of the bad days.
Chocolate, retail therapy (don't have to buy to enjoy), and acceptance help, too.
Delegating and getting help when needed is also a must. Taking care of oneself, in whatever ways mean the most (exercise, beauty, quiet time, etc.) are also important. Be kind to yourself in your internal dialogue, too. My go-to is "I'm doing my best." Try not to agree to things you know aren't good for yourself despite how important your loved one believes it to be. You can't be all things to all people or you have nothing left for yourself. Set boundaries that are realistic and give you peace.
I wish all of us the best in the highs and lows of care giving!
Chill out with an old movie, popcorn and a glass of wine or whatever.
Listen to relaxing music. Take a walk, exercise, meditate. Call a friend. Hope something works for you. Hugs. I've had a lot of bad caregiving days with mom.
I just love naps.
My kids did a poster for mother's day one year and they listed all of 'mom's favorite things' and right after TAB, came "a long nap".
Yep, these kids know their mama.
And everything seems better after a nap.
My absolute favorite answer!!!
Nothing I could add to that one! Thanks so much for this genuine reply!
Love the hot bath! One of my favorites.
My sister and I play cutthroat Yahtzee.
I also do "projects" like knit in straight rows and paint with watercolors and tear paper out of catalogs and glue it on boxes and lampshades. I even made my own urn out of ripped paper and an oatmeal carton. :0)
And I eat gummy bears.
They have just as many sighted listeners. They read a lot of local authors too. It’s great.
Laughter..........another VERY powerful coping technique.
We are partly responsible for what happens to us during our days. However, we are not 100% “at fault”. I care for my husband and he has some days that he is whiny and demanding, or just dealing with negative feelings of his own which can get passed on to me. Those are the days that even the birds singing outside can p**s me off. If I let those days define me, those kinds of days come more and more often.
On my own, I have taught myself to not sweat the small stuff. No one comes over, so if there are dishes in the sink, I don’t worry. They’ll get done...eventually. House is messy? Oh, well. Who will see? Three words I tell myself on those days, “I don’t care.” I do what I can. I care for my husband 24/7/365. Because he is immobile, we go nowhere and do nothing. I handle absolutely everything. I make 99.9% of decisions and handle whatever comes up. I also work 25 hours a week in the baby room of a daycare. If there’s dust on the tables at home or piles of dog/cat fur in the corners, you got it—“I don’t care.” There are no roaches in my house.
If you've spent the day doing the best you can, go to bed with a good book and congratulate yourself for a job well done. It’s all you can do.
I LOVE THIS!
And, thank you for reminding me not to sweat the small stuff. : )
Did you do the best you could on those "bad days"?
In reality could your bad day get worse? ..
Read some of the posts here and realize that you don't have the worst day..I read some of these and thank God that I had it pretty easy all things considered.
I think about some of the problems that members of my support group have and again I am thankful for what I had.
Whenever you do cope with a bad day and figure out how to make things right or easier pass that info on let others learn from you.
Another great way is to Journal about each day and make sure you include good things, funny things and not just the frustrations. But use the Journal to vent as well. As you Journal do look back and remind yourself what you THOUGHT was a bad day 3 months ago really was nothing compared to today. And in another 5 or 6 months you will look back on today and realize it really wasn't as bad as it seemed at the time. We all need time to shape or reshape our perspective.
I used to journal all the time, but got away from it. Something to start again though as it always helped me before.
P.S. An ice cream sounds perfect right now.