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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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A dish of ice cream sometimes helped. ..sometimes it was a whole pint! Did you do the best you could on those "bad days"? In reality could your bad day get worse? .. Read some of the posts here and realize that you don't have the worst day..I read some of these and thank God that I had it pretty easy all things considered. I think about some of the problems that members of my support group have and again I am thankful for what I had.
Whenever you do cope with a bad day and figure out how to make things right or easier pass that info on let others learn from you.
Another great way is to Journal about each day and make sure you include good things, funny things and not just the frustrations. But use the Journal to vent as well. As you Journal do look back and remind yourself what you THOUGHT was a bad day 3 months ago really was nothing compared to today. And in another 5 or 6 months you will look back on today and realize it really wasn't as bad as it seemed at the time. We all need time to shape or reshape our perspective.
Thank you for your response : ) I used to journal all the time, but got away from it. Something to start again though as it always helped me before. P.S. An ice cream sounds perfect right now.
Every single one of us who cares for someone gets frustrated, depressed and just plain mad. These feelings are always lurking in the corner of our minds. Whether or not we let them take over our lives is up to us. If we search out negativity, we will find it, especially in today’s world.
We are partly responsible for what happens to us during our days. However, we are not 100% “at fault”. I care for my husband and he has some days that he is whiny and demanding, or just dealing with negative feelings of his own which can get passed on to me. Those are the days that even the birds singing outside can p**s me off. If I let those days define me, those kinds of days come more and more often.
On my own, I have taught myself to not sweat the small stuff. No one comes over, so if there are dishes in the sink, I don’t worry. They’ll get done...eventually. House is messy? Oh, well. Who will see? Three words I tell myself on those days, “I don’t care.” I do what I can. I care for my husband 24/7/365. Because he is immobile, we go nowhere and do nothing. I handle absolutely everything. I make 99.9% of decisions and handle whatever comes up. I also work 25 hours a week in the baby room of a daycare. If there’s dust on the tables at home or piles of dog/cat fur in the corners, you got it—“I don’t care.” There are no roaches in my house.
If you've spent the day doing the best you can, go to bed with a good book and congratulate yourself for a job well done. It’s all you can do.
"If you've spent the day doing the best you can, go to bed with a good book and congratulate yourself for a job well done. It’s all you can do." I LOVE THIS! And, thank you for reminding me not to sweat the small stuff. : )
I read on my Kindle. I've read 104 books so far this year because sometimes I'm up and down all night with my mother. Once I'm awake I have a difficult time falling back to sleep.
My sister and I play cutthroat Yahtzee.
I also do "projects" like knit in straight rows and paint with watercolors and tear paper out of catalogs and glue it on boxes and lampshades. I even made my own urn out of ripped paper and an oatmeal carton. :0)
Wow! Great reading. Please share some of your favorite books. We have a public radio station for the blind here. They read fiction and nonfiction, newspapers, magazines, etc. It’s wonderful!
They have just as many sighted listeners. They read a lot of local authors too. It’s great.
I get away and go to daily mass or the library. I love makeup and shopping for make up or fixing myself up can make my day. A brouse at Ross, brousing not buying, is lots is fun. Then there's the hot bath.
Love your answer! I am Catholic as well and we are blessed to have daily mass. We also have a wonderful adoration chapel. You don’t necessarily even have to be Catholic to enjoy a quiet chapel to meditate or read.
Vodka + Xanax = ahhh (in moderation and only if legally prescribed and then only after you've tried meditation and breathing techniques, and after not during a course of the current antidepressant of the week.) Well it made me smile lol.
I live in Hawaii. I go to the beach. Get in the water and chill out. I take mom with me. Good for her to get out in the fresh air. Chill out with an old movie, popcorn and a glass of wine or whatever. Listen to relaxing music. Take a walk, exercise, meditate. Call a friend. Hope something works for you. Hugs. I've had a lot of bad caregiving days with mom.
A shower with lavender soap, a coloring book with florals, a good book, or retro channel TV comedy. Telling myself to take things one day at a time and tomorrow is a new day....and always chocolate.
One of my mantras - without my faith and sense of humor, I'd be nowhere! I watch comedies, read humor, and share humor with others. It also helps with my mother, which brightens her mood. Reading is a great escape! My support system of family and friends is also very helpful. I don't have to tell them my problems, although sometimes I do. Spending time with them helps me realize that I have a life separate from care giving. Focusing on the positives in my life and making sure I see the beauty around me can lift me out of the bad days. Chocolate, retail therapy (don't have to buy to enjoy), and acceptance help, too. Delegating and getting help when needed is also a must. Taking care of oneself, in whatever ways mean the most (exercise, beauty, quiet time, etc.) are also important. Be kind to yourself in your internal dialogue, too. My go-to is "I'm doing my best." Try not to agree to things you know aren't good for yourself despite how important your loved one believes it to be. You can't be all things to all people or you have nothing left for yourself. Set boundaries that are realistic and give you peace. I wish all of us the best in the highs and lows of care giving!
it is not their fault; it is not your fault. Bad days will continue to the end. I am also 52/365 mostly alone for the past six years. I just accept that tomorrow will be a worst day than today. Soooooo, today is the good day. Is it mind over matter or a fantasy world or a sleep stage and I may soon wake up. It is what it is and he/she is the one you love.
Please recognize that this "job" cannot be accomplished by everyone. You are doing what most can't! I appreciate all the responses and I might add: 1) calling another who has similar or other challenges going on in their life and supporting them. 2) I found a caregiver's support group and I started another to help others...but also to help me. I learned that my challenges weren't as bad as I thought. Like this forum, I learn so much from my peers, my fellow travelers on this caregiving journey. 3) I try to remember that I am not alone. God is working through others, but I have to open the door to my heart to connect....and get out there physically, or through email, telephone or snail mail. 4) Oh yes, journaling is also helping. Writing down my thoughts and feelings gets them out of my head, so then my mind is not sabotaging my intentions. 5) When I'm in the middle of it, I sometimes forget that I do have a life apart from my husband, and he likely will leave the earth plane before me so I am planning and "working on" my next chapter. Sometimes it's just in my mind and sometimes it's actually getting out there and doing when I can. 6) Noticing other men and women are doing this "job" with grace and courage, encourages me. Others who aren't, respectfully look upon our actions in awe and wonder, offering help, wishing us the best and praying for us. We are not alone. You are not alone. This service is the highest form of love.
Go to Google Images and type in "very funny memes." If that doesn't work, "very funny animal memes." Laughter is the best medicine. Then take a nap.
I read a lot, too, for escapism. A local used bookstore has tons of selections for $1 each. Thrift stores can be good sources, too. Just look for interesting titles and covers. If one doesn't strike your fancy, you haven't lost much. Then pass them along to someone else.
I love reading all the responses here! I tend to unravel at the end of a bad day and want to cry over a lot of calories. But I really worry about my own health. Bad food on top of stress is a recipe for disaster and after the loved one is gone...I will suffer the results of my choices. Talking to someone who will listen to me and laugh with me is the best! When I'm feeling really low the last thing i want to be around is a lot of really peppy girls in spandex BUT...going to the gym for a spin or yoga class is really good. If you have access to that and can manage to make yourself get inside i highly recommend giving it a try. You can cry at the same time and it will just blend right in with the sweat. As far as books go...I love Angela's Ashes. It is my favorite.
Imnotcrazy, have you listened to Angela's Ashes read by the author, Frank McCourt? If not, you must! I'm a huge audiobook fan and it is absolutely one of the best things I've ever heard.
I utilize a lot of positive self care strategies: gardening, bubble baths, a good movie or book, snuggling with my dogs but sometimes throwing myself a pity party is all that works - alcohol and lots of it maybe a benzodiazepine, too.
HeideWho, you may have been just kidding, but drinking and self medicating for a caregiver is not good advice. My sister in law became a habitual drinker while caring for her difficult mom, and it caused her to become neglectful.
Doing something I enjoyed before the care began, is what worked for me. Being a full time caregiver made me feel like I was losing my self identity, so taking up an old hobby got me back to feeling like my self, and was relaxing.
Crying at night helped. It’s God‘s way to cure your blues. Think of it that you are preparing the ease of your grief after the death of your loved ones. Hugs.
Not recommending. But yesterday was savaged by my moms nutso ness (a term our English Friend Countrymouse liked) I stopped for a six back of beer at Trader Joes and downed it in short order
I sit myself down and let myself get as low as possible. I really beat the bushes for issues that I cannot help. Nothing intrudes! Then I get up and go outdoors to see what the sky is doing.
Today, tomorrow, or any time (forget the past: it’s gone) the very best way I’ve found is two-fold…(1) Stay connected with friends outside of the role of caregiver, (2) Volunteer in a venue where you can provide genuine, caring service, and by that I mean doing something you enjoy and get positive feed-back. We need to nurture ourselves as a priority, in the same way you’d get your car routinely serviced. In this case we are the car and without service we, just like the car, will break down and be of no use whatsoever. As counter-intuitive as #2 sounds it makes biological and emotional sense. When we engage in anything where we get positive feed-back our biology responds with the release of a hormone/neurotransmitter called Oxytocin that makes us feel good, and there is no better way of overcoming the blues then that.
1. Walk and get out in nature 2. Listen to music - sometimes I need the upbeat stuff sometimes the calming stuff. 3. Learn how to belly breathe - you can google it. 4. Create a new recipe to take my mind off my worries. 5. Talk to a therapist. 6. Journal 7. Go to church and give it to God. 8. Hot bath with a book. 9. Call a friend. 10. Watch a comedy show on Netflix, or funny SNL sketches on Youtube. Anything to laugh.
I enjoyed all the answers given so far. If 😢 crying or online shopping don't help you feel better, I like 💃dancing to silly songs like Lady Gaga's "poker face". (Cutting up my veggies for a salad is relaxing too). I may read "quora" or similar sites with different people's opinions about life. Grocery shopping on weekends here is fun, (with so many little children there), I enjoy their carefree nature. Even if some of them are rolling on the floor screaming, its still fun. God bless us all.
Thanks Tiger. When I was grieving my 1st husband's death, I found that babies have such an incredible loving energy. I used to go to a meeting where a young mom brought her baby. With her permission, and gratitude, I'd take the baby and walk her in the hall if she'd been fussing.
Sometimes a screaming child makes me smile, because I am not responsible or have to fix. I can remember the days I did.
I’m my husbands caregiver and I’m feeling “beat up” myself, but don’t really have any answers for you. I also have migraines and chronic pain, so it’s hard to take care of myself and my husband. Thanks for listening, I feel a little better.❤️
Yes. I too suffer physical symptoms. I get aches and pains all over my body especially in the lower limbs. All manifestations of my stress and unhappiness. My husband suffers from severe psychiatric problems which cause him to turn it into physical non descriptive conditions. We have been from A to Z with doctors and diagnosis but it turns out it is his anxiety, fears and basic need to control my life that has caused it all. I have just written a letter to his new psychiatrist (elder specialist) telling him I can’t go on with this. My husband is 64. I am 61.
Just breathe. Deep breaths. Hot bath, read, watch a funny silly movie or videos-that make no sense but you can't help but laugh at them because they are so ridiculous, DANCE to music like no one is watching (maybe naked?), take a walk, listen to baby and little kid laugh videos, have a cocktail or two (or three +, whatever it takes), journal. And, acceptance-it is what it is until its not (that's the tough one).
Yes!!! These are my "go to" ideas too - well, maybe not the naked dancing! LOL I'm a quilter but I find that my mind can wander while I'm working, so my best ways to completely remove myself are reading and the baby and funny videos. They just give me that little bit of a breather and break the tension enough that I can move forward. And, for what it's worth, today was one of those days for me too.......brutal. Hang in there - there are wonderful people with great ideas here!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Did you do the best you could on those "bad days"?
In reality could your bad day get worse? ..
Read some of the posts here and realize that you don't have the worst day..I read some of these and thank God that I had it pretty easy all things considered.
I think about some of the problems that members of my support group have and again I am thankful for what I had.
Whenever you do cope with a bad day and figure out how to make things right or easier pass that info on let others learn from you.
Another great way is to Journal about each day and make sure you include good things, funny things and not just the frustrations. But use the Journal to vent as well. As you Journal do look back and remind yourself what you THOUGHT was a bad day 3 months ago really was nothing compared to today. And in another 5 or 6 months you will look back on today and realize it really wasn't as bad as it seemed at the time. We all need time to shape or reshape our perspective.
I used to journal all the time, but got away from it. Something to start again though as it always helped me before.
P.S. An ice cream sounds perfect right now.
We are partly responsible for what happens to us during our days. However, we are not 100% “at fault”. I care for my husband and he has some days that he is whiny and demanding, or just dealing with negative feelings of his own which can get passed on to me. Those are the days that even the birds singing outside can p**s me off. If I let those days define me, those kinds of days come more and more often.
On my own, I have taught myself to not sweat the small stuff. No one comes over, so if there are dishes in the sink, I don’t worry. They’ll get done...eventually. House is messy? Oh, well. Who will see? Three words I tell myself on those days, “I don’t care.” I do what I can. I care for my husband 24/7/365. Because he is immobile, we go nowhere and do nothing. I handle absolutely everything. I make 99.9% of decisions and handle whatever comes up. I also work 25 hours a week in the baby room of a daycare. If there’s dust on the tables at home or piles of dog/cat fur in the corners, you got it—“I don’t care.” There are no roaches in my house.
If you've spent the day doing the best you can, go to bed with a good book and congratulate yourself for a job well done. It’s all you can do.
I LOVE THIS!
And, thank you for reminding me not to sweat the small stuff. : )
Laughter..........another VERY powerful coping technique.
My sister and I play cutthroat Yahtzee.
I also do "projects" like knit in straight rows and paint with watercolors and tear paper out of catalogs and glue it on boxes and lampshades. I even made my own urn out of ripped paper and an oatmeal carton. :0)
And I eat gummy bears.
They have just as many sighted listeners. They read a lot of local authors too. It’s great.
Love the hot bath! One of my favorites.
My absolute favorite answer!!!
Nothing I could add to that one! Thanks so much for this genuine reply!
I just love naps.
My kids did a poster for mother's day one year and they listed all of 'mom's favorite things' and right after TAB, came "a long nap".
Yep, these kids know their mama.
And everything seems better after a nap.
Chill out with an old movie, popcorn and a glass of wine or whatever.
Listen to relaxing music. Take a walk, exercise, meditate. Call a friend. Hope something works for you. Hugs. I've had a lot of bad caregiving days with mom.
My support system of family and friends is also very helpful. I don't have to tell them my problems, although sometimes I do. Spending time with them helps me realize that I have a life separate from care giving.
Focusing on the positives in my life and making sure I see the beauty around me can lift me out of the bad days.
Chocolate, retail therapy (don't have to buy to enjoy), and acceptance help, too.
Delegating and getting help when needed is also a must. Taking care of oneself, in whatever ways mean the most (exercise, beauty, quiet time, etc.) are also important. Be kind to yourself in your internal dialogue, too. My go-to is "I'm doing my best." Try not to agree to things you know aren't good for yourself despite how important your loved one believes it to be. You can't be all things to all people or you have nothing left for yourself. Set boundaries that are realistic and give you peace.
I wish all of us the best in the highs and lows of care giving!
I appreciate all the responses and I might add: 1) calling another who has similar or other challenges going on in their life and supporting them. 2) I found a caregiver's support group and I started another to help others...but also to help me. I learned that my challenges weren't as bad as I thought. Like this forum, I learn so much from my peers, my fellow travelers on this caregiving journey. 3) I try to remember that I am not alone. God is working through others, but I have to open the door to my heart to connect....and get out there physically, or through email, telephone or snail mail. 4) Oh yes, journaling is also helping. Writing down my thoughts and feelings gets them out of my head, so then my mind is not sabotaging my intentions. 5) When I'm in the middle of it, I sometimes forget that I do have a life apart from my husband, and he likely will leave the earth plane before me so I am planning and "working on" my next chapter. Sometimes it's just in my mind and sometimes it's actually getting out there and doing when I can. 6) Noticing other men and women are doing this "job" with grace and courage, encourages me. Others who aren't, respectfully look upon our actions in awe and wonder, offering help, wishing us the best and praying for us. We are not alone. You are not alone. This service is the highest form of love.
I read a lot, too, for escapism. A local used bookstore has tons of selections for $1 each. Thrift stores can be good sources, too. Just look for interesting titles and covers. If one doesn't strike your fancy, you haven't lost much. Then pass them along to someone else.
Good luck. And yes, you're doing your best.
I tend to unravel at the end of a bad day and want to cry over a lot of calories. But I really worry about my own health. Bad food on top of stress is a recipe for disaster and after the loved one is gone...I will suffer the results of my choices. Talking to someone who will listen to me and laugh with me is the best!
When I'm feeling really low the last thing i want to be around is a lot of really peppy girls in spandex BUT...going to the gym for a spin or yoga class is really good. If you have access to that and can manage to make yourself get inside i highly recommend giving it a try. You can cry at the same time and it will just blend right in with the sweat.
As far as books go...I love Angela's Ashes. It is my favorite.
Doing something I enjoyed before the care began, is what worked for me. Being a full time caregiver made me feel like I was losing my self identity, so taking up an old hobby got me back to feeling like my self, and was relaxing.
We need to nurture ourselves as a priority, in the same way you’d get your car routinely serviced. In this case we are the car and without service we, just like the car, will break down and be of no use whatsoever.
As counter-intuitive as #2 sounds it makes biological and emotional sense. When we engage in anything where we get positive feed-back our biology responds with the release of a hormone/neurotransmitter called Oxytocin that makes us feel good, and there is no better way of overcoming the blues then that.
2. Listen to music - sometimes I need the upbeat stuff sometimes the calming stuff.
3. Learn how to belly breathe - you can google it.
4. Create a new recipe to take my mind off my worries.
5. Talk to a therapist.
6. Journal
7. Go to church and give it to God.
8. Hot bath with a book.
9. Call a friend.
10. Watch a comedy show on Netflix, or funny SNL sketches on Youtube. Anything to laugh.
Sometimes a screaming child makes me smile, because I am not responsible or have to fix. I can remember the days I did.