My aunt's mental state declined as a result of scar tissue in her brain from radiation treatments for her cancer. Her cancer is gone, but she now has frequent boughts of confusion and needs help caring for herself. Her husband and daughter have control of her care. Her daughter has made several comments that suggest she has not been giving my aunt all of her medications, but nothing that could be proved. In addition, I have also heard stories from various family members of instances where they have let her sit in soiled garments for hours or forgotten to feed her. They deny this. I have also heard stories in which her husband calls her "a hideous thing" and "grotesque monster". Again, I cannot prove these things. I live several states away and I am getting my information from secondary sources. No one ever called APS because they did not want to upset my aunt or cause a rift in the family.
Recently, her family allowed a case of shingles to advance so far that my aunt swelled terribly and had to be hospitalized and fed with a feeding tube. In the hospital, under the proper care and medications, she recovered quickly and was doing well. However, instead of taking her home, they put her in a hospice. There was no information or indication that a hospice is necessary at this time. When her family was questioned by my aunt's brothers and sisters, they were told that she was sent there to die and would not recover.
To date, my aunt has not been told (and is not allowed to know) that she is in a hospice for the rest of her life. Her family has instructed everyone to tell her that she was just moved to another facility to get better - they said she wouldn't know the difference and that she would die soon anyway. She knows that difference, she keeps asking when she will get to go home. There is no evidence she is dying. In addition, none of her children (nor her husband) have gone to visit her since she has been moved. My aunts and several other cousins have been to visit her and say that she is alert and doing well. There is no evidence that she is dying or as cognitively deficient as her daughter keeps implying. We believe that her previous cognitive difficulties were due to improper administration of medication, poor diet, and anger over poor care (even though we know that she can speak, she won't speak to her daughter when she is in the room).
Because of her diminished mental capacity, and there obviously is some confusion and difficulty caring for herself, she cannot legally appoint another caretaker. Her daughter will not willingly give up this power, and her husband just wants her "disgusting out of his sight." My aunts and uncles want to know if there is anything they can do to gain control of her care so that they can work with her to pick a facility of her choosing or to provide home health care if possible (though we do not think it is a good idea based on her families past behavior).
Is there anything we can do?
I understand you are concerned about your aunt and I'm glad your aunt has you to be concerned and to be an advocate for her. But you need to see for yourself what's going on before you take any action. For example, "Uncle Johnny told cousin Sue who told me....." is not enough information. Remember that old child's game, Post Office? I've seen that happen over and over where someone mistakes someone else's tone and then infers something that's totally inaccurate but relays the information along as gospel. You have to see for yourself.
The daughter may be a leech, but she may also be someone who has had a hard life, so go easy on her until you know which.
During her cancer treatment, my aunt moved back in with my ailing grandmother because her husband didn't want her in the house. He may have visited twice in the year she was there. She had to leave my grandmother's house because of my grandmother's failing health. He told my mother that she (my aunt) was fat and hideous and that he didn't want to look at her ugly old a**. My mother told him off. He is not despairing the loss of his wife.
After a doctors appointment, an aunt witnessed my cousin (my sick aunt's daughter) throwing away 4 prescriptions that the doctor had given her. When asked, she said that two were too expensive and she wasn't paying for them, meaning she wouldn't use my aunts money for them (my mom and her sisters have offed to pay - they gave her money, but my aunt was never given the meds. One prescription she refused to fill because it made my aunt incontinent at night and she wasn't going to clean it up. The fourth she claimed was toxic and the doctor was just stupid for prescribing it....
As for "caring" for her mother, my cousins idea of "full-time" care included bringer her cheeseburgers from McDonalds for almost every mea, and maybe cleaning her up every other day. We know she wasn't there many times when she claimed to be because other family members saw her in other places on those days. Once At a family BBQ, My cousin brought my aunt for about 30 min, then claimed they had to leave because my aunt was too tired (even though she was talking and laughing and said she wanted to stay) -my cousin took her mother home and left her there alone while she went back to the BBQ. I was there, and I was angry, but my mother asked me not to say anything.
My family is concerned that the doctor's opinion of my aunt's failing health was due to poor care and that the doctors may have signed off on the hospice before they were able to see the improvemenents that being under regimented care brought. One doctor made a comment to one of my other aunts that my sick aunt was improving rapidly, like it was a miracle recovery, or something similar.
These are only a few instances. My mother and aunts are good people, but in a family this large and integrated, there is a lot of caution about upsetting people or making waves. I have urged them to call APS on several occasions, but they were afraid of causing a rift in the family. Now we are worried that it is too late.
Thank you all for your help. We have contacted a lawyer.
I may just not understand what "hospice care" actually is. I apologize if I have offended anyone with my lack of understanding.