At what point to you pull the plug on giving ANY medical information on a loved one for which you are POA? I tried, in the name of family unity to have an in-person pow-wow. Everything I said went in one ear and out the other. Family members are wanting to question every medical decision I make. I am simply not being listened to. At this point I see no other recourse but to limit all medical information. I am MPOA and another relative is DPOA. If I cut off access to medical information does the DPOA have any recourse? I don't want to be put in the position of a care bill not being paid. Advice?
Does the financial POA tell everyone how the person stands financially because they shouldn't. That info s/b kept confidential.
Stop the Pow Wows. You can explain what I said that you researched and found as POA you shouldn't and you are not obigated to give private info out.
I believe I would read over the medical POA very carefully. I might even call the attorney and ask a few questions. It could be that a meeting with both POAs and the attorney would be beneficial. One can have a legal right and still not reach the objective. These are legal documents but for a loved one. The family being in discord is not helpful to the agent. It’s truly good that they care about their parents care and feed back from someone who cares should be considered but you are still the decision maker and not free to discuss more than the agent would choose. It’s a tough spot to be in. Being a POA is not a fun job. It’s a gift you are giving to the agent as well as to your siblings who don’t have the legal responsibility but still may feel a moral obligation to look out for their parent, the agent. I agree with stopping the meetings as they didn’t work. Regardless of what medical treatment you choose, your parent will one day die. Read the book “Being Mortal, Medicine and What Matters in the End” by Atul Gawande. It helps with the stress of caring for a loved one and may give you peace with your difficult decisions.
I am assuming here that the agent is beyond the ability to revoke either of the POAs and assign one person to handle both? Let us know how this plays out. We learn from one another.
"I hear what you are suggesting; after consulting with the medical professionals and with mom, I don't believe it's the right course of action".
Why would a "care bill" (sorry, don't know what that is) not be paid?
My advice was to meet with family and explain your parent's wishes. You have done that. So that is now OVER.
Now you will simply update them on the daily progress as your parent moves toward the hopefully peaceful demise chosen.
Again, thanks for honoring the wishes of your parents. No one else's wishes or opinions matter. Continue to give updates to ONE person and have them form a PHONE TREE to communicate with all others. Do let them know that you aren't interested in and have no time for their opinions, that you are busy honoring your parents wishes. Keep on keeping on. Unlikely that they will stop. Unlike that they will be satisfied. So don't even try.
The only interference i get is from an inlaw. She wants to be in control. That's not happening any time soon.
Poa is a difficult sometimes thankless job but i get peace of mind knowing i am doing the right thing for mom. That's all that matters. Good luck to you.
It is, we discussed under other threads, not always good to have two DPOA, one for health and one for financial, but that is the way it is.
I think your problem, quite honestly, is that you are not MAKING BOUNDARIES and sticking to them.
I would not become adversarial, and withdrawing any info IS adversarial. That could force someone on the "other side" to go for guardianship through the courts so that YOU are removed. You cannot allow that to happen because, as you fully discussed before, you are responsible to one person here, YOUR ELDER who told you exactly what" they wanted done, and you are doing it.
Do not allow questions. And TELL THEM YOU WILL NOT. Tell ONE PERSON, as I said before, a daily update. "ie Dad is comfortable. This is progressing as is expected. His blood pressure is lower. There are no treatments other than comfort. He is comfortable". THE END and FULL STOP. No discussion. In fact tell them "I am not discussing details. Dad is now dying. The expected outcome is death and that is what we are moving toward. Please pass on the update." This may go on and on and on and on because in all truth, the doctors will tell you "No dialysis and he will die" but the truth often is that the body adapts and he may not die quickly at all.
You must set limits. If you are unable to set limits and stick to them (and ONE argument or discussion ruins everything) or this stew is going to roil on the burner forever until everything is gone.
Set strick limits. Tell them what you are doing.
1. I will speak with one person daily. Form a phone tree now.
2. The expected outcome is death. That is what is to be expected. Without dialysis Dad will die. Either more or less quickly. I cannot know that. Nor does the doctor. I will not say this twice.
3. I will NOT brook any interference in the task I have taken on. I will not argue. I will not discuss.
GOODBYE. Take a walk. Take good care of yourself. This is very hard for all of us.
If you feel you cannot handle this, if you want to set this dreadful group onto the doctors, and prolong your Dad's life against his wishes, and submit him to the torture that all that is, then step back and let others assume this duty of end of life. It IS end of life care, whether there is dialysis or not, in all truth. But it appears you are being tortured not by the demise of someone you love, but by your own family.
GET HELP either for yourself, or the whole family. Ask the social services you are working with at hospice to make a recommend for you.
Sorry this continues to go so badly, but until you put your foot down this will not change.
IF YOU ARE NOT BEING LISTENED TO THEN STOP TALKING.
With my stepmother, I let her tell them whatever she wanted. I didn't talk to them at all about her status. I did however let them know that she was rapidly declining and if they wanted to see her they had better get down here quickly. She passed away in her sleep on Dec 31 2018.
Neither sister ever offered to help me with any of the multitude of details it takes to handle someone's affairs.
My advice is to just tell them your dad is doing as well as expected, then change the subject
And please don't be quick to discount a suggestion made by others. Sometimes you may find it is worth asking about if you just keep an open mind. In fact, ask a few of the questions posed to you by other family members to the doctor(s) you see. And provide feedback to family so they know you have actually considered their input.
Hopefully you are not paying for their medication yourself (aka your own funds.) If it is your parents' funds, how is it you have access to them? That is DPOA's bailiwick.
As for the others, the only thing I would share with them is very high level status, and given their "issues", it should be email or letter only, not by phone. It is unfortunate that you caved on the appt and hopefully it won't be taxing to the parents - maybe telehealth only? The only thing DPOA might ask is whether a bill/charge is legit before paying it, otherwise it is none of that person's biz. Their "job" is to manage the finances as best they can in the manner that your parents would want (of course not giving in to parents wanting to blow it all on something silly!) As to what the medication is and what it's for, that's YOUR job,
It is best if families can work together, understand the roles we are given and not cause problems. In your case, as much as they are being a pain in the butt, it at least sounds like they want to help, although it isn't what your parents wanted. The ones who butt in and cause issues because they want to preserve what's left to get a bigger piece of the "pie" are the real scum of the earth.
Hoping that this silly doc appt will appease them - then again they could say the doc is in your pocket and demand a second opinion... The answer to that is a resounding NO!
Even if they are going to be doing the overnight "care", hopefully you will be there too. I wouldn't leave them alone with these family members.
It is pain in the neck if the family is trying to butt in inappropriately, but not reasonable to cut them out completely. Could you get together with the financial POA to work out a joint strategy? Yes, it has been left up to you two, but most caring family members would be understandably annoyed if they were simply told to mind their own business. Work out what the two of you can say, and just don't respond to the inappropriate queries.
It is pain in the neck if the family is trying to butt in inappropriately, but not reasonable to cut them out completely. Could you get together with the financial POA to work out a joint strategy? Yes, it has been left up to you two, but most caring family members would be understandably annoyed if they were simply told to mind their own business.
Do your sisters not believe the dementia dx that your parent has?
This sort of assessment WAS useful for us as a baseline for my mom AND in getting the rest of family on board with the fact that there was something wrong with mom's brain, not just her having emotional meltdowns.
I would seek to ascertain if they would continue 6 hours of testing if it was clear that your parent was being harmed by the process.
Unclear what your LO has, or what the prognosis is, but I wouldn't want to sit through any 6 hour grind myself and I am relatively healthy! It's none of our business what the medical issues are, but if you are overseeing the care that LO would have wanted, then it is NO ONE else's business either, family or not.
As noted before, it is okay to share some information, and if a family is close knit, I would even share more details. If they start questioning every decision I made, then I would tell them this is what I was assigned to do and I'm doing it, and would provide little to no additional information. If they started to pester me, I wouldn't take their calls or respond to email or texts.
My OB was never assigned any POA capability (YB and I were, OB isn't local, so was not here to sign documents, and we certainly don't need another *stupid* opinion.) In our case, mom is living in MC, and I manage everything for her. YB doesn't lift a finger or even listen, so I generally don't bother with consulting him. I basically cut ties with OB for different reasons and haven't had ANY contact in over 2.5 years.
That said, just recently mom had a stroke. She refused transport, so they turned to me. I gave them okay to attempt transport and testing, but only IF they could get her to agree, and specified no hospitalization. I did phone consult with YB and reported back that he was in agreement with me. She's "managing" ok (we were DENIED hospice!! At 97, with dementia, no real hearing, wheelchair only, right side weakness due to stroke, takes 2 people to transfer her now, etc.), Funny that after she was doing a little better (found slumped over, drooling, slurring words and unable to do much with her right side), she asked the nurse who called EMS. When the nurse said she did, mom got angry at her and tried to kick her!
I know she previously had indicated no extensive care, so it's time to let this run it's course. Anyway, I felt it was only right to inform OB, so I sent email with high level info and included links to more information. Took 15 hrs to get a reply "Thanks for update". No questions about her status, just that. I'd bet during that 15 hrs he was likely checking to see how much is left in the trust (we all 3 are trustees, so he can see the balances, etc.) Last time he was here, over 2.5 yrs ago, he wouldn't even visit her a second time, after a very short morning visit, saying he "doesn't know what to do with her." She wasn't that bad back then - just a lot of repetition, which you can get around!
Anyway, you do what you feel is right and let those others think what they want. It's not likely you're going to convince them of anything, so why bother? As for the DPOA and finances, that person should be paying the bills and ONLY question if a bill is legit. Otherwise, ignore the rest and try not to stress over anything they say.