My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years now. He recently turned 63 in May. However, since December of 2023, I have begun to notice a gradual decline in his mental state/mood/personality that is inexplicable. I'll explain: When I first met him, he was an even-keeled, calm, introverted, shy kind of guy. He never raised his voice, never got his feathers ruffled by either petty or big annoyances - I loved that about him - and, while not being the most emotionally expressive man in the world, was considerate and a "gentleman".
Fast forward to the last 8 months or so and gradually, things have changed. His mood seems to go up and down from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour (joyful, energetic one morning/flat, caustic attitude the next - and then changes later that day to being peppy and/or down again); he gets agitated while driving, swearing up a storm and flipping off anyone he thinks is driving badly. He will start pointless, odd arguments with me about ridiculous "point-of-view" issues that I try not to engage in, and when I don't, it only makes him more irritated. To make matters worse, if I tell him that something he is doing or saying is upsetting me, his response will be "no, it isn't" (!) or he will simply flat out deny that he even said it at all (!?), despite saying it only a few moments before, almost as if he can't remember or is not even "present" in his own conversation to recall anything he says. If, for instance, he may accidentally bump into me or startle me and I react, he no longer says the obligatory/casual "oh sorry, you ok?" but just doesn't even notice it. If I happen to mention it, he tells me it’s my fault.
He also seems to having a difficult time hearing, has lost a lot of the emotionality he used to have, and just seems...off.
I do know he has trouble with sleeping and aside from being a computer animator, is also a professional craftsman/artist and so uses a lot of chemicals/paints in his work, sometimes in a not-so-ventilated area.
The reason I am posting here is because I have considered every other potential "issue" that might be causing this sudden mood/personality shift (no drugs, no drinking, etc.) and have come up empty every time. I can certainly give more detail if need be, but I wanted to lay out the basics. At present, our relationship is steady and he makes no indication that he wants to end things (i.e. he never complains about me in the big picture), but I'm enduring a lot and I'm not so certain how much more I can take.
Otherwise he sounds like his "dating behavior" has faded into who he really is.
I would get out now, before you invest more valuable time in a relationship you don't seem happy with.
You also have choices.
To keep 'walking on eggshells' around his moods. Or not. Walk out of the room, do not engage if any put downs.
Find a calmer time to discuss things. See if in a quieter time he opens up?
Keep your friendships. Start finding hobbies without him. Keep looking for joy in your life. Whether you stick around or not is up to you.
But whatever the reason, this should be a HUGE red flag for you, and one that you definitely shouldn't ignore.
One should not have to endure a lot in a healthy dating relationship, so it may be time to seriously rethink this relationship.
But I agree with what others are saying, run, no matter what the reason is.
We have discussed this on the forum, at 60 if something happens to my husband, I'll never get into another long term relationship, because I'm going to be done caregiving by then .
Best of luck
In order to get an accurate diagnosis he needs to accept that he's having a problem. If he's in denial, there's literally nothing you can do. Even if it's dementia... there's nothing you can do -- except notify his next of kin, if he is close to any other family.
He may have anosognosia, which is a lack of ability to perceive the realities of one’s own condition. It’s a person’s inability to accept that they have a condition that matches up with their symptoms or a formal diagnosis.
If it were me I would opt out of this relationship right now unless you want to get sucked into being a verbally abused, exhausted caregiver by an ungrateful person, rather than being a happy girlfriend with a loving BF who have a future together.
You can't rescue him. Breaking up may be the only thing that snaps him into the reality of his behavioral situation. It's not your job to fix him. He can't be fixed without his willing participation.
As I read your post, I did detect cognitive dissonance on your part. This is normal under these abnormal circumstances. Even though we see changes in someone's treatment of us, we always revert back to the beginning of how we were treated during the honeymoon period of the relationship. Are these actually dementia symptoms or some other type of personality disorder when he deflects and gaslights you into thinking everything is okay. Is he displaying intermittent abuse cycles to keep you off balanced?
I had a woman tell me 50 yrs ago to go thru 4 seasons with a person before getting serious. It takes that long for someone to start showing their real colors. Do not be a martyr here. Do not get anymore into this relationship till you find out what is going on. Don't give up your life for someone you have only known for 2 yrs. If you don't live together good easier to back off. If he is living with you, ask him to leave and why. If your living with him, u leave telling him why. Please, your gut is telling you something. Get out before he takes his anger out on you.
But I concur - I'm not going to dig in any more to this relationship until we get this sorted. I love him more than anything, but I'm thinking that putting that love I have on ice for now is the best course of action - I refuse to give and give and not get anything in return.
You are speaking of someone with mental illness, depression, unhappiness, and etc. And you certainly are speaking of someone I would not care to live with. This isn't a husband. This isn't a partner. You call him a "boyfriend" and the whole purpose of boyfriend and girlfriend is to learn if this is someone you want to live with lifelong?
So is he? Someone you wish to live with? For me, he would not be. I think you cannot change people. You aren't responsible for their happiness. But you are responsible for your own and your own choices. You say he makes no indication he wants to end things. No, why would he? He gets to be as grumpy and abusive as he wants to be and you dance around trying to make it OK.
I would seek counseling with him. If he doesn't care to go that would be the line of crossing. I would be out of there.
Have your boyfriend go to his primary doctor or to an Urgent Care, where he can be tested for UTI. It's very simple: peeing in a cup. Usually the results can be found while you wait. The treatment is antibiotics.
RUN
Headaches
dizziness
nausea and vomiting
abdominal pain
mood swings and belligerence
appearing intoxicated
decline in thinking skills, concentration, and decision-making ability
loss of interest in normal activities
damage to personal relationships
numbness
tingling in hands and feet
loss of coordination
fatigue
hearing loss
apathy
impaired judgment
Brain damage
Sniffing glue and other inhalants — especially those that include the solvents toluene and naphthalene — can damage the myelin sheath, the thin covering around the nerve fibers in the brain and the rest of your nervous system. This damage can cause long-term harm to brain function, causing neurological problems similar to those seen with multiple sclerosis.
Your bf has a few of the symptoms listed above. Dementia presents a bit differently, more like forgetting everything constantly and putting his keys in the freezer, like Alva said. Your bf may be reacting to chemical toxin overload in his system instead.
Really, we can only guess at what's going on. But he should see the doctor stat for a full physical and cognitive workup, with labs to see what his bloodwork looks like. In any event, I think I'd be bowing out of this relationship if it were me. You need to be part of a team where your man treats you with loving attention and patience. Not where you're going to be the subject of his wrath, for WHATEVER reason, medical or behavioral. Who cares? Sometimes love is not enough when you're facing a situation like this.
Good luck to you.
And YES, he's also allergic to a lot of the chemicals he uses in his crafting, but he's still going at it and won't give it up. He tries his best to keep his place ventilated when he's working and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't (ugh). Personally I think it's the chemicals doing this or at least part of his personality change (I think others below are right on the money - I think it might be depression) because he's had an unusual amount of orders come in for his crafting and he's been inundated with chemicals for the past 3 weeks. I'm in a holding pattern at the moment to see what happens when he finishes this batch. However, the past three weeks doesn't explain the way he's been acting/feeling since December of last year. Around that time, he did tell me he was feeling down and there seemed to be some sort of "shift" in his outlook on life, but more or less that "shift" seemed to go up and down, so I didn't pay attention to it. But as you say, I deserve a loving, patient man and if his behavior does not alter into his "old" self that I loved, I'm going to have to move on.
I have known several people personally with glioblastoma. Most recently my niece’s husband died after 19 months of treatment.
He returned from a 40 mi bike ride (his norm) and my niece noticed something. She called her RN son and they questioned him a bit. Answered everything correctly until he got to his BD. Didn’t know his birthday. Trip to the ER that day, tests in the ER. He knew he had a brain tumor in less than 24 hours.
Looking back, there were decisions he made that were questionable. He had taken a new position several states away. My niece, his wife, didn’t think he should take the job so far away from their home. She wanted him to retire. He bought a condo in the new state and flew home every few weeks. He just happened to be home with wife for the weekend. Diagnosed at 68. Dead at 70.
The other one that stands out to me is a guy who worked for DH. Bizarre behavior out of the blue. I thought he had dementia just by listening to conversations he was having with DH. Diagnosed at 64, dead within a couple of weeks at 65.
He was working/living away from home and becoming stranger by the minute it seemed. His wife went to visit and called my DH alarmed at what she found.
Each of these wives might have noticed something earlier if they had been living together 24/7.
Might be worth reading about a bit and seeing if you can get him in for a CT or MRI.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/17032-glioblastoma
In your shoes and aged around 60, I would get out of this. Even if his behavior is about the craft chemicals, he probably won’t stop the craft. It’s all too hard, and there are too many red flags. I'd do it now, because the longer you leave it, the harder are the other options.
If you want a relationship that will last into the future, put some effort now into broadening your options. I’d suggest that for anyone else, you meet their friends and family, and find out more about their past (and past relationships). Give yourself some other options. If you haven't done this with the current BF, do it now. You never know what you will find out.
I just turned 40, so I'm considerably younger than he is (22 years). I was "stuck" as you say in my last relationship for 16 years being married to an Autistic guy because I didn't have the strength to get out, so yes - I totally understand that. Everything was perfect with my current BF and he was such a blast of fresh air from my previous experience, which is why we gelled so quickly. What burdens me is that he's going down this dark path and I have no interest in navigating it with him, other than to get him help and get him OUT of it if I can. Otherwise --- I'm gone.
My husband grew up playing hockey (and still plays 3x a week), also had a roll-over car accident and then a kite skiing accident that resulted in him losing his memory for 12 hours. I watch him closely for signs of CTE, not that anything can help him if he did develop it.
Aside from this, you are 22 years apart in age. Odds are that you will become his caregiver sooner rather than later. AND you said he's not one to take care of his health and go to a doctor regularly -- even when he had a bacterial infection in his tooth YOU had to make the appointment *like his Mom*. If you live 2 hours apart, how often do you see each other? How well do you really know this guy after 2 years?
"At present, our relationship is steady and he makes no indication that he wants to end things (i.e. he never complains about me in the big picture), but I'm enduring a lot ..."
Of course he never complains and doesn't want to end things -- he now has a free caregiver-in-training who is ready to orbit around him in his planned helplessness. You shouldn't be enduring anything...
Yup, he played baseball when he was younger but never had concussions with that....HOWEVER! Now that you do mention it, he did hit his head on a piece of plexiglass in his apartment on accident. It left a scratch on his forehead, but I don't think he hit it that hard. He's had a few bicycle accidents in his youth, but I don't believe he's had a concussion that I know of.
We see each other a few times each week. Rarely does a week go by where we aren't getting together and we talk regularly each day. We've traveled together. He's rather independent and introverted, so he doesn't need people or contact the way I do, so he's use to being solo, but goes out and does things with me on a regular basis.
But as you say some people don't go to doctors, I know a few too. But if you are persistence and tell him that its this way or no way maybe he will who knows.
When he starts to argue with you WALK AWAY. Don't let him do this. He will get the message hopefully.
Prayers
The *only* thing he has done recently to change things? He's starting to make and drink his own smoothies because he thinks that somehow will contribute to overall good health and as he said "I can stick around longer for my sweetie." Lord...
You can't fix him or make him get well.
I suggest reading the book, "Why does he do that. Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." by Lundy Bancroft. There are also many videos on Youtube to watch. It's quite the eye-opener.
His "bumps" into you may not be accidental at all. His foul mood swings may just be who he really is, and it's now coming out.
If you stick with this guy and eventually move or get married then prepare for many years of unhappiness.
I wish you peace.
Georgia
That’s too involved focused on yourself, Miss NOT this!
1. When is the last time your boyfriend had a CBC test? cholesterol and blood pressure?
2. If your boyfriend is following politics too closely, he may be reacting to the environment.
Researching the many experts, books, You Tubes, webinars, etc.
I encourage you to google TEEPA SNOW, read her books, do her webinars, and watch her You Tubes.
Contact a local dementia / Alz Association for support / information.
Gena / Touch Matters
I recently started having problems completing my work projects. I just could not remember next steps and started freezing up over the processes that required intellect - things that weren't black and white.
Perhaps the difference is that I reached out to every professional for their perspective. It sounds like your guy isn't willing. An issue for both of you. FaithWhit, you will be in my prayers.
Here is my result. Diagnosed with depression (Dysthymic Disorder) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder from a mental health perspective, likely due to an unsafe childhood environment and other stressors. Then, my primary care physician referred me for an MRI. That test uncovered two additional diagnoses. Basically, brain atrophy that was advanced beyond my 63 years. My neurologist calmed my nerves by ruling out early Alzheimer's. He gave me a great analogy. He referenced the age spots on my arms and said that I have age spots in my brain tissue. Unfortunately, these were more advanced for a person of my age. Fortunately, his advice was a low-dose aspirin daily and to continue therapy for my mental health issues.
In addition, I felt like my wife started mumbling. Hah! So, I went to an ENT doc and was diagnosed with hearing loss. He shared with me how hearing loss impacts the brain. He explained that this impacts the area of my brain that is also impacted by Covid. I had a severe case of Covid two years ago while in Europe. This timeframe correlated to when I started noticing that my wife mumbled. Again, hah! It's really interesting what multiple studies have associated with hearing loss.
But, let me share another perspective. My mother remarried a man 21 years her senior. It worked great while she was 40 and he was a young 60! To others' points of view, she did become a caretaker. She aged more quickly that one would expect and is currently in hospice care at 83.
I wish I could help you more! You're unfortunately in a hard spot. You, alone, will have to decide what is best for you. My thoughts are this; if my wife didn't find some value in our relationship, I'd want her to make the hard decision to leave me. But she didn't have your added problem of convincing me to seek help.
I've found this forum helpful with issues related to my mother's aging and haven't offered much up until now. I see your situation and it seems a lot like what I've been going through from your partner's perspective.
I never left my husband when he developed dementia, but stayed with him until the end.
But if I was now dating someone who started showing signs of any mental issues/decline, I'd choose to run too, as I don't ever want to go through that again.
I am grateful that you have a loving wife that like me, took her wedding vows very seriously, and is walking along side you on this difficult journey.
Or he could have a Pornography addiction that you are not aware of. Porn addiction causes many other mood and behavioral problems.
If you ask him and he says no, that doesn’t mean that he’s not an addict. Pornography addiction is very shameful to the person experiencing it. They will lie and cover it up.
Any kind of screen addiction could also cause mood issues and erratic behavior.
There is a dopamine deficiency and the lack of dopamine causes the symptoms that cause the behavior.
Trust me, I considered this. I haven't completely ruled it out, nonetheless! But I knew a narcissist previously to him - my guy is a 360 degree opposite, thank God. Self-absorbed in his own crafting world at times, but never to the point of narcissism.
Mood swings were a salient feature in my wife which compelled us to go see a neurologist, leading to a diagnosis of Frontotemporal Dementia, FTD. I highly recommend that you convince him to see a neurologist sooner than later.
Good luck.
Perhaps he's just moody with you. The newness and excitement of the relationship has now turned into the mundane daily realities of life. Some people are simply not comfortable sharing that much of their space and their time with another.
Whatever the reason, if you don't like his behavior, it may be time to move on from this relationship. You can suggest he get therapy, and if he is willing, that may help, if you want to wait it out.
The glaring issue here is that you want to "fix" him. Your expectations of him do not match what he is giving you. It could be your own insecurities or personality disorder that is creating this "problem". In any case, no one should "endure" a relationship. It's time to move on.
We also don't live together. And yes, there are glaring differences between what he's giving and what I need. It's up to him to change that and up to me to decided what I will tolerate or not.