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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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Yes there are, I’ve seen a number of them post here, so hoping some will soon see your message and post. My mother had a completely devastating stroke a number of years ago that took away every ability. There was no alternative but nursing home care as she lost all physical abilities. My dad was a much healthier man then and we watched him spend every day, literally never missing, with her in the nursing home. He’d go home at night for dinner and come back to make sure she was tucked in and kiss her good night. He oversaw her care daily with love and devotion we were amazed by, and the staff was amazed as well. We know his care was a reason the staff also cared more and she got such good care. It’s a special thing to see a husband care for a wife. That said, I hope you’re not so stressed and worn out by this that you can’t care for yourself. You’re no good for your wife if you can’t take good care of yourself. There is likely a point in the journey where she may have to live where there is professional care for her, if so that’s okay, it then becomes caregiving in a different way for you. You’re then her advocate. Blessings to you as you walk this road, it’s so hard. Don’t be fearful to get more help when you need it
Yes. There are husbands here solely caring for their wife. By going through these posts, you will find them. My dad is the exhausted and drained primary caretaker for my mom at home. He will not come here so I guess that doesn't do you much good. This is a great community to participate in and I hope you find what you are looking for.
Yes I was. My wife, Luz, passed away yesterday morning. I did everything I could for her. And I mean everything. I not onlycooked for her I would feed her when necessary. I would hold her and talk to her. The subject did not matter, I would just talk to her. I would wash her, bathe her, change her underwear, wash her from top to her feet. Never got very good at doing anything for her hair but I would wash it. I put alarms on the doors. I kept pads under her for incontinence. I would do laundry two or three times a day. I cleaned the carpet at three in the morning when she would have an accident. It got so bad I would have to stand her up and hold her while I washed and dressed her. I brushed her teeth. I would comb her hair every morning. And so much more. Toward the end i would hire companions to be with her so I could do the shipping. That was difficult leaving her in the care of complete strangers but they turned out to be good ones. She only had one friend in the state but she was helping her disabled husband most of the time. If you can think of anything else I probably did it. I had to keep reminding myself that her actions were the result of that damned disease. If I or anyone else here can help you please ask. I can be a very long journey and we are here for you.
So sorry for your loss OS. From what ive read since i came here looking for advice when my mom was sick, you have been so tboughtful and caring to everyone here and to your wife. Please take time for you. That would be the best way to honor your wife. Again my thoughts are with you and im so sorry. Deb
Same as Old Sailor here, 11 years and counting, except I’m an old truck driver. Not only that I’m an old sailor too. Sailboat sailor. I nearly panic at the thought of putting her into AL. What would I do without her? If I give up it will be for a medical reason (either of us) or I just get too old, feeble and unable. The pleasure of her company is worth it all. When this happens you find out what love really is. For 47 years I’ve never tired of looking at her, hearing her voice or having her near me.
Wow..that's the most beautiful post I ever seen. I take care of my mum suffering end-stage Alzheimer's. Although she is incredibly difficult to care for and even has forgotten how to feed herself (and even swallowing is a chore), I have to concur.."the pleasure of her company is worth it all." And I truly never tire of looking at her, or having her near me. One only has one mum. I know painfully well when she dies I will never see her smile or hear her voice (she talks very very little but when she does it's precious).
Good question. Yes, I am one of them. It has been over ten years since the doctor said my wife had Alzheimer's. She was then only 64 years old. It has been a rough road to walk for both of us. Up until February 2018, she was home with me. We have two sons, out of state. So, I was and am her caretaker, though for a far these day, She in in a memory unit, The journey to that place is another story. We have been married since age 21, 53 years.
I visit the AL, memory care, just about every day. It is painful when I go and hurts when I leave, She wants to come with me. I wash her clothes and bed sheets. Good point, that staff care more if I am there often. Never thought, the 'golden years' would be like this. But, you have to adjust to what you are faced with. I am stressed and worn out. That is the reality of dealing with a loved one with this condition. Yes, I am still and always will be her advocate. Just, do your best for your wife! It is not your fault or hers.
I too am an old sailor, old cop, old man and full time caregiver to my wife of 58 years. She took care of me, our girls, our home, our everything for the first fifty two years while owning two small businesses. We are what we are because of her. We are in stage seven of ALZ and I now take care. of all her needs. Our kids and family live 1500 miles from us. The dark journey is just about six years and counting. We are still in love and I don’t want to leave her for a minute and do not know what to do when she passes. I am burnt out and sometimes depressed and will not listen to the kids nor doctors when they urge me to get help or place her in a facility. I am a Neanderthal, a thick Mick. A man still in love. I cannot nor will not abandon the love of my life. I sit here each morning and softly cry for her. Then she gets up and another difficult day faces us. So I say to you, love your spouse now, regardless the difficulty as she will soon be gone. I have said to the doctor and girls an old cliche; no surrender, no retreat. I love you Carol Ann and shall never abandon you. You have given so much to me and our family, that what I am giving is minute in comparison. I hear you stirring, about to get up. I will try my best today.
I think what you're doing is wonderful. The only thing I would add is that I hope you're also taking care of yourself, and I also hope you will be honest with yourself if there comes a point when her care needs outstrip your ability to handle them. I say this from sort-of personal experience: I'm a long-distance caregiver for a cousin with dementia, who is very dependent on a gentleman companion who lives in her facility. He's been taking her to doctor's appointments, handling her meds, running her errands, etc., and it's clear to both his sons and me that taking care of her gives his life meaning. Unfortunately, it's also clear that he's starting to have trouble handling it all -- he's running himself ragged, and also mixing up doctor's orders; recently she fell and he couldn't get her up -- but when I mention moving her to assisted living, he panics. His sons and I both feel that his need to care for her is so strong that he can't see she needs more help than she can provide, or that he can still have a big role in her life even if she is in assisted living. To repeat: I think what you're doing is wonderful, but if her care needs increase and you're finding it hard to meet them, please be honest with yourself, for both of your sakes.
JohnJack48; Hello! You are not alone my father took care of my mother until he got cancer my mother did not have Alzheimer's but he did everything for her she is handicapped and has conjestive heart failure. I have seen many couples this way PLEASEdo not push yourself too hard ....your wife would want you to take care of yourself your wife loves you!! Everyone is right you need to care for you. Alzheimer's is a horribul disease I have heard it is harder on the familys and caregivers than the person afflicted with the disease do not let this disease make you sick too.... I am careing for my Aunt with Alzheimer's & my Mom .My aunt is very difficult she is a little menace... auntie packs her wheelchair to go to NY shes always trying to escape, auntie kicks us ,bites, punches ,and screams a high pitched monotone blood curdling never ending scream just because you helped her transfer always screaming for help. So you see I know what careing for your wife consists of it is heartwrenching,to see these amazing people become child like completely dependent on us YOU ARE AN AMAZING LOVEING COMMITED husband but please take care of your health make sure you go to your dr appointments and ask for HELP LOOK FOR OUTSIDE HELP get out of the house get babysitters to watch her so you can just go out & away from the Alzheimer's disease and stay on this ageing care connect it really helps to vent and read others stories I send you hugs and prayers Good Luck to you !!
Yes, I too have been looking after my wife at home during the past eight years in the midst of Alzheimer's. It's great that you are so caring; and after 56 years of a beautiful marriage with 5 children and 14 grandchildren, I understand your love and care. However, do see that you need help to come in at times, rather than do everything yourself. In fact, the best way to keep your wife at home with you is to have help/companions come in, too.
Also, you can learn from this website and from other caregivers many tips about how to care better. As you will already have learned, Alzheimer's is progressive; and you need to learn how to deal with its progression. There are many technical aids that can be brought into the home--hospital beds, ceiling hoists, toilet aids--as well as advice from social workers, physiotherapists, doctors and nurses. Don't try to do everything yourself. Prayers and encouragement.
I applaud any husband or wife, for that manner, that cares for their spouse who has alzheimer's disease. We all expect that someday our parents may need extra care, but no necessarily your wife/husband. In some ways you are much closer to your wife. In my case, she taught me things about life that I never would have experienced without her. We traveled, we laughed, danced, she helped raise our two kids that she wasn't the biological mother, we love dogs, and we moved to Florida to enjoy life. All of a sudden, a year ago, she often didn't recognize me. She would go over to the neighbors and ask to get this man out of her house. This would happen almost daily. I did everything at home, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, outside work, etc. It was a full time job caring for her. I couldn't leave her, even to go into the grocery store for five minutes. She would be outside roaming the parking lot. So, when I needed to run errands, twice a week, I would have a service come to be with her. They were very nice, and very helpful for my well being. It became more difficult to care for her, as she didn't always recognize me. It became impossible for me to give her a shower. We moved up to Atlanta to be nearer my daughter. After 4 months of being here, she started going to the neighbors again asking to have that guy removed. One of the neighbors even called the police, thinking that there was some sort of domestic issue going on. She also started hitting me. That's when I knew what I had to do. Well, after 9 months of taking care of her, I finally had to place her into a Memory Care Facility. It was the worst day of my life. I go in to visit her every day. It was really hard at first, I would leave in tears. But, after five months, I know she is well taken care of, and she is in a good place. I don't know how often she recognizes me, but she often tells me she loves me.
Take care of each other, you never know when it is going to be the end of your world together.
I am sole caregiver for my wife of 52 years, she having 15 years with Parkinson’s and Lewy body dementia for the last 2 years. She can not stand. I do all showers, dressing, washing, shopping and the cooking which (the cooking) I actually enjoy. Periodically I explode, yelling at her when she cannot make the transfer from toilet to wheelchair with my assistance. I am good for about 7 days and then under my breathe, sometimes not so under, I hear myself saying “I have no life.” I can destroy an entire day of good work, a shower, dressing, two loads of wash, three meals on a tray....with just a 60 second outburst of nasty words. Then depression of course. We both believe in suicide.
What do you mean? You both believe in suicide.....what does that mean? I know this is none of my business but please talk with someone. If your sad, I know you can reach for some help. Call the Alzheimer's Association. They have a helpline with some really good people that can help you. You won't feel so overwhelmed or angry bc they listen without any judgement. I battle depression every day. But I always "keep moving forward". That mantra has kept me going. I hope things get better for you. Feel free to holler if you need to vent. We're here for ya!
My brother-in-law is the sole caregiver to my sister-in-law, an Alzheimer's patient. It is difficult, especially since he has a few health problems as well. Eight YEARS - you may need respite. Try to find some - at her elder case worker in town or social worker on staff if available.
Im the sole caregiver of my hub. No friends, no family. His family checked out completely. My family all dead and gone. You will get LONELY. You will feel anxiety. You WILL get angry and yell at your loved one. LOUDLY. You know your are yelling at an illness but it happens. I think it HAS to happen from time to time to remain sane. You will cry. In the shower, in your room, you will be numb and go through all the motions of caring and then seeing a movie or video or just something that they do will have you in tears. (Example-other day I told my DH to MOVE FASTER and then GET OUT OF MY WAY I CAN DO ALL THIS (that i needed 5 hands for) MYSELF JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY. And he said very honestly...I am doing as best I can. And that was the truth. He was trying in his way. Had a good cry later about that one. Some days more often than not you will just want to pack your stuff and leave and get on with YOUR life. You will spend half your time on the phone yelling at doctors or doing it to their face. You will find that most hired home health people are dumb as a box of rocks and mostly want to either steal from your home or sit on a chair and have a text party with their friends and social media. You will want a week ALONE and ALL TO YOURSELF. Then you will want a year. YOU WILL WANT NORMAL AGAIN. Your sleep will be crazy-(this is why I am posting at 5 am and getting ready to go to BED) UGH Social Services/Medicaid all that is for the BIRDS, they talk a good game but are useless. And depending on their condition, if you did have freinds, you will find out that they weren't really friends and they are long gone. Then you will do what I am doing now and start looking for a roomy! YES- there are many of us tucked away, doing our best, lonely and slowly feeling like we are going mad! :)
Have been taking care of my wife for almost 7 years now. She can not stand up or walk so I move her with a Patient Lift (Hoyer). Fortunately I have a long term care insurance policy that lets me bring in a Home Health Aid, 5 days a week, from 5PM to 8PM. i can get out each day for a short time to take car of shopping, Etc, Etc.. It's frustrating at times to have her do things, but I try to bite my tongue and move along. Fortunately my wife is about 95% aware of what is going on and is reasonably sharp for 85 years of age.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I put alarms on the doors. I kept pads under her for incontinence. I would do laundry two or three times a day. I cleaned the carpet at three in the morning when she would have an accident. It got so bad I would have to stand her up and hold her while I washed and dressed her. I brushed her teeth. I would comb her hair every morning. And so much more. Toward the end i would hire companions to be with her so I could do the shipping. That was difficult leaving her in the care of complete strangers but they turned out to be good ones.
She only had one friend in the state but she was helping her disabled husband most of the time.
If you can think of anything else I probably did it. I had to keep reminding myself that her actions were the result of that damned disease.
If I or anyone else here can help you please ask. I can be a very long journey and we are here for you.
I visit the AL, memory care, just about every day. It is painful when I go and hurts when I leave, She wants to come with me. I wash her clothes and bed sheets. Good point, that staff care more if I am there often. Never thought, the 'golden years' would be like this. But, you have to adjust to what you are faced with. I am stressed and worn out. That is the reality of dealing with a loved one with this condition. Yes, I am still and always will be her advocate. Just, do your best for your wife! It is not your fault or hers.
Also, you can learn from this website and from other caregivers many tips about how to care better. As you will already have learned, Alzheimer's is progressive; and you need to learn how to deal with its progression. There are many technical aids that can be brought into the home--hospital beds, ceiling hoists, toilet aids--as well as advice from social workers, physiotherapists, doctors and nurses. Don't try to do everything yourself. Prayers and encouragement.
We all expect that someday our parents may need extra care, but no necessarily your wife/husband. In some ways you are much closer to your wife. In my case, she taught me things about life that I never would have experienced without her. We traveled, we laughed, danced, she helped raise our two kids that she wasn't the biological mother, we love dogs, and we moved to Florida to enjoy life.
All of a sudden, a year ago, she often didn't recognize me. She would go over to the neighbors and ask to get this man out of her house. This would happen almost daily. I did everything at home, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, outside work, etc. It was a full time job caring for her. I couldn't leave her, even to go into the grocery store for five minutes. She would be outside roaming the parking lot. So, when I needed to run errands, twice a week, I would have a service come to be with her. They were very nice, and very helpful for my well being.
It became more difficult to care for her, as she didn't always recognize me. It became impossible for me to give her a shower.
We moved up to Atlanta to be nearer my daughter. After 4 months of being here, she started going to the neighbors again asking to have that guy removed. One of the neighbors even called the police, thinking that there was some sort of domestic issue going on. She also started hitting me. That's when I knew what I had to do.
Well, after 9 months of taking care of her, I finally had to place her into a Memory Care Facility. It was the worst day of my life.
I go in to visit her every day. It was really hard at first, I would leave in tears. But, after five months, I know she is well taken care of, and she is in a good place. I don't know how often she recognizes me, but she often tells me she loves me.
Take care of each other, you never know when it is going to be the end of your world together.
You will get LONELY.
You will feel anxiety.
You WILL get angry and yell at your loved one. LOUDLY. You know your are yelling at an illness but it happens. I think it HAS to happen from time to time to remain sane.
You will cry. In the shower, in your room, you will be numb and go through all the motions of caring and then seeing a movie or video or just something that they do will have you in tears.
(Example-other day I told my DH to MOVE FASTER and then GET OUT OF MY WAY I CAN DO ALL THIS (that i needed 5 hands for) MYSELF JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY. And he said very honestly...I am doing as best I can. And that was the truth. He was trying in his way. Had a good cry later about that one.
Some days more often than not you will just want to pack your stuff and leave and get on with YOUR life.
You will spend half your time on the phone yelling at doctors or doing it to their face.
You will find that most hired home health people are dumb as a box of rocks and mostly want to either steal from your home or sit on a chair and have a text party with their friends and social media.
You will want a week ALONE and ALL TO YOURSELF. Then you will want a year. YOU WILL WANT NORMAL AGAIN.
Your sleep will be crazy-(this is why I am posting at 5 am and getting ready to go to BED) UGH
Social Services/Medicaid all that is for the BIRDS, they talk a good game but are useless.
And depending on their condition, if you did have freinds, you will find out that they weren't really friends and they are long gone.
Then you will do what I am doing now and start looking for a roomy!
YES- there are many of us tucked away, doing our best, lonely and slowly feeling like we are going mad! :)