Angry at having to care for my mother, even in nursing home... is this normal?

Their Daughter and Sparkling Blue... Just want you to know that I appreciate your posts. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. As for manipulative parents, here's one... My mom insisted she feels well enough to drive to the dentist for her routine cleaning. It is very close to her home and she toodled over there. The dentist is new (her 80 yr old prior dentist passed away, sadly). The new dentist got to talking with my mom, her new patient. They made a date for next week for the new dentist to take my mom to an assisted care facility that is over an hour away from where mom lives and that would be 2 hours away from any other relative!!! I was stunned. First the dentist is WAY out of line, but I'm sure my mom had something to do with it. Mom insists she wants to live independently in her own home, but she probably told the dentist that she is "alone". Probably no mention of me there every day, or the additional help we have hired for her companionship, not to mention driving most of the time. So, my reaction, when mom told me this was to say I'd arrange for her to interview more companionship, would take her to local elder care facilities (did I mention that her eye doc wants her to get an IPad, even though she won't check email?) My brother, who lives in another country constantly reminds me that mom is the master manipulator. She set up the appointment with the dentist!! (unbelievably) and the reaction she got from me was to ramp up my attention and ask her what other multitude of things I could do for her and arrange for her... I love mom, am happy to be able to help and to be there for her, but every once in a while everyone around me points out to me how I've been snickered into giving up a life for a woman who is generally happy and dynamic, but periodically and naturally scared to be alone, which by the way she aways says that she prefers.... It's my blessing and my challenge. This is just a very long winded way of saying I felt more normal when you referenced manipulation... perhaps now is the time for mom and me to take a closer look at assisted living, before the slippery slope gets slipperier....

Rovana, I have been very sick this week. My mother has had to have other transport. The Hospice word is not even allowed to be mentioned...I tried with epic failure.

Alex

Sparklingblue----You ARE doing the right thing by placing your mother. You've went above and beyond what you should have given the way she has treated YOU....Do not listen to your siblings. They do not KNOW what caregiving to someone who didn't even want you as a child is like! Get YOUR life back now before it is too late!!!! I'll be praying for you. Oh...and if your siblings call boo hooing again...tell them that THEY can come and get her to live with THEM.

Alex, I have a mom who is 90 who has demintisha, I have been taking care of her since 2007 I am the youngest of 3, my sister and brother live 3 hours away, since I am the closest I am the one who has been taking care of her since my stepdad pasted away in Oct of 2006, I moved her in with me a year ago, my mother has never been in my life, and has never been one to show any affection, in fact I was told that I was an unwanted child, I to am getting really angry and resentful. I do not like the person that I seem to be turning into, which a very unhappy miserable person, I had called my sister and brother to let them know that I can no longer do this, and that I was looking into somewhere to put her, which I had found a wonderful retirement/assistant living, my mother also has a dog, and she could take her dog with her, cause I know with out her dog, she would go down hill just that much faster, I got a call from my brother boo hooing not wanting me to put her in a home, I told him It wasnt a home, sent him the link to the website so he could check it out, then my sister called crying and boo hooing wanting the same thing, (The thing about my siblings is my mother has 86,000.00 dollars in her savings which is a POD account) so you can imagine that this is all that they are thinking of is the money, I get paid weekly from her checking account 300.00 a week, 200.00 is for housing, food, and 100.00 is for care taking service. When my sister called me, she begged for me to keep my mother, and to give my self a raise, which would only be an additional 100.00.. But I am asking my self why am I doing this,, I have done and done for her, and all my other family member's, My children are grown and gone, I feel like it is my turn to have a life, and enjoy it, I hope that I have made some sense threw all this, I have so much bottled up, that I find myself rambling, I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not alone.... many prayers go out to you...

What was my original advice? I think I might have sounded a bit smug, feeling like I was handling things so well! I apologize. Well, the entire thing is probably a learning process on how to do the best you can for your parents and keep your sanity.

The latest for me was after spending a lot of time in the ER with my dad because of his not eating or drinking enough and some drug interactions I thought we finally had things under control. Then he started calling me yesterday afternoon. I had already spent the morning with him at the doctor's office and found out that he still wasn't getting enough fluids or food! So, I took him to breakfast and got hold of the dietician to work with him.

One message was he wanted his checkbook so he could pay some bills (I've been helping him with that) and the last message was he wanted me to call because he was having a problem. I decided to call the AL facility and ask them to check on him because he needs to learn to ask them for help and, frankly, I need a break.

So, this afternoon he pulls into my driveway with a friend and wants to talk to me! Of course, he wanted his checkbook, but he also wanted his car a couple of days a week so he could run errands. I looked at him and said "no." I was irritated and at one point told him I didn't mean to be disrespectful, but it wasn't safe for him to drive and it would be unfair to other people.

What amazes me is how manipulative and creative he is! I really am worn out, but I realize that this is nothing new in a lot of ways. What I see in both my parents is that they are having cognitive problems, but the way they are behaving as individuals now seems to be based to a large extent on how they always were. My mom is stubborn, but mostly happy and is actually doing better now that she's in AL. My dad is manipulative and nothing seems to satisfy him. It's all about him.

Being a caregiver to an elderly parent does not end with their entry to a NH or ALF. They will continue to need your help. It will allow the child of an elderly parent to have much more freedom than those who are primary caregivers keeping the parent in their home or the child's home. At an ALF or NH you have skilled nursing staff (plural) taking care of your elderly parent.

Elizabeth

Alex, Could hospice help get your mom to her radiation treatments? My experience with them was very good - they were very professional and helpful. Take care of yourself - there is not much you can do to change your mother's circumstances and I think ultimately our happiness is up to us - doesn't work to think in terms of demanding this and that from anyone else.

Alexandra, yes - being angry at having to care for your mom is normal. My 93 y.o. mom is in a nursing home too & I go threetimes/wk for about an hour but even that's exhausting - from dealing with admin to listening to mom repeat the same story 5 times - sometimes it gets too much to handle. mom has mild dementia but is coherent & is aware. I attend caregiver coffee breaks sponsored by Hospice tohelp me.

I was reading this post and answers, and I'm searching my soul for something helpful to say. I, too, make myself "too available." However, through work in therapy, I have made progress in setting boundaries for myself. First, I only do things that my mom really cannot do for herself. Otherwise, I wait and give her a chance to work it out. Second, I help her do errands and chores two afternoons a week. I told her this allows me to structure my own time better and she can count on me to do whatever she wants done (but on my schedule, not hers). Personally, I think parents are just used to giving the orders, and the less able they become, the harder they try to control their lives by manipulating others. I've come to believe that it's some kind of survival mechanism. I, on the other hand, never make my son feel guilty or responsible for my happiness. I did not adopt a child to become my caretaker down the road. I just hope that he will love me as I move gracefully into old age! My one suggestion would be to look into hiring an elder care manager to advise/help you. I used one, and she was tremendously helpful and caring. She gave me the courage to take care of myself as well as help Mom navigate her life.

Guilt is a caregiver's worst enemy. Most of us have nothing to feel guilty about. Of course we are all going to have varying times of resentment but unless it is leading to bad judgements there is no reason to feel guilty about it. Get to a support group and vent at the very least. Letting off steam is incredibly helpful. Believe me!

I'm glad you have a husband to help. I've never had anyone. I feel your frustration but glad you have hubby. Imagine having to do it all alone with no help from anyone.

janet she is not eligible for chemotherapy she is radiation patient only it's palliative. cancer is very severe she looks better than she has in 10 weeks, but I know for a fact it may not last. blessedly her sister is out your visiting from North Carolina what is giving me a 3 day break .

Okay, I've been feeing really overwhelmed and angry with my dad lately, too. Both of my parents are nice people, but my dad has been manipulating me for years. It's nothing compared to some of the things I've been reading, but it's still upsetting and frustrating.

My husband and I just spent most of our weekend hanging out in the ER. My mom has dementia and my dad has been suffering from shingles since July. They were living in a retirement community until my dad had a bad fall and ended up in the hospital so we were lucky that they already had a room in a very nice AL facility.

I thought getting them into AL was going to be wonderful. I was happy that they were getting help and that I wouldn't have to worry about them constantly. But, I wasn't prepared for the adjustment and I also wasn't prepared for my dad to actually get worse.

They've been there almost a month now and, frankly, I'm exhausted. It's probably partly my own fault because I've made myself too available. But my husband and I are also in the process of trying to get their condo sold, taking over their bills, etc. It's hard enough to keep up with our own lives and now it feels like we're doing double duty and, yes, I resent it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. I want them to be happy and I don't mind helping them, but right now they are wearing me out. I'm running interference on doctors and medication, and I'm discovering that our healthcare system is a mess! And, now I fear for what will happen to my husband and me because we don't have children and even if we did, I would not want to put them through this!

The cancer society has Road to Recovery. It is transportation to chemo treatments. I volunteer to drive people myself. Check into this great service!

You are feeling just like all of us...it is normal! I was "forced" to bring my Mom back to my state after my sister had had too much! At first, I was resentful but with boundaries all is better. I call my Mom almost daily but don't feel I have to be there everyday. I visit about 2 times a week depending on what is needed. She is living in an independent retirement home. She gets two meals a day in dining room and eats her breakfast in apartment. My Mom does need me to take her to doctor's appointments and pick things up for her breakfast. I am working part-time so I usually have something that is mine! You must have activities that you enjoy without your parent. We also bring my Mom over once a week for dinner. We choose according to our activities. It does get better but you have to have time for you or you will burnout! I am trying to let Mom do as much as she can at 91+ because more care may be needed down the road. Good Luck!

This site has helped me. I, too, feel the same. My mother is liing with me. I am with her 24/7 almost everyday. I am responsible for all her needs. There is no such thing as gratitude, compliments or kind words. However, I do what I have to. I don't want to have these feelingvs and often feel guilty because I do. I hear you and empathize with you. Every morning I just pray, "Lord help me to make it through another day".

LOL...you're funny Sooozi. I know about the repetition going one way as well. Mom has recently stopped repeating. She is in the last stage now. Her words do not make any sense at all. She can't state a complete sentence..it's more like jumble, mumble. I think in her mind, she is making sense but to others, she makes no sense whatsoever. I'm glad the repeating has stopped finally. She began repeating in her early 40's. I remember how mad and hateful she would get when I'd say, "Mom, you've told me this story several times...back when she was in her FORTIES. She would just say, "NO, I have not!!!" and tell the same old story again for the 200th time..and it always took at least an hour for her to tell it. Even then, she would "forget" what she was talking about...losing her train of thought numerous times during that hour. It was SO hard to be around her. Life always revolved around her and NOBODY else. Her behaviors back then alienated her brothers, sisters, kids, grandkids..everyone. Nobody went to visit her. I didn't want to either but her brother would call me and tell me what mom was doing now and that I need to get over there and help her. SO HARD when she has always been so negative and abusive to me as a kid, teen and adult. Thankful the repeating has finally stopped..now it's trying to "act" like I understand what her mumble, jumble means. I dont' think she has much longer.

Repetition is interesting. My mom has told the same stories 100s of times, or more. When I repeat myself twice, because I think she isn't understanding something or because I'm trying to discuss finding a solution to an issue she cuts me off and tells me not to repeat myself... I know we are blessed to have her, but it can get upsetting. I am also trying to figure out why I'm angry, exhausted and noticing my life falling apart, while caring for mom as my top priority. Just sharing the observation that repetition seems to go one way in my family.... oops, I just repeated myself. Sorry about that!

People, notice that Lizann specified "If you have a loving relationship" and you are close by. Yes, it is a duty but not if you are hurting yourself or your parent(s) hurt you. In fact some people did live long lives but that is not the issue. In olden times people also aged faster. In any case, in those times families were extended with everyone helping everyone else. Do you owe a duty to parents who did poorly by you? No. Does duty mean that you have to ruin your own health? No. But if you are dealing with someone with dementia you can't expect rational behavior, either.

As for bathing - the reasons many elderly stop is because they are afraid of falling, of water, of any numerable things that didn't bother them before. Also, like small children, may not realize they need to bathe. I tell my mother, for example, that she is having a spa day. That works well. I also have a chair in the shower and special bars for her to hold onto.

When dealing with a sick person, especially one with dementia but any ill person really, remember that it is not about you. It is about that person. My nephew (15) has dreads. My mother thinks he's wearing an ugly hat. When she does realize it's his hair she tells him its ugly. Except when he's dressed up. Then his hair looks ok. We all laugh at this. She has moderate to severe Alzheimers and even if she doesn't like what someone's wearing, or their hair or whatever, she isn't mean about it, just states her like or dislike. She has the same filter as a four year old. Which is to say, no filter at all. She isn't being mean. She's simply making her thought known.

As for repetition, remember that a person with even mild dementia will forget things. sometimes this includes things that were said only moments ago.

Finally, if a person is mean, has always been mean or abusive or manipulative then, of course, you don't have to put yourself in their reach. But if the person was loving and giving to the best of her/his ability (no one is a perfect parent, ever), then, yes, find a way to dismiss the negatives or recover from them. Support groups help. You are a caregiver even if your parent is in a facility if you are in any way involved in the parent's life. You deserve a break. If it gets to be too much then you need to find a way to step back. A healthy way.

Good luck.

Thank you Emjo & Their daughter. My spouse went with me to the Psych. He is unhappy right now but supporting me. I do have just a few meds I take. My issues have gotten worse with her being her as I lost a job I like which compounded my economic woes. That in turn spilled over to the anger in having to constantsly drive her to therapy( her car, since I have mentioned my van needs repairs and will get done first part of Oct) I had been driving her car for transport as she has held THAT over my head. She cannot drive anyway. I have never had this much contact in 20 years so my BPD was still there, but we were not butting up against each other daily so we " managed". I do read my Dialectical Behavior books and really try to work on MY BEHAVIOR. She lives in her own world. She us dying and does not see it, denies it. I have tried to get Hospice help so she has more people in her life, but she wants "no strangers". Mum puts up roadblock after roadblock. Hard for me. She thinks she is just a " simple person, with simple tastes". She IS smart, problem is she is narcissistic. All she wanted to talk about with my best friend yesterday day was make up...Omg mother is so looks focused, it drove ne away. I were no make
Up and feign ignorant about it and hair. I like what I like and sick of her putting it down so I play dumb.

It is really sad...I went to bed in tears yesterday. I tried to be nice having her here. It backfired on me.

mom is happy in the nursing home..no complaints, sleeps well, maintaining weight
has made friends, does not ask to go home or go with us when we visit.Much
different from the grouchy, critical, sarcastic, cold dementia patient she was when
cared for at home...I think she wanted to be out of the situation where so many were falling all over themselves trying to help and comfort her...she did not and
still does not know who we are . My problem is my sister who cannot be pleased
by anything nh does.." no sweater on mom", "clothes don't match", hair looks terrible she says, bedroom shoes in the afternoon ( mom in wheelchair ) who
cares about what shoes...mom wet, shirt missing, staff not receptive to requests
for this and that to be done or not done...we have all talked to her over and over
but no way to please her...also brother who "just can't stand seeing her there",
one sister who feels mom does not know who she is so why go. My philosophy
is she may not remember US but we remember HER. Feeling overwhelmed and
surprised by some of the attitudes of family and grandchildren (who were taken
to the beach, mountains, games, vacations,etc.) but now have no time for her.

Joan is right. Remember the last line.

alexandra - no need to apologise for your feelings. Yes, you have put up with much mental abuse. So do what you have to do to look after yourself. Your mother did not parent you well - you have to learn to parent yourself. I have had to cut of communication with my mother at times - the longest was for a year, otherwise I have done it for a few months at a time. She was only diagnosed a few years ago aged 96. I had diagnosed her unofficially many years before. My sister has a similar condition, but not acknowledged or diagnosed; however, the destructive behaviours are there. I give myself breaks to give myself time for healin., as I could not heal while being on the receiving end of continual abuse. Do you also have some feelings of anger regarding inheriting this condition? I think in your shoes I would. Protect yourself, and work on your issues and healing. I haven't seen mother since May, and if she dies before I could see her again, I would have no guilt. I have put up with so much garbage over the years... I understand.
jeanne gibbs has mentoined Pauline Boss, a psychologist, who recommends that those who have been abused by a parent do not do any hands on caregiving, but oversee it at arm's length. This is pretty well what I have arrived at.

Quote "Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for not being a caregiver... Other people can do the hands on work ...Your goal is to be humane, but also to prevent yourself from being hurt further." This is from "Loving Someone Who has Dementia", pp163,164, by Pauline Boss PhD.

Remember the last line - to prevent yourself from being hurt further.
Love and hugs I so understand. Joan

I'm always amazed at the relationships I read about here between children and parents. My parents are really nice, but even I get upset and angry at times! My mom had dementia and I feel like I'm dealing with a child most of time, it's exhausting! My dad recently came down with shingles, had a bad fall, and my husband and I just got both of them into assisted living. He's a nice guy and he's driving me nuts!

BUT, I also realize that I'm letting him do that. And every time I read something like what I'm reading here I find myself thinking that "we as their children are our own worst enemies." Relationships with parents and siblings are a choice. We allow ourselves to get sucked in and feel guilty and enable the very behavior we find so appalling.

I love my parents and I want the best for them, but they are not going to use me up in the process. I turned 60 this year and time goes by way too fast for me to give up the time I have left to enjoy with my husband and friends in order to appease my guilt over not asking how high every time my dad asks me to jump.

I'm not an only child and my brothers are both willing to help, but they don't live nearby so my husband and I make the major decisions and there is no arguing. I'm fortunate in that way because I realize siblings can be a problem.

I know it is always easier to tell someone else what to do and I suppose I'm going to sound kind of harsh so I do apologize for that. However, this is YOUR life, too. It may be the only life you ever have (unless you are absolutely certain there is something after this). No matter what, it's a gift if you allow it to be. I think it's okay to feel overwhelmed an unsure for a while, but eventually you have to move on and find a way to deal with it. If your parent is manipulative and upset because you aren't following their rules, then so be it. If you are in therapy, then really work with your therapist and give yourself a break! If you aren't in therapy, then find a way to do so. Maybe even talk to your pastor or priest, if you have one. Do SOMETHING for yourself or accept the fact that you are going to feel guilty and be manipulated until one of you dies! Seriously, he/she might just outlast you at this rate.

Ohhhh Alex((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) you have BPD yourself, and are working on it. You have my greatest admiration. You are the first person I have"met", albeit on line, who has that condition, admits it, and is trying to do something about it. I believe it can be inherited too as there are a number of people with this condition, or, similar in my mother's family, while the others are as normal as apple pie. I know she struggles with emotions, anger, anxiety, trust etc, and that spills out in her relationships, and makes life harder for all of us. She does not acknowledge her illness. I thank God every day that I do not have that condition. It sounds like it makes it harder for you to set boundaries with your mum, and deal with her emotions, yet, from my experience, that is what is needed. Will she be happy - no! Will she bitch, yes! Can she adjust to you doing things your way and not hers - to a degree, I think she can. You can tell her that you can't do whatever it is anymore - no explanations or justifications are needed, - or, simply do what works for you and - set a limit. Tell her that this is what you can do, (you don't have to explain yourself )and if she complains when you come you will not stay - and then walk away if she complains. For example, restrict your vists to a couple of times a week. Arrange other transpoprtation for some of the days of the week. Practice what you will say to her in the mirror before you see her if need be, You know how she is going to react, plan how you are going to respond. If your doc has given you any meds, use them. I am thinking antidepressants and /or anti anxiety here (occasional use) I may be off the wall here - whatever you doc recommends. I always felt mother would benefit from those. You have all the more reason to take special care of you with a family and marriage to manage, and your mum. Please take at least some small steps to take the pressure off you. Your needs are as important as hers. Your mum will likely be unhappy for a while, but you should not be sacrificing yourself to her condition. You need to focus more on you and your family, How far away your mother is should not determine how often you visit her. If my mother was 20 minutes away, I would not want to see her more often, and would have to set some firm limits according to what I could manage. I saw a counsellor yesterday on related issues, as the issues from childhood with a BPD mom who refused to accept any responsibility for her condition, are still with me, though not as bad as they were, and she (the counsellor) agreed that I will be dealing with these issues the rest of my life. You have a double whammy of a BPD mom, and being BPD yourself ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))).

Lizann - if you were not brought up by a mother with a personality disorder you have no idea what you are talking about, and pressuring alex to do. In any case, she is not saying she wants to ignore her mother, but that seeing her is very stressful. Reducng the number of visits is totally reasonable and acceptable.

lillian41 and teachergear Right on!

alex - look after you - your marriage relationship, your children and then your mother - in that order and let us know how you are doing!

Lizann, she technically does not live locally, and she has undiagnosed BPD. I have it from her and she makes my life hell. I just hate her. I am sorry, but I put up with so much mental abuse for so long...

Our ancestors rarely had to care for an elder. People didn't live to be as old as they are now back then.

Lizann---HOW could you say that? Lillian 41 is right and sorry to rain on your parade but, you are wrong! You should NEVER tell someone it is his/her DUTY. It sounds like you may NOT have a parent in a NH. DO YOU?? I find it hard to believe you have lived through these experiences that we have and do each day. Otherwise, you would NOT say what you did above. An apology is in order.
Parent/child relationship dynamics----think about that for a minute. You do not know how that dynamic "plays out". Every parent/child relationship is different. Some are VERY BAD, some, not so bad and some okay. It is NOT our DUTY to make ourselves sick, to be abused yet another day by an abusive or narcissistic parent, to be drained with "wants" not "needs" until the life is sucked out of us and we no longer care about life or death We are here to HELP each other..not make others feel ashamed, guilty or any other negative feeling.

I feel bad for all you are dealing with, I know it is hard. I have both parents in a nursing home, they share a room there, they both have dementia dad is worse than mom. I live 5 minutes away and could visit every day but I don't. I would go crazy if I did. I love my parents dearly and know they are being taken care of, my mom has been in and out of the hospital since june 12, she is there now, this is the first day this week that I am not going to go see her. I have worked all week and done the best i can to care for my husband and son. I called this morning to check on her and she was fine, they know me at the hospital and know how to call me if anything changes. I said all that to say that I will not feel guilty for not going today. She doesn't expect me to come everyday the nurse tells her when I call and she says that's fine. It is ok for you to NOT go everyday. She will be ok. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. As far as the comment made by Lizann...it is NOT a duty for children to make themselves mentally or physically sick in order to care for aging sick parents. It is a duty for children to make sure their parents are taken care of, in NH or AL or in their own home as long as we do that then we have done what is required. We are suppose to support and encourage each other and if we have dealt with something ourself offer advice or help but not make each other feel bad for ANY decision they make even if we disagree. As far as what our ancestors did, they didn't have the illnesses and mental issues like today back then so there was a lot less to take care of, think about it. Alexandrakl...take care of yourself, your family and then your mom. Keep us posted, oh yea, dealt with hospice with my dad since he has been in the nursing home, he didn't want it either, but he took it cause I didn't give him a choice, he "graduated" from hospice and is better since they helped him.

I am sorry but if you live locally and have a loving relationship with your parent it is not --I repeat not - unreasonable to expect a visit or phone call daily. Yes it is difficult but such is life. If you have been blessed with reasonable help, do what in your heart you know you should do--visit an elderly parent who is trapped in an ALF or NH. When you get stuck in such a position do you really --honest to God--really want to be ignored?? I think not. Sometimes we need to put the elderly parent first. Do family values not extend to caring to elderly family members? What do we think our ancestors did with their elderly before NH and ALF--answer they took care of them within the family structure. It has never been and will never be easy. It is what it is--an duty.

Elizabeth