I was a caregiver for my grandma. I was supposed to move in and just keep an eye on her. My grandmother was too cheap and didn't want to hire a caregiver and that was not communicated to me. They just keep on saying that they can't find one. They know I have a timid personality and know how to intimidate me and treat bad into making me feel guilty. Fast forward a month they started to make me do more than caregiving duties and I had to pay rent. It wasn't as high as the bills that I had, but I still loved my home. I was just supposed to stay at night and I was promised that I will be relieved. The first time I was relieved was to help out my sister and that was hard work and I was kept all day. I told them in the beginning we had this trip planned and they were okay with it. They were aggressive and told me to cancel the trip like I had no choice. My grandmother would criticize me no matter how hard I worked and she and the family would talk about me being lazy and needs to do more like I wasn't there. I had mow, garden, fix things. Days I was promised to be relieved I would be ready to leave and grandma would say that she would have to get in the chair and fix the ceiling fan herself even though my family was there to help and I had no idea it was getting fixed. I told her that I was going to finally take a day for myself because my mother promised me I could. My siblings and other family members were there but it wasn't expected of them to help. I am working overtime hours and a caregiver. My siblings would listen to my grandma complaining and would attack me and I would defend myself and they said they didn't want the drama but I told them then don't attack based on her over exaggeration since they're always saying they know how grandma is then don't listen. They told that they didn't think I would be such a baby about. I also told them if they really feel like the closet needs to be reorganized then they can do it themselves since they are allowed straight sleep and go home to their own lives. My grandmother would not be happy now matter how much I sweat for her and I had no one to talk to because no one wanted to hear it. She even made false accusations of elder abuse and her arm would bruise up so easily and my sister would question me about it so I left and told them they can do it if the think it's so easy. My family tried to beg me back and say they realize how hard it is and how mean grandma is even though they were splitting up the duties between four people. They hired a caregiver a week after I left and even someone to mow the lawn.
Fast forward a few months, my sister scared away two caregivers. She tried to scam away the house but was easily forgiven. She doesn't have to work hard as I did and she gets paid to so it. She was getting praised by the family friend who bullied me when I was doing it. She didn't want another caregiver because she wants to get paid more and stay there. My grandmother still gets the bruises on her arms but it's not my sister's fault but she tried to get the second caregiver for abuse over them.
I have been coming over more but my sister tries to call me out to stay with grandma all the time and help but I do not feel comfortable being alone with her. My sister keeps on setting these appointments and tries to call me out to watch so she can go but she rescheduled them when I don't say yes. It makes me uncomfortable because I barely feel comfortable going over there to visit. She also says I will have to step up more soon when she takes her kids to school
I want to tell her she knows when she has to be at grandma's because it's the same every week so she should set her appointments accordingly and if she can't meet her duties then they need to go back to hiring a caregiver because I don't feel comfortable doing it. Am I right to say that?
If Grandma is legally competent then it's her choice really to have this sister if she chooses. Just like it was your sister's choice to have her children. Just like it's your choice to have other life priorities that you prioritize beyond trying to fix other people's problems for them for free and while they're being mean to you.
I have to keep being strong and tell them no. The main reason I moved in because my grandma was lonely and she was good then she had the stroke. I don’t know if the stroke made her so mean but the family wants to kiss her butt because they would react to every complaint. I was so hurt when my other grandma who was so sweet died but I couldn’t be sad because I had to be a caregiver and was forced to go to work after the funeral.
I always asked myself what is wrong with me that they treat me so horrible. I was kept up every hour because my grandma wanted to chug so much liquids before bed on purpose and she would get the family to give her laxative even though she already had explosive diarrhea. She even accused me of keeping her from pooping to a nurse which was saw as elder abuse. I asked the nurse how am I keeping her when she has explosive diarrhea and she takes laxatives even though she is pooping. My family attacked me for confronting my grandma for almost putting me in jail and I felt I was being punished for being a caregiver. I would be up all night and was expected to garden everyday because my mom’s friend instigated it and they waited till I got home for work to decide that she wants this done. They fired then lawnmower guy and yelled at me if there was a single weed. Now he is rehired since my sister started.
I was expected to be the host for holidays and they left without cleaning. Now that my sister is doing it everyone must pitch in and my moms friend tries to call me out to get up and clean on my birthday to clean up when we were still celebrating and there were many other people there.
I try to picture in my head everyone apologizing to help me feel better since I can’t afford therapy. I thought I wish my sister would get the same treatment but I feel sorry for her when my grandma treats her 1/8 as bad.
with my sister it was like my grandma and mom’s friend will tell us we need to help more. Yes, she had these extra tasks but my sis didn’t have to do it. When I was caregiver working overtime hours it was I need to do more for my grandma when I was already doing so much more than my sister has to do but it wasn’t good enough. They literally slid their finger on the shelf and yell at me over a spec of dust. My mom used to be nice to me and stand up for me until her bully friend told her that my grandma will die if she die feel like she being listen to _so I became more of a prisoner and had to leave and the guilt hurts so much.
my sister gets two days off a week, something I was promised when I started but my grandma hates that idea for ME: yet she complains because she has kids and has to raise her family which her husband’s aunts had always done for her anyways. I tell her I didn’t feel sorry for her because they had a caregiver but she wanted to drive them away and fire her. My grandma gets these bruises easily and I was being accused of abuse but now it’s not abuse when they are worse with my sister.
I found out they were just going to kick me out on the streets per my grandmas request when she died because they were telling me I could stay there a little longer until I got my own place when my grandma died if I was to come back and be caregiver again with promises of two days off, etc. my grandma wants to give my sister the house.
when I go over there my grandma just praises my sis about how well she does and how hard she does along with my mom’s friend praising her. It’s like we need to help more. With me it was my grandma and friend insulting me with guest in front me like I am invisible with them telling me I need to do more instead of asking my sibliings to help me they tell me to do more like the plants need to be watered everyday and I finally blew up and said I have three siblings sitting right there and you don’t bother to tell them to help because they don’t help and if you think it needs to be done and can’t do it right then do it yourself or shut up. My grandma would just tell me to do so much and I was eventually tired after the list and I would tell her I would do it later. She told my mom and sisters that she will get up and do it herself but she will fall and it would be my fault because I refused to do it right now and she wanted it done right now
So sorry for the loss of your other grandmom.
It feels to me that since your "family" treats you so badly, you shouldn't give them the opportunity to do that any more.
They all sound quite mentally ill, frankly. Have you ever considered that THEY are at fault here? And that defending yourself against "porcupines" will only get you injured more?
I'm sorry that you have social anxiety. There is treatment for that, you know. Have you ever talked to a doctor about that? A low dose of an antidepressant might help.
Please seek help for that issue, and perhaps start to see a counselor or therapist so that you can start out on a better path in life.
She wasn't careful and she didn't on purpose like bend down to pet her dog and fall down. My family would question me about her bruises on her arms. She would always get explosive diarrhea and wanted to take laxatives to make it worse and drink so fast so I had to wake up every hour to assist her to the restroom. She told a nurse that she was always constipated but i was refusingher to poop and allowingher to take laxatives. I was so tired but my family wanted me to be a handyman, gardener and sweep the roof. I was promised so much when I started. I was only supposed to move in to be there at night especially since I was working overtime. I was planning a trip before I had to move in. When I found out I had to mow I had no idea what I was doing so my sister who is white was getting it started and was going to show me but she decided to take over because she could tell I was tired and upset because I had to move fast from my apartment because no one wanted to stay with grandma long enough or help me. I was supposed to have the weekend to move but grandma sent them home. Inwas also upset because grandma sent them to attack me about yard when they fired the lawn guy when I moved in. My grandmother walked out with my sister and she attacked both of us because she didn't think my sister should be doing everything and us to should be doing it. My other sister pointed at me to do it because she was tired. As I look back, I see that it was because we were Mexican and my sister was white and that hurt because that is the first racism I got.
My sister ran off two caregivers because she wanted to get paid and bought herself a uniform scrubs. She just sits there with my grandma and watch tv and gives her easy meals. Grandma never asks her to do the extra things I had to and my sister tries to call me out to help more but I assist when they have appointments. Her bruises are worse than they were with me and grandma blames herself. It's nothing but how great my sister is at everything and my sister gets paid extra if she has to do anything extra like organize. You would be proud of me when my grandma asked me about doing plants and I called her out that it's strange that I was the one who had to do those things when I was paying her to be my caregiver while she gets paid to do a lot less and she gets two days off and she doesn'thave a job. Also, when my sister tried get me to watch her when she set an appointment for herself on a day she knew she was working. I told her that she knows her days and that she needs to call to reschedule or she should not be the caregiver if she can't commit to the time. I told her I refuse to be alone with grandma.
It is so different. I was expected to do everything when I was doing it and family wasn’t expected to help. They would just come up for new things for my grandma and mom’s friend tell me what to do. It was never enough. They would criticize me when they visit in front of me like I was invisible and my sis gets treated like she is Wonder Woman. my siblings was not expected to help and I had to pay my grandma to be her caregiver slave and I was treated like a freeloader when i was forced to move in. My sister gets paid and two days off and when there are visitors we are asked to do things instead of my sister.
i thought seeing my grandma again would help me heal but it just devastates me on how cruel they are and they try to guilt me to stay with her but I can’t because i am still traumatized. Seeing it all and hearing my sister praised breaks my heart but I don’t want to be in regret when my grandma dies since my other grandma died this year and i had to fight my job to be able to go to her funeral they made me go to work after my other grandma funeral. They had the balls to grill me about how close I was to my grandma because I only talked about the grandma I was caring for. My sister gets my mom and her friend to help her out but I was treated like a prisoner doing it I just can’t. On days I was promised relief from my mom my grandma would make her go to Home Depot and pick up a project I had to work on and they didn’t tell me about it until I was walking out of the door thinking I was getting a day off. My grandma did it on purpose because she didn’t think I deserve a day off and my family always took her side and pressured me even though I didn’t know how to change a ceiling fan and there were four other people there that day but they were only there to yell at me.
it’s so hard to leave the house and I feel so much heartache everyday and I have social anxiety and panic attacks. It has amplified after the incident after my birthday and my family dont think they did anything wrong just I complain too much
In my opinion yes indeed - say NO.
"What is the best way?"
That is a personal thing. Find a sentence that works for you & repeat as often as needed.
Make it short, simple & direct.
Warning: They may pretend to misunderstand you, disbelieve you or disregard you. Repeat your words. Followup with your actions.
Nuh, that just won't work for me.
No I can't do that.
No.
No. I don't want to discuss that anymore.
No. I have to go now.
Bye.
Build up your no muscle. Start with stalling if you really need (like my sister 😉) with a 'maybe, I'll let you know'.
"They hired a caregiver a week after I left and even someone to mow the lawn".
⚡Remember this! ⚡
Everytime you re pushed into a corner to be their solution, *the fixer* they DO have other options. Your sister has other options - or will find them. But she won't find them if you act as her understudy.
Your family drama is a big, loud, colourful stage show! To borrow from another poster (I just loved this!!!);
*Don't get on the stage* just stay in the audience. IE keep a safe distance from the drama. Politely say no. Some indeed move a state away. (Three hours drive was what suggested to me 😁)
Davenport's gold advice:
Here's mine: I'm sitting in the darkened audience, an observer of a play. I don't get on the stage; I won't let anyone or anything force/drag me onto the stage. I smile to myself, in a loving, protective, caring way.
Walk away. I’m serious! Tell them you are not going to be your grandmother’s slave.
They will find someone else. Give them a time frame as to when your last day is and quit.
You are fighting a losing battle here.
Wish grandma well and leave. Don’t set yourself up for more heartache. You deserve better.
You are in control, not them. You have the power of choice. Choose to end this now. If you don’t you will live to regret it.
Let us know when you give your notice. We will celebrate with you!
You sound young and I think you have learned a lesson some of us don't learn till later on in life. I commend you for setting boundries. Your not as timid as you think. Keep those boundries up. No one deserves to be treated like you were. I suggest you don't volunteer. Seems when u volunteer then people seem to think ur fair game. Let them ask. "Can u take Grand to her appt on this date". If not convenient for you then say no. Seems like there are others that can help. There's Senior bussing if in a pinch or a taxi.
This phrase caught my eye "It's a double standard with my sister and I think it's because she is white." Were you raised with sister? In this family at all? Keep standing up for yourself. You owe nobody anything. What you do you do from the heart because you care for the person. Usually, not asking for anything in return. As soon as I feel I am being taken advantage of I back off.
Now my sister does it and she gets paid, she gets praises and she is allowed to have a mess and doesn't have to do 1/8;of what I did. My grandmother tried to hint around about me doing the garden and I snipped that in the buty because I am scarred by a few incident. My sister likes to come on her day off and and any time she tries to assist grandma my grandma gets mad by saying that she should not be doing that on her day off and I tell her it must be nice that she has a day off because I was a prisoner and she didn't say anything about it. I was promised a full day off one time when I was doing it and then all of a sudden I was a bad person when I was walking out because grandma wanted to get the room deep cleaned even though she could get it done on another day. Another time my mom hired someone to give me a day off I was so happy until my sister walked in and I was supposed to help her take the boys school shopping and watch them and she did nothing but yell at them and upset them and I was treated like the babysitter and she nonstop told me what I could be doing better as the caregiver.
We never talked about me leaving or how I felt about my treatment vs her treatment.
She always gets these bruises on my arms. When it was me my sisters would look at me like I would abuse her. When it was a caregiver my sister and grandma would try to say abuse. They were trying to say that today and why would i want to be alone with her. It's a double standard with my sister and I think it's because she is white. My sister should be the one who have to do the garden but my grandmother tried to hint around how nice it would be to have the garden done and I ignored that. It's just a different standard between me and everyone else and my family try to use my sensitivity against me when I try to stand up for myself or treat me like I am causing drama when they are yelling at me. They tell me no one is criticizing me and ask me who is and I tell them it's them. My grandmother would ask me to do something and then complain to family for what I did even though I was doing what she asked. With me company means judging me. Now with my sister it means praising her. She didn't push her to do her physical therapy and she skipped a week because she was on her period and grandma praised her. I made her do it every day and in the middle of an arguement because she didn't want to do it she called my family and said she can't do her physical therapy because I refuse to help.
The first time I went up there was her vday party and I got her a vibrator, gag and huge penis lollipop to try to break the ice. She was nice but the family friend wasn't. She was the worse to me. I was there the house a mess and the grass hasn't been mowed in a long time but their excuse was they haven't got around to calling the guy in between four people they could not make that phone call but I had to do it twice a week when I was sick because one weed. I pulled the weed and i was accused of being lazy