My mom, who will be 100 on 8/15, has been in a NH for almost two years due to a fall and fx'd hip. My husband and I go to visit her 5-7 days per week and take her out (riding, restaurants, ice cream, etc.), 3-4 times per week. Since she lives in a NH full time, am I really considered a care giver? I read the questions and answers on this forum and I see many of the same issues and situations with my own mother and the NH. We are basically the only family members who visit (she has another daughter who rarely comes and several grandsons who do come on occasion) and it really wears me down. I feel guilty when I take a day or two off per week, but dragging a 100 year old person around, sitting on public bathrooms changing undies and "assisting" her with basically everything is hard work! I am very grateful for my husband who is such a gem! Our family is lucky to have him and my mother has always considered him the son she never had!
Why do you feel it is necessary to take your mother out so often if it is such a chore? It's great if she can still go out for a drive to see the outside world and maybe pick up a treat at the drive through, but staying out long enough to need public washroom seems a little excessive. Is she really pining to go out and is she appreciative after the fact or are you just doing this because you feel you should?
You are so lucky to have a husband who is helping you with this journey. Some run in the opposite direction or make excuses not to help "not my job".
When my Dad, who was in his mid 90's, moved into Independent Living [don't know why it is called "Independent" because I still had a lot of running around to do for Dad].... I use to visit every day.... then I cut that back to every other day... then to once a week when I brought over groceries and supplies. Then I realized it gave Dad more independence if I wasn't being a helicopter child.
A birthday celebration might be enjoyable to her this August. You know what she likes. All this is caregiving.
Grrr!!😠 I looked after my mother at home for several years until it was impossible to manage and I reluctantly placed her in a facility, so I DO know what home care takes. I now visit my mom in the NH daily: I feed her, I speak with staff, I monitor her health and well being- I didn't dump her and run. No, it's not the same as caring for someone in the home but even then the tasks are not equally comparable - care in the home can run the gamut from simple support to 24/7 help with all ADLs to hospice and end of life care.
Along with the times you mentioned do you not see that she is comfortable where she is.
Do you not advocate for her if you think something is wrong?
Who is at the care meetings when things are discussed? (If it is not you then you should be included)
Does the staff know you by name or at least on sight? Do you know the names of at least 3 staff persons? Do you know the names of several other residents?
If you said yes to any of these then you are a caregiver.
Side notes here...
I find it interesting that you say your Mother has another daughter...is that not your sister?
If it is a problem to take your Mom out..don't bring in a special lunch, bring in ice cream.
At some point it is safer to not go for a ride, go out to lunch. If the facility has a van or bus that they transport people in to take them to the store or go out for lunch make arrangements to join them on an outing. You will get the extra help getting into a van or bus. I used to do this often when my Husband was in Day Care, they would take the residents of the Memory Care unit for lunch on Fridays. I would look at the schedule and figure out what places he would have enjoyed and I would tell them I would go with them. I often helped with other residents as well so I was an extra set of hands and feet for the staff. At some point he just stopped cooperating getting on and off the bus so I cut those trips. Soon after that he was "kicked out" of day care at that facility as he began to require more help than they could do for someone that was not a full time resident. Ya gotta go with the flow and adapt to the ever changing needs and decline of the person you are caring for.
Thank you for your insightful response!
I am a caregiver, but fortunate that I’m not responsible for bathes, bathroom, etc.
my head would have exploded long ago.
Absolutely you are! You are still taking care of her and supporting her, even though the day-to-day personal care tasks are provided by the NH staff.
You visit her a lot! You take her out, and when you take her out, you have to be the one to assist her. You also are the go-between with the NH staff, and you are the one to bring up issues and are making sure they're taking care of her properly. Any stress you feel is valid. It is still stressful to do this kind of caregiving, even if the individual is in full-time care.
You are a caregiver.
1 - is the hands-on live with them & do everything for them
2 - is the one who is the primary person for someone who is in a professional care situation due to their needs
Like you, I am the second type & once I finish this I'm off to see my mom - we shop for them, make care decisions for them, we pay their bills & are their main emotional support - just because you need to leave your home to do this doesn't mean you are not her care giver & tell anyone who says otherwise to walk a week in your shoes then say it again if they can -
To hell with the bureaucrats that say 'no' because that is only way they can manage things & we all know what a great job they have done getting the world into the terrible shape it is now - you might not be able to claim for it without doing the hands-on but you are still the caregiver
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