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My mom, who will be 100 on 8/15, has been in a NH for almost two years due to a fall and fx'd hip. My husband and I go to visit her 5-7 days per week and take her out (riding, restaurants, ice cream, etc.), 3-4 times per week. Since she lives in a NH full time, am I really considered a care giver? I read the questions and answers on this forum and I see many of the same issues and situations with my own mother and the NH. We are basically the only family members who visit (she has another daughter who rarely comes and several grandsons who do come on occasion) and it really wears me down. I feel guilty when I take a day or two off per week, but dragging a 100 year old person around, sitting on public bathrooms changing undies and "assisting" her with basically everything is hard work! I am very grateful for my husband who is such a gem! Our family is lucky to have him and my mother has always considered him the son she never had!

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Well we certainly aren't in the trenches like all the amazing people who are caring for someone in their own home but I think we might be close to those whose parents are still living independently. We care. We devote a certain portion of our time, thoughts and energy to looking out for and coordinating the necessities for our loved ones well being - what else would you call it?

Why do you feel it is necessary to take your mother out so often if it is such a chore? It's great if she can still go out for a drive to see the outside world and maybe pick up a treat at the drive through, but staying out long enough to need public washroom seems a little excessive. Is she really pining to go out and is she appreciative after the fact or are you just doing this because you feel you should?
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janeyd54, yes you are are still considered a caregiver... the clue was when you wrote "it's really wearing me down", and that you are feeling guilty if you don't visit for one day.

You are so lucky to have a husband who is helping you with this journey. Some run in the opposite direction or make excuses not to help "not my job".

When my Dad, who was in his mid 90's, moved into Independent Living [don't know why it is called "Independent" because I still had a lot of running around to do for Dad].... I use to visit every day.... then I cut that back to every other day... then to once a week when I brought over groceries and supplies. Then I realized it gave Dad more independence if I wasn't being a helicopter child.
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Yes, you are a caregiver every time you perform a needed task to keep her comfortable mentally and emotionally. Your mom is lucky to have you and your husband. Perhaps your other sister lives far away? Could you encourage her to take a trip to see mom so you could rest a bit at home. Also, you don’t need to take mom out every visit. You could bring her treats at the NH and walk around with her on the grounds of the NH, just talk or give her a manicure or pedicure. You didn’t mention any communication problem or dementia.

A birthday celebration might be enjoyable to her this August. You know what she likes. All this is caregiving.
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I understand your reluctance to call yourself a “caregiver” when you read the daunting posts by people doing it 24/7 in their homes for loved ones with complicated health conditions. I felt the same way when I first found this site. But as time went on and my care taking role with my mother changed I became more comfortable considering myself a part-time care giver/life manager for her. She lives in a Memory Care facility. I visit 5 days a week. Sometimes it’s to do activities within the facility, sometimes a walk outside, or just be there to visit during meal time. The care giving comes when she needs to be toileted when I’m there - of course I assist her, or I’m checking on meds that are to be given as needed, or I’m checking with staff on sleep, meals eaten, mood - is she refusing cares from staff. The facility and staff are good but lots of things fall through the cracks. And I know my mom’s care is better because I’m a more frequent visitor. There’s also the million and one things to do outside the facility i.e. supplies, clothes, doctor appt’s, ER visits, and now consults with the Hospice Palliative Care team. Anyway, you get the picture. When you are the only family in town and presumably POA and as attentive as you are then you are giving care. You can call yourself a caregiver. IMHO
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"People may convince themselves that visiting an elderly person is the same as being a 24/7 caregiver, but it is not."

Grrr!!😠 I looked after my mother at home for several years until it was impossible to manage and I reluctantly placed her in a facility, so I DO know what home care takes. I now visit my mom in the NH daily: I feed her, I speak with staff, I monitor her health and well being- I didn't dump her and run. No, it's not the same as caring for someone in the home but even then the tasks are not equally comparable - care in the home can run the gamut from simple support to 24/7 help with all ADLs to hospice and end of life care.
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You’re husband sounds like mine. He visits my dad weekly on Saturday. I see dad once a week. Frankly it’s all I can do and stay healthy. My dad is in the NH too because of a fall and is wheelchair bound. We can not take him for outings because of this and transferring issues. But yes, I’m a caregiver. My other 3 sisters live in other states. I take care of issues that arise, be they medical, financial, or other. Shop for him etc. of course you are caregiving for your mom. It is not easy and never stops even when they are in the NH. And it does get draining because at least for me, the visits are not cheering but a litany of complaints. That’s hard for anyone to cope with. Sometimes as a CG we place unrealistic expectations on ourselves such as daily visits and then if we cut back feel this unearned guilt. Do not feel guilt for taking care of yourself. Your mom wants you to have and enjoy life..it’s what God wants us to do as well. No person can care for others well if they don’t care for themselves.
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You are a Caregiver.
Along with the times you mentioned do you not see that she is comfortable where she is.
Do you not advocate for her if you think something is wrong?
Who is at the care meetings when things are discussed? (If it is not you then you should be included)
Does the staff know you by name or at least on sight? Do you know the names of at least 3 staff persons? Do you know the names of several other residents?
If you said yes to any of these then you are a caregiver.

Side notes here...
I find it interesting that you say your Mother has another daughter...is that not your sister?
If it is a problem to take your Mom out..don't bring in a special lunch, bring in ice cream.
At some point it is safer to not go for a ride, go out to lunch. If the facility has a van or bus that they transport people in to take them to the store or go out for lunch make arrangements to join them on an outing. You will get the extra help getting into a van or bus. I used to do this often when my Husband was in Day Care, they would take the residents of the Memory Care unit for lunch on Fridays. I would look at the schedule and figure out what places he would have enjoyed and I would tell them I would go with them. I often helped with other residents as well so I was an extra set of hands and feet for the staff. At some point he just stopped cooperating getting on and off the bus so I cut those trips. Soon after that he was "kicked out" of day care at that facility as he began to require more help than they could do for someone that was not a full time resident. Ya gotta go with the flow and adapt to the ever changing needs and decline of the person you are caring for.
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janeyd54 Aug 2018
Grandma1954: You are correct of course; her other daughter is my sister. However, she has been estranged from everyone in our family for years (including her own sons and grandchildren). She has been to see our mother 3 times in two years (but who's counting; me!). I know ALL of the staff by sight, and talk to all of the residents, have even bought some gifts when I know they don't have anyone. So, yes, I AM a caregiver!

Thank you for your insightful response!
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My mom lives in Independent housing but needs/has a live-in aide. I still consider myself a caregiver, but of course not anywhere near what the live-in does. I’m in charge of the financing. Stress that the funds are limited. Have to resolve disputes between aide and mom. Need to join her at all medical appts. Purchase and organize medicine dosages. Buy some groceries. Attend any social events at her complex that I can. Etc etc.
I am a caregiver, but fortunate that I’m not responsible for bathes, bathroom, etc.
my head would have exploded long ago.
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You are a caregiver.

Absolutely you are! You are still taking care of her and supporting her, even though the day-to-day personal care tasks are provided by the NH staff.

You visit her a lot! You take her out, and when you take her out, you have to be the one to assist her. You also are the go-between with the NH staff, and you are the one to bring up issues and are making sure they're taking care of her properly. Any stress you feel is valid. It is still stressful to do this kind of caregiving, even if the individual is in full-time care.

You are a caregiver.
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You are the care giver - there really is 2 types:
1 - is the hands-on live with them & do everything for them
2 - is the one who is the primary person for someone who is in a professional care situation due to their needs

Like you, I am the second type & once I finish this I'm off to see my mom - we shop for them, make care decisions for them, we pay their bills & are their main emotional support - just because you need to leave your home to do this doesn't mean you are not her care giver & tell anyone who says otherwise to walk a week in your shoes then say it again if they can -

To hell with the bureaucrats that say 'no' because that is only way they can manage things & we all know what a great job they have done getting the world into the terrible shape it is now - you might not be able to claim for it without doing the hands-on but you are still the caregiver
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