Ailing MIL--husband wants me involved in her care--she HATES me.

Mid, read Dorker thread my dear one. Your advice, mine, so many others. Do not fall for the flying monkey charade. It’s the first step to you full time and your move to downsize including her. Your DH cannot help his programming. Nor can Dorker nor can MINE. The only thing we can do is to keep our boundaries. You did forgive, you prompt for cards and you don’t trash her. To quote my therapist, get off the cross, they need the wood. Forgive and forget does not require that you provide personal and entire service. DH doesn’t want to perform the personal service. Why is the expectation that you will? Told my husband that I cannot care more and do more than he would. Your MIL made your boundaries and her feelings clear. You are abiding by them. Going alone to assist multiple days a week? She’d have you suicidal. DH can do it. Your feelings are less important than his comfort, and when his next episode happens you’d have both. No is a complete sentence. It has been for me.

Midkid,
Hold that line! Stand strong.

This part: "DH was taking her a Mother's Day gift last night--and you'd thought someone had shot his dog he looked so miserable. Offered me $100 to go with him. Ha."

My own dH was looking miserable about Mother's Day too. He looked like he was being tortured if the subject came up. I understood, so intervened and followed up
by seeing that he sent a card. His mother will complain, saying why didn't you just send the money you spent!

You are not alone, but in addition, your MIL has behaved like an evil person towards you all along. I get it. You must preserve your sanity by never going there.

You can, just refuse to discuss her at all with your husband. Isn't it amazing how they both can keep trying to suck you back in to the dysfunction? And how a commercial hallmark day can come between your peace and happiness with your hubs? And now, she has fallen, but you are not the one to even consider giving her care. Please don't do it, and no need for the guilt, in your case.

Stand strong. Maybe tell hubs that you would be happy to discuss his mother with him in joint therapy. End of subject. Or say, "Can we talk about this another time,,I have a headache".

I am wondering why your DH wouldn’t understand your unwillingness to do this. His mother will never “forgive and forget” and it’s not fair to think you should.

BUT... forgiving and forgetting is likely how your DH survived while growing up with this narcissistic, bitter troll of a mother. He’s done it his whole life so he doesn’t get why you won’t do the same.

Hearing loss or no, it seems he didn’t hear some of her tirade that day because he learned early on to tune her out.

The moment you both said “I do” is when he should have known that his wife and later his kids would take priority over mom.

As people like her get older, some families just shrug it off with “oh, they’re just old, let them do whatever.” Nope... unless it’s dementia or another issue they can’t help, there is no excuse to allow people to act like that.

As the expression goes you reap what you sew. I think under no circumstances should you come to any aid on this matter. Doesn't she have another child besides your husband?

I did have one difficult relative who apologized for some of who she had been as she was approaching the end but she was nowhere near as bad as your MIL. This to me is not a situation of forgiveness. I doubt she has asked for that. Fortunately if she has funds for her care then strangers can see to it. Even if she didn't I would not step in. Many people have difficult lives but don't necessarily turn into miserly tyrants. Let her fend for herself as she has certainly alienated you.

I know how much you have endured with your husband's health which is very admirable. She is not in the least bit deserving of any effort on your part towards her.

My question is, why can’t your husband take care of his mother?

i agree, under no circumstance should you get involved in this. I doubt your MIL has changed and all that will happen is.....the same emotional and verbal abuse she’s subjected you to in the past. You owe the woman nothing. You don’t owe it to your husband either.

Your husband reminds me of my husband. He has a tendency to elect me to do things for and with his family, things he would not and does not do for MY FAMILY. 3 months after my MIL died, he tried to guilt and manipulate me in to taking the kids to his sisters house for swimming and a BBQ. The problem with that? It was actually a birthday get-together for my MILs partner! The one who stole her money, lied to her on her death bed, lied to us, hurt us and put us through hell right after she died! The kids and I had not seen him since father’s day which was BEFORE the web of deception was discovered and before my husband had gone & confronted him and fought with him over the phone on 2 occasions. And my husband thought I would not only be ok going to this party for him, but also without my husband being present! Sometimes I really don’t understand men and what goes through their minds! I still can’t believe my husband did this! Needless to say, I refused to go. Anyway!!

Again, why can’t your husband help his mother?

Midkid - No way, Jose'! Absolutely not, Nyet, Nada, Not a chance, In no possible way, To me, it appears that your mil has a personality disorder. You were smart to get out of the picture. Don't tangle with her - ever. You have enough to deal with with your mum and dh. Let him ride you, but stay strong. The answer is "No". You need no explanations or justifications. Just "No. "He knows them why anyway. His mother, his problem. Ear plugs might be useful at this point.

Oh, and DH has an older brother ( aged 70 and not in great health himself) and a younger sister age 61, also not in great health. She has her single daughter and 2 grandkids living with her--very stressful situation. Her DH refuses to work, and has been sporadically employed over the years, so that's been hard on her.

MIL hates him as much as she hates me, but he is quick on the uptake and insults her so rapidly she can't even react. I don't play like that.

It's not unthinkable that she might outlive both Dh and his brother. She's only 89.

When I read this question I never dreamed that it would be from you Midkid, I thought your husband had finally acknowledged that she has been vile and vicious to you for years. No no no absolutely not! Pack a bag and tell him you'll be out the door so fast it'll make his head spin if he even hints about it again.

Midkid, I am so sorry. I know from the Dorker thread that you already know exactly what you need to do. But the knowing and the reality of doing it when it means holes in your marriage because of it is the hard part. I think that is what you are getting at, right?

No one wants to feel disappointment/anger/frustration from their spouse... especially when they know it isn’t deserved. Just because DH is in self-survival mode doesn’t mean he gets to throw you under the bus. That is backward thinking, and I hope he can see that that is what he is doing sooner rather than later.

You don’t need me to tell you that not stepping in is the right decision. Honestly if you decide to get a part-time job, there is no way in h—- it should be to pay for that woman’s care or anything else for her. I am sorry if that sounds heartless, but you have been through SO MUCH. Adding a layer of stress to your life for her care is not where you and DH should be right now. And you are not a meanie for feeling that way.

Why is it that the people who are doing the right things are the ones who are willing to absorb the guilt in a situation they did absolutely nothing to cause and have no responsibility to fix? Why is it that a grown man still has so much fear of his mother (false fear really, what is she going to do to him now?) that he is willing to jeopardize his marriage and relationship with someone who is there for him and lifts him up to please someone who tears him and his wife and family down? Again, backward thinking.

It is so wrong that you feel like you have to give up your joy, the joy with your DH, your kids, your friends, your interests in order to cater to someone who not only doesn’t bring joy to anyone, but who has - shamefully and actively - sought to destroy the joy of those she is supposed to care most about. Backward thinking.

To keep yourself strong, you need to see yourself as befits who you REALLY are, not as who MIL wants others to think of you and not how DH wants you to feel because he is self-protecting. What you really are is a hero... a protector. You are protecting yourself, your health, your marriage (as much as you can... DH has to own his part in that), your family, other people whose lives you influence in a positive way. You are protecting all of those things from a meanness of spirit that you did nothing to cause and have no way to remedy.

You and DH have weathered many storms... he needs to find his own strength in this. And what it sounds like to me is that he has to find it... NOW. He doesn’t have the luxury of waiting any longer. The good thing is, if he can find that courage, he will be SO much happier. If he can take a little pain in order to break free from his mom’s hold, I guarantee HIS life and heart will be better. The remaining years of both of your lives will be so much better. I hope he knows those first few steps are the hardest. It does get better... like someone lifts a colossal weight off of your shoulders.

A good first step would be for him to skip visiting tomorrow. Doesn’t matter why... he can say he is sick, something came up, whatever. But, don’t offer much information... just a “nuts, so sorry to miss you, you will be in my thoughts, can hardly talk, gotta go...” Send flowers if he wants. Then, have a day with you having any kind of fun.

Then, he and sis can talk without having just come off of a guilt-spawning visit.

What he went through as a kid at her hand negates any of that old duty-bound guilt. But, he needs to see how absolutely backward his thinking is. You don’t bend over backwards for someone who treats you like crap. You just don’t. I am sure he would tell any one of his friends that.

Backward thinking... we all watch these scenarios in TV and are amazed that people can be so stupid. But, seeing it in ourselves is incredibly difficult.

When hubby starts, just simply state, "Darling, "no" is a one syllable word. It requires no further explanation." ..... then walk out of the room. Repeat as often as necessary.

Mdkid, forgive and forget is for you so you can rid yourself of the poison and enjoy your blessings.But it doesn’t mean making yourself a servant, putting up with vitriol from a woman who has beaten you down at every turn. What a load of bs...he’s got some brass ones.

Dear heavens, Mothers Day just brings out such pain for so many.
Hes mad because you’re not stepping in so he can be stepped out. Stay strong. Your backbone is forged by years of life....you’ve got this. And we’re sending you reinforcing vibes.

What is wrong with your husband?

That he thinks that his mother can be hateful to you and you will step up to provide hands on care?

No way. No how.

Dear Midkid, you have received so much support in the three hours since you posted, that you must know how many people care for you and hope so much that you can survive this without cracking! I remember your post months ago about the time your family finally heard how MIL spoke to you, and I also was shocked to think that this is still going on.

It sounds quite likely that MIL will have another major event that will mean she has to go into care, whether she likes it or not. If you can, stay on side with your sister-in-law. If she has more guts than your husband, the pair of you may be able to get him to take some initiative (not including leaning on you!). Just stay well away from MIL!

Don't feel guilty about not taking care of MIL. In the "olden" days, people died in their own homes when they chose to live alone. Nobody can protect some people from themselves. Maybe Meals on wheels can deliver a sandwich and then - Let it be.... you cannot change her or make a difference.

MidKid,

You already know the answer which is, no, absolutely not! I understand your wanting to vent and receive validation. Well, I think anyone who read this post would back you up.

I was blessed with a loving MIL, she died 25 years ago and I miss her dearly. She added love to my life, not misery.

Allow me to tell you what my MIL said to me before we married 41 years ago. She said, “I will never mistreat you because my MIL mistreated me from the time I became engaged to her son. She saw me as competition and taking away her son and I promised myself if my sons married I would never do that to their wives.” She kept her promise.

She also told me that she would never interfere in our lives and she never did. She said that she was there if I needed her but would never overstep. She was there without overstepping.

She was a very loving, special woman that I was proud to call mom.

Well, my MIL did exactly as you did with her hateful MIL, completely stepped away from her awful MIL and my FIL said if she won’t accept you then I won’t be in her life either. My MIL told him that he could continue a relationship with his mom if he wished to but he hated what his mom did to his wife and stepped away also. They hoped she would come around after their children were born but she remained hateful. Any normal person would be happy that her son found his true love to be happy with instead of turning it into a competition and be jealous of her DIL.

When her MIL became sick they hired outside help and left her no choice! God bless her caregivers because we heard she was awful to them. I don’t think she was ever understanding or loving with her husband either but he went along with her wishes. I suppose so she wouldn’t make him more miserable. When she died he resumed his relationship with the family. Was so sad, an old man crying that he finally had his family again.

We (entire family) did go to the wake and funeral. It was like attending a funeral for a stranger because we didn’t have a relationship with her.

My MIL took me to a private place in the funeral home and fell apart and that in itself floored me because she was a strong independent woman.

She was loving, funny, smart, graduated with the highest honors (music degree). She taught at Loyola where she had gone to school and also privately taught piano. She was accepted into Juilliard but decided to stay in New Orleans and marry my FIL.

At the funeral my MIL cried like a baby. When I said I was sorry she looked at me and said things I will never, ever forget. She said, “I am not crying because she is dead. She didn’t allow us to have a relationship. She saw me as stealing her son. I am crying because of what could have been. I’m crying because I tried to please her and she refused my love. I’m crying because I thought it would change when grandkids came along and the truth is that she didn’t even know her grandkids. I’m crying because all I ever did was love her son and she punished me, my children and her son for that.” It was really hard to hear. Then she said to me, “There isn’t a damn thing she can do about it now, she’s dead!”

So I saw this in my family. It happens in many families. In closing I will say one last thing, you owe her nothing because all she ever gave you is grief. For hubby who says to forgive and forget, let me share this, I know a nun that I deeply respect who says, “Jesus says to forgive but He does not call you to be a doormat.” Wise nun, in my opinion.

Sorry post is so long. This one hit home because I hate injustice done to others as it was done to you and my sweet MIL.

Try saying “Okay. Sure, dh. For every two hours you put in a week - alone, just the two of you - you doing the hands on caregiving, I’ll do one”.

That ought to shut his yap on the subject.

Please stay strong! My mother told 5 different mandatory reporters (2 MDs, 2 nurses and a PT) that I was physically abusing her. She bruised very easily and this started during a hospital stay. I guess she felt like she wasnt getting enough attention. After the first time, my DH and I explained that she would be getting me in alot of trouble but she poo pooed that (apparently I am incredibly stupid and thin skinned) and she kept on doing it. She thought it was "cute" and "funny". At that point i requested a social worker come visit and explain things to her. She had come to live with us about 4 years prior. I took good care of her and it ate up my life. I never expected a parade down main street, or a Wilkie button much less a simple thank you but neither was I expecting that level of hatefulness. I for sure was not putting up with any legal hassels due to her. She was in assisted living within 3 months. I was not going to give her any more openings to pull any more of those shenanigans. Eventually I told her I was not going to be her punching bag anymore. Her response? "Well who else am I going to take it out on?". She had PSP which is a rare frontal temporal dementia. She seemed to have her wits about her but actually had no executive function whatsoever. She fooled many medical professionals. I guess what I am trying to say is please dont leave your MIL any openings.

OMG You are my twin. I too have a MIL who has disliked me since 1974 when my husband first brought me home to meet his parents we have been married for 41 years. Two weeks out from our wedding she looked me straight in the face and said “watching my son about to marry you is like watching him about to walk off the edge of a cliff”. So I have been polite and respectful to her but nothing else. Now I do not speak or communicate with her in any way since she blamed me for my DH Dementia
funny I got on great with my FIL and the extended family. Her oldest son also dislikes me because his mummy does
Your MIL has been openly hostile towards you again and again. My MIL at least had the sense not to try that on She has been more covert in the way she hurt. Why did you put up with it and why didn’t your DH not put her in her place. Another mummy’s boy I suppose. You come first. I hope after that last outburst others put her in her place. Your DH let her behave as she has and does so let him deal with it. Don’t be nasty just be firm

If you are serious about your offer, get that job and offer to chip some $$ and use it to support whomever does eventually step up to the plate. (I understand your resentment and I don't criticize your feelings.) Talk to your husband about what you can realistically do to support him while he figures out how to transition his mother into a safer environment.

So SIL , not a trained person said she should not be left alone. Well then. Let SIL and her DH take her in
Also I hope you took the $100 anyway. Back pay

Looks like more of us have MIL problems than not. People who treat people like this have mental problems. My GF is also my husbands cousin. She has lived out side the State for 50 yrs. Comes home for visits. We were talking about my MIL at lunch on Tues. She said she knew MIL had a lying problem but she always liked her. I said yes people liked her but they aren't the ones she tells lies about. And to my DH. TG GFs mom knew me and would tell the other Aunts they were lies. She never said anything mean to me. I think she was jealous of my relationship with my Mom. She wanted that with her DILs but it never happened. Because everytime I visited alone and she twisted what I said, I only went with my DH. Then she and FIL (nice man)moved to Fla. Once a yr visit was enough.

Even if u got along with MIL, you are not responsible for her care. Let her set up 24/7 care or go to an AL. With ur husbands health problems, he will not be able to care for her.

Just have a question...If any of you with Mil problems knew what you know now, would you have married your DH?

Midkid,

SO GLAD to hear all of the loveliness from your kids and their spouses today!!! It made my heart warm to hear you say how loved you feel:)

Also, I have to thank you. When my sons get married, I now have language that articulates what kind of MIL I want to be to their wives...
your words to your Kid-in-laws were beautiful.

I have been very lucky to have an MIL who treated me like a daughter. I cannot tell you what a gift you are giving your own DIL by simply being who you are:)