My narcissist mother has been slandering me for months. She refused to allow me anywhere near her.
My sons had brought her groceries, meals, cleaned her house and took her on her errands.
I told them that they do not have to do this for nanny. So, they pared down the chores and visits.
Up to just this past Sunday, I received the typical 10 daily calls of accusations and name calling. Just 2 days later - Tuesday, she called and said she had fallen, was hurt, did not need ambulance but needed me to come.
So, I came and helped her. No broken bones or bruises. She complains about pain. I understand pain as someone who lives with chronic pain. I brought (excluding Rx's) all my remedies: my back braces, wraps, heating pads, hot water bottle, creams, etc. They helped her.
Unfortunately, I have gotten myself stuck here. When I leave to to do her errands, she constantly calls to tell me to hurry back.
I tell her that I MUST go home to:
*work (I work from home 75% of the time)
*check my cats (my son is taking care of them)
*go to my own medical appointments (I had to cancel a couple because she was in such a bad state)
*re-book my medical appointments (I can't because I am living moment to moment being here)
She starts to cry out in pain, she 'can't move' because of the pain, she tells me she is too scared to be alone.
Yes, she is being manipulative.
However, the situation gets very cloudy and is not just manipulation:
-at night and in the evening.-
She wakes me up 3 of 4 times a night. Most nights she is delusional until I calm her down.
She is unsure of what medication she has taken or if she has taken them at all
-during the daytime-
She is very sleepy and sometimes incoherently mumbles
She does not eat enough or drink enough. I make her meals and provide juices, milk and water all day. She just won't take it.
She absolutely refuses to go to our family doctor because she is sure that the doctor and I had plans to get her brain scanned and then lock her up.
I have to watch what I say or else the conversation will revert to the 'locking her up' topics.
I feel that I just can't leave her in this state.
She will not allow any more 'visits' from paramedics, elderly care specialists, etc.
Her neighbours were providing me with info about her status (when she wouldn't let me visit her). That stopped and they refused my phone calls starting first week of January.
It is clear that she has spread the word about me -- abusive, liar, thief, etc. No one in her community will even speak to me. When I asked how mom has been or even just say hello -- I am given terrible looks and ignored.
So, what do I do? I can't stay here forever. I won't ask my sons to compensate for me anymore - you guys are right - it was not fair to them.
I can't let her be alone and go through her night delusions of thinking someone is in her house or that she is in locked in a hospital or that birds are flying into lights, etc. etc. etc.
She refuses caregivers to come into her home.
She could easily fall/hurt herself during one of these nighttime
episodes.
What should I do? She has threatened to sue the family doctor. Needless to say, the doctor does not want to write a letter of incompetence so that I can get someone in to help her.
I am stuck. My only sibling (sister) refuses to help.
Any suggestions?
I can see that you care. You want to help your Mother. Just a small change in thinking is needed really. By leaving - you WILL be helping!
It will allow other people IN to help her. Literally.
If there is cries of pain, crazy yelling or dangerous behaviour when you leave, call EMS. Leave the door unlocked so they can get in.
Then sit outside & wait until they arrive. They will either transport her or, if she refuses but they feel she is in danger, report her for a welfare check to APS.
To me, her canoe is sinking. You can only drag it along for her for so long. Then you either push her sinking canoe towards other people who can help - or you may go down drowning.
Please swim for help.
There is no magical solution that will make you happy and your mother happy. Let's face it, she will never be happy....but you could die trying to make her happy. We have all been through this. The more you do, the more they want. Save yourself. Why would you even put up with this....esp the nasty looks from neighbors. My grandmother did the same thing to my parents. Bad mouthed them to all her neighbors and when they came to help her (weekly) they would get dirty looks from everyone. Why would anyone put up with bad behavior for someone they are trying to help.
Ever seen the movie Saw? That's one way to escape if you're trapped, but only as a last resort. Plus you need a saw. Still, it would probably be less painful than how you're living now.
On the off chance that you are NOT physically locked up in your mother's home, just get up, walk out the door, and don't come back.
Come on, be very honest with yourself. If you aren’t honest with yourself, you can forget about being honest with others.
It truly doesn’t sound like your mom is very appreciative.
I realize that you have the very best of intentions but how in the world can you help someone who doesn’t want help?
Hey, don’t feel bad. We’ve all been there. We offer help where it isn’t wanted.
So what can we do? We can put our car in reverse and back up! Then move forward in our own lives.
Wishing you all the best in moving forward in your own life.
By the way, you have great sons. It’s wonderful to be helpful. They learned that from you.
Now teach them that you are worth valuing yourself, another great lesson.
Take care.
… "you have great sons. It’s wonderful to be helpful. They learned that from you … you are worth valuing yourself,.."
It has been so long since I felt proud about anything. Thank you. I feel that your statements have made a shift in my thought processes about my grown sons, my mother and what is 'right'.
It is amazing how mere words have so much power behind them to literally shift thoughts!
Again, thank you so very much.
Do this in an orderly fashion.
Set yourself a deadline for going home. I would recommend the weekend.
Draft a brief, bullet point history of your mother's incidents, accidents and current care needs.
Contact APS for your mother's area, tell them you are returning to your home and your job, send them the history, and take their advice.
Tell your mother and your sons when you are leaving.
Leave.
I'll be frank - I don't rate your chances. I have looked at some of your earlier replies to other posts. Someone like you, who has rushed to the side of someone who has behaved as you describe your mother's behaviour, is unlikely to be able to detach sufficiently to withstand your mother's predictable commands that you stay with her. Not on your own, anyway.
Is there anyone you can think of who can guide you through this process?
You have put yourself in this position; you have now told us "I can't leave her". So I am truly uncertain what you believe we could possibly say to you that would help in any way whatsoever.
Beatty uses an expression: "There will be no solution as long as you are all the solutions".
I would leave and go back home. I would caution my children in getting involved with her. I would leave her the number for APS to report herself as an adult at risk. I would allow her to make her own care decisions and bear the responsibility for them. I would refer all the whining phone calls to one answer : "Did you lose the 911 number?" I would answer one call in the a.m. and one call in the p.m. from her, and it would be short indeed.
This seems to me a situation you have honestly forced upon yourself. You will have decide for yourself when you have had enough.
"She won't allow..."
Who made your mother the boss of the world?