After a recent hospital stay I took time off of work to fly up north and stay w/ my mother and help provide care for her. Despite decades of therapy and years living in another state, I’ve regressed to feeling like an 8 year old after being here 2 days. Given her rapidly declining health - I convinced myself it would be one of the last opportunities I’d have to lovingly verbalize how I felt as a child (as a self-healing exercise) - if I had the strength; but that seems unlikely. An only-child, I was raised in a toxic household w/ parents who argued non-stop. Unless I was needed as a surrogate spouse, I was treated as a broken accessory. Last year I enrolled her into a care program that mostly allows her to age in-place, but they won’t provide 24/7 care unless she’s unable to safely live alone. My mother is demanding, racist and cruel; if I don’t jump when she beckons, she morphs into a monster - and nothing is ever good enough. Given that she’s been increasingly forgetful, claiming to not recall prior discussions (or attempts to set boundaries), I emailed the care team about her aggression and inquired if they’ve seen evidence of dementia. Their reply clearly confirms the issue is within our relationship, and she’s succeeded in gaslighting me. I feel hurt, a mix of guilt & anger, and despite years of therapy; I clearly have a lot more work to do. I’m going to leave after the holidays and go low-contact, or no-contact if necessary. They suggested a group conversation - I attempted joint-therapy w/ her over several years, having that conversation again would be futile. I’ll continue to pay her bills and arrange care remotely, but for my own health and well-being; I need to enforce strict boundaries. The advice I’m seeking is how do I convey to this to them? I’ll paste their reply to me below. I want to reply via email otherwise it’ll get lost in the bureaucracy and will have to be repeated. However, when I’m stressed, I ramble and I seem to lose my ability to be concise - just like this post. I appreciate any feedback and for reading through my novel.
“From our perspective, she’s been doing fairly well lately. Her anxiety is more manageable, and we haven’t observed or heard about any verbal abuse or aggression before now. What you’ve shared is new to us, and we absolutely want to take it seriously. I think it would be really helpful for us to all sit down together (you, your mom, and our team) to talk through everything. That way, we can better understand what you’ve been experiencing, reassess her needs, and come up with a plan that supports both of you.”
I will start by saying that any child that was abused in any way by a parent should NEVER take on their care either in person or remotely.
Nor should any child pay for any of their parents care unless they themselves are multi-millionaires and even then I don't believe they should.
You now need to tell your mothers "care team" that you will no longer be paying for her care, nor will you be playing an active part in her care, but will be requesting that the state now take over her and her care.
And make it clear that for your mental health's sake you must do this and then don't look back, as your mother is NOT your responsibility.
You will be ok and your mother will be ok, and you must now do what is best for you.
I wish you well in going back home sooner than later and in going no contact with your mother, as not all things can be fixed.
Your mother isn't. She will likely never choose to participate in therapy.
That is HER choice.
Nor does she wish to discuss your therapy or your childhood with you.
Nor does she intent to respect any boundaries as long as you are in her home.
All of that is to say your dear mother is unchanged and will likely remain so.
A one on one or two on one or ten on one discussion will change none of that.
I would like you to digest all of that for a full minute. Then reread it and move on.
Were I you I would fly home ASAP.
I would then, and in this order:
1. Call the care team of mother to let them know you are gone and won't be returning.
2. Make it clear to one and all you don't wish to be responsible for your mother in any way, and certainly in no way legal (POA and so on).
3. Let them know you are not open to discussion or argument as regards your choice.
4. Let mother know you aren't available to help in her care now or in future.
Be certain she has the phone numbers for emergency services (911) and APS in her area.
5. Go back to your therapist and tell him/her that you had a fairly unsuccessful trip to try to "help mom"; discuss. Work together on your continuing therapy.
You are an adult now. Nothing in your own life now depends upon your mother. You will now move forward making your OWN choices for your OWN well being as you see fit; those choices probably will not include a mother in the continuing throes of her own toxicity.
I wish you the very best.
Remember, you are not a dishrag to be used to sop up peoples' messes unless YOU CHOOSE that. And IF you choose that, few will sympathize. No one can defend you so well as you can defend yourself. Your survival depends upon it.